please rate this(or dont)

estebancambias

pretty random, not so much a song, but as in the words of mark hoppus
''we just write down something random and hope it sounds good''

Hey girl, do you want to go out sometime
give me your number and il pick you up at nine
be ready and dont play any games
hey wait thats not your real name
so what is it? what did i do wrong
thanks a lot now all my pride is gone
deep down in a bottomless pit, with all my hopes and dreams
at least leave my name in your notebook and call me when theres an opening

your the fifth girl that rejected me today
the girl before you through her lunch in my face
you know your boyfriend, he really doesnt love you,
he acts like he does, but i sure do
and the thing is every other girl says their above me
but im happy in the fact that i know that you really love me
no matter how hard you try to hide it, how come when anyone asks about us you deny it

Steve_o

Without music is hard to guess....but i can see a bit of Tom Waits in those lyrics.....good stuff!!!!

Frankiestylee

I don't like the first bit at all. Sounds like the sort of stuff one'd write when they're pre-Junior Cert or something.

Actually...after a third read it's kinda growing on me, though the last line in the first part is really awkward.

The second part kinda loses the simple rhyming charm of the first part, it really doesn't seem like they're the same song. I wouldn't be a fan unless the music turned it around

estebancambias

thanks for the replys, its kind of a joke song, like but yeah i can see what you mean about being completely different songs. Im going to start taking time on writing these songs.

pre junior cert? Ive got a market!!!!

Frankiestylee

You certainly do, and such things tend to go far... just nowhere near me

Do you write music with your songs or are you just trying to get the rhyme going on etc? Can you comfortably sing your songs for example, or is it a case of ramping up/slowing down the tempo in order to make lyrics fit?

estebancambias

It depends really. Like sometimes I just write out random lyrics(for example like I just did in my post) and then sometimes I take more time with the ''overall process''(I like using quotes in irrelevant areas)

I just love writing out stuff for myself. During the summer I plan on making a demo cd(Just 1) as I love the sound of my own voice.
Im seriously contemplating taking singing classes so that I actually stop singing like im from California.

Steve_o

Frankiestylee wrote:

I don't like the first bit at all. Sounds like the sort of stuff one'd write when they're pre-Junior Cert or something.

A little harsh, no?? Without having heard the song in full its hard to know....Some nice acoustic guitar and a piano maybe and i think that could work!!!

estebancambias

Here once again thanks alot. Thanks Stevo for your wonderful support. And frankie for your constructive criticism.

Frankiestylee

Steve_o wrote:

A little harsh, no?? Without having heard the song in full its hard to know....Some nice acoustic guitar and a piano maybe and i think that could work!!!

Possibly, though I did say it was growing on me. First impression and all that, and when I read that first I got a whole load of pop punk Blink 182-esque Sk8er boy stuff in my mind, and really I don't think the world needs any more of that. But it is an ok song lyrics-wise, and lord knows I've written much much worse in my time. When you decide how you want it played post it up here so we can see what you're thinking.

Dodgey accents are a pet hate, especially since I occasionally (and sometimes randomly) end up doing them. When I say dodgey I mean unexplained random Californian, Southern US, English accents. I know alot of the music we listen to features these so it's all too easy to mimic them, but it's fantastic if you can pull away from it.

Try listening to an artist with an accent more inline with yours, or something I tend to do is never listen to a similar artist to the music you're writing, so if I'm writing acoustic songs (as I tend to most of the time) I'll have some LCD Soundsystem or Flaming Lips on whenever I need music.

*tOpLaSs

Kiiinda sounds like a Blink rip-off, minus the rough-ness and originality imho tbh..

sophiemarie

I just don't think the lyrics have much structure. First she won't even give him her real name and then he makes out he knows that he knows she loves him....??