what to do, what to do?

LegacyUser

right long time poster- me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 4 years and lately the spark is definatly gone- we havent said it but there is no attraction between us anymore. The thing is- we both cut off all ties with our friends(not on purpose, but we got really wrapped up in eachother) so it really is only the two of us. We have no social life AT ALL! (we are both 26) we havent been out in over 10 months and at this stage we are afraid to spilt up with eachother although we havent spoken about any of this to eachother- basically i dont know what to do. if i leave him i will be completly alone and if i stay i will be unhappy. i dont really know what kind of advice im looking for but has anyone else been in this situation?

Yakult

Why dont the two of ye go out and socialise? That way you would make new firends.

Marksie

very bad.. wrote:

right long time poster- me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 4 years and lately the spark is definatly gone- we havent said it but there is no attraction between us anymore. The thing is- we both cut off all ties with our friends(not on purpose, but we got really wrapped up in eachother) so it really is only the two of us. We have no social life AT ALL! (we are both 26) we havent been out in over 10 months and at this stage we are afraid to spilt up with eachother although we havent spoken about any of this to eachother- basically i dont know what to do. if i leave him i will be completly alone and if i stay i will be unhappy. i dont really know what kind of advice im looking for but has anyone else been in this situation?

Sparks can be re-ignited, in any event things change over time and you should adpat and change with them.

Still you shouldn't go on as you are and should at least explore reconnecting to each other.
Two issues:

1) lack of spark: Communicate and try to reconnect with each other. There are plenty of resources out there.
But before you do that you two have got to openly talk to each other about what has happened and whether you both want to try and salvage your relationship. THEN you can try reconnection using any one of a host of resources.

2) lack of friends: Well i dont think this and 1 are unconnected. As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.
Not having a time for individual spaces and meeting others is a bad sign. Even the most dedicated couple know the value of time apart.
Time to take a proactive approach and bite the bullet, contacting your friends again and if necessary apologising.

redsauce

If the spark has gone then its time to get out. Your only together 4 years....which in reality is not a very long time. If you make a clean break from him you will find that you'll be out and about more often and will make friends naturally in time. For your own sake dont stay with him because your scared.....you'll only have a lifetime of unhappiness.

Kell

very bad.. wrote:

we havent been out in over 10 months

Thats really bad. Really really bad. My mind boggles wondering how you let it get that bad.

very bad wrote:

if i leave him i will be completly alone

No you wont. You need to bang on your friends doors, admit that you have been a complete tít in letting the friendships dwindle and throw yourself at their mercy. They are NOT going to reject you. Within weeks, it'll be back to the old scene before you hitched to Mr. Dull N Boring.

Be prepared to wear your goofiest smile, to bang on a lot of doors and beg for forgiveness. It'll come though.

K-

jellie

very bad.. wrote:

we havent been out in over 10 months

So what is it you do? Go to work and come home to each other & just watch tv etc? Since you say youve no friends i presume you dont socialise separately either.

Why not try doing something different together? Try going on date-type scenarios to remember what it was like at the beginning? Go to the cinema, for a drink, bowling, out for a meal, for a walk along the beach..

What about work? (or college or whatever?) anyone you can socialise with there? without your bf like

estar

the spark is gone out of your life not just your relationship

you are too young to spend so much time with just one person

before you ditch the relationship

build a life first - and see whether its the lack of a life or
the lack of a relationship thats the problem.

contact your friends and apologise - and ask to be let back in

and take up every invitation that you get.

take up a new hobby - go travelling on your own

instead of holidaying with the boyfriend

start taking some risks

its all a bit too safe for a 26 year old!!

Carcharodon

very bad.. wrote:

right long time poster- me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 4 years and lately the spark is definatly gone- we havent said it but there is no attraction between us anymore. The thing is- we both cut off all ties with our friends(not on purpose, but we got really wrapped up in eachother) so it really is only the two of us. We have no social life AT ALL! (we are both 26) we havent been out in over 10 months and at this stage we are afraid to spilt up with eachother although we havent spoken about any of this to eachother- basically i dont know what to do. if i leave him i will be completly alone and if i stay i will be unhappy. i dont really know what kind of advice im looking for but has anyone else been in this situation?

And how does he feel about it ????
Are you being selfish by staying in the relationship with someone you dont want to be with ?? Are you just using him in a way...he may well still want to be with you but you might be putting barriers up.
Is he the problem or have you just outgrown the relationship ?

OwenM

I'm very surprised you don't see that the lack of a life outside your relationship has made you bored with each other, you might as well be on a desert island. Get your friends back and tell him to get his. Also if you have friends in common all the better. Don't write your relationship off yet.

little miss

Why not get some hobbies too! Join a tag rugby team or something. Encourage each other to reclaim your social lives. Have one hobby together and something separate. I'd say he's pretty bored too. God, 10 months and no night out. I'd be going crazy. I don't know what I'd do without my friends. Definitely made me appreciate the time with my bf. Good luck! First thing though is to address this problem with your bf and come up with solutions together. You need to grow together as a couple if you are to stay together.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies- the thing is he has aspergers which makes it difficult to go out! i contact one of my closest friends today(first time in over 1 year!) and she was great- i never would of thought of doing that so arranged to meet up this weekend for lunch! hopefully this will be a start to getting my life back on track!
thanks again!