can boys/girls stay friends?

LegacyUser

Hey, just wondering if guys and girls can still remain friends after one develops feelings for the other, which unfortunately for them are not returned. I am in this situation right now (I am the girl who doesnt return the feelings) and to be honest I find it awkward and uncomfortable? This could also be possibly because he had admitted that he still likes me even after I said no.

DiscoHugh

No, at least I dont think so. He fancies you. If I was in his situation and found out you didnt like me back id cut off contact or at least cut down a lot.

He s probably very optimstic and thinks persistence is the key. He will take any act of kindness etc. on your part as a sign that you re coming round. It wont work...or else I might be talking out of my ass...

Boston

DiscoHugh wrote:

No, at least I dont think so. He fancies you. If I was in his situation and found out you didnt like me back id cut off contact or at least cut down a lot.

He s probably very optimstic and thinks persistence is the key. He will take any act of kindness etc. on your part as a sign that you re coming round. It wont work...or else I might be talking out of my ass...

You haven't a clue about this guy, you opinions on how he will react are completely unfounded.

isitpossible: depends on how goods a friend he is. I've seen it happen. Feelings die and people move on. Though difficult if he still holds out hope after the rejection.

jdivision

I think you can still be friends but you need to cut back a bit on contact for a while. When things normalise (and it does happen, he'll end up liking somebody else) you can continue on as before. I've been on both sides of the coin here and still mates with the people involved.

Zaph

It really depends on how he handles it. A good few years ago I told a friend of mine how I felt about her. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same way and I have to admit I was crushed at the time. However, in time I got over it and realised that I was interested in her romantically for the very same reasons that I liked her as a friend, she's clever, funny, thoughtful, supportive and more, and that it would be stupid to distance myself from such a good friend with all these great attributes just because she didn't want to go out with me. We're probably even closer friends now than we were before I told her how I felt. I'm not saying that every guy would deal with it the same way, but give him a chance and don't sever the ties too quickly.

Wibbs

Yes I think so, especially if you haven't had a serious relationship. Even in that case with the passage of time and both moving on it's possible, but difficult for many. Friendship is based in part on some equality of feeling. If one is in the inferior position of unrequited affection, it's not really friendship as the balance is skewed. As jdivision wrote it's a good plan to reduce contact for the time being. With distance you may get closeness if you catch my drift.

Sean7

Basically... No.

LegacyUser

'i posted here a few of months ago asking the same question. i had told my good friend that i liked her and she freaked out (not verbally) and was really mean to me. i started to hate her. then she told me that since i had gotten over her she could treat me nicely again - that got me even more angry that she could be so intentionally mean. but i got over it eventually because she was so persistent to keep me as a friend and now we're good buds. the key is not too be too hugsy and kissy with your friend and not to spend time alone together. i still like her but i know now to keep my distance. the difference between guys and girls is that if the girl offers sex on a plate the guy will take it. so just make sure he knows he's not going to get any and your friendship will stand a chance.'

Wibbs

Is it me? or...

totallydepends wrote:

'i posted here a few of months ago asking the same question. i had told my good friend that i liked her and she freaked out (not verbally) and was really mean to me.

Really mean to you? A bit over the top on her part. If you don't mind me asking how was it not verbal?

i started to hate her.

Why? That was a bit over the top on your part as well.

then she told me that since i had gotten over her she could treat me nicely again - that got me even more angry that she could be so intentionally mean.

Well it would make me react by scraping her off, so I can see where you're coming from there.

but i got over it eventually because she was so persistent to keep me as a friend and now we're good buds.

No, to be frank, you didn't get over it, she perhaps selfishly wanted you as a "bud" and persisted in the very action that would not let you get over her. Actually from your telling that isn't perhaps selfish, it is being selfish.

the key is not too be too hugsy and kissy with your friend and not to spend time alone together.

Seems obvious but good advice.

i still like her but i know now to keep my distance.

So you've been tamed basically. She got exactly what she wanted. You on a plate as her lovelorn "bud". Nice for her, I must say. Not so nice for you if you're still carrying around feelings for her and I guarantee she knows that you still like her. The balance in that relationship is all on her side. How do you handle other men she is with? Do you sit there bottling up feelings while concentrating on being her bud? That's not friendship IMHO.

the difference between guys and girls is that if the girl offers sex on a plate the guy will take it

Broadly true.

so just make sure he knows he's not going to get any and your friendship will stand a chance.'

It'll only stand a chance if he doesn't want more. I have a few close women friends. I carry no torches for any of them and the same goes for them with me. Gender barely comes into it, except the extra time you have to factor in for them to get ready to go out.:D One of them is an ex(not too serious) and we couldn't really be friends until after we both moved on from that part of our lives. We didn't see each other for over a year. We both moved on and now she's a friend. No ulterior motive. That's a good sign of friendship, regardless of gender.

StephenC_IRL

isitpossible wrote:

Hey, just wondering if guys and girls can still remain friends after one develops feelings for the other, which unfortunately for them are not returned. I am in this situation right now (I am the girl who doesnt return the feelings) and to be honest I find it awkward and uncomfortable? This could also be possibly because he had admitted that he still likes me even after I said no.

it depends on the guy really, Ive seen guys who make it arkward, wheras Ive also seen guys (myself included) be happy with being friends.

Marksie

isitpossible wrote:

Hey, just wondering if guys and girls can still remain friends after one develops feelings for the other, which unfortunately for them are not returned. I am in this situation right now (I am the girl who doesnt return the feelings) and to be honest I find it awkward and uncomfortable? This could also be possibly because he had admitted that he still likes me even after I said no.

It is possible yes, but you may have to set limits for the next while as you will not be able to influence his feelings for you.

If you try you will be doing exactly what totally depends described. Deliberately killing feelings by doing hurtful things.

If he doesn't move on you may have to cool things or have no contact for a while until he does.
It depends how much his friendship is worth and how much you want to keep it.

dotsman

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. (Being both the rejected/rejector!)

You can be best of friends afterwards (and years still years later!) depending on how both of you deal with it. As long as he remains a friend and doens't continue to hit on you, then you need to reciprocate and return that friendship.

This advice to distance yourself/cut off contact from him is terrrible. In effect, it will be you who is destroying the friendship because you can't handle the situation. He can't help if he has feelings for you! I can only imagine that it was very difficult for him to tell you about his feelings and is probably very embarrassed (even if he puts on a brave face).

You need to respect his honesty, make it clear to him that nothing will ever happen and immediately resume your friendship. If he is a true friend, he will respect your feelings (as you will have respected his).

Your friendship is on thin ice, if either he continues to hit on you, or you act awkward around him etc, then your friendhip will disintegrate.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

If you don't mind me asking how was it not verbal?

Sorry I take that back, at first it was verbal. "you w*nker, i thought we were friends, im so pissed off with you". the next week she was cuddling me in bed saying that obviously we were more than friends but she needed time to think. the next week she was being very cold and distant to put me off the scent. then she acted like nothing ever happened so that we could be friends again. and told me it was all an act. f*king mixed signals - no wonder i hated her. we had already booked a trip away together so neither of us backed out - we just put up with eachother and enjoyed the scenery. at one point though i had to get away and think about things - i felt like ****.

Wibbs wrote:

No, to be frank, you didn't get over it. So you've been tamed basically. She got exactly what she wanted. You on a plate as her lovelorn "bud". The balance in that relationship is all on her side.

Yes I think i've been walked over. It's pathetic i know but i enjoy her company. she's great fun to be around and always checks up on me. i've been going through a rough patch and she is always there for me.

Wibbs wrote:

How do you handle other men she is with?

I haven't really seen her with other men. I hear about it though. And I give her advice - but deep down there's some jealousy.

God the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I really like her as a friend but there are all these issues that were never resolved. She's genuine so I find it hard to believe she's using me. time will tell.

OP, maybe my example wasnt the best story of a successful friendship . I guess once you develop strong feelings for someone it's hard to make them go away. in my case we already 'got together' a year before all this recent drama. in your case it might work out because his feelings aren't as strong.

Wibbs

dotsman wrote:

You can be best of friends afterwards (and years still years later!) depending on how both of you deal with it. As long as he remains a friend and doens't continue to hit on you, then you need to reciprocate and return that friendship.

If one has the emotional fortitude to work it out that way, that can work. Many don't.

This advice to distance yourself/cut off contact from him is terrrible. In effect, it will be you who is destroying the friendship because you can't handle the situation. He can't help if he has feelings for you! I can only imagine that it was very difficult for him to tell you about his feelings and is probably very embarrassed (even if he puts on a brave face).

That advice was more aimed at totallydepends in my case anyway. It depends on the situation obviously. It depends on the depth of feeling in the rejected. If it's a crush, then of course it will pass. If he/she considers it more than a crush and it's building up, for their sake they need to take a step back.

I also wouldn't say she would destroy the friendship if they hung out less. Quite the opposite in fact. If she see's him as a true friend, she will try to do what will be best for him. Because what's best for him will be best for any friendship moving on from this. It's not just her that may not be able to handle it. He may be far more likely to not be able to handle it. At best he may just cover it up more.

In many cases a clear step back for both parties is the better plan. Often times the rejected person can begin to obsess or think that if they hang around long enough the other person will see them for the BF/GF material they think they are. It can happen, but it's rare and I would suggest putting one's life on hold for such an eventuality is not healthy.

Your friendship is on thin ice, if either he continues to hit on you, or you act awkward around him etc, then your friendhip will disintegrate.

That's why often a short time away or even a lessoning of contact is a good thing.

arac

to be honest I don't think you can ever truly be friends with someone if you have feelings for them. myself and boyf broke up 6 months ago, together for nearly 6 years, now I still love him deeply but I know I can never be 'just friends' with him, it is impractical and foolish and ultimately only injurious to yourself, your pride and dignity. Severing ties is never easy but sometimes the only solution to long term happiness and recovery...good luck

LegacyUser

'This is ridiculous, of course they can. Been the one fancied and the fancier lots of time and still friends with nearly every one involved. The only ones im not are friends that ive had where we drifted apart anyhow. I guess if someone has very low self esteem or other serious problems it may be difficult but for any normal person its not a big deal. I think its a great compliment to give or receive and thats that.'

scoey

totallydepends wrote:

Sorry I take that back, at first it was verbal. "you w*nker, i thought we were friends, im so pissed off with you". the next week she was cuddling me in bed saying that obviously we were more than friends but she needed time to think. the next week she was being very cold and distant to put me off the scent. then she acted like nothing ever happened so that we could be friends again. and told me it was all an act. f*king mixed signals - no wonder i hated her. we had already booked a trip away together so neither of us backed out - we just put up with eachother and enjoyed the scenery. at one point though i had to get away and think about things - i felt like ****.



Yes I think i've been walked over. It's pathetic i know but i enjoy her company. she's great fun to be around and always checks up on me. i've been going through a rough patch and she is always there for me.



I haven't really seen her with other men. I hear about it though. And I give her advice - but deep down there's some jealousy.

God the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I really like her as a friend but there are all these issues that were never resolved. She's genuine so I find it hard to believe she's using me. time will tell.

OP, maybe my example wasnt the best story of a successful friendship . I guess once you develop strong feelings for someone it's hard to make them go away. in my case we already 'got together' a year before all this recent drama. in your case it might work out because his feelings aren't as strong.

What a depressing story. I suggest you go have a read of http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
I suggest you pay particular attention to the terms "cuddle bitch" and "intellectual whore". They seem to fit your role in this situation like a glove, and trust me, no good can come from this.
She sounds like a horrible user, just so you know.

In response to the original question, my answer is no. Sure they can pretend to be and the guy can just bottle up his feelings and maybe even convince himself that he's happy just being her friend, but it's not going to be a proper friendship. As someone else mentioned the simple problem is that due to the fact that one person has stronger feelings than the other, the whole friendship dynamic will be messed up. Friendships are supposed to be equal, which is difficult when one person is pining away over the other. I like how people here are saying things like "oh sure it's possible, once the person gets over their feelings for the other" like it's that simple. "Oh, I know, I'll just flick the switch to turn off the attraction I feel towards this member of the opposite sex whose personality I really like" Give me a break, attraction isn't rational.

All this "everyone is different" stuff is crap too. There is a definite pattern that these things follow. Look at that site I linked to. Read the forums, see how many near identical stories there are from guys all over the world. Look around at people you know, all the overweight/spotty/nerdy/meek guy's with female friends that they're interested in, but who see them as just some asexual friend to moan about the guy they're actually having sex with to. I hate to break it to you , but human behavior in such situations doesn't seem to be as unique to every situation as some people claim. The patterns of behaviour are obvious.

For the guys out there who are currently in friendships with people they're attracted to, where the feeling isn't mutual, my one piece of advice is to extract yourself from the situation as soon as possible. That type of situation will do absolutely nothing but damage to your self esteem in the long run and will mess you up with women in a lot of subtle ways that you'll only find out about when you do start going out with a girl and discover that the meekness/fear of physicality in your dealings with the women you're associating with has rubbed off onto your actual relationships aswell and turned you into some sort of feminine wuss, something which is completely unattractive to women. Make some female friends you aren't attracted to, and who aren't attracted to you instead.

Stabshauptmann

damn you for beating me to it. Yup ladder theory, nothing is just satire.

LadyJ

Yes, it's very possible. Just takes time to adjust really. If the friendship means tha much to both of you then why ruin it over something like that? I've been there and it's hard, incredibly hard but it can work.

louisecm

You DEFINITELY can be friends. A couple of years ago I went through a phase of having feelings for a guy who at the time was one of my best friends, I told him, he said he was flattered, we went for a pint and that was the end of it. We're still good friends now, I have had a serious relationship since and he is with a girl and having a baby! It can work, just be mature about it.

Blondie86Star

I think its always in the back of your mind that that friend really likes you and that can make it awkward.

Wibbs

For some reason I missed this one. Apologies for the late reply.

totallydepends wrote:

Sorry I take that back, at first it was verbal. "you w*nker, i thought we were friends, im so pissed off with you". the next week she was cuddling me in bed saying that obviously we were more than friends but she needed time to think. the next week she was being very cold and distant to put me off the scent. then she acted like nothing ever happened so that we could be friends again. and told me it was all an act. f*king mixed signals - no wonder i hated her. we had already booked a trip away together so neither of us backed out - we just put up with eachother and enjoyed the scenery. at one point though i had to get away and think about things - i felt like ****.

Alarm bells. As others have wrote you're her cuddle bunny. Simple as. Trust me women generally need very little "time to think" when they know what they want.

Yes I think i've been walked over. It's pathetic i know but i enjoy her company. she's great fun to be around and always checks up on me. i've been going through a rough patch and she is always there for me.

Cool that you enjoy her company, but it's an unbalanced relationship. that's not good.

I haven't really seen her with other men. I hear about it though. And I give her advice - but deep down there's some jealousy.

Naturally. I would steer well clear of giving her advice. It's not your job when you have feelings like yours. It's all very well being a "nice guy", but only when such feelings are reciprocated. She's got some neck to ask you for advice when she knows your feelings. That's some moral compass she's got going on there.

God the more I think about it, the more confused I get.

I'm not surprised.

I really like her as a friend but there are all these issues that were never resolved.

The issue is simply that you want more than friendship.

She's genuine so I find it hard to believe she's using me.

No offence, but wake up and smell the coffee. She's not genuine and she is using you. If she wasn't she would not be cuddling you and seeking advice about other men, all the while knowing you have deeper feelings for her. She's either not genuine/using you or she's a bit thick. Which do you think it is?

time will tell.

It will and I guarantee that the day will come when someone comes into her life and you will be sidetracked only to be brought out when and if things go bad with him.

Louisecm wrote:

You DEFINITELY can be friends. A couple of years ago I went through a phase of having feelings for a guy who at the time was one of my best friends, I told him, he said he was flattered, we went for a pint and that was the end of it. We're still good friends now, I have had a serious relationship since and he is with a girl and having a baby! It can work, just be mature about it.

In that case you had a glorified crush on this guy. It didn't translate into a sexual relationship and he didn't use you as a cuddle bunny. That was a mature relationship, hence the continuing friendship. There were no mixed signals.

LegacyUser

I haven't read any replies so sorry if I'm repeating but you can most definitely be friends. My best friend fell for me and even told me he was in love with me. I told him the feeling wasn't mutual and told him I would give him space for a few months, which I did. I still talked to him and saw him out but I backed off a bit. 3 years later and we still the best of friends. Now, I did say you can definitely be friends but I think it depends on how strong your relationship is and on maturity. Even now my best friend gets jealous of my boyfriend and we argue but we move on.

Wibbs

yesoui wrote:

I haven't read any replies so sorry if I'm repeating but you can most definitely be friends.

Right so.

My best friend fell for me and even told me he was in love with me. I told him the feeling wasn't mutual and told him I would give him space for a few months, which I did. I still talked to him and saw him out but I backed off a bit.

Very good plan.

3 years later and we still the best of friends. Now, I did say you can definitely be friends but I think it depends on how strong your relationship is and on maturity.

That sounds good.

Even now my best friend gets jealous of my boyfriend and we argue but we move on.

Hmmmmm, here's were it goes slightly awry. He gets jealous of your boyfriend? That's not a very good sign. So he still carries a torch for you? Why would he get jealous? That doesn't sound either "mature" or logical if you're friends. I don't get jealous over my female friends boyfriends. Just as much as I don't get jealous over male friends girlfriends. As I have no romantic attachment in either case, why would I? It sounds like at least part of your relationship still has issues. It sounds as if he still hasn't moved on in some way.

BTW, Has he got a girlfriend now? If he had would you get jealous over her? I suspect not as you have no romantic notions towards him.