Girlfriend Left, Life Going Nowhere

LegacyUser

I'm a male, aged 32, and living in Dublin. At the moment, I feel that my life is going absolutely nowhere and I'm getting really depressed as a result of it.

I wasn't always depressed. When I left home at 18 for university, I had a ball for the four years I was there. I met some very good friends and was also lucky enough to spend some time travelling and broadening my horizons. I also worked very hard thoughout my four years and came out with a 1H in my Computer Science degree. I even got a special award for being placed top of my class. At the time; I thought that the world was my oyster and it wouldn't be long before I would be making an impact and hopefully making mega bucks to boot.

Fast forward seven years and here I am, I feel that I haven't done anything with my life in those seven years. I like my job, it's challenging and interesting but after six years in it, I'm only earning €34k. I always thought that at this stage of my life, I'd be settling down and would have a place of my own. After visiting a mortgage broker, the most I could get with the €22,000 I saved over the last couple of years was €250,000, this was with a 40 year mortgage and the rent a room scheme factored in. Not only is €250,000 practically useless but I'm 32, how the heck can they expect me to fund a mortgage up until I'm 72? Is there something I'm missing here or is this absolute madness? In the meantime, I have to prepare my belongings to move out because the landlord wants to raise the rent. I've lost count of the number of rented accomodations I've lived in since I was 18, it's at least double figures at this stage. People belittle the travellers, but at least they have their mobile homes, all I have are suitcases and black plastic bags.

Invariably, the next problem in my life is friends and trying to find a woman. By no means am I an ugly or introverted guy but for some reason I just can't seem to find long-term friends or a partner. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I have no friends at all. It's just that the ones I have all seem to be preoccupied with their own little lives. It seems like everyone either has the babies to look after, bills to pay or else would rather just stay at home drinking wine. I miss the days when I would go out with my buddies from college and we'd have a couple of pints, watch the football and then talk shíte. It seems these days that everyone has "grown up" or something and are no longer interested . . .

In terms of finding a girlfriend? Well I had one up until a year ago. Initially she was the one who I thought I'd marry but as time went on, my feelings for her just sort of faded. I would have stayed with her as I valued her as a companion and friend but she wasn't having any of it, so we split up. Since then, other than a drunken fumble with a work colleague one night, there hasn't even been anyone on the radar. I'm at the stage of my life now where I'm not getting any younger, I want to marry and have children at some point. At the moment though it doesn't even look like a distant possibility.

I know it's more of a rant than anything. But can anyone advise me on how I can turn things around?

Cheers!

Evil Phil

Start looking for a new job. 7 years I.T. experience with a great BSc in Computers Science will earn you more than 34k. Then join take up a new hobby or join a club. It's a great way to meet new people and make new friends. Things might take a while to move on both fronts but they won't happen until you start making them happen.

joesoap1976

Sorry to hear you are seriously down. I can see things are rough for you at the moment but there are many many people in your situation.

Unfortunately,I cant help you with the mortgage issue but the girlfirend issue i can. Look, I have just split with my GF and its a horrible place to be at the moment. I have had similar thoughts to you about the future but I know you cant rush things. There is no quick fix to this you have to let nature take its course. For me in that respect i am worse off than you. Much worse.

You dont have break up to get over. You have a clean slate to start going out dating without the crippling thought of your ex GF in your head. What i wouldnt give for that.......... Go out and date. If you see a pretty girl ask her out. She can only say no.........

Who knows you could eventually find the right one ...... marry her and solve your other problem of mortgage constraints. A little long term viewpoint but not impossible.

Kell

Hey, I am 32 too but still think I am 17, and live like it too. A few questions-

A) Why do you feel you have to live in Dublin
I'll be a little stronger than Phil- what the fúck are you only earning 32k for at your age?
C) Why have such limited aspirations (settling down) of your life for where it is now?

If you look OUTSIDE of Dublin, there are properties inside your budget. You dont have to work inside of Dublin either. When was the last time you looked for a new job given that your employer is paying you peanuts?

And as for the settling down bit? You have at least another 50 years on this planet given current trends in the mortality age. Thats nearly twice the amount of time you have been here already, but you are down because you want to be at an accelerated stage down the path rather than enjoying the moment.

Looking forward to the replies.

K-

joesoap1976

hey we are all 30 somethings here. Age is just a ****in number. Kell is right. Set your goals higher. If you dont set yourself goals what do have to aspire to ............ Go for it. Grab the Irish Times today and look for a new job. Put it under your arm go to a nice coffee shop and pick up a girls number on your way home. Be optimistic............

dodgyme

Kell might have somethin - move to limerick - they work hard and even with families the lads go drinking most nights of the week. class

Kell

joesoap1976 wrote:

and pick up a girls number on your way home. Be optimistic............

Only if she is cute. An ugly burd will only propagate the notion that he is useless.

OP- to expand a little. You have convinced yourself into thinking "I cant". You need to re-convince yourself into thinking "I can". You too joe.

K-

delos

When was the last time you got a pay rise or promotion in your current workplace? If your good at your job (and I have no doubt that you are) but haven't been pushing your career your company will pay you what they think they can get away with.

If you have been on the quite side at work then a job interview with another company is a good way to focus your bosses attention and loosen the purse strings a bit. On the other hand a change in jobs might be the very thing you need - 6 years is a long time to spend in a job these days.

joesoap1976

Go to a recruitment ageny too. I found a few around town to be quite good. Put your c.v together over the weekend and mail it off. Thats a start ......

Wibbs

Kell wrote:

Only if she is cute. An ugly burd will only propagate the notion that he is useless.

QFT:D Only kidding. Look OP you're only 32. Big deal. I know a guy who is 46. Up to his late 30's he appeared to be going nowhere. Now he lives in France and you should see the life he has now. Never mind his 26 yr old Dutch(I dunno either ) girlfriend. The word Phhoooooaaar springs to mind.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies first of all.

Kell wrote:

A) Why do you feel you have to live in Dublin
I'll be a little stronger than Phil- what the fúck are you only earning 32k for at your age?
C) Why have such limited aspirations (settling down) of your life for where it is now?

A: I'm a big believer in living near to my place of work. If I was to move out to Kildare or Meath then I'd be facing a several hour commute to and from work in South County Dublin. I know people who do it and I see the stress it inflicts on them and their partners. Even as a single person, I don't think I could take that sort of stress, it would definitely make me more miserable.

Of course, I could get a job outside of Dublin but it's not a realistic option for me right now. Anyway, I'm not even sure that I could get a position similar to the one I have at the moment.

B: I have actually renegotiated up to €35K starting June. There are benefits as well that I get like a BUPA health insurance, ~10% bonus, a new laptop every year, etc. They're also paying for my Masters. So I have to hang off a awhile yet before I can leave.

What is the going rate for a general IT person who manages the company servers/network/machines/telephones/website?

C: I have had many aspirations for my life, a lot of which I've managed to achieve. I've been on all five continents, got a degree and am aiming for a Masters, etc. At this stage of my life, I want a partner and a family (something I near really had myself as a youngster). The problem is that at the moment I have a full-time job and a part-time course to do. I don't have a scope for my primary hobby of tennis other than an hour or two at the weekends. So new interests or activities in my life isn't a go'er right now

Like I mentioned already. Having to move from rented gaff to rented gaff is a killer at the moment. At this stage I am seriously thinking about drawing down another €20,000 from the credit union so I can say to the broker I have a €42,000 deposit. That would mean I could probably scrape a mortgage for a 1 bedroomed place, even if it was a crappy part of Dublin.

As for meeting someone? Well at work at the moment it's babe central. The problem is that so many of the women in my age bracket are either married or with partners. This too tends to be the situation whenever I go out. So many of the ladies seem to be attached.

So can anyone tell me where the young elligible women are these days?'

Ishindar

u should be earning 40k minimum for a job like that at your age. 35k is insulting imho. u need to let your boss know u are not happy with that. Life is expensive so at least charge them properly for your time. personally i think u are in the wrong job and should be doing something more complex and pitch yourself higher. gl with it.

texas star

Why dont you try the affordable housing, you can apply once you earn under 55K. Get into Dublin City Council or ring them and they will send out the forms, its a start at least. Hope that helps

jimmycrackcorm

Ishindar wrote:

u should be earning 40k minimum for a job like that at your age. 35k is insulting imho. u need to let your boss know u are not happy with that. Life is expensive so at least charge them properly for your time. personally i think u are in the wrong job and should be doing something more complex and pitch yourself higher. gl with it.

As someone who interviews and hires IT people, I think he is lucky to be getting 35K for being

a general IT person who manages the company servers/network/machines/telephones/website?

You have to bear in mind that from a management perspective, this guy is not someone who is adding increasing value to the business but instead is a fixed cost. For example it's like having someone to do your payroll; they don't add to the value of the business but they're a necessary cost. What surprises me is why someone with a H1 Comp. Sc. didn't get into development where all the earnings potential is.

the_syco

So, you'd prefer to live in a sh|t part of Dublin, rather than adding an extra 20 minutes to you commute, to get a decent place? The mind boggles.

estar

hey there

i really don't understand why you are not pushing yourself to earn more

perhaps you need a business qualification or more further education
to earn more - i have a 1H in my primary degree and did a business
course after college and am now pursuing accountancy and earn
around 55K. and i am also a fixed cost - i spent some time in systems
and development - its hard to get a break - you need to be pushy
and push yourself.

basically with your degree and potential you are wasted in current job
i know guys that have no degree doing your job. sorry.

i think careers in IT are now flat - unless you move into development
as that other guy said.

why not pursue a financial add on to your degree at night

this might get you into financial systems where there is still
money to be made.

as a financial systems analyst you could make 55-60

and with your computational background a consultancy would love you

I would pursue accountancy exams if I were you - you can do CIMA

at night at little cost - and they are easy exams. and when part qualified
move to the above role and get sponsored to do the rest of the exams.

also there are loads of girls in the lectures. and the age group is
younger and less baby and marraige obsessed.

problems solved!!!

i wouldnt consider buying a house in this market either.

also - like you will be thanking your lucky stars your "companion"
saw the light. theres a little more to a life partner than
just someone you get along with.

its exciting to make life changes so start now!!

my brother in law was out of work for two years in IT
and now works in a good job for a consultancy

so theres much more hope for you

the most important thing is to have a positive attitude.

estar

Kell wrote:

Only if she is cute. An ugly burd will only propagate the notion that he is useless.

theres a little bit more to a girlfriend than just being cute.

id much rather an ugly burd as you so charmingly put it

to an ugly personality.

estar

SeriouslyDown wrote:

So can anyone tell me where the young elligible women are these days?'

if work is babe central make friends with the married or attached women

as - they all have single friends

if they like you - you will be introduced to these friends as a lovely guy
etcetc

also - women are good listeners and generally good friends to have.

and the fact they are attached means you can be friends without any
sub texts etc

a word of caution - re drunken fumble with work person

unless you are seriously into any of the women and want to date them

don't fool around with the single ones - it creates complications
you wouldnt believe.

there are lots and lots of single girls out there.

i have many single friends myself. (i am a girl)

i would forget the one bed crappy flat - you will be more
lonely in a one bed than sharing a cheap flat with some fun people
and saving money.

the reason the broker wont be able to give you more money
is that you just cant afford it~

so saddling yourself with a twenty grand loan is not the answer.

although i have seen one beds for sale in dublin inner city for
250,000, swear to god.

i wouldnt buy an apartment in dublin to be honest.

the world and its mother own apartments and wont be able to give them
away in about five years when they all want to settle down and have
babies.

and you wont fit many of them in a one or two bed apartment

keep the savings for a few more years.

there are lots of really good investment accounts around - stick the
savings in one of them

and when you find the right girl

you will be able to afford a little house and a wedding!!!

Wibbs

What estar wrote is right on the money. Get yourself an extra qualification that will seriously increase you prospects money wise. It'll help a lot socially too.

theres a little bit more to a girlfriend than just being cute.

True. Physical attractiveness is a very big part of it though. Obviously beauty is in the eye of and all that, but one should not lower one's standards just because of singledom or panic. I suspect that's what kell was getting at. The OP has plenty of time to sort out himself and his career. It's one of the advantages of being male.

I above referenced a guy I know in his forties. When he was 35 he was in a job and a relationship that was going nowhere. She left him. Luckily as he says now, although he was heartbroken at the time. Given that this particular woman was more likely to break mirrors than hearts it was even more tragic. BTW Her personality was equally unpleasant for those about to pounce.

He got his act together. It took a few years, but he is very content at this stage with a great life and a great partner(marriage is on the cards). In his case he started his own company in an area completely different to his old job. That's another option.

OP don't sweat it. Get that extra qualification and get yourself out of your rut. You would be surprised how easy it may turn out.

id much rather an ugly burd as you so charmingly put it

to an ugly personality.

Personally I would like both beauty and brains and personality. They're not mutually exclusive you know. If I don't find someone attractive physically or mentally I don't pursue it.

LegacyUser

I am already on the waiting list for affordable housing. Hoping against hope that I get offered something.

Another thing, the reason why I'm in the job I am was because when I went looking for a job, the IT market was in freefall. At the time, I took what I could get.

the_syco wrote:

So, you'd prefer to live in a sh|t part of Dublin, rather than adding an extra 20 minutes to you commute, to get a decent place? The mind boggles.

You don't seem to understand. A nice place that's affordable is in Navan, Newbridge or Drogeda. I work in the Sandyford Industrial Estate. Even from the closest town, Newbridge, the commute would be an hour and a half each way. Not twenty minutes as you maintain.

Estar: Thanks for the very constructive advice. I am actually undertaking a Masters at the moment in Management Information Systems. I should be getting it in a few weeks hopefully. As part of the contract I have with my company, I have to stay for at least a year otherwise I have to pay them back the college fees.

Of course, there is nothing stopping me from looking elsewhere up until then, right? I'm actually going to meet up with a friend of mine who has got some contacts in the IT industry. So there may be hope for me yet.

Kell

estar wrote:

theres a little bit more to a girlfriend than just being cute.

id much rather an ugly burd as you so charmingly put it

to an ugly personality.

True. I just dont like ugly girls. If I said I like BMW's, you wouldnt have an issue. Choice is a great thing and something I choose to exercise. Its got nothing to do with ugly personalities.

OP- why not move out of Dublin? Yes your job is paying for your education at the moment, so you choose to accept your lot for now, or you dont. No point in complaining about it given the fact that its your choice. You chose it. If it doesnt suit you, change your mind.

K-

estar

Kell wrote:

True. I just dont like ugly girls. If I said I like BMW's, you wouldnt have an issue. Choice is a great thing and something I choose to exercise. Its got nothing to do with ugly personalities.

I agree, choice is a wonderful thing. I apologise if what I posted
was interpreted as advising that you not be allowed to exercise
your choice in the burd dept. I shouldn't really have picked you up
on it, normally someone expressing themselves in such a primitive
manner would not bother me in the least.

If you have said BMW's however, it would really have had no baring on
the previous conversation whatosever.

I actually don't like BMW's, they are far too obvious for my liking.

But I am sure they are very popular with those who like the good looking
burds.

Floppybits

SeriouslyDown wrote:

' What is the going rate for a general IT person who manages the company servers/network/machines/telephones/website?

The going rate is anything from 45K and upwards, not 35k. I work in IT and believe me I would not be working for a company for 6 years that only paid me €35K after those years, especially if I had a degree, I would be out the door so fast.

I am in my job 3 years and I started on €32K and I dont have a degree or anything like that and in that time my salary has gone up nearly €10K and that includes a laptop, pension, health insurance and free mobile phone. It seems to me that the wage you are on is a starting salary and the company are taking advantage of you.

I think what you need to do is start with a clean slate, Get the a new job its not that hard and I am sure you can find one close to where you live, and then get on with your life. This is probably the change you need to make to get you out of that rut that you are in.

Kell

estar wrote:

I actually don't like BMW's, they are far too obvious for my liking.

Neither do I, but you got my point. I much prefer the new Audi I'll be picking up in a week. Happy days. Oh happy days!!

SeriouslyDown wrote:

So can anyone tell me where the young elligible women are these days?'

They are all over the place!! Have you been wandering around with your eyes closed for a number of years?

K-

Victor

Kell wrote:

Neither do I, but you got my point. I much prefer the new Audi I'll be picking up in a week. Happy days. Oh happy days!!

You two get a room / garage.

On topic please.

Marksie

SeriouslyDown wrote:

A: I'm a big believer in living near to my place of work. If I was to move out to Kildare or Meath then I'd be facing a several hour commute to and from work in South County Dublin. I know people who do it and I see the stress it inflicts on them and their partners. Even as a single person, I don't think I could take that sort of stress, it would definitely make me more miserable.

Sometimes its a tradeoff to be honest and sometimes it is about seeing where you are going to be in 5 years time or longer. Then taking the necessary steps to get there.
I DO have a horrible commute (though it has got slightly better recently).
But the upside is the mortgage i will be paid within 6 months and thus will have taken 9 years to pay off.

Dont forget this 40 year lark assumes you wont put any extra into it.. if yu do it rockets down.

SeriouslyDown wrote:

Of course, I could get a job outside of Dublin but it's not a realistic option for me right now. Anyway, I'm not even sure that I could get a position similar to the one I have at the moment.

Why you are only renting, have no emontional ties and are in a job with crap pay.

SeriouslyDown wrote:

B: I have actually renegotiated up to €35K starting June. There are benefits as well that I get like a BUPA health insurance, ~10% bonus, a new laptop every year, etc. They're also paying for my Masters. So I have to hang off a awhile yet before I can leave.

Woo hoo! wow..1 grand! don't forget the national pay agreement which also comes in in june..are you getting that as well....or is that incorporated? thats another 2%.
Do you really want to leave?? or making excuses not too.

SeriouslyDown wrote:

C: I have had many aspirations for my life, a lot of which I've managed to achieve. I've been on all five continents, got a degree and am aiming for a Masters, etc. At this stage of my life, I want a partner and a family (something I near really had myself as a youngster). The problem is that at the moment I have a full-time job and a part-time course to do. I don't have a scope for my primary hobby of tennis other than an hour or two at the weekends. So new interests or activities in my life isn't a go'er right now

How long does the course last, again i sense a negative cannot do atittude. detremine what you want and take steps to realise it. But first you have to know what you want, really and truly want rather than some wishful idea.

SeriouslyDown wrote:

Like I mentioned already. Having to move from rented gaff to rented gaff is a killer at the moment. At this stage I am seriously thinking about drawing down another €20,000 from the credit union so I can say to the broker I have a €42,000 deposit. That would mean I could probably scrape a mortgage for a 1 bedroomed place, even if it was a crappy part of Dublin.

As for meeting someone? Well at work at the moment it's babe central. The problem is that so many of the women in my age bracket are either married or with partners. This too tends to be the situation whenever I go out. So many of the ladies seem to be attached.

So can anyone tell me where the young elligible women are these days?'

chicken and egg time here. you pay to get a house in a crappy part of dublin or wherever and will have no money to socialise.
Thus you wont meet anyone, though there have been countless threads with women saying they cant meet anyone either... so work that out
OR
you go dating or whatever and find someone then move to families and mortgages.
Where do you meet them, well anywhere, try internet if stuck and dont have a circle of friends to go out with.

Organise your priorities Op, which is most important:

New Job
social life
House
Relationship

Then work at it in that order... but usually once one comes of many of the others do too... just a matter of having the gumption to break out of the comfortable rut you are in (even though you are not happy) and go for it.

and why the need at 32 to feel that you should be hitched?

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

don't forget the national pay agreement which also comes in in june..are you getting that as well....or is that incorporated? thats another 2%.

The the best of my knowledge, that only applies to organisations who buy into the new wage deal. I dont think its an across the board thing, no pun intended.

K-

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

but usually once one comes of many of the others do too... just a matter of having the gumption to break out of the comfortable rut you are in (even though you are not happy) and go for it.

Too twue. I bought a house last year and decided it wasnt a good idea to move house and job at the same time, even though I was quite unhappy with work.

Late last year, I decided I couldnt stick where I am working any longer, went for a few interviews, missed the one I wanted but invited back to go for a job with a home office. It couldnt have been more ideal as I would facing a 240km roundtrip a day in an office job.

Make the break. Everything else follows suit.

K-

muppetkiller

35k a year in Dublin is woeful ...I wouldn't work for that money in Limerick !!
A grad is on that money after a year in QA for gods sake. Did you ever ask around what other people are on ?

Sounds like your not very proactive in your job.Otherwise you'd be on the big bucks by now. What are you career goals in the next 5 years ? Do you have any goals ? (I don't mean get more money and a girl)

Hate to say it but you need a severe kick to get your ass in gear.
Want to meet women go onto the net and try internet dating/speed dating etc..?
Have you tried anything or are you just moaning ?


Get out of Dublin if you can't afford to live there.

oxegen tix

Hope you're feeling a bit better now? I'm around same age as you, not stupid and not ugly, also feeling down for various reasons, would really like to speak to you on PM, but can't see the option there for some reason, let me know if you would like me to PM you

PS: I'm not a stalker, just someone who has a bit of compassion as a fellow 'depressive' at the moment

Marksie

****** tix wrote:

Hope you're feeling a bit better now? I'm around same age as you, not stupid and not ugly, also feeling down for various reasons, would really like to speak to you on PM, but can't see the option there for some reason, let me know if you would like me to PM you

PS: I'm not a stalker, just someone who has a bit of compassion as a fellow 'depressive' at the moment

He is unregistered thats why you cannot PM. If you want to feel free to start a thread with your issues