Any ideas?

LegacyUser

This is probably going to be a bit long and a bit blown out of proportion, so sorry in advance.

A few months ago I was a bit merry and invited a few people over to my place on my way home from a night out. Most of the people (all bar one, in fact) I had invited over live in my estate and I knew them fairly well. We were all travelling home together anyway, so it made sense (to me at least) for us to have a few drinks in my place before wrapping the night up, as it was still early (before 1). One of the guys - let's call him Dave - had a friend who I didn't know with him.

As we got closer to my place, the others decided to head home. They had to pass my place to get home anyway, so they walked me to my door. I made a final invitation but they all decided to go home, except Dave's friend, who decided to come over anyway. I was a bit drunk, so I thought it was a bit strange but didn't dwell on it. I just thought we'd have a few drinks and he'd head home. (Yes, I'm that naive.) Dave gave him his front door key and told me he'd see me tomorrow or the next day, and we all parted ways.

Things were going fine, and we were having a chat over a few drinks in my place when Dave's friend (let's call him Mark) started hitting on me. I was a bit surprised, and not at all interested, so I told him I was sorry but he wasn't my type, and he stopped. However, when I came back from the bathroom he moved over to join me on the couch and started playing with my hair. I asked him to stop, and he did, for a few minutes. He started it again, and I told him I wasn't interested (again). A few minutes later after we had finished our drinks I said I was tired and going to bed.

When Mark realised he wasn't coming with me, he got a bit aggressive and pinned me to the wall in the entrance hall. I asked him to take his hands off me, that I wasn't interested, and that I didn't like men (once again, a bit drunk, naively thought he'd get the hint and fcuk off). He took this as a challenge and I had to shove him off me. I told Mark he had until I counted to 5 to leave, or I'd physically throw him out, and opened the front door. He obviously thought I was joking as he didn't move, and so I did shove him out and I bolted the door behind him. He then rang the doorbell for almost 5 minutes straight, while I sat behind the door hoping my housemates wouldn't wake up.

I was freaked out for the rest of the night, but didn't want to blow it out of proportion (which I'm pretty sure I have done now) so I didn't tell anyone. The only thing I said to Dave was that Mark was a bit of an ass when he was drunk, which Dave found surprising.

The thing is, I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't been as strong as I am, or if I'd been a bit drunker than I was. I've seen Mark a few times since, but he's come into the place I work three times in the past week and he must have recognised me on Tuesday as he won't look me in the face now when he see's I'm at the till. I'm still really shaken by how easily I let myself get into a situation where I couldn't really control things, and it's made me so over-cautious. I always get the last bus home and haven't had more than one drink when I'm out since. I'm really, really angry that I allowed myself to be so stupid and I don't know what to do, because seeing him makes me feel sick, but I have to deal with him whenever he's in the shop and I'm there.

Any advice would be appreciated.

spurious

That 'Dave's friend' is 'an ass' is putting it mildly.

You were not at fault for anything that happened. It sounds like the guy knows this too and he probably knows he's lucky he didn't have the guards coming for him when he was harassing you by ringing the bell after he 'got aggressive' and you threw him out.

There are lots of tossers like him about, but they are in a small minority. For many reasons you should not get yourself so drunk as to lose control - not just because of the danger of sexual assault, which this very nearly was.

It's very understandable that you feel scared now, but you were not to blame for what happened. Thinking about 'what ifs' is really a waste of your energies. It is as if he assaulted your spirit though he failed to assault you. Don't let him 'win'. Don't let this loser make you worry all the time, but take it as a lesson that creeps like him are out there, although thankfully most guys are not like him.

You are entitled to invite someone into your house for a drink without it meaning you have to have sex with them.

StormWarrior

Report him immediately! If he thinks he can get away with it, god knows what he might do in future to someone who's not strong enough to fight back!

Carrigart Exile

StormWarrior wrote:

Report him immediately! If he thinks he can get away with it, god knows what he might do in future to someone who's not strong enough to fight back!

Report him for what, he tried it on and he failed. As for the OP I bet Mark is cringing like mad inside. I would forget about it, you have the moral high ground he feels like a jerk

WindSock

It's not your fault, how could you expect him to be a dick? The only thing is to be more wary of strangers. Are you Female? I'm worried that your housemates didn't come down to see what the racket was. It is scary to think that he may be more persistant with others. Are you close to your friend Dave? If you are, then maybe say it to him and tell him you would like to have it a wee chat with Mark, with Dave present.

The Sweeper

You're not over-reacting. Basically a drunk man was pushing the limits with you to see what he could get away with. Nothing, obviously, and he did leave you alone, but all you can really do is use this as a lesson for yourself.

Most of us wait until we're in a situation we cannot get out of before we allow ourselves to admit we're in danger. It's mainly because nobody wants to think the worst of people naturally. Well all like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

1) Try not to be scared of this guy. You did the right thing.
2) Who cares if he woke your flatmates up? Think logically, if a female friend of YOURS was huddled at the front door because some overzealous ****wit had tried to get physical with her when she didn't want to, and she threw him out, and now he's playing happy harpo on the doorbell, who would YOU be siding with??
3) Stick with your instincts next time. And believe the world has teeth. Because it does, and they'll bite you any time they like.

StormWarrior

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Report him for what, he tried it on and he failed.

He pinned him against the wall, became physically aggressive, refused to leave. The OP could have been raped if he had not been able to fight him off.

LegacyUser

Its a tough one but if you know any Guards personally maybe you could ask one of them to have a word with him off record - it might just scare him into having manners in the future.

In reality he did assault you, its up to you how much further you want to take it. Obviously it has left its mark on you and while its good that you are more aware when you are out his actions have obviously left a mark on you.

Marksie

StormWarrior wrote:

He pinned him against the wall, became physically aggressive, refused to leave. The OP could have been raped if he had not been able to fight him off.

I agree, that goes well beyond "trying it on".

You are not overreacting. You did excellently and he was out the door. I wouldnt have worried about the flatmates, in fact waking them up would have been an option should he have not gone.
As for the police, well, its months after the event unfortunately.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and its is easy for us to say you should have acted immediately. I am sure Dave would have been very shocked that his mate would have done this.

Still, how to deal with the outcome:

Over cautious: A little perhaps, but wiser definitely. The fact you are aware of this potential for harm should not stop you enjoying a night out, as long as you know your limits in say alcohol.
Same as getting the last bus home, maybe make definite arrangements to travel back with someone you do know and trust if yuo want to stay on longer.

You are angry with yourself and thats good, but don't dwell on the what might have beens. The fact is, you handled it, your attitude will ensure it won't happen again.
Its easy to say Oh i shouldn't have let mark in but you were in a group, it wouldnt have occurred to you if it was just some randomer.

As for this mark Character himself, well the fact that he wont look at you speaks volumes. My guess is he is worried, or do something or approach him and say something. Certainly he isn't going around as if nothing happened. Which isn't to excuse his behaviour in the slightest, alcohol or no alcohol, he was still a tw*t

event

id be telling Dave exactly what sort of an ass Mark is

let him know, if one of my female mates had had this done by one of my other mates, id want to know

the_syco

event wrote:

id be telling Dave exactly what sort of an ass Mark is

let him know, if one of my female mates had had this done by one of my other mates, id want to know

Tell Dave exactly what happened, and tell him not to invite "Mark" ever again.

Oryx

Your thread is titled 'how to cop on', and its almost apologetic in its tone. As if you did something wrong. You didnt. You 'should' be able to invite someone into your home without being assaulted by them. (Yes I know this is the real world etc, but Im just saying this is NOT your fault in the least) Stop being hard on yourself and save your anger for the sh*t who you had to throw out (and bravo for being able to).

I suppose you look on this as a lesson learned, and it has made you more cautious, but it shouldnt make you paranoid. You know how to stay safe, just dont let any fear rule your life.

If youre embarrassed about the whole being hit on by a man thing, and I dont see why you should have to tell Dave, or anyone about this. But if you see Mark regularly make sure you look directly at him, be strong and let him know from your demeanour that you havent forgotten. If it makes you feel better, and you can do it, tell him what an asshole you think he is. Perhaps a sober Mark will have the decency to be ashamed*

*Im assuming of course that Mark is not a complete animal. Only do this if you will be safe!

Caliden

Let you mate dave know just incase the same thing might happen to him.

DublinWriter

Howtocopon? wrote:

Any advice would be appreciated.

Advice? You're lucky to get off so luckily. Hopefully you'll think twice before letting a randomer in, even if you have the best of intentions.

I'd chalk it up. The guy sounded so basted that I bet he doesn't even remember the proceedings.

But let it be a warning!

Nordie

Don't beat yourself up about it, you're not the only one this has happened to and thankfully nothing further happened. Put it down to a bad experience, learn from it and be more cautious in the future. Do mention it to your friend.

Cake Fiend

If you do nothing about this, you've let yourself become a victim. Let people know (in real life, not just on boards) what happened.

dame

DublinWriter wrote:

The guy sounded so basted that I bet he doesn't even remember the proceedings.

He must remember or he wouldn't be avoiding eye contact etc.

I agree with the others who say tell Dave and your other friends.

Why didn't your housemates wake? Why didn't they come down to see what was going on and were you alright? Surely they'd have the doorbell at least, even if they hadn't heard the altercation in the hallway. I'd tell the housemates what happened too and tell them if they hear something like that again, feel free to interrupt.

ELLIEJ

Definitely tell your friend Dave.

Kell

Howtocopon? wrote:

Any advice would be appreciated.

You did nought wrong. Just another sad twat giving the rest of us a bad name. You never can tell who you have just invited in the door till they do something stupid.

Advice- get on with your life and let him see that you DONT give a shíte. As you said, HE is the one that cant look you in the eye. He knows he has done wrong. Also tell your mate Dave. I'd bust my mates balls (physically) for threatening a woman like that.

K-

AnonoBoy

Not that it makes a difference but I think most people have missed the fact that the OP is a man or else a lesbian. Or have I got that wrong?

This may be why you're reluctant to tell your friend about what happened. Don't let it worry you - as everyone has stated, you did nothing wrong and it is not your fault that he acted the way he did. You should tell your friend what happened so he knows what sort of guy his friend is.

Kell

AnonoBoy wrote:

Not that it makes a difference but I think most people have missed the fact that the OP is a man or else a lesbian. Or have I got that wrong?

What the hell has that got to do with anything?

K-

Marksie

AnonoBoy wrote:

Not that it makes a difference but I think most people have missed the fact that the OP is a man or else a lesbian. Or have I got that wrong?

The didnt like men comment?

I took it as an attempt to get the guy off. Though as kell says its irrelevant

Miss Fluff

Howtocopon? wrote:

I'm still really shaken by how easily I let myself get into a situation where I couldn't really control things, and it's made me so over-cautious. I always get the last bus home and haven't had more than one drink when I'm out since. I'm really, really angry that I allowed myself to be so stupid and I don't know what to do, because seeing him makes me feel sick, but I have to deal with him whenever he's in the shop and I'm there.

These things happen OP and oftentimes it is only when something happens or we are faced with the harsh reality that something is about to go pear-shaped that we question our own actions/behaviour. It should be a learning experience for you. Chalk it down to a bad experience (and lucky escape). Thankfully you HAD the wherewithal to spurn his advances and were assertive enough to get r1d of the slimy creep. As far as I'm concerned, you did well. I guess for next time you know not to invite people back who you're not sure about.