Jealous girlfriend

LegacyUser

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

Carrigart Exile

You recognise its irrational, so that a first step. Can you not console yourself with the thought that whilst he might be with them on a night out its you he is constantly thinking of

Anti

jealousgf wrote:

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Cateym

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Surely a moderator shouldn't be making as unhelpful as that????

PinkPrincess26

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Oh how helpful of you...... surely a moderator should know better..

Kell

Children- if you want to know the rules re modding, read the feedback forum.

On topic. OP- the root of all jealousy is insecurity, so perhaps your question should be "Why am I insecure?"

Not wanting him to spend time with female members of his family is a little extreme though, but at least you have recognised an issue that you need to deal with.

It takes a LONG time before you can re-programme your head not to be jealous. It starts with conscious rationalising to the point where your brain subconsciously cuts off the jealous emotion before it starts.

K-

Nevyn

Right, see this here
This is your firends the report post button.
If you think a post is not helpful or breaks any of the rules of the charter of this forum you click on with in the post and fill out the little form which will generate a report for the mods of the forum to look at with a link to the 'offending' post.

What you don't do is post off topic about the post with in the thread because that will get you banned.

Anti is not a mod of this forum, there are 5 mods for this forum.
There are over 300 mods for the entire site.
Out side the forums they mod they are ordinary posters and can say what they wish as long as they accept the responsiblity for thier post up to getting banned from a forum they break the rules of.

Anti's post had alread been read this morning and while it may seem harsh it is a fair comment and may be helpful to the op unlike the two post directly after.

If either of ye want to 'discuss' the modding or the policies of this forum you are free todo so in the feedback forum.

If I see unhelpful comments like that again from either of you it will be a 1 week ban.

LegacyUser

Your recognition of the fact sets you apart from almost all other irrational women, give yourself a pat on the back for self awareness, and then get over it, t'will be no bother to ya.

Teddi

yea seriously anti, a regular wouldnt even make a statement like that...god!..

to the OP, at the end of the day..it is jealousy that you are feeling, irrational or not its something that every relationship has to work through, every man has female friends, every woman has male friends, its just how the whole social circle is made up. Id suggest you sit him down and talk frank about how you feel...id be more than undersanding in those issue's and try and put you at ease with some of them atleast

No communication = failed relationship (fact!)... just talk to him, im sure things will start looking up after that...

hope some of that helped

T

Nevyn

jealousgf you know at least you can see that you have a problem, that is a big step and you can also see what it will damage your relationship and you are clearly looking for help with changing or at least coping with your irrataional jealousy.

It could be a range of reasons from low self estime to pervious relationships to adult role models in your life who cheated or broke up a long term relationship.

If it is having such a phyiscal effect that you are having near anxiety attacks and you know your fears are unfounded I would suggest that you go talk to your dr and see about some couselling or who ever they recamend cos it seems that your heart is ok but your head is messing you about so go get it examined so that you can have the open trusting caring relationship you want with your bf.

rediguana

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

I would never call a moderator a moron, as I'd risk a ban. Sometimes rules can be quite restrictive.

r3nu4l

Hello Original Poster, recognising that you are being silly is a great start. As Kell said, you certainly are insecure.

If you feel okay when he is hanging out with male friends then this suggests that you are insecure about yourself as a woman. Perhaps you feel that other women are more entertaining than you, better looking, more fun or similar. Perhaps you feel that you are boring.

If that is true then I would say that you are probably feeling inferior to other women for some reason or other. Do you have many female friends yourself? You mention having lots of male friends but nothing about female friends.

If you do have female friends do you always feel that they are somehow better than you? Dress better, look better, apply make-up better? Again, if so then this points to you feeling inferior to other women. You should remember that your bf has chosen you to go out with, no-one else. If he didn't want to be with you he could easily break up with you. He hasn't yet so it suggests that he's happy with you.

I know that when I'm out with female friends and my gf isn't there I almost always end up mentioing her (in a good light!). Example, two weeks ago one of my female friends mentioned something about a dress in Karen Millan...now I obviously wouldn't be that interested (yawn) but I did remember mrs. r3nu4l telling me about a dress she had seen there so I told my friend about it. My gf is never far from my mind, even if she's not there and because she is a big part of my life I refer to her a lot!

It may be that when he's talking with his female relatives and friends he is singing your praises, you'd probably be embarrassed to hear him gush about you

/enough armchair psychology, I'm out of here

Nevyn

rediguana 1 week ban for off topic posting.

Kurumba

OP, it sounds to me like you might feel like your missing something in the relationship? You obviously trust your bf so maybe you feel he is not giving you enough attention in other ways? Something like this could lead to you feeling resentment when he is spending time with other females.

As others have said though, at least you recognise it isn't logical.
So when you feel yourself getting jealous just try and have a little chat with yourself and reassure yourself that he loves you and you only and hopefully soon your pattern of thinking will change in no time at all.
Women have a tendancy to be a little illogical from time to time and most of us have felt insecurity at some point. So just recoginse it for what it is and don't let it ruin the relationship.
Best of luck.

TheHost

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Is that supposed to help???

TheHost

jealousgf wrote:

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

Have you talked to him about this?

Nevyn

TheHost banned for one week for off topic posting.

HelterSkelter

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Thaedydal wrote:

Anti's post had alread been read this morning and while it may seem harsh it is a fair comment and may be helpful to the op unlike the two post directly after.

How can "Get your head examined" be considered a helpful comment? How does one go about getting their head examined? Seriously, is this some kind of joke?

anonymous69

jealousgf wrote:

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

Hey, I know exactly what your going thro. Long story short...I was feeling the exact same for ages with my bf and our mutual female friends. I also thought no way would anything ever happen with them, and he constantly reassured me, so i felt like a paranoid freak. then a few months ago, i found out from a friend of mine that my bf had cheated on me with one of the girls i had been paranoid about. The thing that upset me the most was how paranoid i became, and i had been right all along. im sure ur bf wouldnt do anything, but im just saying, i obvioulsy sensed something there, so maybe u need to look into it more?

Kell

anonymous69 wrote:

so maybe u need to look into it more?

I dont think the two issues are the same. *You had a gut instinct that something was going on. The OP just doesnt like him spending time with other people. They are two very different issues.

To requote the OP-

jealousgf wrote:

or even family member.

Would you gather that she assumes he may wish to shág his sister from this comment, or that she just doesnt like to be alone.

Hmmn- another nail on head.

OP- two things here. If its other women you dont like him spending time with, thats jealousy and insecurity. If its family members you dont like him spending time with, thats a biig fear of being alone, or, to be more concise, fear of being left alone.

Answer honestly and tell us why you have these fears.

K-

*If I wasnt afraid of Thaed today, I would have been much nastier. Let that be a lesson!

Nevyn

HelterSkelter banned for off topic posting for 1 week.

daveg

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

I just wanted to post to the OP that this is not a serious issue and you do not need to get your head examined. How is this meant to help the OP? Jealous is a natural emotion. Granted you seem to be letting the emotion run away with you and you need to work this out otherwise it will effect your relationship. I've opened a post in feedback to discuss the modding of this post.

6th

jealousgf wrote:

I want to be the only female friend he has

jealousgf wrote:

I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member.

jealousgf wrote:

I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point.

That does sound like a serious issue and maybe the OP does need to seek help with regards to her jealousy.

biko

jealousgf wrote:

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

Well, you seem aware of all the sides of the issue. You can't ask him to stop seeing other friends and you want him all to yourself.
Really you're just gonna have to take it on the chin and smile.
Perhaps you could something together, just the two of you, so that you can get your "dose". Weekends away et cetera.
In reality, he is still gonna see these other girls (just as you see your boys) and there is nothing you can do about it without hurting him and your relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyone's comments.
First off, I should clarify a few things from my original post; when I mentioned "family members" I wasn't talking about his mother or sisters but about his female cousins because he's very close to a few of them (I know, feeling jealous about this is stupid). Also when I said I had "a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach" I didn't mean I was having panic attacks, it's more like the uncomfortable feeling I get when I realise I have a deadline coming up in college and haven't prepared sufficiently for it or when someone asks me to do something for them and I realise later that I totally forgot about it.
Secondly, I don't think I have serious issues but I am obviously feeling a bit insecure, which is leading to this jealousy. r3nu4l may have hit the nail on the head when he said that I might be feeling inferior to other women. I've always been a bit of a tomboy and while I'm sure that this is one of the qualities my boyfriend likes about me, I guess I have to wonder if it's a part of me with which I'm not particularly secure .
Thirdly, while I'm aware that if I talked to my bf about it he would be supportive (and probably agree with me that I'm being nuts) there are a few reasons why I'm hanging back. It's not a massive issue at the moment and doesn't appear to be affecting our relationship. Also, I'm a bit worried that if I mention it to him it may affect the way he acts with some of his female friends, even if it's just subconsciously. I really don't want me being an idiot to affect the way he acts with his mates.
I don't have a fourthly but if anyone knows of any coping mechanisms, apart from me just telling myself I'm being a right twit when I feel like this, I'd love to hear about them.

Anti

daveg wrote:

I just wanted to post to the OP that this is not a serious issue and you do not need to get your head examined. How is this meant to help the OP? Jealous is a natural emotion. Granted you seem to be letting the emotion run away with you and you need to work this out otherwise it will effect your relationship. I've opened a post in feedback to discuss the modding of this post.

You are right there, jelousy is a natural emotion. But i think the op has taken it to far and the problem might stem deeper then it seems. My post was not meant as a isult to her, or any of you lot either. It could have been put in a nicer way that soft cussioned the problem, but why should i pussyfoot around my own words? It was a serious suggestion, and straight to the point.

daveg

Anti wrote:

My post was not meant as a insult to her

Anti wrote:

It could have been put in a nicer way that soft cussioned the problem, but why should i pussyfoot around my own words?

So that you didn't insult her and so that you didn't cause her more issues than she already has (by thinking she has a serious mental issue which requires psychological, medical attention).

LegacyUser

As far as I'm concerned, Anti was stating his opinion, and while I don't agree with it I don't take it as an insult. I'm an intelligent, reasonably mentally stable adult and I'm not going to break simply because someone calls me a lunatic. I came here to look for opinions and advice, now I'm not obliged to agree with anyone's opinion or adhere to their advice but I'd still like to hear them and whether people like it or not Anti's entitled to his. For the sake of the mod's and because I'd prefer not to see this thread locked within 24 hours of it's creation, please don't post any more about it. Thanks.

Yakult

jealousgf wrote:

I know this post is going to sound really, really stupid but does anyone know any good methods of dealing with irrational jealousy. I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly jealous person, I do get jealous sometimes but I tend to think about the situation logically and usually realise that I'm being silly before it gets out of control. For the past while though, I've found myself getting jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his female friends, especially if they're mutual friends of ours. It's not like I think he's going cheat on me or anything, it's more like I want to be the only female friend he has (insane, I know!). I get a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know that he's going to be spending time with a female workmate, friend or even family member. I know I'm being daft, he spends more time with me than he does with most of his mates, male or female, and I myself have a load of male mates. I'd be gutted if he asked me to stop spending time with them, in fact he'd be told to get lost if he pushed the point. So I have no justification in the way I feel (not that I would have any even if I didn't have male friends myself).
Does anyone know how I can deal with this?

I know the feeling unfortunly. How long have ye been going out? Has he a history of cheating maybe that your concious about?
I myself was in that situation, because my Gf has alot of guy friends and when we first started dating I got jealous alot but I trust with all my life and when she says Im the only guy for her I know she means it, so I just got used to the fact and it went away!
Just get used to it, because you cant be the only female friend he has.

Nevyn

jealousgf if you are having issues with your 'tomboynes' and how you may compare why not take some time out for yourself when he is off with friends who happen to be female and get a manicure or a facail or get a new hair cut
do something for yourself so you feel better and I am sure that he will be wowed by how ever more wonderful you look.

biko

You could also tell him you feel insecure* and will require a lot of loving for a few weeks. Let him take care of you.

*Don't explain yourself, women never do and it's not expected.

Nevyn

biko wrote:

*Don't explain yourself, women never do and it's not expected.

What rubbish.
I would be more tomboyish then girlie but I certainly take the time to explain to my SO when I am going or having or have just had the girlie collywobbles over
something that is not rational. It is part of understanding yourself and taking responsiblity for it and if it need working on to change it you change it or you find ways to cope with it.

Anti

daveg wrote:

So that you didn't insult her and so that you didn't cause her more issues than she already has (by thinking she has a serious mental issue which requires psychological, medical attention).

jealousgf wrote:

As far as I'm concerned, Anti was stating his opinion, and while I don't agree with it I don't take it as an insult. I'm an intelligent, reasonably mentally stable adult and I'm not going to break simply because someone calls me a lunatic. I came here to look for opinions and advice, now I'm not obliged to agree with anyone's opinion or adhere to their advice but I'd still like to hear them and whether people like it or not Anti's entitled to his. For the sake of the mod's and because I'd prefer not to see this thread locked within 24 hours of it's creation, please don't post any more about it. Thanks.

Well thats your theory out the fecking window isnt it. And yes ill take the 1 week ban for going off topic. One the chin infact.

Nevyn

No, considering that you blanatly went off topic after all the warnings and the pervious bannings it will be a month Anti.

r3nu4l

Hi jealousgf, Thaedydals suggestion is a pretty good one. I know someone very similar to you actually! The whole tomboy thing has been something she grew up with, having three brothers and hanging out with them! These days she finds it a bit difficult to be 'girly'.

If you can afford it, treat yourself to a one-hour facial and massage session. By all means keep reminding yourself that you are being silly but also remind yourself that out of all the women your bf talks to every week, you are the one he chooses to be with! You are the one he goes places with and opens up to when he's down. You're the one who knows him better than any of the others.

That is one way to cope. If he is out for an evening and you are stuck at home on your own then it's easy to brood on these things (I'm a bit of a brooder too tbh!).

I find that doing something I enjoy is a good way to stop thinking about it. If you know he's going to be away then why not treat that time as a time for you to relax and do what you want...look at it less like him being out having a great time and more like you being in and having some space for yourself. I usually take time to get some serious uninterrupted reading done or to play a long gaming session or play the kind of music that mrs. r3nu4l can't stand or any number of things.

If you view the time as your personal space time you can use it to unwind and you can even look forward to it, even if you are missing him.

The important thing is to keep saying to yourself that if he wanted to be with another girl he'd probably have done it by now. At the back of it all you know it's silly and to be honest, in most cases, it's a habit and breaking the habit and that cycle of thought is important.

EDIT: by the way, just in case you do go for the beauty treatment idea and the bf doesn't seem very wowed bu it...I tend to be a bit of an idiot when it comes to making a fuss over my girlfriend when she gets a new haircut, facial or beauty treatment. I do notice it and think she looks great (but then I always think she looks great, even if she's hungover first-thing in the morning after a big night out:)) but I tend not to express that as much as I should, I'm working on it...so don't be disappointed or upset if your bf says "Yeah, it looks nice" and walks away again! In man-language "looks nice" equates to "Wow, that looks amazing, you are stunningly beautiful" in woman language.

cee_jay

OP, my male cousin's girlfriend is kinda like you - and we can see it.
I grew up with my cousin, and we are very close, even went to Australia for a year together (with other friends and 2 other cousins - its a very close family). Anyway, somehow, his girlfriend seems to have an issue with this, and from an outside view, I can see this - if he spends time chatting to us on a night out we are thrown daggers from her. She is always perfectly nice to my face, and I am unsure if she realises she does this. After all - he's my cousin and nothing is happening there!
Tbh, I have often considered telling him about this and asking him if she is definitely the right person for him, but don't think its my place - but a few other female cousins and friends have noticed this also and I do feel its a matter of time.
So, before the jealousy gets the better of you, perhaps you could do something about it. As previous posters have said, tell him you are feeling insecure!
Always remember it is you not them he has chosen to be with.
Perhaps there is a female friend you can sit down and chat to about this? That is what friends are for after all!

SarahSassy

Cateym wrote:

Surely a moderator shouldn't be making as unhelpful as that????

It wasnt the first or last time!!! Anti posts consistently irrelevant, irresponsible and unhelpful posts to antagonise the OP or other posters.

OP you know what you are doing wrong and can you examine why you are doing it?

Gordon

SarahSassy wrote:

It wasnt the first or last time!!! Anti posts consistently irrelevant, irresponsible and unhelpful posts to antagonise the OP or other posters.

:rolleyes: banned

markk06

Anti wrote:

You have serious issues. Get your head examined. Seriously...

Ah now... no need for that...

HAHAHAHA

mloc

Jealously is a funny thing.

You'll find that your not really jealous of things other people have, but rather things you perceive yourself not to have. It's hard to realise this, of course, but once you do understand that the feelings of jealously you experience are just your bodies response to irrational fear, you'll be able to relax a bit and not feel jealous.

Work on your own self-confidence, that is your confidence as an individual. It is important to be confident in oneself before one can be confident with another.

little miss

I can sympathise. I can be a very jealous gf. Stems from the fact my father used to cheat on my mum all the time, and I grew up being told that all men are bastards and that all of them are programmed to cheat. I desperately didn't want to believe this - still don't! Though it is difficult to rationalise my insecurities sometimes. I used to be very open with my ex about my crazy thoughts (which they were). I knew I was being crazy silly but deep down I trusted him and thought it was just better to come clean when I was feeling irrational. His hugs then would make me feel like the biggest prat for doubting him. Ok, he did end up cheating in the end but things were on a downward spiral by then. When we were at our best I 100% trusted him but couldn't always shake off my fears and jealousy. I think if I'd kept my fears from him, I would have just ended up getting more and more irrational. Always helps if you can be honest and your partner can help you put your fears into perspective. Good luck!

seahorse

Hi OP; I dont think there's a person who's ever been involed in a relationship in the history of the world who didnt feel jealousy at one point. The only part of your original post that really stood out to me was when you mentioned that you felt jealous in connection with your bf spending time with female family members. I have to be honest; I do find that odd in the extreme.

I have had some feelings of resentment bordering on jealousy because of the exorbitant amount of time my bf spends with his family, but that is an issue related to the time I am being deprived of. I feel no different when he is spending time with his sisters as opposed to his brothers. That you feel jealous when he's in the company of female family members only would honestly be a warning bell to me; it has irrationality plastered all over it. But I am not telling you anything you dont know yourself here, and as other posters have pointed out, it is a vital first step that you recognise that irrationality for yourself, as you do. So in essence, what I'm saying is, dont be too hard on yourself. Work on the issue, but dont label yourself a mentaller because of it. Remember luv, the true mentallers are the last to see anything odd in their carry on!