Why won't he talk?!

LegacyUser

I know women tend to talk too much and over analyses things, but seriously, my ex is incapable of saying anything without words being put in his mouth. Its driving me crazy! We're trying to work through things in the hope of getting back together but his inability to initiate conversations or say the right things is making me doubt if we should do this. He rarely texts me, and just can't seem to put into words what he's thinking. He's the one who messed up the relationship, forcing me to leave him and yet, I seem to be doing most of the work to try and fix things. I know he loves me. I know he has issues, and he's working on those. But I'm losing patience - I need him to open up and let me know what's going on here. I'm scared if I back off completely its not going to work out, and seriously now, we are so right for each other I don't want to have to walk away. Seeing him for the first time since our break up tomorrow and I know what will happen. I'll end up doing all the talking to avoid awkward silences, and he'll just sit there looking at me... Is there anything I can do to get him to open up? Any tips would be appreciated...

the_ronan_only

mixed up wrote:

I'll end up doing all the talking to avoid awkward silences

give him time to think and respond

im_invisible

some people are just like that, they find it very hard to put their feelings into words, without some sort of help... id say, depending on where you're meeting, bring a bottle of wine, (or a couple of cans) or go for a drink,

Victor

Stick some sticky tape on your mouth and tell him that he has to say something (meaningful) for it to come off.

Perhaps someone to play referee wmight be useful? A relationship counsellor?

biko

mixed up wrote:

I know women tend to talk too much and over analyses things, but seriously, my ex is incapable of saying anything without words being put in his mouth. Its driving me crazy! We're trying to work through things in the hope of getting back together but his inability to initiate conversations or say the right things is making me doubt if we should do this. He rarely texts me, and just can't seem to put into words what he's thinking. He's the one who messed up the relationship, forcing me to leave him and yet, I seem to be doing most of the work to try and fix things. I know he loves me. I know he has issues, and he's working on those. But I'm losing patience - I need him to open up and let me know what's going on here. I'm scared if I back off completely its not going to work out, and seriously now, we are so right for each other I don't want to have to walk away. Seeing him for the first time since our break up tomorrow and I know what will happen. I'll end up doing all the talking to avoid awkward silences, and he'll just sit there looking at me... Is there anything I can do to get him to open up? Any tips would be appreciated...

Was he always uncommunicative like this? How was he when yous first met? What did he do to force you out? Or did you leave because he wouldn't talk about his feelings? If this was the reason are you sure you're really right for each other?

LegacyUser

Yes, he's always been like this but its not why I left. Its not a deal breaker or anything - just frustrating when we're trying to put things right. We're always able to talk about everything else and he has no problems telling me he loves me etc. Left because of other issues - all of which he's getting help for and doing really well for himself. I like the idea of a relationship counsellor, as I know I'm not perfect either and could listen or discuss things more productively. But, I'm not sure if it would work... I don't want him to feel I'm pushing him into this. Just looking for some tips on how I can handle this first meeting more than anything...

Chinafoot

Ok, not to sound too harsh or anything but why don't you wait and see what happens when you meet up? Stressing out and convincing yourself that he's going to sit there and say nothing is only going to put you on edge before you even get there. If he's been working on past issues and doing well for himself maybe he'll be working on his communication problems too.

You said you haven't met up since the break up, how long ago did you break up? Do you expect him to open up to you over text messages?!

One thing that really stood out for me in your opening post was this;

mixed up wrote:

his inability to initiate conversations or say the right things is making me doubt if we should do this.

Have you at all considered that maybe he is trying to tell you how he feels but that it isn't what you want to hear?

When you meet up, don't try to fill awkward silences. Give him time to say what he wants to say. If he finds that hard, don't put words in his mouth, don't tell him what you think he should be saying to you in order to get things sorted. You could maybe suggest he writes down everything he's thinking and feeling in a letter to you. Failing that, you may have to accept that he's just not good at sharing his feelings and if that's not something you can deal with you should walk away.

LegacyUser

Fair advice thanks. What I meant by say the right things is that he just doesn't say anything at all! Just usually looks at me... But a letter is a good idea. I'll suggest it. And true, he might have been working on his communication skills after all and we could have the best chat. I'll just have to see. Regarding texts, I just mean that he doesn't send any. I know its silly, just would like the occasional text to know he's thinking of me, you know like last thing at night. We broke up four weeks ago so its still early days I know. Just this meeting is stressing me out. I feel really nervous.

Skiesonfire19

From a guy, if we don't put in the effort, we don't want anything.

But that's only my opinion.

Skies

Wibbs

Skiesonfire19 wrote:

From a guy, if we don't put in the effort, we don't want anything.

But that's only my opinion.

Skies

There's some truth in that and most men given have the chance are not the taciturn unemotional eejits that some cliches would have you believe. It depends on the maturity of the man in question.

Chinafoot

mixed up wrote:

Fair advice thanks. What I meant by say the right things is that he just doesn't say anything at all! Just usually looks at me... But a letter is a good idea. I'll suggest it. And true, he might have been working on his communication skills after all and we could have the best chat. I'll just have to see. Regarding texts, I just mean that he doesn't send any. I know its silly, just would like the occasional text to know he's thinking of me, you know like last thing at night. We broke up four weeks ago so its still early days I know. Just this meeting is stressing me out. I feel really nervous.

I wouldn't worry about the texts thing. I know plenty of people (mostly blokes, but some girls too) who say they hate texting. They see it as pointless and they don't bother. That doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Take comfort in the fact that he's meeting up with you. If he wasn't interested in sorting things out then chances are he wouldn't bother meeting up.

Just relax and see what happens. Lay out what you want from the relationship and then let him respond. If he needs time to get this thoughts together on this and work out how to communicate that to you, give that time to him if you think he's worth it.

I hope it all works out the way it's meant to. Best of luck.

the_syco

mixed up wrote:

I know women tend to talk too much

mixed up wrote:

my ex is incapable of saying anything

mixed up wrote:

Yes, he's always been like this

So, he's always been the silent type?

mixed up wrote:

without words being put in his mouth

mixed up wrote:

just can't seem to put into words what he's thinking

And if he trys to think of something to say, you put words into his mouth.

mixed up wrote:

or say the right things

Sorry. I'll rephrase what I just said. Or you put words that you want to hear into his mouth.

mixed up wrote:

He's the one who messed up the relationship

I doubt he ever got a chance to say what was happening, tbh.

=-=

Calm down, and chill. From the above comments you made, I'd say he's nearly afraid of saying the "wrong" thing to you.

ntlbell

mixed up wrote:

and seriously now, we are so right for each other I don't want to have to walk away. Is there anything I can do to get him to open up? Any tips would be appreciated...

You don't sound very *right* for eachother.

What age is he?

LegacyUser

Well, I'm off to meet him at lunchtime so guess I'll just have to see. Was hoping for some advice on how I could be a better listener etc - things I could say and so on. Or not say as the case may be. We're both in our early thirties so its not like we're kids. And he will talk about other things, just not emotions. Maybe that was because of other issues though and yes, maybe things will be different today. Also, maybe it was a bad idea to post here last night. I was just freaking out a bit. Its difficult to convey what a relationship is really like on a message board. I've just focused on our problems rather than the positive bits. Guess best plan is to wait and see and stop over worrying.

Kell

the_syco wrote:

I doubt he ever got a chance to say what was happening, tbh.

Calm down, and chill. From the above comments you made, I'd say he's nearly afraid of saying the "wrong" thing to you.

What I was going to say. Right up there.

OP- what you have to do is actually "listen" to him. Its really quite a useful thing is listening.

I had a recent experience where no matter how simpley and plainly I spelt things out to someone, they just didnt get it because they felt I "should" have said something different and had programmed their heads to hear nothing other than what they wanted to hear.

STOP thinking about what you want. STOP wishing he would do this that and the other. LISTEN to what he has to say.

In fairness, my gut says forget about a relationship because you seem unable to accept him as he is.

K-

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

maybe he is distracted by other things in his life? Maybe he is under stress?

Wibbs

mixed up wrote:

Was hoping for some advice on how I could be a better listener etc - things I could say and so on. Or not say as the case may be.

Look you seem to be focusing on what you think should come out of your mouth, not what is going into your ears. This isn't rocket science. It really isn't. By the sounds of it it does seem difficult for you. Lesson 1; you don't need to say anything, beyond what do you think of X. Lesson 2; Actually hear and listen without prejudice as to what he has to say, not what you want to hear. Lesson 3; Don't constantly interrupt when he makes his point(s). That one is really infuriating.

Kell wrote:

OP- what you have to do is actually "listen" to him. Its really quite a useful thing is listening.

Seems to be what's missing here somewhat.

STOP thinking about what you want. STOP wishing he would do this that and the other. LISTEN to what he has to say.

Exactly. I wouldn't be surprised if he is talking to you. It's just not what you want to hear. Not so good that.

In fairness, my gut says forget about a relationship because you seem unable to accept him as he is.

Yep, I've been at the receiving end of that guff and it's wearing in the extreme. It's bad enough in your 20's, but if this is an issue in your 30's when you should have some idea what you want from a relationship, it's far more worrying.

Kell

Wibbs wrote:

It's bad enough in your 20's, but if this is an issue in your 30's when you should have some idea what you want from a relationship, it's far more worrying.

Do I hear a cry for help?

Bah- people spouting at you and no matter how clear and concise your language they still dont get it because its not covered in cotton wool and matching what they need.

Bah to needy fúckers. Down with that sort of thing!

OP- sometimes I hear things from people and look at texts and think "what exactly is it they want me to say to their drivel". Perhaps your BF feels the same sometimes when he doesnt answer, because I do the same or ask the offender what it is they want to hear.

K-

Moss

I'm a 24 year old guy and I have little tolerance for people who don't talk. Fair enough if someone is shy but if someone just refuses to communicate I find that disrespectful. Tell your boyfriend he will have to start talking if he is ever going to develop as a person. Communication/language is at the centre of what it is to be human. Refusing to talk can be a form of passive aggression. OP, I don't know if its that bad with your boyfriend but if I were you I would not put up with someone not talking to me for very long. You deserve better.

Kell

Moss wrote:

Tell your boyfriend he will have to start talking if he is ever going to develop as a person. Communication/language is at the centre of what it is to be human. Refusing to talk can be a form of passive aggression.

Hmmn. Methinks this one has lots to learn. Not talking disrespectful? WTF?? Who said that???

Disrespectful is not accepting people for who they are and how they are. If the OP does not like the way her boyfriend is around her so she should move on. Whats the point in complaining about something and not doing anything about it? Is she not being disrespectful talking about her BF on a public forum rather than talk to him about it and actually listening to what he has to say as opposed to putting words in his mouth.

The OP has said already that she doesnt like awkward silences and constantly breaks them. Have you been faced with someone who constantly talks at you when you are trying to get your head into gear to answer the question they have just posed? Usually you have to tell the person to shút the fúck up. Maybe the OP's BF doesnt want to offend her feelings by telling her to shut the fúck up? No?? Maybe???

K-

ntlbell

Kell wrote:

Hmmn. Methinks this one has lots to learn. Not talking disrespectful? WTF?? Who said that???

Disrespectful is not accepting people for who they are and how they are. If the OP does not like the way her boyfriend is around her so she should move on. Whats the point in complaining about something and not doing anything about it? Is she not being disrespectful talking about her BF on a public forum rather than talk to him about it and actually listening to what he has to say as opposed to putting words in his mouth.

The OP has said already that she doesnt like awkward silences and constantly breaks them. Have you been faced with someone who constantly talks at you when you are trying to get your head into gear to answer the question they have just posed? Usually you have to tell the person to shút the fúck up. Maybe the OP's BF doesnt want to offend her feelings by telling her to shut the fúck up? No?? Maybe???

K-

Maybe I've read it wrong but I got the impression he doesnt' talk about his feelings etc when they're having issue's as men tend to bottle them up rather he just doesn't talk in general but I maybe wrong.

Like when this happens

woman:"what are you thinking"
man: "nothing"

they can't understand for a minute that a man can actually sit there bone idle and think about absoloutley nothing when it's probably one of the things we're best at.

Moss

Kell wrote:

Hmmn. Methinks this one has lots to learn. Not talking disrespectful? WTF?? Who said that???

I have alot to learn. Cheers. I was referring to a situation where someone stubbornly refuses to communicate. I personally find that disrespectful because it is as if they don't trust you/ or as if you're unworthy of their conversation. It can be very hurtful to people who are close to you if you refuse to communicate. Its sometimes called passive aggression. I stand by my original point the communication is critical in a relationship and if one person isn't talking you're going nowhere.

Kell wrote:

The OP has said already that she doesnt like awkward silences and constantly breaks them. Have you been faced with someone who constantly talks at you when you are trying to get your head into gear to answer the question they have just posed? Usually you have to tell the person to shút the fúck up. Maybe the OP's BF doesnt want to offend her feelings by telling her to shut the fúck up? No?? Maybe???

I took the OP's post at face value. Maybe she is way overtalkitive and needy. Thats possible. But she did say her herself: "he just doesn't say anything at all!". Most people would want to fill awkward silences when they go on beyond a certain point. Thats perfectly understandable. You wait, give them the person a bit of time to initiate conversation or respond to what you said and if nothing happens you try again.

Kell wrote:

Is she not being disrespectful talking about her BF on a public forum rather than talk to him about it and actually listening to what he has to say as opposed to putting words in his mouth.

I think she just wants to get this sorted out. She has obviously tried talking to him, hasn't worked as well as she would like and is looking for a bit more advice. Nothing wrong with that.

Kell

Moss wrote:

I have alot to learn. Cheers.

You're very welcome. I know my best mate 18years this year. At your age, I was still giving out about him being deafeningly quiet. He happens to be the best bloke you could meet and can teach you all about the meaning of respect. Acceptance taught me this.

Moss wrote:

I was referring to a situation where someone stubbornly refuses to communicate. I personally find that disrespectful because it is as if the don't trust you/ or as if you're unworthy of their conversation. It can be very hurtful to people who are close to you if you refuse to communicate.

Thats not what the OP was talking about. She was talking about specific circumstances saying that when she tries to talk to him about emotonal stuff, he clams up. Then she goes off on one at him and what does he do? Keep clamming up. You cant explain the neverending downward spiral to someone who doesnt listen to you.

Moss wrote:

I stand by my original point the communication is critical in a relationship and if one person isn't talking you're going nowhere.

Typically I would agree, but then see point re my best mate. I also have another friend that says little but we understand eachother. Communication is useless if there is no understanding. Sometimes you can repeat yourself till you are blue in the face and the person you are speaking to just wont get it. What was the point in talking to them?

Moss wrote:

Most people would want to fill awkward silences when they go on beyond a certain point. Thats perfectly understandable. You wait, give them the person a bit of time to initiate conversation or respond to what you said and if nothing happens you try again.

People who like to hear the sound of their own voice and who base the time lapse on their own expectations do. Those interested in listening to the persons response give them as much time as they like. The OP's BF could be at the stage of "whats the point in me speaking because she is going to cut across me or ignore what it is I have to say".

She has obviously tried talking to him, hasn't worked as well as she would like .

Theres the nub. As SHE would like. What about what HE would like?

K-

Moss

Kell, I try and clear this up. I don't know if we are talking about the same thing. I read the OP's post as saying her boyfriend doesn't talk, as in not just some specific circumstances, but that she is really feeling hurt by the fact that he is not communicating with her in general. She has tried to get him to open up but hasn't had much success.

Kell wrote:

You're very welcome. I know my best mate 18years this year. At your age, I was still giving out about him being deafeningly quiet. He happens to be the best bloke you could meet and can teach you all about the meaning of respect. Acceptance taught me this.

I understand the point you're making. I know a guy just like that as well. Someone who doesn't talk can be the best guy in the world at heart. My point is that if someone is not talking, there is an issue, e.g. low self-esteem, and those close to them can really feel hurt and lonely because this this person is not communicating.

As for the awkward silence it really does depend on how long they go on. If your sitting there and getting nothing back, and I don't mean five seconds, but lets say several minutes, then its natural to want to break the silence, unless you want to become a monk or something. People enjoy conversations.

One can accept that some people are quite/not great talkers. Its very different between guys. When your in a relationship you want your partner to talk to you. Guys can sit in a room together, say very little and understand whats going on but girls often just don't get that. Girls in a relationship want their partner to talk to them, at least within reason [I'm assuming the OP is reasonable]. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I think the OP should talk to her boyfriend about all the above and listen to what he has to say. Its possible he may never be a great conversationist and the OP will have to decide if she can live with that.

little miss

This could almost be me any my ex! We're also working through things. My advice - he'll talk when he wants to or if there's anything to say. I used to try and force the matter. Still do sometimes. It never works.

azezil

You just need to shut the hell up and let him speak, if he wants to be with you he'll eventually say something, stop badgering him, you'll only drive him away.

SarahSassy

1. He is your ex - an ex is an ex for a reason. If you dont like him the way he is why do you want to get back with him - to try to change him?????
2. Surely if he wanted to get back with you he would be approaching you and talking to you to get back together.

How did you finish??? Were you giving out to him so much he had enough and finished it or did you finish with him cos you got so frustrated with him for not talking about issues??

I feel and could be wrong that you are doing all the work here and its seems like a lot of work.

If i were you I would let him off and find someone who is not emotionally unavailable..... You are probably the only one whose head is wrecked about this. There is nothing wrong with men who are quiet and /or dont talk about their emotions once it works with their partner. Its obvious here that you are not compatible in that area.