Dont know what to believe

LegacyUser

So here's my story, with my guy 6 years now, I love him dearly. We moved in together about 10 months ago after a rough patch where we lived at opposite ends of the coutnry and found it hard to see each other. I did have my sucpicions he was cheating on me but after a good talk things weemed to be fine. THe girl i suspected him cheating on me with went travelling for a year and recently came back, they are working together. He told me before she came back i had nothing to worry about and i was fine. I hated the fact that he was working with her but for the moment i had to put up with it. He did say he would get another job but that thought seems to have disappeared.

Anyway the last couple of days hes been wierd with his phone being very careful not to leave it around in front of me, and last night when i was going to bed he was in the shower he asked me to get something out of the living room and i noticed his phone was gone so i scanned the room. No phone, so i went into the bedroom i was looking for my pjs n i picked up his pants n here was the phone in his pocket. His suspicious behaviour made me curious so i looked at the messages low and behold heres one from her calling him babes. i confrontd him and he just went off on one telling me i should trust him, but how can i when i was under the illusion that he had cut ties with her he'd told me he wasnt speaking to her yet theres a text from her. His defense was "i cant control what other people do".

So now I'm thinking back over everything of the last few weeks analyzing different things that went on.
We are living together and I put down the deposit for the apartment if we break that I loose 900€ theres also the fact that I cant just move out because I moved to him and because of my job I really dont know anyone.

I just dont know what to do. No idea where to go, do i trust him again or more like can i trust him. i love him to bits but that can only go so far. I just feel numb, I didnt think he of all people would cheat but who knows. And i do not want to end up letting this go only to find out a few months down the line he was cheating.

Any advice would be great - oh and please dont give me a lecture on invading privacy that is not the issue here, thanks x

Anti

I have had a few girlfriends do this to me too, and in his defence, hehonestly cant controll what someone else texts him. He may not be interested in her at all. But she could be very interested in him. It would seem to me he is protecting you by not showing you the texts and keeping his phone on him. I have done this before, even though i didnt send any texts in a flirting manner. I just knew that if herself found the phone she would go nuts.

Also the last girlfriend that looked through my phone and found a message from a girl interested in me, and went nuts over it got kicked out the door.

So becarefull what you say to him, he could be completly innocent. But then again he could be a right gee-bag and actually lobbing it into her.

boffin

Just wondering whether you posted before asking advice when you found out she was coming back home? Your issue sounds familiar

biko

Besides actively looking through his phone (yes, it is an issue here) I wonder why he would not just delete the texts? Can you recite the entire message? Was it like "I miss you babes xxx" or "See you tomorrow at work babes"?
I personally call/text Star, Pet, Hon etc to female friends all the time. Could be quite common.

Here how I see it from reading OP: You don't have any proof that he has cheated on you, now or before. Don't act on feelings, act on fact.
If you can find anything tangible then leave, otherwise give him the benefit of a doubt - you do love him after all, right?

cee_jay

Edit-double post

Anti

cAr0l wrote:

Edit-double post

Suuuuure

Cancer-chick

Didnt you post a while back about your fears about them working together

What advice do you want specifically ?

LegacyUser

'the text said "hows your day of going babes? you enjoying them?"

yeh that was me before ye lot have great memories.

Im not sure what advice i need i just feel confused, numb over all wierd. kinda want opinions on the situation

I know i dont have proof persay but do i wait till i have it and have my heart broken or do i protect myself. I never thought id be in this situation not with him.
how do you pull yourself out of the doubting and the suspicion!'

biko

Untrusting wrote:

how do you pull yourself out of the doubting and the suspicion!'

You need to confront him about your fears, as you have. However if you won't believe him then the trust is already gone it seems.
He then should make the effort to win you back by renouncing the other girl, which he might not if he thinks you're blowing this out of proportion.

Boston

Ok so lets go over the process.

You don't trust him and you never did, if you did trust him you wouldn't have been not only searching for his mobil then going through the txt messages. Having his phone on his person is not odd behaviour. He may or may not have done anything but you have definitely betrayed his trust in you.

You searched for a problem, and now you have a problem, big surprise. If anybody did to me what you did to him they would be gone.

Cancer-chick

Im with Boston

What the hell were you thinking going thru his phone ??
That is a total dealbreaker as far as im concerned.. I think one of the mods told you last time just to talk to him .. Why cant you do that .. You are'nt asking us advice from what i can see you are wallowing in your own insecurity and want us to back it up..

Well personally if i was your BF id kick you to the kerb because of your behaviour. If you wont give the man benefit of doubt and you wont talk to him instead of spying on him then really i dont see what you are doing except driving him back to her

PinkPrincess26

Cancer-chick wrote:

Im with Boston

What the hell were you thinking going thru his phone ??
That is a total dealbreaker as far as im concerned.. I think one of the mods told you last time just to talk to him .. Why cant you do that .. You are'nt asking us advice from what i can see you are wallowing in your own insecurity and want us to back it up..

Well personally if i was your BF id kick you to the kerb because of your behaviour. If you wont give the man benefit of doubt and you wont talk to him instead of spying on him then really i dont see what you are doing except driving him back to her

Relax a bit, the girl is only looking for advice.......

Once you loose trust for someone its really hard to get it back.... you start imaginen all sorts of things and driving yourself mad..... but use obviously have a strong relationship with your B/F or else you wouldnt have decided to move in together...

I do think snooping in his phone was a bad idea however I dont think that anyone should be dumped over it..... your boyfriend I think should be alittle bit more understandable here and maybe look at it from your point of view or maybe if you were the one getting txt msgs saying babe on them, how would he feel.....

You need to have a full proper talk and say everything you want to say or else your gonna drive yourself mad...


good luck and keep us posted as to how you get on....

Peewee_lane

It all comes down to a few facts that you havnt sat down with him and used the security of your relationship to talk to him about any insecurities you might have.

He's not going to blow up in your face, in fact my boyfriend felt quite flattered when I told him how insecure I was over his ex girlfriend who kept 'popping into the country' and from time to time univited. He felt flattered, while I had let it eat me up for a long time inside. At the end of the day, you need to tell yourself, well hes with me and not her, so its her problem.

If you think you need to talk to HER, remember, you are in the drivers seat. You must tell her that you dont appreciate her calling him babes, and you think she should back off and let you guys have some space. Some women (AND men) are absoulte monsters and will do anything without thinking of the consequences and the lives they are playing with after they go home from work.

I think your just scared of losing this guy. I dont think you've explored a deeper level to your relationship yet - trust.

Cancer-chick

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

Relax a bit, the girl is only looking for advice.......

Pink imo she made a mistake snooping and i dont see why she cannot just talk to him .. most people have been cheated on or have had suspicions but going thru his phone is wrong and only served to incense her more ..

Really she needs to talk to the man himself

Peewee_lane

Cancer-chick wrote:

Pink imo she made a mistake snooping QUOTE]

How are you meant to investigate then? Didn't Scooby Doo teach you anything! Ivestigate!!!!

PinkPrincess26

Cancer-chick wrote:

Pink imo she made a mistake snooping and i dont see why she cannot just talk to him .. most people have been cheated on or have had suspicions but going thru his phone is wrong and only served to incense her more ..

Really she needs to talk to the man himself

Ye as I said i dont agree with snooping... but your being a tad bit harsh on the girl, shes on ere looking for advise not for people to be rude to her...

And as for the rest of what you said in that post I agree, she does need to talk to him before things escalate more..

PinkPrincess26

Peewee_lane wrote:

Cancer-chick wrote:

Pink imo she made a mistake snooping QUOTE]

How are you meant to investigate then? Didn't Scooby Doo teach you anything! Ivestigate!!!!

She doesnt need to investigate anything, she need to discuss the situation with her boyfriend...

LegacyUser

'Thanks for that Peewee & Pink, I know i need to talk to him but to be quite honest i have no idea where to start, I tried last nite to explain things but he butted in before i finished n got all annoyed, by the time id finished what i was saying to him it didnt make a difference cos he'd got p*ssed off.

We're not on speaking terms today, i wrote my feelings down but i dunno if that will make a difference i feel like giving up today, its definitly one of those days where i want to curl up in a hole......'

Higgsy

I think everyone needs to chill out here a bit.

In the last few posts there seems to be a pattern of condeming Untrusting for looking at the phone. That is not the issue. That was not the purpose of the post.

She was asking for some differnt points of view not a b*ll*cking for reading through his phone.

Untrusting, if I where you I would make sure that I did not close any doors, make any rash moves, apologise for looking through the phone, explain what drove you to do it and after that, let him be. He has a responsibility here too, so dont take it on yourself to sort it out.

Higgs

Boston

Higgsy wrote:

I think everyone needs to chill out here a bit.

In the last few posts there seems to be a pattern of condeming Untrusting for looking at the phone. That is not the issue. That was not the purpose of the post.

Higgs

She's asking how to get thrust back, it's important she realise that she had none in the first place.

LegacyUser

'

Boston wrote:

She's asking how to get thrust back, it's important she realise that she had none in the first place.

Six years Boston thats how long we've with each other, trust has many different levels and I trusted him on every single one until he caused my trust to falter. That was a year ago with got through our issues until this it was his actions that sparked my suspicion, even if he went to the toilet his phone went with him, even when it was first thing in the morning straight out of bed.

I had plenty of trust in him it was his actions that broke it, and believe me i was never a suspicious type of person and i do not like it at all'

OLDYELLAR

I actually think hes being very insensitive.
Firstly though you really shouldnt of went through his phone that can only lead to bad things and give him leverage to turn things back on you and make you feel like the bad person here.

Why is it the idea of him moving job is gone ? He really shouldnt of said he`d do that if he had no intention of going through with it.

At the end of the day he cheated on you with this girl and should be trying to put as much distance betwen him and her as possible if he wants things to work with you , Id have to say the text sounds friendly like they are just friends but personally if my fella was friends with the one he cheated on me with eh well he wouldnt be my fella anymore.

6 years is a long time I know but gotta say when the trust is gone theres not much left , the fact that hes not even trying to distance himself from her worries me.
the whole phone on him at all times etc etc thing is just paranoia doesnt mean hes up to anything but I can see why you`d be worried , hes done it once already and by the looks of it there all pally pally again , you rooting through his phone may be the thing that pushes him to her again. Dont know why he couldnt see why you`d be freaking anyway . Good job you wrote it he sounds like he needs it spelling out to him.A mistake is a mistake but a few months ago this girl was a bitch etc etc according to your bf and now shes texting him as you would a friend , staying friends with her just adds insult to injury.

seamus

I did have my sucpicions he was cheating on me but after a good talk things weemed to be fine.

So you suspected him of cheating on you at that time, but now you're satisfied right? If you had a big talk about it, then you're now satisfied that he didn't cheat. Right?

To be honest, it sounds like you definitely need to sort your insecurity out. You went actively searching for his phone. It's not like you "happened" to notice that his phone wasn't in the living room. You looked for it. If you weren't looking for it, then you wouldn't have even bothered feeling around for it when you found his pants.

Someone keeping their phone on them all the time, I wouldn't consider weird. My phone spends 99% of its time in my pocket.

It looks like you got very concerned in the past about him being friendly with this girl and had a bit of a relationship crisis over it. Now he wants to remain friends with her, but at the same time doesn't want to needlessly worry you or otherwise have you constantly giving him grief about her.