flatmate hates my boyfriend for no good reason

LegacyUser

I've got this flatmate [aka Sandrine] who has been my good friend for years and we've also lived together for 2 years without serious insult. She has a longdistance boyfriend of 4 years and she's cheated on him aplenty. I've always found her very critical of my boyfriends, but they were losers so I found it somewhat justified. The problem is that my current boyfriend of a year [aka. Bob] is wonderful and I've never been happier... yet Sandrine wants him gone. This is messy enough as it is, so these are the main problems.

1: She insults Bob to my face every chance she gets.
She mocks him constantly because he isn't hugely talkative. We've tried to find common ground and at times it seemed to be settling, but then she flares up again and mocks me about my pathetic boyfriend. When he's around, she tenses up and gets very territorial of the whole apartment (which I own, she's renting from me) and it's gotten to the point where Bob won't come to my home anymore if she's around, which she is. Alot. I understand where he's coming from entirely. Even I'm avoiding her now cause I can't stand how happy she is when Bob and I are miles apart.


2: The holiday.
A few months ago, I agreed to go on holiday with her this Summer. However, with all the fights she's had with her boyfriend, the trip has suddenly turned into a slut rampage. I tell her I'm not going to cheat and she counters with 'Oh, you will.'. I dread the situations I'm going to end up in and the whole idea makes me sick.


3: What normal people would do.
I would love nothing better than to be able to sit down and tell her that she's got serious relationship problems and seeing me in a more pleasant relationship is making her jealous. That's one of the reaons she wants to drive away Bob. The other being that I'm not always around to hear about her latest fight with the boyfriend or whatever drama. She'd have no problem cutting all the happiness out of my life if it meant that I was always there to listen to her.
If I told her all this or even just that I don't want to go on the holiday, she'd freak out and start guilt-tripping me about all the problems she's had and how unsympathetic I'm being. I think the friendship would disintegrate and even though she might try, living together would be a disaster.


I lost another close friend this year who had issues with Sandrine, but she wanted me to kick Sandrine out and take her in - I didn't agree to it and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't know if I could go through that melodrama again just to end up more alone. That said, she is making my home life hell and there are financial pros to renting the room at full price, not to mention the chance to get to know somebody new, older and perhaps a little bit more mature.

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm going to get besides 'kick her out' or 'you're over-reacting'. I just don't know what to do.

tinkerbell

Well, in answer to your last statement - I would suggest that you do kick her out but you are not over-reacting. She sounds like a sad pathetic little person who's just squeezing the life out of you. Why should you not have YOUR boyfriend in YOUR home whenever YOU want? SHE gets territorial of YOUR property?! Wtf is her problem.

Seriously, she is a dumbass, tell her to move out that you can't take it anymore. If any of my friends said any of those things to me, I would have kicked them out a long time ago and read the riot act. There is no way I would put up with that **** from anyone. And the whole wanting you to cheat thing? She is such a loser. I pity her boyfriend to be honest.

Good luck coz it sounds like you're gonna need it!

jellie

She doesnt sound like a good friend to me. While i would be reluctant to say anything bad about a friends boyfriend, if i felt strongly about it or thought it was important, maybe i would. But i would leave it at that. The constant insulting of your bf, particularly to his face is completely disrespectful. why should your bf feel uncomfortable visiting you in your own home?

As for the holiday, it sounds like even if you go you will end up having a huge argument and a miserable time. are you supposed to share a room? could make for some disturbing nights..

Do you have any sort of legal arrangement set up with her about the living situation? Just wondering in case you wanted to go down the line of asking her to move out. Not that im advising you to do that, but it might be an option to consider. You shouldnt have to be miserable in your own home.

LegacyUser

she probly doesnt like any of your boyf's as she shes them as competition for your attention. probly not in a sexual way just generally. Its weird I drive to galway from dublin with my best mate and girlfriend snipin & bitchin at each other the whole way...I always thought they got on but other friends have since told me its like they fight for my attention, i hadnt noticed till now.

LegacyUser

Your friend is a territorial lesbian. I recommend you weigh up how important your boyfriend is to you and make a decision...

And remember, you can't marry your best friend...so my point is, tell your friend to back the **** down or else your boy friend may get fed up and dump you.

LegacyUser

if i were you id have that bitchs belongings in blacks bin bags outside the front door and have the locks changed.this is just an option but it is what i would do.best of luck.

WindSock

Honestly, after what you have typed here why do you not want to hear people advising you to tell her to leave? By the sounds of things she is not a friend. You lost another friend over this before, why give the bitch you live with preferance? People like this are not worth having around. As said before in a previous post, they sap the life and happiness out of you.

PeakOutput

while i most of the time i would say that friends tend to see partners without the rose tinted glasses you do in this particular case(ie bringing it up whenever she can) she jsut sounds like a bitch....kick her to the curb and start again...preferably with that mate you dont speak to anymore as she clearly saw your flatmate for who she was and ended up being right

King of Kings

unregandupset wrote:

the trip has suddenly turned into a slut rampage.

when . where?

Nevyn

King of Kings, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

daRobot

Why would you even reason with this behaviour?

Tell her to move out and cut ties with her.Destructive people like this aren't worth having in your life.

jellie

theBIGMAC wrote:

she probly doesnt like any of your boyf's as she shes them as competition for your attention. probly not in a sexual way just generally. Its weird I drive to galway from dublin with my best mate and girlfriend snipin & bitchin at each other the whole way...I always thought they got on but other friends have since told me its like they fight for my attention, i hadnt noticed till now.

Thats a good point. I always feel like my bfs friend hates me (maybe he does..), hes not very nice to me while i always go out of my way to be friendly with him. My bf says dont mind him, hes just jealous, which does kind of make sense.

But to be honest, even if shes jealous, her behaviour is still out of order.

Wibbs

unregandupset wrote:

1: She insults Bob to my face every chance she gets.

Straight away this is not behaviour to be tolerated. Full stop. End of.

but then she flares up again and mocks me about my pathetic boyfriend.

Obviously issues aplenty here.

When he's around, she tenses up and gets very territorial of the whole apartment (which I own, she's renting from me)

Sounds like an exes cocker spaniel I once had to deal with. Garbbing him by the scruff of the neck sorted that one out, but sadly not directly applicable in this case. Then again, that was about setting boundaries. You need to do this or she will walk all over you.

and it's gotten to the point where Bob won't come to my home anymore if she's around, which she is. Alot.

Both Bob and you need to be setting the boundaries IMHO. He needs to walk in and establish some dominance over the situation. This is a píssing competition with you in the middle. Sod that. I've been in an eerily similar situation some years back. I had to sit the woman in question down and explain that I was going to be coming to the house and her acting all aggressive was hardly going to do a damn thing to dissuade me(this was after a long time trying to be "nice" about it for the then girlfriends sake). It worked. Some people just need a mental slap. Sadly with my example the woman in question turned physically violent with my ex. Naturally this was when I wasn't around. Typical cowardly behaviour for a bully. That was the end for me. In the end I stood over her while she packed her bags. Funny though she didn't try to get "physical" with me. I wonder why?

Even I'm avoiding her now cause I can't stand how happy she is when Bob and I are miles apart.

Right. Tell her you will kick her arse out if she doesn't grow up and cop on. That's ridiculous. This is schoolyard bullying shít. She's a bully. Chances are she won't cop on so I would suggest you and Bob sit her down some day and tell her in plain english, it's your way or the highway.

2: The holiday.
A few months ago, I agreed to go on holiday with her this Summer. However, with all the fights she's had with her boyfriend, the trip has suddenly turned into a slut rampage. I tell her I'm not going to cheat and she counters with 'Oh, you will.'. I dread the situations I'm going to end up in and the whole idea makes me sick.

Don't go on the holiday. Why pay good money to be miserable.

If I told her all this or even just that I don't want to go on the holiday, she'd freak out and start guilt-tripping me about all the problems she's had and how unsympathetic I'm being.

Again bullying behaviour. Don't stand for it.

I think the friendship would disintegrate and even though she might try,

It is not a friendship as is. You have little to lose and much to gain by getting shot of her.

living together would be a disaster.

Would be? I think we've crossed the rubicon here into it is a disaster.

I don't know if I could go through that melodrama again just to end up more alone.

You would rather be in an abusive situation than not? Honestly?

That said, she is making my home life hell and there are financial pros to renting the room at full price, not to mention the chance to get to know somebody new, older and perhaps a little bit more mature.

You have answered your own question there.

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm going to get besides 'kick her out' or 'you're over-reacting'. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not one for kneejerk reactions but those suggestions make pretty good sense if you or Bob are not forthright and strong enough to make her deal with your relationship.

LegacyUser

'I don't honestly think that continuing to live with this woman is going to be possible. This woman is destructive both to herself and to you, and no doubt you've already told her to lay off to no avail, so trying to reason with her seems rather futile. If someone acts in the way you've described them they've got themselves a problem; it's extremely selfish and uncaring behaviour, which is more than likely rooted in some much deeper problems, so it's not something that you or anyone else is going to be able to fix.

Also, you have to realise that she wants to break the two of you up and will use her position as your roommate to do that. Even if you did somehow manage to get her to be civil, every time the two of you have a fight she's going to be pushing you to see things her way, she'll paint a picture where you've been wronged terribly where in reality it might have been a simple misunderstanding. The worst thing is that you're feeling upset at the time that you might be inclined to believe it, even if it's something that you'd dismiss entirely if you were looking at it with a clear head later on. You don't need someone around who's aim is to slowly chip away at your relationship. Yeah, this guy might be wrong for you and you might break up down the line, but that's nothing to do with her. And besides, you're obviously unhappy with the way things are, getting rid of her sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction given what you've said here.'

daithimac

You sound like a very nice person who trys to avoid conflict at every possible chance. she on the other hand seems to be a total bitch who thrives on conflict. I'm sure her life is full of melodrama which usually of her own making. she also sounds like a total sponge. You say she is not paying a full rate of rent, let me guess, the amount of rent you do ask for she is usually late with or does not even pay fobbing you off with some lame story. she's realized that with you she is on to a good thing. she has someone who she can tell all her stories and so boost her self esteem, she has someone to walk over when she is feeling bad, she has someone to mooch off when funds are tight and she has someone to create more drama with if she gets bored and best of all they don't seem willing to defend them selfs or what they have and so are an easy target.

The thing is with people like this is that this is who she is. You can't blame her for it, it would be like blaming the sea for drowning someone, its just who she is. No the only person you can blame when this person wrecks your life is yourself for being so god damn tolerant of them and being there doormat for so long. Some of the best advice I received was that when you are in a tight spot its best not to look around and see what it is you would like to change around you but rather look around and see what you can change about your self to make things better.

you seem reluctant to throw this biach out on the street and that is understandable especially as how I'm sure she has become such a dominant fixture in your life. but that she has become such as dominant fixture in your life is the reason you should kick her out, just as everyone who has read your story has told you. The fact that you thought that some people would tell you that you were overreacting says allot about how much you have been conditioned in this situation by her,

However if you do not wish to kick her out just yet then may I recommend that you at least try a policy of zero tolerance with her. that means that when she starts bad mouthing your boyfriend tell her to shut the fuch up and when she responds that "she's only saying..." again tell her to shut the Fuch up and keep telling her to shut the fuch up until she has changed the subject. Tell her your not going on the holiday and when she starts whining on about different ask her did you stutter your not going on the trip. basically stop being her doormat for a while. Either she will begin to respect you as a person which she does not do now or she will realize that there is no money or emotions left to sponge off you and move on to some other poor unfortunate soul who will eventually have to do what you are doing. Either way you are a winner

I wish you the best of luck with this. you will need it. Your going to have to be a lot stronger and there are times when the path of least resistance will seem oh so appealing but please stay strong for your own sake. let us know how you get on.

Sinfonia

Unbelievable.
She sounds really awful.
You don't seem to want to get rid of her because she's your friend, but she has no respect for you, she doesn't act like a friend. Cut the cord.

chump

You need to kick her to the curb. You obviously share similar traits to your boyf in that you can't stand up for yourself.

1: She insults Bob to my face every chance she gets.
2: The holiday.

You're letting her walk all over you. She is dominating you.

Tchocky

From the OP - she sounds like the Devil, you're a Saint.

Eh.... *mistrusts*

You don't need her in the same house if she'll carry on like that.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the replies. I know I avoid conflict like the plague and if I can make personal sacrifices to keep the peace, I usually do. Resentments build up and it all goes to hell. I've got a big part to play in the way things have turned out.

There's no way I'm going on that holiday and I've decided not to invite her back next year. It's not gonna be pretty, but I think it's for the best.'

Slow Motion

unregandupset wrote:

'Thanks for all the replies. I know I avoid conflict like the plague and if I can make personal sacrifices to keep the peace, I usually do. Resentments build up and it all goes to hell. I've got a big part to play in the way things have turned out.

There's no way I'm going on that holiday and I've decided not to invite her back next year. It's not gonna be pretty, but I think it's for the best.'

You're moving in the right direction here, but I think you still need to put you foot down on the other issues you mentioned, also I think you might encourage Bob to stand up for himself the next time she insults him, if he doesn't react she will feel free to continue.

matt-dublin

sounds like your friend is either jelous of your boyfriend for the time you're spending with him or she's either jelous of you and wants to pork your boyfriend.

Tell her to cop on.

Marksie

unregandupset wrote:

1: She insults Bob to my face every chance she gets.
She mocks him constantly because he isn't hugely talkative. We've tried to find common ground and at times it seemed to be settling, but then she flares up again and mocks me about my pathetic boyfriend. .

Jealous of your happinness to be honest.

unregandupset wrote:

When he's around, she tenses up and gets very territorial of the whole apartment (which I own, she's renting from me) and it's gotten to the point where Bob won't come to my home anymore if she's around, which she is. Alot. ..

Its your apartment in the end. You can always get new flatmates

unregandupset wrote:

I understand where he's coming from entirely. Even I'm avoiding her now cause I can't stand how happy she is when Bob and I are miles apart..

I am sure she is, she is a leech

unregandupset wrote:

2: The holiday.
A few months ago, I agreed to go on holiday with her this Summer. However, with all the fights she's had with her boyfriend, the trip has suddenly turned into a slut rampage. I tell her I'm not going to cheat and she counters with 'Oh, you will.'. I dread the situations I'm going to end up in and the whole idea makes me sick...

Cancel it, dont offer to pay her oney back, just cancel it and tell her why.

unregandupset wrote:

3: What normal people would do.
I would love nothing better than to be able to sit down and tell her that she's got serious relationship problems and seeing me in a more pleasant relationship is making her jealous. That's one of the reaons she wants to drive away Bob. The other being that I'm not always around to hear about her latest fight with the boyfriend or whatever drama. She'd have no problem cutting all the happiness out of my life if it meant that I was always there to listen to her.
If I told her all this or even just that I don't want to go on the holiday, she'd freak out and start guilt-tripping me about all the problems she's had and how unsympathetic I'm being. I think the friendship would disintegrate and even though she might try, living together would be a disaster....

Tough, in this instance it isnt a friendship, the sooner you realise this the better.
Gulit tripping, her problems are there to be sorted by herself, not weilded as a weapon to control people.
I am all for supporting but this will be used again and again to get what she wants.

unregandupset wrote:

lost another close friend this year who had issues with Sandrine, but she wanted me to kick Sandrine out and take her in - I didn't agree to it and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't know if I could go through that melodrama again just to end up more alone. That said, she is making my home life hell and there are financial pros to renting the room at full price, not to mention the chance to get to know somebody new, older and perhaps a little bit more mature....

So sandrine is getting theh room cheap as well. She has seen you coming really.
you let go of the wrong friend there!


I

unregandupset wrote:

don't really know what kind of advice I'm going to get besides 'kick her out' or 'you're over-reacting'. I just don't know what to do.

Bottom line, call bob around for support, let him be there with you.
No discussion no, we will see, give her notice. Friendship over. Youa er being USED.

The fact she is living there makes it more difficult and i would be tempted to honestly change the locks in case she has a hissy fit or decides to really go to town.

azezil

I went tru similar recently, ended up dumping the friend because on reflection, he was a twat, I realised I was only hanging around with him out of sympathy because noone else can stand him, and he took advantage of that, he often tried to guilt trip me into being his friend... I just cut off all contact, granted I didn't live with the guy so it was easier that way, I didn't have to see him.

I'd suggest at the very least sitting her down, explaining how you feel and if things don't change, show her to the door.

Miss Fluff

unregandupset wrote:

I've got this flatmate [aka Sandrine] who has been my good friend for years

She doesn't sound like any kind of "friend" at all. Sometimes you have to just cut people out of your life, sad but true....

rannerap

maybe she likes him and is just being mean about him to cover it up?

Jesus Wept

It sounds like an easy solution to me, get rid of her, why would you continue to live with someone like that.

chris_oc

misery loves company..if you dont wanna kick her out flat on her face then you should let her make the choice,either get the F*** out of ur house pronto OR live by ur rules,ie. no whining about her boyfriend troubles, no making fun of ur boyfriend. you should tell her as it is and it wouldnt hurt ta let her no that u already lost a friend over her and that ur definatly not gonna lose another one over her..best of luck

oh ya,ever think that she mite know somethin about him,ie somethin bad,like maybe she saw him of with some other one no?

Son Goku

Whiney, insulting people with impossible to figure out personal neuroses are nothing but a complete waste of time. Like you, I've fooled myself into being nice to these people. No matter how much you might cringe about it now, confronting them/cutting off contact is really worth it in the end.

I went tru similar recently, ended up dumping the friend because on reflection, he was a twat, I realised I was only hanging around with him out of sympathy because noone else can stand him, and he took advantage of that, he often tried to guilt trip me into being his friend... I just cut off all contact, granted I didn't live with the guy so it was easier that way, I didn't have to see him.

I'd suggest at the very least sitting her down, explaining how you feel and if things don't change, show her to the door.

QFT.