relationship problems

LegacyUser

Hey all,
Im posting looking for advice on my relationship with my girlfriend.

I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now,
I met her through work(which i have now left), Shes great looking and has a brilliant personality.
Unfortunately things have been tough for the last few months.

Im a sociable fella, a student who enjoys socialising hanging out with my mates and just having a good time. With her working nearly every weekend she doesnt really accompany on these nites out often. She only has 1 good friend who is away at university a few hours away

About 2 months ago i realised that things were taking thier toll. A fall out with her friend had left her ringing me more and more often. constant texting and getting upset if i couldnt see her really began pissing me off. This ended with me one nite when we were out breaking up with her. It was very hard but i thought it was for the best.
I got back together with her a week later as i missed her so much. But it looks like things are going back the way it was except magnified as she now thinks im going to break up with her and is kinda paranoid.

Things are no better then before with her friends situation, and i cant help feel if things are bad with us she has no-one to comfort her.

Im asking for advice as to what you all think i should do.
or even tips to help her make some friends.

Kell

The answer, as always, is a simple one. If you dont have the resources for two people (which you have said you dont), dump her and move on to someone who is independant and not in need of an emotional crutch.

K-

LegacyUser

'you might be right but id like to resolve this without breaking up with her.

things have been tough for her and i don't think i could bring myself to dump her .'

~nop~

Why does she have no other friends? Maybe you could encourage her to get out more, join clubs, all the usual social stuff.

It's impossibly hard for you to be the only person in her life, and I don't know many people at all that could cope with that

Oryx

She sounds like she really needs friends at the moment, and its great that she has you. Just dont become her crutch. You can help her, but you cant change her, she has to do that herself. All you can do is suggest ideas to broaden her circle, and be supportive.

SarahSassy

problem_Child wrote:

'things have been tough for her and i don't think i could bring myself to dump her .'

Its not a good reason to stay with her.....

LegacyUser

I know its not a good reason to stay with her.

When it comes to friends i try to encourage her but i think shes resigned herself to only having 1 or 2 friends. She comes out with me and my friends but when it comes down to it i think shes see's them more as aquaintances rather then friends.

SarahSassy

But are you staying with her cos you love her or feel sorry for her?

LegacyUser

I love her. her behaviour is driving me mad though.

~nop~

Maybe it's a self-esteem issue. You say she's good looking with a great personality yet doesn't have any friends, it really doesn't add up.

You could try and boost her confidence, when you're out with your friends get a few drinks on her, anything to make her more outgoing I suppose.

Personally I couldn't cope with what you're describing, especially as early on as you guys are having that much importance would put the relationship under a hell of a lot of pressure, but its your choice at the end of the day, and how much you can take of it.

little miss

I can totally understand why you are feeling frustrated. Have you tried talking to her about this? Explain its making you feel claustrophobic whilst reassuring her you're saying this to make your relationship stronger, not because you don't want to spend time with her. Maybe suggest she joins a club or society? You could even do something as a couple, and meet other couples? Some sport maybe, like tag rugby or netball - they have mixed teams in a lot of clubs. Or encourage her to go on her own to something that only she finds interesting? Its a deal breaker for you. Explain this to her - a healthy relationship means that you can give each other space too. Good luck!

Skiesonfire19

The best way to keep a girl close to you in a relationship is to treat her like you would teat your friends. That's how I treat my lady and we're fine, together 2 years, and i'm only 19.

Skies

Kell

Problem_child wrote:

I know its not a good reason to stay with her.

Well then dont. TRUST ME. You WILL end up resenting her and the drain she is on your life. It will turn to complete and utter shíte. YOU shouldnt be making the effort for two people.

Its been 8 months. Why make it 18 months, 24 months ad nauseum when you are just not happy where you are?

You've already said she drives you up the wall. What the hell are you staying with someone like that for when there are billions of women who wont.

K-

Marksie

problem_Child wrote:

'you might be right but id like to resolve this without breaking up with her.

things have been tough for her and i don't think i could bring myself to dump her .'

To some extent it's commendable that you have stuck with her, but it is taking its toll and you are now getting more and more frustrated and irritated and as kell said you will end up in a real hate and resentment situation. Feeling trapped because you see yourself as her only support and succour.

IN relationships it is important that such support is there, when needed, but not all the time.

Given that you want to try and resolve this without breaking with her we will try to explore that avenue. But it is worth noting that in the end you may have to make the break, for your own sanity of nothing else.

The general gist of replies is that you have been an emotional crutch rather than a partner.
The onus is not on you to do something about this situation it is on your girlfriend. It would be fine if she was happy being solitary but she isn't. Sjhe needs to develop an acitvity or any interest she has which will get her absorbed and interested and indeed meeting other people. You know her interests, likes and dislikes we don't

All you can do at the moment is sit her down and talk about this openly, calmly and reasaonable, telling her how you feel. But avoiding getting her defensive.
But in the end she is the one who has to do something, all you can do is supply the impetus and some encouragement.
So the first step is to talk to her and highlight what you have told us here.

LegacyUser

i have been with my girlfriend for almort 18 months and i love her so much however i know her problem is self esteem related, while i am no party animal i do like to enjoy a few evenings out. again she's welcome along with me and my friends however i also feel she views tham as aqquaintances not her own friends and occasionally as everyone likes a nite out on their own i sometimes head out with my friends alone. on these occasions she'll say its fine and then get into a bad mood supposedly over something else which usually means that i am forced to spend my nite out checking my fone feverishly every ten minutes to make sure she doesn't feel i'm ignoring her 'problem'.
i have often told her how mch it would be lovely to see her out with her friends enjoying herself while i sat at home for once but she has a very small handful of friends who always seem to let her down making her self esteem even worse and encouraging her to do more social things to make new friends has been tried and failed. so problem child i can understand and sympathise completely what you do in this situation will be decided by you when you get to breaking point it'll be too much and you'll leave or like me you'll love her and suffer thru the nights out and love every other second you two spend together but no one else can make the choice for you and neither decision is wrong or bad. at the end of the day yo only live once and as much as we have to take other peoples feelings, needs and wants into consideration we have to live our own lives. i hope that no matter what you decide to do you'll realise that it is whats right for you and that you're not alone

Kell

true lady wrote:

at the end of the day yo only live once and as much as we have to take other peoples feelings, needs and wants into consideration we have to live our own lives.

Your GF isnt the only one with esteem issues mate. If you said that to a therapist they would help you see how you are talking out your árse.

true lady wrote:

on these occasions she'll say its fine and then get into a bad mood supposedly over something else which usually means that i am forced to spend my nite out checking my fone feverishly every ten minutes to make sure she doesn't feel i'm ignoring her 'problem'.

Thus you are actually helping her propagate her own poor self image by aknowledging she may have a point. She gets into a mood so you will feed her attention. And you cant see this or you are putting the martyrs hat on and thinking you are doing good? You're not.

People who are attention whores who need to be fed attention and cant differentiate between good and bad attention, NEED to be dumped and told why. Otherwise they'll never do anything to improve their lot and continue to be a drain on the poor fúcker that puts up with them.

See-

Him "Honey. I am leaving you because you are a clingy attention whore who never stops annoying me when I am out".

Her- "But, what did I do?"

Him- "Which part of my last sentence did you not get".

She'll be in shíte for a while but a light might eventually go on over her head and she will figure out that if she stops being a clingy, needy attention seeking muppet, she might just be able to have a fully meaningful relationship.

Look- people will never snap out of bad, destructive habits if they keep having someone around that will wrap them up in cotton wool and put up with their shíte. Children dont learn good manners by having adults accept poor behaviour do they? Same applies.

K-

kenzie

Kell wrote:

Your GF isnt the only one with esteem issues mate. If you said that to a therapist they would help you see how you are talking out your árse.

What?! Maybe i'm taking it up wrong but is he not right in saying that life is too short to be in a relationship where your not completely happy?

Kell

kenzie wrote:

What?! Maybe i'm taking it up wrong but is he not right in saying that life is too short to be in a relationship where your not completely happy?

Correction- you are right. I mis read his post*. However, he has still chosen to be in a bad relationship. Thats smells of poor esteem.

K-

*Thats a first?!?!