foster son(tragedy)

qiper

14-02-2007

it’s time to share our family tragedy with you...
Maybe somebody will be able to help with an advise or a phone number or anything at all...
Here is the situation from the very beginning.
4,5 years ago a woman (my wife's cousin) came to Ireland from Israel.
It happened that she had beaten her son, so the boy was taken away from her according to the Irish Law. Then they rang us and asked if we wanted to visit the boy in the hospital. Of course we said "Yes". When we came to the hospital, we found out that the child wooldn't be returning to his mother, but the social service would be looking for a foster family for him. the woman would be departured from the country on the basis of her own will.
obviously, we started doing something, and in a few days the boy was staying with us, only for a "short-term"... But in a while we got a court decision for a long-term fostering.
at the time the boy was 10 years old. a few months later he asked if he could call us not by our names but "Mum" and "Dad"... Oh, how happy we were!... we can't have our own biological children for medical reasons, and at that time we were already in our 30-s ourselves...

So everyday life started... we had our ups and down - we were a family.
Out of the blue, last month we were informed that a new social worker has been appointed to supervise our son, and that he would be visiting us shortly...

the social worker came to talk to our son. talked to him for 20 minutes, then said to us : "I think the child isn't happy in your family. he doesn't smile and that's a bad sign, because a child should smile".

By the way, our son can have fun but for a reason. The boy says only stupid people are smiling constantly. he tried to explain this to the social worker but the man didn't change his opinion on the issue.

A week later social worker retuned to declare that he was taking our son to the camp for the kids from foster families. We resisted: how can this be possible? During his school year, the exams are coming...
in answere to this we were told that we were nobody, and it was down to the social service to decide what to do.

We decided not to argue, and told our son that this had to be done, so he went to the camp.
they left. An hour later we got a phone call: "Mum, i'm ready to get into a fight with the man, he keeps trying to persuade me that i'm getting beaten at home, and im unhappy at home".

the social worker got all this out of the fact that just before Christmas our son was running downstairs to greet his friends who were waiting for him downstairs, he tripped over and fell on the stairs and got a bruise as a result of that fall.

Somebody at school saw the bruise and told the teacher, and so it went on (well, that's waht we think).
So, while they were in the car the social worker started asking questions about the bruise. When our son replied it was from the fall on the stairs, the man said he didn't believe him.

The day when we expected our son to be back home (Thursday), we got a phone call from the social worker who told us he wanted to see us in his office on Friday. Untill then dont be ringing the boy, he is in the safety place.
Stright away, in 10 minutes, our son rang from his mobile phone: "Mum, take me home. They placed me in some house, i don't know what is happening. I was told i wont be back to you, and on Friday you'll be signing the papers that your abandoning me..." (roaring crying, of course).

We were shocked. Telling him we'd never do that, don't believe anyone.
Arrived on Friday, and they said to us: "The boy accusing you in beating him...
No official proof, no medical statement... Only their words.
came out of the meeting and got a call from the son:"Are they crazy?! I never said anything like this! Get me out of here."

Well, we were told that the instruction is to get the child out of the family first and then to invistigate...

The son is crying, the wife can't eat, upset all the time.
We were promised a meeting with our son today but then they changed it for Tuesday. Today they rang us and said they need to check something, they'll ring on Wednesday then and will tell us a new day for our meeting.
Meanwhile, i rang the Israeli Council (we are citizens of Israel). The Council in his turn rand our son and saw as well that the boy wanted to be back home
The council contacted social services but they refused to give any information. He cant do anything, only ask for a meeting with the boy.

I went to the police to inquire what to do. they said there's nothing i can do. It's a child, nobody will be asking what he wants. They'll just put him wherever they want.

So we are sitting at home all day long waiting on the calls on the house phone (they refuse to ring our mobile phones)

Where to go? What to do? No idea.
Got an appointment with a Family lower for next Monday.
We are all in tears, lost and frightened...
How is it possible to take a child out of his family?...

original here

qiper

sorry,so hard to explain,i'l ask friend to translate


translation of the result of the meeting 15.02.07 original here

Today went with Igor' to the meeting with the Social service workers (Healthboard). The conversation was long and hard. Sometimes we were getting an impression that we were speaking to an answering machine that was repeatedly playing the same tape.

According to their words, Heathboard has an authority to take a child away without giving any official statement to the parents.
Because the Healthboard is looking after the child as his official guardian, they are able to take any decisions for the child.
I am not sure, if that's true, so going to check it. i aslo asked how many people made the decision to take the boy out of the family. They said 4, based on the statements of the social worker and relying on the boy's words as well. Their final decision will be given only after they finish their investigation.

The investigation is going to find out the following.
According to the social services, the boy said at the presence of two social workers that he had been beaten on the head, the foster parents had not been talking to him for weeks, and he had been called out of his room only to meals.
The boy also asked them not to send him back home and not to force him to see his parents again.

To the parents the boy keeps saying that he is missing them very much and wants to be back home and asking them not to leave him, and says that he's been pressurised.

In answer to the question, how they are going to investigate everything if they don't allow phone the boy at the presence of his parents and the social workers themselves to clarify the situation, they simply say that they "will be investigating". Though it is hard to understand how exactly they're going to do that without phoning if, according to their own words, the boy is saying one thing to the parents and another - to the social services...

Obviously, on one hand, due to the psycological trauma and stress, an abused child would never confess and confirm the abuse in front of the abusers.
But it's strange that they won't let an independant person to ring the boy to ask the boy all the questions.
They say he already has confirmed evrything to 2 witnesses, and there is no need to put the boy through more stress.
According to their words, not only the boy refuses to meet the parents but he doesn't want to sign his words about beatings either.
I understand that the fear after abuse can be too much to make a victim to meet the abusers, but the fact that a 14-year-old boy wouldn't sign his own words looks a bit odd.

Overall, an attempt to get any precise details of the situation wasn't successful this time.
Asked if they wanted to ring Igor's referee's (Igor has enough of those ones), they said "Maybe" and made copies.
Asked if a psycologist is going to be involved to find out why the boy is contradicting himself, again got "Maybe"...
The only positive fact is that the Ambassador of Israel in Ireland rang and confirmed that the boy said he wanted to go back home.

Generally, without seeing the child, it's hard to say what is really going on.
Maybe on the spur of the moment he dropped something in anger while talking to the social workers, and now they are just blindly following the instructions, and trying to "investigate" even if the boy has forgotten his insult and wants to go back home. It's not too bad if that's what it is indeed. But if he is really saying one thing to his parents and different to the social services, then don't think there gonna be any good news shortly.

The impression after the conversation was very dimmed and unclear. Maybe it's really that the boy is just acting this way to establish himself.You know, teenagers are a different type of people. only the parents, who beat their kids and dont speak to them for weeks, hardly going to worry that much and do everything possible to fight for him.
As far as i know Igor is meeting Frank from "Prime Time" tomorrow. If he gets interested he might try to arrange to talk to the boy or even give some publicity to the case.

Meanwhile, all who believe can say a prayer for the boy and his family hoping that it will be all resolved soon with a happy ending.

qiper

my letters was trasferd from one to another one,like boomerang:((
this letter our son give us in the miting today



12/04/07

The meeting with the child was tearful….

My wife and I were there, and also his grandparents who’d come from Israel. Also, there were two social workers, two team leaders, two translators (to Russian and Hebrew) and a secretary there.

We were made to understand that they don’t care what the boy says, because they act on instruction. That instruction states that only a psychologist can decide what is best for the boy, but it’s unknown when the appointment is to take place….

The child said that he is constantly hungry in the new foster family, and that when he wants to eat he is given an apple and told to wait a family dinner at 6. They responded that it’s normal and every family has its own rules.

I inquired why he was placed in the Catholic family, and whether they’ve ever asked him what religion he practices. They tried not to answer and in the end said that it was not important since the boy does not practice any religion. The Hebrew translator then shook her head and left quetly. Actually, she couldn’t do anything, anyway.

The boy came with a bag and said he’d be coming home with us. They responded that in that case his father (me) will have problems with the Gardai.

After the meeting, the social workers returned him to his current foster family and made him tell in front of everybody how that is he is always hungry and doesn’t get enough food. Of course, they don’t like him at all there now.

We are prohibited to call him. If we do, they will go to court to make us stop contacting him.
We were told in front of the boy that everything he says is lies and he likes his current foster family, and that family is trustworthy. Well, what about us then? We’ve been trustworthy for 4.5 years, and befor our son, we’d fostered another girl for some time, she was from Georgia. And suddenly we’re not trustworthy, right.

The boy became quite thin. He is 178-180sm now but weighs no more than 55kg. He’s outgrown his clothes, but they don’t buy him new ones. I don’t understand where the money the current foster family receives from the state go. He gets 10 euro every Friday, and several candies every Saturday. His computer broke several days ago, and they refuse to call the technical services to mend it. He is prohibited to go to Russian web sites. When they saw him registering at a Russian forum, they blocked the site. He feels like he is in prison, but social workers like it that way.

qiper

my friend was with us on the mitting last thursday

i am not in any way interested party in the case, as i got to know Qiper only from forum when he posted his story asking for help with the language.

Well, yesterday went with Qiper and his wife to the meeting with the Social Welfare Team...

unfortunately, it left quite "heavy" feelings...

Social service decided to terminate the contract between themselves and Qiper for foster-parenting of the boy, and said that the investigation reached the conclusion that in "boy's best interest" it would be better if he doesnt return home and would stay with his new foster-family.........................................

There were two members of the soc.welfare team who were supposed to support Qiper during fostering process. the level of support coming from them was less than zero. One of them didnt say one single word throughout the whole meeting.

the rest of the team were polite but u could feel negative tention hanging in the air.

at least me, as an independant person there, got that impression. well, thats just a remark, anyway.

as for the case itself, the whole lot came up to the fact that the soc service have a statement made from the boy's words, according to which he had been verbally abused and hit in the past while living in the family.
attached to that there is also a statement made by a psycologist whose opinion is that the boy was not "happy" in the family and should he return back there, it would only cause further stress for him...

alongside with that the question regards to the boy's words and letters where he said he had been lying about the abuse and regrets that, he wants back home got only one reaction: "Well, the boy is distressed, so those words don't mean anything. he says so out of stress and fear...."

Another words, whatever adds up to the picture that soc welfare shows is considered as "valid" information, but anything that doesnt help them or looks as a benefit for the boy's come-back home is "unvalid information after stress"...

There was also a lady (soc worker) that used to deal with the boy and Qiper's family for four years since the boy first appeared there...
from her words it appeared that even then, at the very beginning, not everything was so good...There's a question then: where was that social worker with her concerns all those 4 years while she was dealing with the family??? no answer.

why a family who satisfied social services all those 4 years, out of the blue turned out to be people with tendencies to violence whom social workers have their concerns about only now, only since the new member of the service was appointed to deal with the boy??? nobody gave any answer.

They didnt answer some other questions either... the boy hasn't got his vaccination done. he was due to get it in February!...

the boy ran away from the new foster family twice. he feels as an outcast there, he cries... "Well, he is just going through some hard times"...

Qiper had been asking to get a psycologist for the boy for ages, since the boy moved in with them 4 years ago. the soc service now denies... "NO, u didnt ask for one"...

More questions, than the answers...

there were just some really odd things said as well.

Soc service mentioned that even when they were first given the boy, even their GP "refused" to give Qiper and his wife recomendation for fostering the child.
Qiper said, no, he did not "refuse". he couldnt give one because we only moved to the area then, and the GP barely saw us, never mind to know us to give any recommendations... - "No, he did "refuse". we have it written in the file."...

but there is nothing about Qiper's requests for a psycologist 4 years ago in that file...

Boy's tears, letters and words that he misses mum and dad and wants to be reunited with them, that in the new family he is unhappy, that they were name-calling him, went through his personal belongings...all this is just emotions, thats not good enough to be a valid reason...

Looks like "Selected Stories", not just a file...

So any words were no use really, as the decision was already made and nobody intended to change it...

looks like the only way now is a court battle...

well, at least they gave some decision, and at least that dimmed uncertainity is over. that's the only positive moment for now...

qiper

There is also a letter from the boy that he posted on Russian foum

http://www.virtualireland.ru/showpost.php?p=124783&postcount=342

chump

advice: go back through all your posts and remove any specific details that reveal who you are. This will only get deleted if you dont remove the specifics I am guessing.

qiper

sorry,what you mean "specific details"

my english,not very good

The_Conductor

Moved to Parenting from the Adoption Forum.

Crea

Get legal advice immediately. Go to Citizens Advice.

Kristopherus

Take your case direct to Professor Brendan Drumm, CEO of the HSE.ASk him to have your case investigated. You should also contact the Childrens Ombudsman. The Citizens Advice office will advise you of the contact details.

Peewee_lane

You must see a solicitor immediately. The solicitors will write to Social Services on your behalf and defend you. They had no right to interfere. You must defend this immediately. If you want a suggestion on good solicitors who can deal with this issue you may pm me.

qiper

tnx to everybody

The solicitors will write to Social Services on your behalf and defend you. They had no right to interfere.

Social Services general guardians of the boy

we dont know what to do,every body sending us to another one and so on circle

cathy01

Deffo got to ombus man,
cathy

Trouble

Get in touch with a family lawyer immediately. Contact the child care monitor at the hse offices in swords, balheary road, don't know the number offhand sorry. The national standards for childrens residential centres state that children and parents have a right to information about their placement and reasons for being taken into care. Also, any placement must respect the young persons religious, cultural and ethnic identity. This is mandatory and is taken very seriously by the social services inspectorate, whether or not this individual social workers says so or not. Don't let them get away with not answering your questions. Some will try to do this, they can't.

Unfortunately since you are not the boys parents you are in a weak position here. I work in the care system and if a social worker believes a child is or has been abused they do have the right to take them into care under the Child Care Act. They have no right to restrict contact unless the Care Order from the court explicitly states no contact. They can phone you on your mobile, they are lying and trying to make things difficult for you by saying they can only phone your house. I have never heard of this, we phone mobiles all the time.

The childs wishes must be taken into account in all decisions affecting their future. Try contacting the Irish Association for Young People in Care, they will get in touch with the boy and might be able to help. Push for a case conference to be organised - this would include yourselves, the boy, social workers, possibly the school and any others who have an interest in his life.

qiper

monday,21-May we will meet lawer in Dundalk
last letter from our son

Kildrought

So here's something I'm trying to figure out

On 14th Feb OP starts posting his story on the dublin.ie board (see link below).

After several replies a poster with the handle of AA1 posts 2 weeks ago (12th May?).

The post starts as follows

Hi, i am new to this forum.

i am not in any way interested party in the case, as i got to know Qiper only from forum when he posted his story asking for help with the language.

http://www.dublin.ie/forums/showthread.php?t=3905&page=5

Qiper seems to have copied that post here? In fact this thread is almost a duplicate of every post that Qiper has posted on the dublin.ie board.

I smell a rat.....or perhaps a troll....?

Nevyn

Kildrought please learn to use the report post function
or pm the mods if you have an issue with a post or thread.

qiper

Kildrought wrote:

So here's something I'm trying to figure out

On 14th Feb OP starts posting his story on the dublin.ie board (see link below).

After several replies a poster with the handle of AA1 posts 2 weeks ago (12th May?).

AA1 was with us in the mitting in Park House at 3/5/07
original post here
after that i ask to translate her post for english spiker forums

The_Conductor

Kildrought- I ok'ed the reposting in another forum, and then moved the thread to parenting, as it reflects the subject matter better. I have no reason whatsoever to disbelieve the OP.

bored and tired

have you requested that a guardian ad litem be appointed to your sons case. they represent the childs best interests, not the parents or social workers agendas, they work with the child and they are uselful when involved in cases where a child says different things to different people. I think but i can be corrected that beacan gal is part of barnados and that they have guardian ad litems.

Kildrought

I understood (but willing to be corrected) that a guardian ad litem is appointed by a court?

qiper

we are waiting for court

child in the boarding school