Please Give Me Some Advice

josianne42

My finance and I have been together for about 5/6 years and 2 years ago he proposed on holiday...I said yes and 2 yrs later we are no closer to getting married. We had agreed at some point last year that we would marry in August this year (2007) but everytime I start talking about it he clams up, gets in a foul mood and stares at the floor!!! I have explained that weddings take a lot of organising and that's why I wanted to get prepared now but he just kept giving me poor excuses about why we shouldn't (money/timing etc)...I even offered to pay for the whole thing myself!!!!
Last night when he was drunk and we were at a bloomin wedding (!!!) everyone was asking us when we were going to be having our big day and he wouldn't answer anyone, so I piped up 'NEVER...please don't talk about it anymore..' and left it at that......I quiety said to him why we can't and he said that he wants to 'go with the flow' and 'see what happens' ......why the bloody hell did he propose to me if he wanted to go with the flow???? I was quite happy to 'go with the flow' before he ruined it and put this pressure on me....now I can't stop thinking that he doesn't want to marry me at all even though he tells me he does?? HELP ME CAUSE I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!! Oh, and if I fell pregnant he'd "be the happiest man in the world"...explain that then???? Please respond cause I don't know what to do................

dudara

josianne42, please do not start a new thread when no one responds to your original thread. Reply to the original to bring it back up to the top of the forum. I've deleted your original rather than have it cluttering up the forum.

dudara

BluesWeeper

Yeah I think you should dump him. He's obviously not serious and for gods sake dont make the mistake of getting pregnant . I can see him walking and u left holding the baby.

josianne42

I can't just dump him cause despite the wedding issue we are really happy together....we've just come back from a 3 month trip round Australia which was fantastic and hacve got future plans to build a house in the UK........I'm grateful though for other points of view because I'm in the situation and might not be reading things right. If I was to finish it with him, after 6yrs or so of being together wouldn't that be such a waste?

Miss Fluff

josianne42 wrote:

I can't just dump him cause despite the wedding issue we are really happy together....we've just come back from a 3 month trip round Australia which was fantastic and hacve got future plans to build a house in the UK........I'm grateful though for other points of view because I'm in the situation and might not be reading things right. If I was to finish it with him, after 6yrs or so of being together wouldn't that be such a waste?

Six years isn't a waste if you've been happy for most of it. Another six years on top of this may be however if you are intent on getting hitched and he is not. You honestly need to sit down with him and get to the bottom of why he seems to have done a complete U-turn on his proposal.

josianne42

Trust me I've tried but he won't give me a straight answer....he'll just stop talking to me and put his head down on his chest and stare at the floor or he'll tell me that the "time's not right to talk about it and we'll talk about it later" but we never do.....I feel bad because I feel I'm pressuring him in someway but it's his fault for proposing in the first place!!!! I can't think of another way of trying to get the information out of him without it causing upset. He's quiet with me today because I asked him about it yesterday...perhaps I should just keep quiet and see how it goes.....BUT IT'S THE NOT KNOWING THAT'S KILLIN ME!! Maybe I should write him a letter??? ...or is that just too childish??...at 26yrs of age??????

dame

A few possibilities:

Maybe he felt pressured to propose so he did, thinking that would take the pressure off. It hasn't, so he's now refusing to address the issue at all.

Maybe he has "gone off" you but doesn't want to lose you or hurt you because you're such good friends so he's letting things go on as they are, but hanging back from having a wedding.

Maybe he feels you're lives would change and get too claustrophobic or something if you got married and he's happy with the way things are at the moment.

Maybe he feels you're both too young still for getting married.

Maybe he proposed in the heat of the moment but has been trying to row back on that since but just doesn't know how.

Maybe he really did want to marry you two years ago when he proposed but now he's having doubts about whether he can see you growing old together?

Maybe he has seen a very messy divorce and it has put him off marriage.


The only way to discover the reason he's stalling and refusing to set a date is to ask him.




If it were me, I'd try and discuss it with him.
If that failed I'd tell him I'd provisionally booked a church and reception for X date (I wouldn't actually book, just suggest it) and see how he reacted to that.
I'd give myself a time-frame, as in, if nothing has changed and we're no nearer to setting a date by say may 2009, then I'll consider whether I want to continue in this relationship.

DannyBuoy

josianne42 wrote:

Trust me I've tried but he won't give me a straight answer....he'll just stop talking to me and put his head down on his chest and stare at the floor or he'll tell me that the "time's not right to talk about it and we'll talk about it later" but we never do.....

Just a thought, I presume he gave you a ring, what if you were to stop wearing it, or "release" him from the engagement by giving it back to him, somehow try to force the issue in a non confrontational way. Maybe a bit drastic I know but you need to make a decision, are you happy to continue with the current setup? and if you are, then great. Or do you want him to finally commit? He's prob just scared silly, but it looks like this could drag on for a while.

Miss Fluff

josianne42 wrote:

I feel bad because I feel I'm pressuring him in someway but it's his fault for proposing in the first place!!!! I can't think of another way of trying to get the information out of him without it causing upset. He's quiet with me today because I asked him about it yesterday...?

Time to be completely honest with yourself. Actions speak louder than words and if it is the case that he is in a huff with you today because you brought up the marriage issue yesterday then to all intents and purposes it would suggest that he DOES NOT want to get married at all. If he was enthusiastic and was able to say that yes, he does want to marry you but would prefer to wait a year or two all well and good but it certainly doesn't look that way.

Yes, he may have felt pressure to propose, or he could have one too many. (I had a boyfriend get down on bended knee three times in a matter of a year and propose marriage....thank God I said no) but I think some people feel they have to because it is EXPECTED. Perhaps he thought by doing so it would take the pressure off.

If marriage is THAT serious an issue for you then you need to address it. Tbh it sounds from your posts that he doesn't want it, seems like you have answered your own question unfortunately.

louisecm

First of all, I don't think you should feel at all bad for "pressuring him". At the end of the day, he asked you to marry him. Expecting to follow through on your plan is completely rational.

I think what this really comes down to is how important getting married is to you. Could you carry on happily in the relationship if you put aside the idea of marriage? If the answer is no, then I think you need to tell him that. Rather than asking him what the story is tell him that you need a decision on this and that you think you've been very patient. If he doesn't want to get married then you need to make choices about your own future. It sounds like you are putting your feelings second to his. Why? You are just as important as he is.

Good luck.

josianne42

Thanks for the replies guys - the ring thing I have done, he knew I wasn't wearing it but never bothered to mention anything about it - guess that means that if he did then he would have to talk about why I wasn't wearing it and further the discussion of marriage........I completely get all the points of view, specially the one about feeling opressured...I had been away for 3 months and when i got back he took me on holiday and proposed then...maybe he was scared I would go away again???? The one thing though is that he wants kids real bad.....I guess we could stay together and not get married but I want my kids to have a mum and dad with the same surname, there's no confusion then eh??? Why would he want kids so bad but yet too scared to marry me?

louisecm

Josianne. Either you are willing to compromise on getting married or you are not. You need to make a decision and follow through with conviction instead of spending time wondering "why?" I understand why you are wondering, but "why" is really unconsequential to your future. If you are not willing to compromise on getting married, then he needs to marry you or you need to break up. If you are willing to compromise then you need to stop worrying about it or it will eat you up inside. Its really that simple. Easy for me to say I know, but its the truth.

Kell

2yrs on and no commitment? Bollíx to that.

Forget trying to have THE CHAT about what it is that eating gilbert grape. Ultimatum time girly- we are or we are not getting married. Whats it to be?

K-

biko

josianne42 wrote:

The one thing though is that he wants kids real bad.....I guess we could stay together and not get married but I want my kids to have a mum and dad with the same surname, there's no confusion then eh??? Why would he want kids so bad but yet too scared to marry me?

This is the weird bit. Kids are much more of a commitment than marriage, you cannot divorce them. If he wants kids the marriage should be the natural progression.

Maybe it is the finances after all. Wedding can be damn expensive. How about:
- If he wants kids then you want to be married, that is logical. What if there is an accident or something?
- Tell him you'd like a small wedding somewhere on a Pacific Island, just the two of you. It'll be way cheaper and also you get to spend the honeymoon there too.

Mrs_Doyle

The week I get engaged will be the week I set the date for my wedding. Whether its for 6 months time, two years time, ten years time, it will be set and confirmed pretty much right away.

I don't know why couples get engaged when they have no intention of marrying each other in the foreseeable future, it just doesn't make sense to me.

Give him back his ring, cancel your engagement, consider yourself just Boyfriend and Girlfriend. Tell him to ask you again, when he can actually see you marrying with a year of his proposal.

digitally-yours

thats crazy "Go with the flow" theoury i heard.

Love rules without rules.

I met a girl last year in may we went out for about 3 months.

After that we rented a appartment togather for ourselves.

after 6 months i purposed her. and after 10 months i am married to her !:D

I know some of you will say its too quick and bla bla bla but at the end of the day we know 100% it will work out. You know when its right and you can tell when its not.

what kind of man is he who have you for 6 years and dosent have a courage to take this step.

what is he affraid of ? why he purposed if he has doubts.

Have a serious talk with him and tell him to respect you.

"Money" and all the "right time" talk is rubbish if you wana get married
you can get married in 5000 euros too. Excuses will always there if you dont want something.

Kell

digitally-yours wrote:

after 6 months i purposed her.

Whats that? It sounds kinky.

K-

spinandscribble

is it possible marriage is something he's against?
its awful unfair of him to think you'll bear his children but he wont marry you when clearly thats what you want before having kids especially since he asked you. You have to want a wedding for the right reasons.
you dont want to feel your forcing him down the church either do you?

give him the opinions (cheap wedding aboard ect) or call it quits.
if the man is that selfish and more importantly that uncommicative do you want to have his babies and be tied down for the rest of your life?

besides i dont think its the money issue, kids are a hell of alot more expensive.

kryan1

y not suggest a quiet wedding, u him, his family and ur famaily. nice and small, and not making a big deal out of it. Then if he says no to that well then its time to cut ur losses i think
best of luck
k...

josianne42

Well guys I though it best I keep you updated with the recent events.........I listened to all of your advise and the one thing you were all telling me to do was to get out of him what he wants......I prepared myself after work and blurted out "____ I need to talk to you about the wedding....I know you get in a mood etc but it's driving me crazy" His reply was "I need to talk to you about that too" I held my breath because I thought it was all over and he then said "I've been thinking about it since the weekend and I've decided that it's time I stop being so scared and stupid...I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you so let's do it!!!"
I'M SOOOOOOO HAPPY.......We are talking to the church at the weekend and plan to get wed in September.
Thank you all so much for the points of view and support...I really needed it xxxxxxxx:D

seastar

Well done - I'm delighted for you. Enjoy the prep & don't turn into a bridezilla!

spurious

Best wishes to you both.

Mrs_Doyle

Oh wow! Congratulations!! I am absolutely delighted for you, that's great news.:D

ARGINITE

WOW, a thread on PI with a happy ending
Congrats.