In two minds

air_war

The reason I am posting on boards.ie is because I can’t speak to my friends about this problem I have.

Background:

Boyfriend and I went out for 1 year, broke up for 2 months last August, then got back together for 5 months, and broke up again when I found out he had cheated on me. That was in mid- March. I'm 20, my ex is 24(this was never a problem age wise, just putting it in)


My friends, who used to be his good friends, now don’t like him for what he did to me, and don’t want me to get back together with him, understandably so. So this is why I can’t ask their advice because their answer is always, “Peter is a DICKHEAD! Has he been calling you again, you’d better not get back together with him!” and I can’t tell them how I really feel.

For the past 2 weeks or so he has been calling and texting me, asking me to give him another chance. I have been saying ‘no’ the whole time, because he hurt me too much and I’d never be able to trust him, he has persisted though and keeps asking. I do still love him and I’m not over him at all, I thought I was over him because I was “scoring” a guy for a little while there, and I thought I really liked this new guy. But the thing is, I’m not over my ex at all.

So, on Thursday, I was out in this bar, and then my ex-boyfriend came with his friends, we got talking and then kissed. There is so much energy between us and I was a bit drunk. Today I met up with him again and we kissed again and it was just like when things were perfect with us, which I liked but at the same time, was kicking myself for falling for him again.
He told me,
“You are my best friend but your more than that your my heart and soul, and i think i need to do more than chase you to prove that im serious about you! Even if it takes up to when we’re sitting together (hopefully hand in hand) for you to say you trust me, i’ll work every day to that day and i’ll be the happiest man alive when i hear those words.”

Then I realised I am falling for him again and I’m not sure if I want this. I don’t know what I want really. We went for lunch today and he was being quite touchy-feely but I tried to avoid that but it is so hard. I told him I don’t want to take it too fast because I don’t want to fall too hard too fast for him. I don’t trust him and he knows that so I don’t think it would work. I really don’t know what to do.

Tomorrow I am meeting the other guy, Ollie, but now I feel like I am cheating or betraying on Peter (my ex), I know we aren’t together but I don’t want to hurt him even though he hurt me so much. If I tell him I don’t want to be with him, he will move on and that hurts me so much and I can’t bear to think of him moving on from me, but at the same time, I’m not sure I want to be with him because maybe I like being single but I just don’t want to lose Peter.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this thread but I just can't speak to my friends about it because they just won't entertain the thought of my ex.

axer

I personally believe that without trust there is no relationship worth speaking about. You do realise your friends, by the sound of it, are just looking out for you.

Why did ye break up the first time?

This other guy - "ollie" - are you going out with him or just "scoring" (god such an awful word) him? i.e. does he know the situation?

patrickc

I suppose the big question is do you still love peter and if you got back with him could you TRUST him. IMO trust is everything. my gf did the dirt on me once but someone asked me picture life with her and without her which would be better??

LegacyUser

'i am with a girl at the moment and your story sounds very like hers. except i am peter. the problem is that when a boy leaves a girl he wants her agian. but when he gets back with her he might just get bored and fall back into his old ways again.


most importantly ignore what your friends say. they have no idea about your relationships.

if you do get back with him be very very careful. keep olly on the scence as well.'

air_war

axer wrote:

I personally believe that without trust there is no relationship worth speaking about. You do realise your friends, by the sound of it, are just looking out for you.

Why did ye break up the first time?

This other guy - "ollie" - are you going out with him or just "scoring" (god such an awful word) him? i.e. does he know the situation?

Yes I know they are looking out for me, I just can't talk to them about my ex because they refuse to listen. They wouldn't approve at all.

The reason we broke up the first time: he broke up with me, we had been spending an awful lot of time together, i don't really know why we broke up but we did. The 2 months we were 'broken up' though, we were still seeing each other but I think he needed space from me or something. Another reason was I got jealous because he was texting this girl.

Ollie, no I am not going out with him, we are just friends but we've kissed a good few times, yes I had that word too but I didn't know how else to describe it. Yes, Ollie knows who Peter is because we were out one night and Peter was there and got a bit mad seeing me with someone else (even though we weren't with each other that night). He doesn't know how I feel about Peter though... i'm hardly going to tell him!

patrickc2006 wrote:

I suppose the big question is do you still love peter and if you got back with him could you TRUST him. IMO trust is everything. my gf did the dirt on me once but someone asked me picture life with her and without her which would be better??

Yes I do still love him. And he still loves me. I don't know if I could trust him, I certainly don't trust him now. Yes trust is SO important but he told me he really wants to work towards me trusting him. He said that is the most important thing to him. I want him in my life certainly, as a friend if not a boyfriend, but we both know there is too much feelings to be friends and it would kill each of us to see us with someone else.

axer

air_war wrote:

I got jealous because he was texting this girl.

and is that the girl he cheated on you with?

patrickc

air_war wrote:

Yes I do still love him. And he still loves me. I don't know if I could trust him, I certainly don't trust him now. Yes trust is SO important but he told me he really wants to work towards me trusting him. He said that is the most important thing to him. I want him in my life certainly, as a friend if not a boyfriend, but we both know there is too much feelings to be friends and it would kill each of us to see us with someone else.

it took me a long time to build the trust again with my gf but did and were great now... at the end of the day its your decision

Kaizan

This is a classic hear/head dilemma. Your head says "he cheated on me, he hurt me, I can't trust him" meanwhile your heart is saying "I Love him".

The problem is that the head is rational, clear and going with logic which actually makes a lot of sense. Your heart is going on what you wish was happening. Here is this guy you loved who stamped all over your heart and is now coming back to you- it's the ultimate ego trip. It's the ultimate ego massage. He made a mistake and he has realised I'm the best of what's out there. That's what you'd like ot think and don't we all. I'm in love with someone I can never be with and logically I know that but I keep telling myself secretly that it'll be different. IT REALLY WON'T. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

Do yourself a massive favour and break off contact with him. Delete his number so that you absolutely can't contact him and ask him not to contact you for six months. That way you stand some chance of working him out of your system enough to get some level of clarity. Then , if you still are in love with him and he is still as keen as he appears to be now(I said appears on pupose - some men will do anything to get back into a comfortable "fallback" position). you need distance to be sure of your feelings - give yourself that luxury. You owe him nothing - he made a consious premeditated decision to cheat on you so how much can he really love you??? It really is that simple . I mean, what happend - she slipped and he fell on top of her? Give yourself some space and really think about it becuase if you give in and you're wrong he'll do the same again once he's got you comfortably tucked away at home as the little woman and you'll have to go through the hurt all over again.

I might sound harsh but if you know that if you really care about someone you couldn't even contemplate cheating. I was with someone for 4 years and even though at times it was really hard I never so much as looked at another man becuase it just isn't right. You owe the person you are with at least the most basic level of respect and if you can't do that then you're nothing.

air_war

axer wrote:

and is that the girl he cheated on you with?

Nope. He was never with the girl who he was texting last year, but they were good friends for a while.

He revealed to me that he cheated on me a few times while we were together, all drunken kisses on nights out when I wasn't there. The last girl, he kissed her twice. He didn't sleep with any of them, and this I do believe. I have reasons for believing that which I won't get into. So he drunkenly kissed 7 or so random girls while we were together.
I'm not so innocent myself: The first week we started seeing each other, I kissed a guy and then another person about two weeks later, I didn't think me and Peter were really going out or if it would last but anyway, they were both drunken meaningless kisses. I told Peter about these two guys 6 months down the line and he didn't take it well and his reason for cheating on me while we were together is because he thought 'if I did it to him, he may as well do it to me' he didn't want to get hurt. It's a really shi-tty thing to do but he did that.

PeakOutput

ok quick background, i met girl last january was with her till the start of summer broke up while she was in america for summer back together in september until febuary when she kissd sum other guy when she was drunk. i tried to give her a second chance but i couldnt get it out of my head that she cheated even though it wa s a kiss............i always said to myself when someone cheats on me thats it there gone but until her i had not been in love so i understand now how hard it is.................

just before reading your thread i was having a **** night missing her and knowing shes out having a laugh without me etc etc..........

i get the impression this guy is going threw what i am going threw and that is he is missing someone who has been a big part of his life for a long time. after a break up you tend to be ok for a little while and then a stage hits you were you really really miss the person and i think hes at it and is mistaking it for really really wanting you back.

right now i am thinking it is never right to go back with someone who cheated on you........if its "true love" they wont cheat and while thats simplistic i see no reason why it cannot be true. i would advise not getting back with this guy and telling him to sling his hook. he is willing to say anything to get you back which to me means telling you what you want to hear and not wat is literally going threw his head.......it will be tough but u just gotta slog threw the **** nights and it will get better




this might not help you at all but i am half using it as a way to get my thoughts straight too as you can see there all over the place at the mo too

PeakOutput

air_war wrote:

So he drunkenly kissed 7 or so random girls while we were together.

and your seriously considering getting back with him???

I'm not so innocent myself: The first week we started seeing each other, I kissed a guy and then another person about two weeks later, I didn't think me and Peter were really going out or if it would last but anyway, they were both drunken meaningless kisses.

start of a relationship is a completely different story to 7 times throughout going out

I told Peter about these two guys 6 months down the line and he didn't take it well and his reason for cheating on me while we were together is because he thought 'if I did it to him, he may as well do it to me' he didn't want to get hurt. It's a really shi-tty thing to do but he did that.

hes clearly an immature wanker aswell(harsh but true imo)

i know believe you are stone cold crazy to get back with him

air_war

Thanks for all your replies, some really good advice.

I'm kind of annoyed at myself for giving in and kissing my ex the other night, but I just fell for him again!

Maybe he is just missing that routine and safe feeling I gave him, maybe that's why he wants me back.

The suggestion to have no contact for 6 months or so is a really good suggestion but it wouldn't work because he wouldn't not call me. I have gotten good at not calling him but he won't. We share the same circle of friends so it will be hard to not see him, and we often go to the same places at night (its hard in Dublin not to), I can't just make my friends go other places all the time so I won't see my ex!

PeakOutput

air_war wrote:

The suggestion to have no contact for 6 months or so is a really good suggestion but it wouldn't work because he wouldn't not call me. I have gotten good at not calling him but he won't. We share the same circle of friends so it will be hard to not see him, and we often go to the same places at night (its hard in Dublin not to), I can't just make my friends go other places all the time so I won't see my ex!

a little bit of effort to ignore him with help from your friends is all it will take even if you do end up in the same place.....if he rings its a simple push of a button to hang up

good luck with whatever you decide anyway

Kaizan

It's really tought but if you really, really want to be rid of him then you need to make a super-human effort to avoid him.

My ex, having cheated on me, picked the moment I was most vlunerable to ask me to marry him, and while I really really wanted to say yes I realised I would only be doing it to make myself feel better and to say "he made a mistake and he came back". I managed, somehow, to say no and thank god I did. Ten years on I'm a completely different person and I look at him and thank my lucky stars we didn't marry. I'd be divorced, probably with children. You have to really, really try to block him out - get rid of him out of your life. Even in Dublin it can be done. Try somewhere new that you've wanted to try but didn't for whatever reason or use this as excuse to change your life a little. A different local haunt, a different hobby or haircut - it sounds small and insignificant but you never know where it's going to lead. Change it now and get him out of your life. If he cheated on you and you take him back then he knows he's secure with you and he'll do it again. I hope I don't sound cynical but I'm not - I still believe that the "right one" will come along, hopefully when I'm 50 and ready to settle down;)

Whatever you decide I genuinely hope it works out for the best.

air_war

I just was on the phone to him and I asked him if we could take 2 months with no contact. He said, "Fine if that's what you want. We can both try move on."

I told him I didn't truly believe he loved me and he said, "No one knows whats going on in my head except me and I do love you."

I asked him, what he would say if I spoke to him in 2 months and he said he didn't know. I think if he says this, it says it all really. If he was serious about this, he would have said, "In two months, I will still love you and want to be with you." I don't think he is willing to hang around for 2 months in case I decide I don't want to be with him then.

Kaizan

I think that's a very honest response from him. Nobody can possibly pedict how they are going to feel in 2 months . . .unless its' a stonewall decision. You are both young so I'd say move on. It feels like the end of the world right now but if really isn't.

air_war

Kaizan wrote:

I think that's a very honest response from him. Nobody can possibly pedict how they are going to feel in 2 months . . .unless its' a stonewall decision. You are both young so I'd say move on. It feels like the end of the world right now but if really isn't.

That's true. I want to move on I think it just is so hard. Thanks for reading and the advice.

axer

Well done OP. I don't think 2 months is not enough time to clear your head. You would probably need 6-12 months to do that.

SarahSassy

You have made the right decision here as he sounds purely selfish. Stick to the no contact and do something with the 2 months - dont just sit around waiting for it to pass.....

air_war

axer wrote:

Well done OP. I don't think 2 months is not enough time to clear your head. You would probably need 6-12 months to do that.

I know it should be longer and I will see after 2 months. I really don't know how I feel anymore!

Miss Fluff

air_war wrote:

We share the same circle of friends so it will be hard to not see him, and we often go to the same places at night (its hard in Dublin not to),

Dublin is 118km square, I am sure you'll find somewhere different to go. :rolleyes:

To me it sounds like you're enjoying the attention. If that's the case, enjoy it for what it is, but I don't think Peter is particularly trustworthy so I wouldn't get too involved, putting some distance between you is the best advice.

Kell

Miss Fluff wrote:

To me it sounds like you're enjoying the attention.

Thats what I thought too.

OP- maybe think more of 1yr as opposed to two months time out from the dating game/getting back with your ex.

I went through some really horrid times with ex's and hated every one of them for a while. The last nearly three years of being single brought everything into perspective and I find it impossible to be hurt by much these days.

Give yourself plenty of time out.

K-

air_war

I dunno maybe I am enjoying the attention but at the same time I'm not at all. I think I will stay away from my ex and other guys for a while. I told Peter that we should just forget this "two months" thing because it isn't fair really, so I told him that if we are meant to be, we will find each other later on. I don't want to be in a relationship right now so right now isn't the right time for me and him. And if he truly believes we are meant to be together then it will happen at a later stage.

air_war

Miss Fluff wrote:

Dublin is 118km square, I am sure you'll find somewhere different to go. :rolleyes:

To me it sounds like you're enjoying the attention. If that's the case, enjoy it for what it is, but I don't think Peter is particularly trustworthy so I wouldn't get too involved, putting some distance between you is the best advice.

I know but we live really close to one another and I am trying to go to other places when my friends and I go on a night out but it's not fair on them to ask them to go to a new place just because I don't want to see my ex. It is ok to ask sometimes but not every time.

bp

I had a friend who went through something similar, and no amount of advice from anyone would make her stay away from him. In the she had to decide to make a clean break. I agree with the others, get your hair cut, or do something different. You are still young and in a years time you may have someone new and better and wonder what the hell you ever saw in Peter:) Give it some time, see the girls etc - he just wants what he cannot have because you dumped him! Good luck!