Wife Issues

LegacyUser

I feel like I am being driven to despair because of my wife. We have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful children. I love my wife and my kids but the problem is this.

Where we live, you need to drive. Driving is as important as having electricity in this part of the world. Public transports is a no go in this town. My wife does not drive. She had a couple of accidents when she was a teenager and amongst other things had her license revoked. That was 10 years ago now. We are both in the later stages of our 20’s.

For 5 years now I have tired every angle to get her to drive. She is afraid no doubt and I totally understand that. For 4 years I have tried to get her to make a step to over coming her fear of driving by being supportive and nice about it, encouraging her and believing in her, but every time I would mentioned it she would say I don’t want to talk about it or if we do it’s forgotten about in a day.

Since she does not drive, she is stuck at home while I am in work. I leave for work at 6am and arrive back home at around 4:30pm. I will get several calls a day sometimes with my wife moaning and complaining about how she and the kids are bored. She will arrange for her mother to pick her and the kids up so they can run errands and make doctors appointments ect, but this it its own right is also a nightmare because my wife’s mother is so unreliable. For example my mother in law will tell my wife she will be around at 12:00pm and will not arrive until 3pm. This is a regular occurrence. In the mean time my wife will be calling her mother asking where are you and they will get into a fight and my wife will tell my mother in law to go f8uk off and forget about it. So then, I either get a call from her complaining how unreliable her mother is and how **** her life is because again her mother let her down or hear it when I get home. This happens at least twice a week. Getting these phone calls while I am in work is really getting me down and it’s been going on for 5 years now.

So this driving issue can come to the forefront big time. My son is starting School in August / September. The school is about 3 miles way, no school transport as its Pre Kindergarden. I am worried about how he will get to school and back. I could bring him, but I cannot afford to miss work. Also, if there is a problem while he is in school I can not always guarantee I will be able to make it back in time for him. The other thing is I don’t feel like this should be my total responsibility.

My biggest beef with this whole deal is that my wife has not made one single effort to take the steps to get back driving. I have suggested that she go see someone professional and get it sorted out in her head. She tells me that driving scares the life out of her and I total understand that and have done up until now. All’s I asked of her for 5 years now was to study the rule book, take the learners test and have her learners permit in her wallet so one evening she may feel okay and take a trip around the block. Just take baby steps with this issue. I laid out a plan for her several times with the intention of getting her driving. Study for the test, get your learners permit, start of very slowly and gradually build confidence to be confident in driving.

Since I am the one who only drives it has taken it out of me. I have to drive to the shops, drive the family to functions, no milk for the baby at 10pm at night, I have to go. For the last 5 years I brought her everywhere she needed to go. For example, she joined the gym. I would come home from work, get everyone in the car, drive her and the kids to the gym, she would stay for an hour, I would go home unload the kids back into the house, 20 mins later back in the car, pick her up and back home. Now after a long day at work this is hardly the last thing I want to do, but to get her out of the house and get her doing something she likes, I did it. Every other function like going to the supermarket to get groceries for example, I have to go, again load up the kids into the car, and we all go. If my wife wanted to go somewhere, I would bring her and the kids simply because I love my wife and want her to get out of the house.

For me to constantly here my wife complain about how she is always stuck in the house with the kids ect. I will say take the steps to start driving she will then tell me there is no where to go. This is b*ull**** excuse as usual. She just dose not want to face her fear of driving. I really thought with my son starting school in a few months that would kick her into gear and make a step in the right direction.

I don’t think I would be typing this if she just made and effort to try and get back driving. If that meant getting to see a professional to help of just having learners permit in her pocket, it would mean the world to me. Right now I am at my wits end and I am loosing a lot of respect for her. I am finding myself being very distant and resentful towards her simply because she won’t take the measures or put a effort into trying to sort this driving mess out.

Up until the start of this year I can say I have been a good Husband who thinks of her needs and will always put her needs before my own. I have and right now run myself into the ground with working, doing all the driving, I will help with housework, take the kids out and let her have time by her self, weekends I am up at the crack of dawn with both kids so she can have a lay in ect. I was forthcoming in giving hugs, saying it will be okay, we will get it sorted ect. Basically doing everything for her that needed to be done.

As I said I am loosing respect for her and finding resentment towards her, because of this there is now a distance between us. I got home from work yesterday and she was in one of her moods. I could tell immediately when I got home. I gave her a hug and said what’s wrong? She said just one of those days. I said if you want to talk about it I am all ears. We had dinner and she went on about how much her life in the house was c*ap, how much everyone lets her down because she cant get to where she needs to go. I flipped out and told her straight up that she needs to get her s*hit together and make the steps necessary to get driving. She did her normal thing of telling me I am an a*rsehole and she said “f*uck you”. I said oh that’s very nice indeed and she went upstairs and then gave me the middle finger and again call me an a*rsehole and told me she hated me. That kind of stuff hurts big time.

I have tried to be nice, I have been supportive and I tired every trick in the book. Because of the lack of effort I am finding myself being a p*rick towards her and being basically blunt with regards what she needs to do, she does not like to here this from me and then starts hurdling abuse at me like above.

It’s very hard for me to watch my wife, whom I love very much sit on the side lines of life, stuck in the house, riling on everyone else to get her around town. All’s I can see is if she starts driving, she will have the freedom to throw the kids into the car and go to some of her friends who also have kids and socialize. She socializes with her friends, but not enough. When I come home from work, I am happy and will in a heartbeat take over the kids, the house just so she could get out to the gym or to a friends without two kids hanging out of her. She never spends time by herself because of the driving issue, she is co-dependent very much.

I do not know what else to do. I want to resentment to go away and I want to look at my wife again like I used to. I will try and continue to try and solve this issue, but there will come a point when I will not stand for it any more. Any one out there who can give me some advice on this issue please do so. I am naturally a upbeat kind of person but lately I am dreading going home in the evening from work because of this issue along with my wife being pissed off all the time.

Thanks if you made it this far.

Nevyn

Take her for a dirve to go look at houses closer to the shops and school.
The smaller and worse then your current home they are they better.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Take her for a dirve to go look at houses closer to the shops and school.
The smaller and worse then your current home they are they better.

Your suggesting that we move house rather than tackle the issue? It does not matter when you live in this town, you need to drive, kids will move schools and we would have to move every time the kids moved to a different school.

I have though about moving, but I dont think its the answer to the problem.

Nevyn

I think that you have to make her consider the options rather then making this about you making her drive.

Take her to look at what houses there are or get some leaflets from the local estate agents or go and look at a town which you can commute to work from which has better walking options for her.

Get her to have a think about wht may happen if you broke your leg or heavens forbid were to die and she would be stranded with the children.

Have a chat with your mother in law about not driving her anywhere for two weeks.

Find out what couselling option or theraphy or hypnoterphy might be an option for her also and about how new cars have so many saftey features.

Butend of the day she has to choose to want to drive for her own sake taht of the children and of the family and you can not force her.
If it is such a huge phobia for her it could be she may not be able to ever drive and you had best think about planning what is best for the family.

Carrigart Exile

Is cycling impossible?

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Is cycling impossible?

More or less two kids ect. Plus it gets to 35 degrees plus humidity. Dont think it would work.

Thanks for your input man.

Captain Trips

Yeah mate, a bike is a good thing. I do ~40km/day on my work commute.

Driving to the gym is a bit much, it can't be that far. Anything over 25km is more of a car journey though, at least for casual trips like to the shops.

I say get her an appointment with someone like a psychiatrist to see if this driving phobia or whatever can be treated.

DublinWriter

Mywittsent wrote:

I want to resentment to go away and I want to look at my wife again like I used to.

I read a very interesting article about a marriage counsellor in the UK recently who would sit a couple down and let them discuss their problems. He said the main factor in making the decisions he made was all about the 'resentment' he felt in the first ten minutes of such a session.

He stated that the feeling of resentment was the last stage in what could be seen as a chain of emotion. Hostility, lack of sexual desire, jealously, contempt all seemed to ultimately resolve itself in a cancerous feeling of resentment which was usually an indictor that issues had been left too long to be resolved.

Sure, you could move to someplace closer to public transport. But that fact you already have kids tells me that you have already have shed a lot of blood, sweat and tears getting your existing house in order.

Should you have to move to a new place and face all the issues with moving and getting a new place together, I think the hassle of any inevitable move would make your resentment towards her would just compound itself and grow even larger.

Again OP, with a lot of these issues, communication is the key, but easier said than done.

You need a little quiet time with your wife in your house so you can tell her how you feel. Do this in your home, not during a meal in a restaurant or in a pub. Make sure the kids are tucked in and not running rampant.

Be calm and rational when you talk to her. It's very easy when we have pent-up frustrations over time to just let-rip emotionally, but that's never the answer as it always ends in the invariable shouting-match.

Practically, there are plenty of Driving Instructors out there with the patience of Job who could make her drive again using Aversion Therapy techniques. You might even suggest to her to undergo Hypnotherapy/NLP for her to overcome her fears.

Best of luck,

DW.

EKRIUQ

Jesus that's some long post but I think you get your point across, your wife seems a bit of a lazy;) who is taking you for granted and I would suggest talking it over with her but I don't think that would'nt work because she obviously thinks shes the victim when shes locked away at the house all day with the kids.

My biggest beef with this whole deal is that my wife has not made one single effort to take the steps to get back driving.

If I was you either bring the subject up in a argument just to get your point across just to get her thinking that you are serious about it and when shes cooled down if she feels its affecting you she will want to talk it over with you later. If she doesn't then I think you should get ready being a taxi driver for the next 50 years

For me to constantly here my wife complain about how she is always stuck in the house with the kids ect. I will say take the steps to start driving she will then tell me there is no where to go. This is b*ull**** excuse as usual

Next time shes says this tell her to get her finger out and do something about it the balls in her court

LegacyUser

Mywittsent wrote:

.For 5 years now I have tired every angle to get her to drive. She is afraid no doubt and I totally understand that. For 4 years I have tried to get her to make a step to over coming her fear of driving by being supportive and nice about it, encouraging her and believing in her, but every time I would mentioned it she would say I don’t want to talk about it or if we do it’s forgotten about in a day.

I dont know what exactly happened to your wife when she crashed. The solution if you really want to get her back into a car would be to book an advance driving course or bring on a day out where they teach you everything from what to do if your skidding to what to do if your brakes fail. I think that this would be a big step in getting her confidence back.

I crashed when i first starting driving, no one was hurt and it was only a brush when i look back, but even i was very nervous about getting back into the car, but my father dragged back in and its the best thing he did. I hate to think where i would be now, probably standing in connolly station waiting on a train.

Mywittsent wrote:

So this driving issue can come to the forefront big time. My son is starting School in August / September. The school is about 3 miles way, no school transport as its Pre Kindergarden. I am worried about how he will get to school and back. I could bring him, but I cannot afford to miss work. Also, if there is a problem while he is in school I can not always guarantee I will be able to make it back in time for him. The other thing is I don’t feel like this should be my total responsibility.

Its simple you have to sit your wife down and explain that you can be there 24/7 when he does start school and pick him up everyday. I'm sure after a few weeks your wife might get friendly with another mother who will offer to pick and drop him, but you can't even expect that everyday for 6months to a year. You need to explain the facts and how and what you are BOTH going to do, you need to compormise on a situation you both agree.

Micamaca

Your wife needs to see how selfish she is being and she needs to try to see your point of view. The best thing would be to print off your letter with a replies so she can see that other people also think she is being selfish...might help her to open her eyes a bit.

Is she generally a selfish person and you're just realising it now for the first time?

I understand fear of driving...I really do although I've never had an accident my palms are sweating every time I drive. But I have to drive, I have no choice. there is no-one to drive me around to where I need to go. So I put up with the fear because I'm not afraid all the time, just when I have to overtake lorries on the motorway and I'm sure they're not going to see me. One started moving into my lane just as I was level with him. Scared the hell out of me for life. but i have to drive to go to college so that's that. I can sympathise with your wife not wanting to drive but you have my sympathies a lot more. What a burden to have to carry.

Is she normally a nice person...outside the driving stuff?

metrovelvet

1. Ive noticed that non-drivers genuinely dont know how taxing driving can be.

2. People who have been in accidents - can be absolutely terrified.

3. If her license was revoked, are you sure she can get it back? Maybe shes too embarrassed to tell you.

4. Get her an automatic car.

5. Explain to her that it is far better for the kids to have two drivers around. What if something happened to you,like you broke your arm or leg? Or got seriously ill?

6. If you dont see her making an effort to change the situation, practise work to rule. ONLY do the bare essential of driving.

axer

Maybe a counsellor is what you need to be considering. This has become a big issue for you and she is not helping out. My going to counselling with her might help create the necessary listening time for you to explain your situation to her without it building up into a fight. As well as that it will show her how much it is effecting you.

LegacyUser

I take it from your reference to kindergarten and the weather being 35 degrees C you live in America?

Caryatnid

From your post, your wife seems spoilt and childish.
Obviously I am just thinking this from reading your post... but in the way she argues, and the way she expects you to wait on her hand and foot - I'm very surprised you have put up with her this long.

Moving house is really not an option. It's her attitude that needs changing. I think the other posters have made very valid points. I think counselling might help, but really it looks like you are dealing with a very stubborn lady (for whatever reason). She does need to get over it. If you and her mam are gone in the morning then she won't even be able to buy milk for the baby.

Good luck OP.

Victor

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BeardyGit

Let me tell you a little story. A friend of mine wanted to buy a house a couple of years after getting married, having pished his earnings away on rented accomodation for long enough.

Every time he tried to get the ball rolling, getting in touch with estate agents etc., his wife would say to him, "Leave it with me and I'll speak to my father about a site". For 8 years this nonsense went on, and on, and on. Never any real rows about it, but he always backed off when she threw him that same old bone about building on fathers land instead of buying in a development....And he just chewed on it. Like you're doing with this one, for years.

Eventually, this man came to his senses and decided to shock his wife into action. They headed out to Dunnes to do the shopping one Saturday morning, or so she thought, and instead ended up sitting outside a badly maintained, tiny terraced council house in a VERY, VERY rough part of Dublin, not far really from where they were renting, with a For Sale sign in the scrubland of a front yard..... "I'm thinking of buying this house...." he said..... They did the shopping, then drove to her parents place, and she arranged the site with her father. An end to 8 years of procrastination and excuses with a simple viewing of the 'shocking' alternative.

It's time to put spur this woman into action, and you know it. Why don't you do as Thaedydal had suggested right at the start, and show her the dingiest, nastiest, filthiest little dumps around your area....I mean, the grottiest corner of the worst estate close to the kids school.....And tell her she either learn to drive or you'll move the family to somewhere like that where she can walk them to school every day.

If she's half as together as you appear to be, it'll go a long way towards putting an end to this nonsense.

luckat

What's your wife getting from this, OP?

It sounds to me as if she's behaving in the way her family has always behaved - reacting to a problem by whining at it.

She probably simply does not know how to relate in any other way.

Driving is a side issue. The main thing is that she learn to relate to people around her, and to problems, in a positive and proactive way. And for this, you're going to have to drive her for a while.

If there's a good cognitive-behavioural therapist available, I would suggest that *both* of you go, separately, for therapy. You too, because you're reacting to the proffered solutions in the same way as your wife reacts to your attempts to make her drive.

People say "Could she cycle?" - you say "No, because it's too hot and there are two kids". (Here, anyway, people use childseats, tandems, child trailers, etc with bikes.)

People say "Could you move nearer to shops?" - you say "No, because the kids might change school one day".

Both of you are caught in the same vicious circle of blaming each other and whining at each other, dragging in other family members too. Amateurs on a public forum aren't going to help your marriage. Cognitive-behavioural therapy, which will help you to retrain yourselves, could help.

Glowing

You're a very patient man.

Your wife hasn't made the effort to learn to drive because she doesn't have to! Its easier to sit at home and whine about it than actually do anything, especially when you'll take her anywhere she wants.

I'd say she needs to be shocked into action - do as another poster suggested and have a chat to her about moving house (she doesn't need to know you're not serious). Don't harp on to her about learning to drive, but make it fairly obvious that life will get a lot more complicated if she doesn't. Ask her how she plans to take the young lad to school in september?

I don't think I'd do what Gil_dub suggested and give her an ultimatum - I think she needs to come to the conclusion *herself* that she really does need to learn and get some independence.

Actually, how DOES she intend to get your son to school? You should make it pretty clear that you're not going to be able to do this .....

BeardyGit

Glowing wrote:

I don't think I'd do what Gil_dub suggested and give her an ultimatum ....

I suggested he scare her with a good dose of the alternative. That's not an ultimatum, so please don't mis-quote me. Ultimatums are for unreasonable people and I think patient mans wife will be reasonable given the right incentive.

golden

Firstly, her mother does not have to give her lifts here there and everywhere as she is a adult. Everyone has got busy lives.

Your wife can step into a car that is half the battle, like the other posters have said she does require counselling and getting her confidence back up, an ultimatum would not work as this would be putting unnesscary pressure on her but perhaps you could put it in a way that she has a responsibility to her family that being yourself and your kids, perhaps that could be a good goal for her to achieve and be proud of.

I have a friend that was nearly killed in a car crash (not her fault) she was afraid initially to go into a car which is understandable. She did get counselling and did get into a car and then started to drive. If you take steps one thing at a time. Incidently, where the accident happened was near her home place so she actually drives where the accident was and yes she will never forget it but has committments like children to consider. It is a slow process but very worthwhile.

Good Luck

Glowing

And tell her she either learn to drive or you'll move the family to somewhere like that where she can walk them to school every day.

Sorry, but that sounds like an ultimatum to me!

January

An either/or situation is usually an ultimatum. Your saying either she learns to drive or you will move the family somewhere where she can walk them to school.

I say you go on holiday for a weekend/week and see how she copes without you being around, because in the unfortunate event that you aren't how will she be able to do all the things that you are doing for her now.

BeardyGit

Glowing wrote:

Sorry, but that sounds like an ultimatum to me!

You effectively rewrote my post - to shock her into action, without letting her know you're not really serious about moving and so on, and then attempt to argue with me that I'm suggesting an ultimatum? You don't have to go saying it outright, it's more about the purpose behind showing her the other houses....That should be quite obvious.

That's nothing more than a poor attempt to hijack someone elses advice and spew it out as though it was your own work. If you want to take any of this out of context, do so via PM.

OP, you get the message I'm sure, as will the majority of readers....

BeardyGit

adrieanne__x wrote:

An either/or situation is usually an ultimatum. Your saying either she learns to drive or you will move the family somewhere where she can walk them to school.

I say you go on holiday for a weekend/week and see how she copes without you being around, because in the unfortunate event that you aren't how will she be able to do all the things that you are doing for her now.

I can have either a sandwich or a bowl of soup for lunch..... She can either work at the relationship or let it fade..... You (yes, you) can drive slowly or take a chance you won't hit and kill someone when speeding. She can either drive the kids to school or move somewhere she can walk the route instead. Varying degrees in terms of how serious the consequences might be, but not one is an ultimatum. You get the point....I hope. I'm out.... :rolleyes: Good luck OP.

Edited: Typo's