Are these good reasons to feel a bit down?

LegacyUser

Hi All,
Thanks for reading & before you respond, can I just ask that you don't come back with DUMP HIM, as this will not happen & is not what I'm looking for here.
Basically, I'm just wondering if I'm right to feel a bit down about all this.

We're in our late 20's, going out nearly two years, love each other to bits, but still live at home.

We only have sex on average every 4-6 weeks, which really isn't enough in my eyes.
When we do have sex, it's so rushed that it hurts me a bit when 1st penetrates me. (Takes me a LONG time to get ready down there, & time isn't something we have much of)
He enjoys the sex when we have it, & doesn't pass up on an opportunity when we find ourselves faced with one, but the problem is:- if we found no opportunity for sex for 6 months, I honestly think he'd be fine with this!!!!! I mean WTF!!!!!!

He's also uncomfortable with certain aspects of sex, & doesn't really like putting his fingers in certain areas (never mind mouth!!!!!).
This is a major reason why I'm sore to begin with. I explained this after our last episode, so he promised he'd do it next time for my benefit.
He has never made me cum. (I don't cum from penetration, but I do from clitoral stimulation). I showed him how to do this a few months ago, but again due to time restrictions, we didn't get too into it on that night.
What really disapointed me though was that we went away for a weekend a short while after, where we'd all the time in the world & he never even made an attempt. I didn't mention it as I wanted to see if he'd use his own initiative. He didn't!! I don't believe he was being purposely selfish though.

So, my next point:- again related to the fact that we don't get much quality alone time together. I like to go away for nights / weekends together, just so we have some time to enjoy each other. I mean:- you're talking possilbe 3 times a year. I'm disappointed in that he never suggests going away, ever. It is always me, & when I do it's almost like I'm dragging him there against his will, even though we've a good time when we do go. He just never suprises me with a night away, or even suggest it.

It's my birthday shortly, & I doubt I'll get a present. I don't really mind, but again I generally suggest we go away for a night instead of getting me a present as such. Unfortunately, it's me who has to arrange my own present.
I'm not going to this time. I want to see what will happen when I say nothing, & I'm not very confident of the outcome!!!
(Bar a bottle of perfume, piece of jewellry for Xmas, he hasn't bought me any little gifts in the whole time we've been together)

He never compliments me, ever. I know he's not that comfortable with words like that, but it can get you down a bit. I don't normally dress up, so when I do:- there's a dramatic change (for the better). The whole room around us could tell me who fantastic I look. He stays silent. & at the end of the day:- it's only him I want to impress.

I'm sorry it's so long. Please note:- I'm only describing the few bad points that I feel he / we have. There are so many many good points which is why I've asked you not to reply wth the 'dump him' responses.
I know he really loves me, I'm just not sure if he fancies me.
TBH, I don't think he's really gone on the female form at all. (By that, I don't mean he's gay, I just mean I don't think he's your normal testosterone-fuelled guy, so he doesn't get as excited about naked boobies & bums as a lot of guys would)
Because of this, I KNOW he'd never cheat. But sometimes I feel that this is because he's just glad to have a nice friendly girl by his side. Once he has one, he's happy & doesn't need to look for another one, & it's not really the fact that it's ME, or that he finds ME special that makes him happy.

Again, if you've made it this far, I'm really sorry it's so long. It's just I'm feeling a little blue at the mo & just wondered if I've a right to.

Can the above be normal? Do you see much wrong with it, or am I just a little depressed & therefore more sensitive to it?

Thanks.

Beruthiel

limboland wrote:

Hi Can the above be normal?

No

Do you see much wrong with it, or am I just a little depressed & therefore more sensitive to it?

You are depressed because you are sexually frustrated by a selfish, thoughtless, insensitive man who from what I can see above, does not give a toss about you in any kind of meanful way or he'd be showing and telling you otherwise.
Actions speak louder than words OP and your man has no interest whatsoever in making sure his woman is happy to be with him.
Sorry, but unless you wish to continue on in this vain, your problems are just going to get worse, until you reach the point of no return.
I don't think I'd still be with a man after two years if he hadn't made some sort of effort to satisify me in bed and elsewhere.
He has no pride for himself and no respect for you.

TBH, I don't think he's really gone on the female form at all. (By that, I don't mean he's gay, I just mean I don't think he's your normal testosterone-fuelled guy, so he doesn't get as excited about naked boobies & bums as a lot of guys would

I have no clue what to make of that comment, other than to say, that men who are interested in women get excited at naked boobies and bums.

Marksie

limboland wrote:

Can the above be normal? Do you see much wrong with it, or am I just a little depressed & therefore more sensitive to it?

The simplest answer to that would be that the relationship is unbalanced at the sexual/physical/intimacy levels.

The question is why is he uncomfortable with aspects of sex, inexperience? shyness? or just simply cannot be bothered to learn and explore? or he has an extremely low sex drive

You began telling him what you liked and then were disappointed when he didn't do it. Did you ask him to do it or expect him to remember? So there are potential communication issues occurring here. Unless you continue to show and teach him he will continue to do nothing but think of his own pleasure.

If we combine the fact that he never compliments you, never buys you simple presents to celebrate special occasions with the fact of the above and it does seem like he is disconnected from you, does not know how to actually relate to a you. Despite your assertations that you love each other to bits I belive you are looking at a situation where it may be more one sided than you care to admit.

If you had communicated effectively to him rather than trusting it would get better you could have begun to resolve this.

The first thing that springs to mind is why is time so rushed? What is it that stops you two actually just being with each other?
Is it your time or his that is most precious?
I suspect compliance rather than equal status here, he is enjoying the status quo and really not willing to make an effort. If he truly was concerned or caring he would be doing something.

You say "dump him" is not the answer you are going to listen to. I am not going to say it, some will.
But look at your part in this, are you being effective in communicating things to him? Are you being assertive in your needs and desires?

Kell

Beruthiel wrote:

that men who are interested in women get excited at naked boobies and bums.

They dont have to be naked either.

OP- did you post something like this a few months back, again on the premise that you were NOT going to dump your BF? Just sounds extraordinarily familiar is all especially at the pain of penetration bit.

I'll roll out the same response anyway- your BF, after two years, appears not to have gotten it through his head how you want to be treated, thus rendering him either as a) thick as a plank or b) completely ignorant of how you should be treated.

This is NOT a sex issue. I cannot understand your tolerance of someone who after two years is "uncomfortable" discussing your sex life or taking your advice and helping you be happier in this area. He is in his late 20's FFS. There should be little, if anything he is not prepared to discuss.

Again. This is NOT a sex issue. This is someone who has forgone the forgiveness normally given to people who may not understand where you are coming from, however you had tried repeatedly to talk to him and he clams up. This is someone who should give you the MOST amount of time, openess and effort when it comes to something as important as this is for you, yet he does not.

He has repeatedly displayed that he has no respect for your wishes or your body. Your attempts to say that you have a great relationship otherwise is merely holding onto straws in an effort to justify his poor behaviour.

We said this to you before, but you're back looking for the same advice. I realise this now because your writing style and language is identical to the post written here a few months back.

I think this time you ARE looking for justification to dump him. Maybe? No??

K-

You have a choice - a life of miserable sex (if you even get any) and a thoughtless insensitive thick boyfriend, or dump him.
I'd say the latter.
If he hasn't copped on by now, he's not going to.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

dellas1979

Have you told him all this?

If you tell him all of the above, and then he does nothing, get rid of him (the "I dont want to dump him" thing doesnt wash with me).

You say that maybe he is in the relationship because he is comfortable:

"But sometimes I feel that this is because he's just glad to have a nice friendly girl by his side. Once he has one, he's happy & doesn't need to look for another one,"

I think that this is true for you too. I mean, how can you be with someone who doesnt give a toss about you? If he even tried to show affection, id say maybe keep trying, but you are enabling his behaviour "oh its ok, oh he's just like that". Grow a backbone for gods sake. Can you really see yourself marrying someone like this? Then you are really stuck with him.

Why have ye never thought of moving in together? Sorry but your "story" as much as I empathise with you, reeks of someone who lets other people walk all over them.

LegacyUser

I don't know Beruthiel,

I just get a feeling he's a bit clueless just, & he doesn't realise he's being insensitive, honestly.
I know it doesn't read that way though, so I understand what you're saying.

& as for the boobies / bums comment. It's not that he doesn't like them, I think he just wouldn't care as much as most.

I mean:- I love his body & take every opportunity to touch / see it. Show me a naked pic of Brat Pitt & I'd just say 'meh'
It really wouldn't do anything for me really.
I think it's a bit the same for him, only I'm questioning his interest in my body a bit now too.

Beruthiel

Limboland wrote:

II just get a feeling he's a bit clueless just, & he doesn't realise he's being insensitive, honestly.

Have you pointed the above out to him?

I love his body & take every opportunity to touch / see it.

Then I don't understand why you haven't insisted on a proper sex life, I don't me ask, I mean insist

only I'm questioning his interest in my body a bit now too.

Only now?!
I'd have been questioning that two years ago!

Kell

Kell wrote:

We said this to you before, but you're back looking for the same advice. I realise this now because your writing style and language is identical to the post written here a few months back.

Actually, you're right - this WAS posted awhile back. I remember now.
OP seriously, dump him.

Marksie

bluewolf wrote:

Actually, you're right - this WAS posted awhile back. I remember now.
OP seriously, dump him.

May have been someone else with similar problem. I remember that Thread.

OP: Was it you who posted earlier?

If it was and things haven't improved then he isn't learning and doesn't care.
you have therefore two choices.

Do nothing, accept that you will be held in slight regard for the rest of your life.

Dump him as he hasn't learned and never will.


If on the other hand if it wasn't you, then the first choice remains the same
The second choice is to stand up for yourself, take a positive if necessary fierce approach and shock the him out of his lazy attitude. you have every right to be an equal partnership not a metaphorical comfortable old sweater to be called for when needed

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

So, it's not normal:- just as I thought!!
So, I suppose I'm gonna have to have a serious chat with him, as it has been getting to me lately.

I mean:- say a typical Sunday could be as follows:- (I'll be at his house) He'll make me brekkie, squeeze me to death with a big cuddle & give me a good morning kiss.
We'll potter around for a while, he puts his arm around me, strokes my hair, kisses me on the forehead etc, every chance he gets.
Then we'll go out for dinner, go for a stroll in the park or go for a scenic drive. Again, lots of kissing, cuddling, holding hands, looking into my eyes like he'd die for me, telling me he loves me, talking about our future (i.e. marriage, family, house etc)
Later we'll go home & cuddle up in front of the telly, just chatting & teasing & tickling etc, & one thing will lead to another & things will get pretty steamy on the sofa.
(It's just it won't / can't lead to sex)

Honestly, I'm not making the above up.
Really doesn't sound like a fella who doesn't treat me well.

I admit, I'm not the best at talking to him about sex, as he almost squirms when I do (Can barely mention the word period without being told to change the subject!!!)
He is learning, though very very slowly.
Not bringing up him trying to make me cum while we were away was intentional. It wasn't long before that that we'd had the lengthy conversation about it.
I really wanted to see if he'd try without being coaxed into it, & I was right, he didn't.
That did really disappoint / sadden me.

I'm a lot more experienced in that department than he is, so sometimes I think he might be afraid to try in case he appears clueless. I don't know how I can reassure him more than I already am.

When I know he doesn't particularly like something, it's not exactly a turn on for me that he's doing it.

The last time I was a little tipsy, & again it hurt & yea, I was just frustrated at this stage, so I cried a little (partly due to pain, partly due to feeling it won't change)
I told him that I felt he didn't like to digitally stimulate me, & was that correct.
He agreed that it was.
I told him that doing that would really help me to be more ready for full penetration & therefore be a lot less painful for me.
(I had tried to tell him in som many words so many many times before, but in the end had to spell it out in black & white)
He said how sorry he was, & that it didn't matter what he liked or didn't like, that if it's what I like then he'd do it.
(We haven't had the chance for sex since, so I'm not sure how much of that was only words)
I'm afraid, that it seems his idea of what sex is, is oenetratin & that's it.
He doesn't realise that foreplay accounts for a lot of it. I'm very very very slowly showing him otherwise.

Lack of compliments can be hurtful, especially when so much effort has went into it & I know I look good. Why can't he just say???
I don't want to bring it up, cos I just feel said that I've to force them out of him, & even at that, I don't really get one.

With regards to weekends away:- he always has work on at the weekends, always has promised to do something for someone. Lying in a hotel or sitting in a pub is wasted time when he could be getting his jobs done.
Because he's so busy, he doesn't stop to think that I'm not.
I'm sure he often thinks 'we should prob go away soon', but has something on, so puts it off till next weekend, & then the next & then the next.
It isn't until I get so fed up that I just tell him we're going & I book it.
It just takes the fun out of it.

Thanks for all your comments.
I think alcohol will need to be consumed this weekend before I've the guts for this conversation!!!!

Miss Fluff

I'm not being a meanie now OP, but what is the purpose of you posting in PI? You have preempted what would be the popular response of DUMP HIM and asked people not to advise same so why the post?

Do you want reassurance that the following is fine:

• Your BF doesn't fancy you

• He never treats you
• He never buys your presents, i.e. you have to arrange your own birthday treat
• He doesn't satisfy you sexually, and makes no effort to improve things in that department.

I'm afraid it is NOT fine and to me and I'm sure to most people this is NOT acceptable. What kind of advice are you looking for? Honestly?

dellas1979

So he does pay you attention? Jaysus C*****

This post is getting more confusing by the bucket load.

From your first post, you painted the image that he never touched you! Like he'd nearly pull a disgusting face while touching you.

From what you are saying, you seem to be the one not able to communicate with him. According to him, he probably gives you all the attention you need.

If you are not happy with somethings, why dont you just tell him, rather than making it out to be this big thing?

Again, why cant ye move in together? Late 20's, going out 2 years......why not? See if it would improve the intimacy issue.

LegacyUser

Hi Miss Fluff.
No offence taken, I know you're not trying to be a meanie.

Really I just wanted to air my frustration.
It's been going round & round in my head for a while now & sometimes I've the tendency to make mountains out of molehills, so I just wanted to know if my feelings were justified really.

With the responses I've gotten, I now realise I do need to sit him down & have a serious chat, as it's not acceptable.

I'm not good at confrontation. I know there won't be any arguments & that he'll be very sorry that I'm feeling how I am, I just don't like telling someone who loves me that he's not loving me enough.


With regards to an earlier question:-
I doubt there must've been a few threads similar to this one.
I have posted a LONG time ago about our sex life being a bit dull. (Never about pain though, as this is a relatively new problem since the new-fangal excitedness has worn off)
& I've never mentioned any of the other issues here before either, as it's only recently that these have gotten to me.
(Actually no, maybe I mentioned the 'me booking the trips' before)

Thanks

LegacyUser

Dellas:- that's why I said in the OP that these were the ONLY issues, i.e. EXACTLY what was written there.

In every other way he's absolutely brilliant to me, which is why I'm not interested in hearing the 'DUMP HIM' replies.

Thinking back on all the points I've raised here:- I have mentioned ALL of these to him at least once now, (some of the more minor ones a lot more than once)

I think he just thinks I'm whining & doesn't escalate them to an actual problem until I mention them at least another 10-20 times!!!

aye

Limboland wrote:

Thanks guys.

So, it's not normal:- just as I thought!!
So, I suppose I'm gonna have to have a serious chat with him, as it has been getting to me lately.

I mean:- say a typical Sunday could be as follows:- (I'll be at his house) He'll make me brekkie, squeeze me to death with a big cuddle & give me a good morning kiss.
We'll potter around for a while, he puts his arm around me, strokes my hair, kisses me on the forehead etc, every chance he gets.
Then we'll go out for dinner, go for a stroll in the park or go for a scenic drive. Again, lots of kissing, cuddling, holding hands, looking into my eyes like he'd die for me, telling me he loves me, talking about our future (i.e. marriage, family, house etc)
Later we'll go home & cuddle up in front of the telly, just chatting & teasing & tickling etc, & one thing will lead to another & things will get pretty steamy on the sofa.
(It's just it won't / can't lead to sex)

Honestly, I'm not making the above up.
Really doesn't sound like a fella who doesn't treat me well.

sounds like a nice sunday in all fairness, why cant it lead to sex? surely you could have quickie while the parents are upstairs or something?

Limboland wrote:

I admit, I'm not the best at talking to him about sex, as he almost squirms when I do (Can barely mention the word period without being told to change the subject!!!)
He is learning, though very very slowly.
Not bringing up him trying to make me cum while we were away was intentional. It wasn't long before that that we'd had the lengthy conversation about it.
I really wanted to see if he'd try without being coaxed into it, & I was right, he didn't.
That did really disappoint / sadden me.

he is in his late 20's and squirms at hearing the word period. really he needs to mature a bit. i can't beleive on a weekend away he didnt come on to you, i'd fling a girl to the bed on a weekend away.

Limboland wrote:

The last time I was a little tipsy, & again it hurt & yea, I was just frustrated at this stage, so I cried a little (partly due to pain, partly due to feeling it won't change)
I told him that I felt he didn't like to digitally stimulate me, & was that correct.
He agreed that it was.
I told him that doing that would really help me to be more ready for full penetration & therefore be a lot less painful for me.
(I had tried to tell him in som many words so many many times before, but in the end had to spell it out in black & white)
He said how sorry he was, & that it didn't matter what he liked or didn't like, that if it's what I like then he'd do it.
(We haven't had the chance for sex since, so I'm not sure how much of that was only words)
I'm afraid, that it seems his idea of what sex is, is oenetratin & that's it.
He doesn't realise that foreplay accounts for a lot of it. I'm very very very slowly showing him otherwise.

why should you have to show him otherwise, there is a wealth of information out there on the web, in magazines, in books. why cant he take time to read this to make you happy? he seems to only care that he gets his.

Limboland wrote:

Lack of compliments can be hurtful, especially when so much effort has went into it & I know I look good. Why can't he just say???
I don't want to bring it up, cos I just feel said that I've to force them out of him, & even at that, I don't really get one.

couples should compliment each other, especially when one is dressed up for an occaion.

Limboland wrote:

With regards to weekends away:- he always has work on at the weekends, always has promised to do something for someone. Lying in a hotel or sitting in a pub is wasted time when he could be getting his jobs done.
Because he's so busy, he doesn't stop to think that I'm not.
I'm sure he often thinks 'we should prob go away soon', but has something on, so puts it off till next weekend, & then the next & then the next.
It isn't until I get so fed up that I just tell him we're going & I book it.
It just takes the fun out of it.

he always has work at the weekends, yet when you book it he can get the time off? sounds like he just doenst think about treating you to a weekend away, and you have to organise everything. i mean all this should be 50/50, you shouldn't have to do it all.


also you mentioned before you wont get anything for your birthday, sorry but thats just a disgrace and as far as i'm concerned thats not a real man you are with.

Limboland wrote:

Thanks for all your comments.
I think alcohol will need to be consumed this weekend before I've the guts for this conversation!!!!

please have the conservation in a sober state.

Higgsy

Hold on a minute folks.........

Maybe this guy in not very confident in that department and probably like most Irish guys he does not want to show it, so the easiest thing for him to do is avoid it.

Time for a frank conversation Limboland, thats for sure. If you dont, you are contributing to the situation but be careful how you approach this.

Its your birthday soon, right? Well do book some time away, make him pay for it and use the time to get all this out in the open, print this thread off and make him read it, if he cant tread it, then I would say he lacks b*lls.

You owe it to yourself to explain your situation in plain english to him. Then he needs to get over his hang ups and put a bit of effort into this.

Higs

P.S. Never mind what yer man above says, if it helps, get a few drinks into you ;-)

vandermeyde

Limboland wrote:

Thanks for all your comments.
I think alcohol will need to be consumed this weekend before I've the guts for this conversation!!!!

I think you've got to the heart of the issue right there. If you can't communicate calmly with each other about e.g. what are/aren't your turn-on's at this stage, you're in a world of trouble.

You've already said you can hardly mention the word "period" to your boyfriend without him squirming and changing the subject, that's the behaviour of a child to be honest.

nothing in your relationship should be taboo at this stage and the fact that there seems to be plenty that is, would be a worry imho.

Limboland

Limboland wrote:

I think he just thinks I'm whining

Uh huh. Not filling us with confidence, tbh.

LegacyUser

'Ah here, you're just nitpicking now Bluewolf!!!

You know how most men are about anything.

Say it once:- they didn't hear you
Say it twice:- they've heard you, but it's not important.
Say it again & again & again, & the more you say it, the more it goes up the importance scale until they actually feel it's time something was done.

It was meant as a joke with a little bt of truth in it.'

magic_murph

This is a strange one, I know when I was that age, any chance I could get to play with a woman was taken, on the train, bus, que for the Sunday papers, well maybe not that bad but youknow what I mean.
OP, what dont you just get yourself going before penetration, I am sure he will notice the difference in you actually enjoying the sex rather then winceing in pain, very a good thing, unless S&M is your thing then wince away.
as some of the previous posty suggest, I doubt it has anything to do with lack of feelings towards you as his GF but that fact that he doesnt take time out to help you enjoy your sexual relationship is just wrong, insist on no penatrative sex for a while, only hands, if hes not getting his end away he wil learn real fast. Might sound cruel but its for the greater good. You cant go on like this.
If something is broken you fix it, this is the same.

Marksie

Limboland wrote:

It's my birthday shortly, & I doubt I'll get a present. I don't really mind, but again I generally suggest we go away for a night instead of getting me a present as such. Unfortunately, it's me who has to arrange my own present.
I'm not going to this time. I want to see what will happen when I say nothing, & I'm not very confident of the outcome!!!
(Bar a bottle of perfume, piece of jewellry for Xmas, he hasn't bought me any little gifts in the whole time we've been together)

He never compliments me, ever. I know he's not that comfortable with words like that, but it can get you down a bit. I don't normally dress up, so when I do:- there's a dramatic change (for the better). The whole room around us could tell me who fantastic I look. He stays silent. & at the end of the day:- it's only him I want to impress.

First Post

Limboland wrote:

I mean:- say a typical Sunday could be as follows:- (I'll be at his house) He'll make me brekkie, squeeze me to death with a big cuddle & give me a good morning kiss.
We'll potter around for a while, he puts his arm around me, strokes my hair, kisses me on the forehead etc, every chance he gets.
Then we'll go out for dinner, go for a stroll in the park or go for a scenic drive. Again, lots of kissing, cuddling, holding hands, looking into my eyes like he'd die for me, telling me he loves me, talking about our future (i.e. marriage, family, house etc)
Later we'll go home & cuddle up in front of the telly, just chatting & teasing & tickling etc, & one thing will lead to another & things will get pretty steamy on the sofa.
(It's just it won't / can't lead to sex)

Honestly, I'm not making the above up.

Subsequent post

There is a discrepancy here.

However, point remains if he doesnt see things as a problem until you keep mentioning it then there is an issue.
But too be honest you are both in this and both responsible

LegacyUser

Where's the discrepancy?

This is exactly the situation I'm in & absolutely nowhere have I contradicted myself.

_Kaiser_

Well I know you don't want to hear this OP, but I too am really asking why you're with this guy?

I mean, you're clearly very unhappy and I know you keep saying that things are brilliant otherwise, but if it was that good you wouldn't be hear asking for advice, right?

Let's face the facts.. he's selfish, not very affectionate (although the "typical sunday morning" you described does seem at odds with the rest of what you've told us), immature (I mean there should be nothing that you can't discuss at this stage), and more interested in his career than you.

The "not enough time" bit I'm not convinced on either. If you've money to go away together, then could you not look at getting your own place, or sharing with others so that at least you would get the privacy you need?

But again I have to ask, why would you be with this guy? Would you not be better dumping him, moving on with your life and hopefully meeting someone else who DOES meet all your needs, without you practically having to beg him to change his ways?

He doesn't deserve you to be honest... dump him.

Marksie

Limboland wrote:

Where's the discrepancy?

This is exactly the situation I'm in & absolutely nowhere have I contradicted myself.

And here is the situation i find myself in.

Having given considerable thought to this thread and time in constructing posts.....

Posts to someone who had the same PI months ago and has essentially done sweet FA about things and now appears with the same set of issues.

Someone who claims they will "have a chat" with a b/friend who TBH at this stage looks like a complete tosser.

What will that achieve... absolutely nothing. Because the pair of you are in it together.

Honestly, Miss Fluff had it right... where is the issue.? You are not prepared to do anything about it.. you have already shown that. What is the POINT of people giving advice.... ANY advice .

So my situation: Dawning realisation i have just wasted my time.
Remedy: I am doing a Pontiius Pilate and washing my hands of it

dellas1979

Do you think you are OVER compensating looking for compliments off him to compensate for lack of a love life?

You think he doesnt like you cause you he never compliments you, more over, he never instigates intimacy with you.

If I was you, Id be asking the very same questions.....but Id be asking him.

I mean, if someone wants to sleep with you, that means they find you (at least) remotely attractive, right? If he doesnt instigate anything, it can seem that he is not interested, right? So you need to go off and get verification off him to still feel attractive and wanted. And now him telling you things, like on your nice sunday morning, isnt enough anymore.

Id be the very same in your shoes - insecure. But Id take it in my hands to do something about it. You dont need alcohol to sit down with him and have it out. You should have sorted this out a bit sooner in my opinion. But you have the opportunity now, so next time you post, hopefully youll say "i had it out with him and this is what he said......" it may take more than one "chat" to sort this out you know.

dellas1979

Oh right and once again, and this is the last time Ill ask, have ye ever talked about moving in together? Is there any story there??

LegacyUser

Jeez, calm down!!!!

You quoted two pieces of text that you somehow thought there was a descrepency between them.

I couldn't see any contradiction between the two & just asked you what you meant!!

I told Miss Fluff why I'm here.

Things in the sex department ARE still pretty bad, but they HAVE improved somewhat since the last time I brought it up (granted at a snails pace, perhaps)

I have also stated that I hope to have a chat to him about all this due to the reaction I've gotten here today.
I'm now certain that my feelings are justified, whereas before I wasn't.

So, I guess I've gotten from this thread what I needed.

This is really unlike you Mark, & completely uncalled for.
Perhaps you got the wrong end of the stick in the post above, but I honestly just failed to see where the discrepency was that you were trying to highlight.

sorry

Beruthiel

Limboland wrote:

I think alcohol will need to be consumed this weekend before I've the guts for this conversation!!!!

Two things.

Why exactly, after two years into a relationship, would you need the guts for this conversation?
Secondly, it is quite clear to me, that if you require drink to have a serious conversation with your b/f of two years then your relationship is non existant. I for one would take nothing seriously from someone who is drunk.

In fairness, there's a pair of ye here and this is not just your b/f's problem like you first lead us to believe.
You are as much to blame for the state of your relationship as he is.
Grow a pair girl.

LegacyUser

Sorry Dellas.

God, I'm gonna get shot for this one!!!!!!
We're saving for a mortgage, so paying rent is dead money.

I really would love to move in together, & I do think it would solve a lot of issues we're having, but our sensible side just keeps saying it'll happen soon enough, & so save the money instead.

& there's a big difference in being able to afford a few nights away in a year & forking out rent each month.

Beruthiel:- I never mentioned getting drunk. I have more confidence to talk about my feelings when I've had a couple (& by a couple I mean two), hardly gonna cause a rambling fool who's word you can't take.

Miss Fluff

Limboland wrote:

We're saving for a mortgage, so paying rent is dead money..

I'd be loath to committing to a mortgage with someone I'm not 100% sure about tbh.

dellas1979

Holy god.

Am sorry limboland (you seem really nice) but, god I dont even know what to write.........

The only thing that will be dead is your relationship!

I dont know what reaction you are going to get for doing what you are doing.

You are saving for a mortgage and yet you are in this mess? And you know this too judging from what you wrote/the way you wrote it.

Marksie

Limboland wrote:

This is really unlike you Mark, & completely uncalled for.

Then it appears you know my posts, where i generally come from and the philosophy behind it.

I attempt in PI to give balanced advice and if taken furher (PM) do the best i can for someone. All this is predicated on one thing and one thing only. That the person wants to do something about it and is prepared to do something about it.
It doesn't matter if they use the advice or not, as long as they attempt to resolve the issue.
I guess the same would go for many posters here.

In your instance six months have passed (roughly) since your first post and the snails pace improvement you have talked about is actually non existent. In fact it has been shown that it is not inexperience but laziness and yet you post back with the same issues. In other words you did not do anything meaningful about it in the first place.

It is important for you to realise that my philosophy is not about group hugs and fluffy bunnies. It allows free expression of any emotion... and right now i am going with annoyance. Annoyance that nothing effective was done, annoyance that nothing effective WILL be done.

Now i am sure you are a really lovely person i have no boubt about it. But i cannot see the point of this thread any more as you will once again do nothing or it will be minimal and slide.

As for uncalled for, well a) i was not looking at the disecrepancies but at the whole thread and
b) sometimes a really good pan of cold water over the head will make you see some sense (of course that is a metaphor for getting an acidic post from someone you least expect).

EDIT: Simple question, If you can tell me that the post was uncalled for, and it was Unlike me. Why can't you do the same to your boyfriend?

Kell

Liboland wrote:

I doubt there must've been a few threads similar to this one.
I have posted a LONG time ago about our sex life being a bit dull.

No- it was identical including the pain and being disappointed that he didnt take the initiative after you had pointed him in the right direction. Oh, and about his great body.

I have a great memory for people who just dont listen to me.

So how many other posters are you going to ignore this time?

I will say it AGAIN- what is wrong with you that you are staying with someone, who 100% of respondants have said has no amount of respect for you with this particularly touchy (or lack of) subject. What on earth are you defending this person for? Why cant you see the wood for the trees??

As someone else said, you are beginning to sound like someone who habitually lets someone walk all over you. All of the female posters here have said if they were treated as such by their partner, they would be gone, yet you are still defending him.

Why are you accepting not first, second but third best?

Now- I want you to put yourself in your best mates shoes when she comes to you and says- "john is acting up. Everytime we get down to business, it hurts. He just doesnt spend enough time down there. Then when I say it to him, he clams up and wont talk".

You- "sheesh Mary. That sounds pretty crap. He really isnt listening to you? Fúck him for a game of soldiers. Tell him to take a hike".

Lie to me. Tell me you wouldnt be urging her to do the same as we have been urging you to.

K-

Limboland

Limboland wrote:

'Ah here, you're just nitpicking now Bluewolf!!!

You know how most men are about anything.

Say it once:- they didn't hear you
Say it twice:- they've heard you, but it's not important.
Say it again & again & again, & the more you say it, the more it goes up the importance scale until they actually feel it's time something was done.

It was meant as a joke with a little bt of truth in it.'

If my bf thinks I'm whining, he tells me. If I've something remotely important to say, no matter how off-the-cuff I sound, he'll call me on it and will discuss it until it's resolved.
YOUR bf might ignore you all the time, and you might be happy with that (which I dont imagine you are given your posts here), but mine doesn't.

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

It is important for you to realise that my philosophy is not about group hugs and fluffy bunnies.

Shouldnt take things personally Mark. Thats why I became a blunt cúnt on PI's. You can molly coddle all you want, but you cant change dumb people. They just drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

marksuttonie wrote:

b) sometimes a really good pan of cold water over the head will make you see some sense

A crack in the face with the pan may be more effective in the OP's instance.

Sadly there are some out there who will not accept that they are in a poor situation until they are hospitalised or have a breakdown. You must accept these are the ones you cant help unless they come begging for help.

The OP is in the really more irritating category of asking for advice etc yet declining to see that there is anything wrong with her relationship other than this presenting issue. She wont be hospitalised. She may have a breakdown, but this is required before she starts to make progress.

I dont see that any further discussion here is required. She doesnt want advice or help at the moment, she just wants to vent. No point in repeatedly telling her "see. The door is black" if she is convinced herself that it is red. She, through some sort of re-alignment of the cerebral cortex, just has to figure out that the door is red in her own time.

K-

aye

Limboland wrote:

'
You know how most men are about anything.

Say it once:- they didn't hear you
Say it twice:- they've heard you, but it's not important.
Say it again & again & again, & the more you say it, the more it goes up the importance scale until they actually feel it's time something was done.

It was meant as a joke with a little bt of truth in it.'

dont think there is any truth in that. that depends on the person, not on men in general.
if a girl says something is bothering her, i listen, first time, not tenth time. come on!

i think you have a poor view of what men are like and hence seem to think your bf is just like the rest of us. well sorry to tell you but he isn't. not remotely.

you seem like a nice person who is getting the short straw here.
sit him down and talk to him, and if he doesnt accept the issues and try and change (at a better pace), walk away. the second you walk is the second he'll change.
i don't think you should drink any alcohol before you talk, not even one or two as you said because it still can affect people.

dellas1979

I really do hope you work things out - but it wont magically happen.

I swear, what I dont understand for the life of me, are people who tend to shove issues like this under the carpet. If ive a problem, Ill say it. No way would I put up with 2 years of feeling like this.

Also, again to remind you, only you can change things. You are the one with the mouth, who knows him and who knows the issues.

Probably according to him, everything is hunky dory.

If you have problems expressing yourself face to face, maybe write it down? and then discuss it? I'd love to hear that you talked to him and you sorted it out or at least did something about it.

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Shouldnt take things personally Mark.

Oh i didn't, believe me you would know when i did lol. The point i was making was exactly about not mollycoddling. I may encourage posters to look at themselves and explore intimacy but neither am i foolish enough to continue banging my head against a wall.

What i was saying roundabout is that i am not some zen buddha with infinite patience, if they are acting like everything is rosy in the garden when it is a disaster area AFTER advice 6 months previous then they will get told. After all I could have been rummaging around and helping someone who really wanted it (at a push i could actually have done some work).

Kell wrote:

Thats why I became a blunt cúnt on PI's.

Sorta noticed

Kell wrote:

They just drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Oh at a push i could go lower lol.

I can see possible PI developing from this in the future..guaranteed:
a) i have fallen in love with someone at work
b) i went out and got drunk and had one or several one night stands
b) i am so unhappy but have a nice house

LegacyUser

OP I am in a slightly similar situation where my boyfriend isn't
all that interested in sex, it is upsetting (I know) as you feel
unloved, unwanted etc even if thats not the case, I have spoken
to him about it a few times now and things are gradually getting
better but I still feel down about it as its not happening as quick
as I like, at least I know his reasons because I spoke to him
about it. You have to do the same, something like this eats away
and away at you, don't put it off any longer, speak to him the
next time you see him and make sure he knows how serious you are
about the whole thing, his reaction and actions afterwards will tell
you all you need to know, then at least you can move on if needs be.

SarahSassy

Sounds to me like you are trying to fit a square plug into a round hole and no pun intended

You are trying to make this fit and sound reasonable when in reality your gut is telling you its not. A wise old lady once told me to find a partner you can talk to because when you are both 80 its about all you will be able to do together - funny and mostly true.. You two cant communicate normally now and you dont have intimacy and understanding with each other. Imagine (and I would not wish this) that you were together, married, with kids and something terrible happened - how would you two cope, as a couple???? I dread to think as at this stage, after 2 years, you cant even mention the word 'period' - Jesus he would be of great use in a labour ward!!!!!

He seems emtionally stunted and you do to be honest as well. Its totally unhealthy. You have no relationship communication skills (between you) and seem to be walking on eggshells around him - is this the kind of life you want???

deisemum

I think if the relationship is like this after 2 years it doesn't bode well for the future. As for squirming when hearing the word period it beggers belief. My 11 year old son is more mature than that when it comes to discussing anything sexual.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

The jist of your posts seem to point to a man who is emotionally stunted, rather immature, completely unwilling to make any effort (I can't believe you specifically had to ask him to touch you tbh - queue the warning bells!) towards giving you sexual pleasure & you have to say things repeatedly while he accuses you of whining (even on such an important issue?)....sounds pretty glum to me.

I've never heard or experienced a man who did not make some effort towards fore/during/after play. I'm flabbergasted that you've spent 2yrs puting up with a man who cannot or will not touch you intimately. What's the point? You are saving for a mortgage so you can live with a man who can't make the effort on the weekends away you go on now. I sense an impending disaster.

You have to sit him down & talk to him. You have to be able to bare your soul if you expect to have any kind of future with this man. You have to demand that you get pleasure or neither of you do & if he'd rather go without than make the effort then I think you have your answer. For me sex is a crucial part of an adult relationship, I think it's cruel that a man you claim loves you would deliberately leave you so utterly unsatisfied. I certainly wouldn't let a man have sex with me if I knew he only had the intention of satisfying himself. :eek::(

ChRoMe

aye wrote:

why should you have to show him otherwise, there is a wealth of information out there on the web, in magazines, in books. why cant he take time to read this to make you happy? he seems to only care that he gets his.

Does anyone on boards ever read the thread they post to? The poster stated that she hasnt been able to talk to him about it. and what are you talking about that he only cares that he gets his?

He's (and by extension she) isint getting any at all?

this forum has lost the entertainement factor

Beruthiel

ChRoMe wrote:

this forum has lost the entertainement factor

This forum isn't here for your entertainment

aye

ChRoMe wrote:

Does anyone on boards ever read the thread they post to? The poster stated that she hasnt been able to talk to him about it. and what are you talking about that he only cares that he gets his?

He's (and by extension she) isint getting any at all?

this forum has lost the entertainement factor

chrome did you read the post i was replying to.
the OP said specifically "I'm afraid, that it seems his idea of what sex is, is oenetratin & that's it.He doesn't realise that foreplay accounts for a lot of it. I'm very very very slowly showing him otherwise."

my reply was based on the fact that the OP has to show him that sex isnt all about penetration and that if he cared enough about her pleasure during sex he would look up the vast amount of information available, instead of relying on the OP to show him.

do you read the thread yourself?

King of Kings

Beruthiel wrote:

This forum isn't here for your entertainment

wtf?
back to buying The Sun for Dear Deirdre for me then.

Ishindar

OP, it sounds like he is possibly embarrased and uneducted on the joys of sex. I suggest u get the "joy of sex" video/dvd series and push/manipulate him into watching them together. this will help normalise sex in his head and also educate him on the matter.