First Night "Coffee"!

LegacyUser

Boys, I need your opinion on this!

A few of us girls have been noticing that when we go on with dates with guys these days (we're all about 27 or 28), at the end of the night they ask us to come back to their place.

Now I know that boys chance their arms and I enjoy the flattery, that's fine, I don't mind being asked back ‘for a coffee’ (yeah right!) in the least. But the last couple of guys that I dated looked absolutely shocked when I declined the offer. And quite a few of my friends have had similar experiences. Now I’m no frigid chick, it's just I have no interest in going back to a guy's place on the first date or even the second. When I do decline the offer in a way that I think is not rude at all, I feel like such a loser. I haven't heard from the last two such guys even though I thought the date went really well and they spent the date saying how much they liked me.

And also I don't look like a slapper so it's not like I'm giving off vibes to guys that I'll go home with them. Nor do I try to lead them on during the date.

Have been single for the last few months and would quite like to be in a relationship now, hence no interest in one night stands. It’s just not what I’m looking for right now.

Do most guys here expect a girl on their date to go home with them? If so, what do you think of a girl who says no? Or am I overthinking this? All opinions welcome!

The Hill Billy

I'll admit that it has been a while since I was on the "dating" scene, but for what it is worth - any guy who looks shocked when a girl refuses his first-date offer of a "coffee" has a grossly over-inflated opinion of himself. (Assuming that you've not been giving him the major come-on all night.)

Any guy worth dating (while he may well chance his arm on the first date) should not & would not seriously expect a girl to be jumping into the sack with him straight away.

Bide your time OP. Don't the the coffee merchants grind you down.

Zulu

Glad you brought it up. I think I may have been that guy in the past. I'm the same age as yourself OP, and Hill Billy it has nothing to do with having a "over inflated opinion" of myself. My attitude would be, if I'm getting on with a girl very well, and we've hooked up, I'd invite her back for a drink, expecting more naturally, but not nessissarly sex. Most if not all of my friends would be the same.
We're all a bit long in the tooth, and perhaps our current society has riased our expectations, but a kiss and a promise dosen't really cut it. Perhaps we don't really expect to have a relationship out if it, or perhaps we dont hold intimacy in as high a regard as our younger selfs did, I don't know.
I might add, that if a girl did come back with me, and if we have sex, I wouldn't see her as a "slapper" - we're all a bit old for that no?

dr.bollocko

Me, I like the ladies.
I'm not a first date / one nighter kinda bloke at all.
And I tend to be much more interested in ladies that arent also.
So I guess its just a case of courses for horses.

Kell

FirstDateIssues wrote:

Do most guys here expect a girl on their date to go home with them?

No, I dont.

OP- how long were you going out with your ex for? Seems like a short period of time between relationships if you are looking for one at the moment.

I am not doing anything at the weekend. Fancy a coffee?

K-

dr.bollocko

Don't do it OP!
He is already grinding his coffee beans in anticipation!

AthAnRi

Interesting one, personally if I go on a date with a Girl I don't expect her to come back for 'coffee' or even 'tea' for that matter. But I would certainly invite her back. My opinion of her actually grows if she declines. It means shes not easy and falls into the Girlfriend material bracket.

Not sure why guys act shocked when they get turned down. Guess as already said on here that they have over inflated egos that and they probably think that they are great fellas for brining a girl to dinner.

Icequeen

dr.bollocko wrote:

Don't do it OP!
He is already grinding his coffee beans in anticipation!

That would have been alot funnier if you'd have said

He is already grinding his "beans" in anticipation!

OP don't worry about it, if thats all they were after then if you'd have went back and something had of happened then they'd have gotten what they wanted and just blanked you the next day in anyway. You're better off finding out what assholes they are from the start, consider it a filtering process and so far they've all failed the first test

cornbb

Icequeen wrote:

You're better off finding out what assholes they are from the start, consider it a filtering process and so far they've all failed the first test

Completely off the mark. I went out on a first date once. I invited the girl back for coffee. So she came back to mine and ya know what? We literally drank coffee. Then we went out for 2 years. OP, I can't tell why guys are shocked that you won't come back. I completely see why you don't cause, yeah, they're only after one thing and all that, but they're not necessarily assholes. Horses for courses, as someone else said.

Marksie

FirstDateIssues wrote:

Do most guys here expect a girl on their date to go home with them? If so, what do you think of a girl who says no? Or am I overthinking this? All opinions welcome!

Personally i don't expect someone to go home with me on the first date, and even so asking someone for coffee is just that.
If i asked someone in and they say no, it wouldnt bother me in the slightests

The Corinthian

FirstDateIssues wrote:

Now I know that boys chance their arms and I enjoy the flattery, that's fine, I don't mind being asked back ‘for a coffee’ (yeah right!) in the least. But the last couple of guys that I dated looked absolutely shocked when I declined the offer.

It has become increasingly commonplace for sex to occur on a first date, especially as you get older. It doesn't mean that it will result in a one night stand if it does, it's just that the dynamic of dating has changed. After all, twenty years ago you might have heard a similar observation to yours mooted by a woman who couldn't understand why men wouldn't wait until marriage.

This does not mean that you've priced yourself out of the market as I don't think any guy minds waiting a few dates, but if you're the type of woman who wants to wait until the 10th date to get jiggy and are over 25, then you're probably only going to get the ones who can't get anyone else. It's a simple case of supply and demand.

Zulu

AthAnRi wrote:

Not sure why guys act shocked when they get turned down. Guess as already said on here that they have over inflated egos that and they probably think that they are great fellas for brining a girl to dinner.

Clearly you didn't bother reading my post. :rolleyes:
It's amazing the attitude some people here still have towards sex. This she's a slut/he's only out for one thng is like something from 20/30 years ago. Let it go people - it's liberating and life is far more enjoyable when you do.

If you like someone, why wouldn't you want to spend more time with them? If you feel passionate, why wouldn't you to fool around?
Sex aside, I personally like falling asleep beside a hot girl, and I like waking up beside them. So why wouldn't I invite them back to mine at 4am in the morning? And if we'd been getting passionate earlier and she said no, why wouldn't I wonder why she didn't feel the same as me?

dr.bollocko

Icequeen wrote:

That would have been alot funnier if you'd have said

He is already grinding his "beans" in anticipation!

OP don't worry about it, if thats all they were after then if you'd have went back and something had of happened then they'd have gotten what they wanted and just blanked you the next day in anyway. You're better off finding out what assholes they are from the start, consider it a filtering process and so far they've all failed the first test

This is a ridiculous generalisation implying that all men are only ever after one thing. Its a last century attitude that frankly has been done to death.
Yawn.

AthAnRi

Zulu wrote:

Clearly you didn't bother reading my post. :rolleyes:
It's amazing the attitude some people here still have towards sex. This she's a slut/he's only out for one thng is like something from 20/30 years ago. Let it go people - it's liberating and life is far more enjoyable when you do.

If you like someone, why wouldn't you want to spend more time with them? If you feel passionate, why wouldn't you to fool around?
Sex aside, I personally like falling asleep beside a hot girl, and I like waking up beside them. So why wouldn't I invite them back to mine at 4am in the morning? And if we'd been getting passionate earlier and she said no, why wouldn't I wonder why she didn't feel the same as me?

Maybe I did and just ignored it as I don't neccesarily agree with what you said. Just because a girl declines a guys offer to go back to his apt doesn't mean that she is telling him to F off. Guys gotta understand that girls need to trust him completely before they put themselves in this situation and if she feels that going back to his apt is just an invitation for sex then she has every right to decline. If the guy is interested he just gotta ask her on another date. Simple as. And if you do like someone then why would you not have the patience to wait till the next date.

If you had read my post then you would also have noticed that I too would invite a girl back to my flat or whatever. And if you read the op's post you would also notice that she has no problem with guys asking her back. her problem lies when guys act all shocked when she declines.

biko

OP, if we've been on a great date and I ask you back to mine you can rest assured I don't want coffee

If we get on great I would rather say goodnight, a few kisses, and leave something for the next date, or the one after that*.

*unless it's a one-nighter

sportbilly

I think you should say yes to the coffee but make it clear that he's not getting lucky tonight if that's what you want.

yournamehere

I'm a girl. And have been asked for the "coffee" too!

Most guys smile ruefully or say well it was worth a shot and while they don't seem thrilledthat I've turned their beans down, nor are they annoyed. Main thing with early dates leave them longing for more

Nevyn

sportbilly wrote:

I think you should say yes to the coffee but make it clear that he's not getting lucky tonight if that's what you want.

Well there are several factors that play into that one.
If the person is a complete stranger and you don't know them and you had only meet them briefly before or seen them around a handful of times
then personally I would say that it depends on how much you trust them.

Mixed signals can cause for a lot of trouble and heartache esp if both parties have been drinking. You have to think of your personal safety both patries do.

Mighty_Mouse

Every bloke will chance their arm.
You're reading too much into it.

Going slightly off point here:

As a 26 year old single guy. Girls in their late 20's can be quite scary.
ie. once your ok looking, all your own teeth & anything resembling a personality its all systems go for "relationship".!

There's a difference between being open to a possible relationship versus wanting/needing one asap.
The former is grand and normal; the latter scares me into running away!

ps
Also dont try and conpensate for the above fact of life by constantly saying: "I'm sooo just not looking for anything serious at the moment" <repeatedly!!>

No man wants in on a plate either.
One text after the date to say: "enjoyed that, sure stay in touch and you might be lucky to get another" or something will do.

Then blankety blank for at least a couple of days. Let him do the chasing just a little.

Just relax and be yourself. No matter how cooky, crazy etc nobody fancies a facade. Everybody is attracted to self-confidence etc

nialo

"Coffee" and a first date.. if your comfortable and trust the person then there isnt a problem with it.. first date or not.. Its not slutty. Any ass that gets annoyed if you turn them down isnt worth the time of day. To ask is fine, to expect is arrogant, to be annoyed is just rude. You have the right to pass and it shouldnt be a problem. Patience is a virtue. If its going to happen it will...

Amandy

Icequeen wrote:

That would have been alot funnier if you'd have said

He is already grinding his "beans" in anticipation!

OP don't worry about it, if thats all they were after then if you'd have went back and something had of happened then they'd have gotten what they wanted and just blanked you the next day in anyway. You're better off finding out what assholes they are from the start, consider it a filtering process and so far they've all failed the first test

...Is this post sponsored by Nescafe?!

Kell

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Then blankety blank for at least a couple of days. Let him do the chasing just a little.

What a fúcking retarded point of view. We're supposed to chase for a while? What happened to liking what you see and going for it as opposed to fúcking around with stupid teenage games?

Sheesh. Theres a growing trend of single, good looking, thirty something women. Is it any wonder with attitudes like yours?

And Ice Queen- why would I grind my beans in anticipation? That'd only render them useless.

K-

dr.bollocko

Thats a bit harsh considering. ****ing retarded opinion? I dont think its retarded. just cos it may be different to yours doesnt mean its not valid you know. reported out of interest.

Sleepy

Maybe they're getting the impression that you're not enjoying yourself because the invite for coffee could be genuine / just be an invite for some fun that doesn't involve sex itself.

Personally speaking, I find game-playing one of the least attractive features a girl can have and if you're not going back to his for coffee, a bit of kissing or even sex itself purely because "the rules" say you're a slut if you do, I'd be put off by the fact you can't think for yourself tbh.

Spyral

to reatard is a verb which means to hold back so pleasue use semi decent english :P

When I do decline the offer in a way that I think is not rude at all, I feel like such a loser. I haven't heard from the last two such guys even though I thought the date went really well and they spent the date saying how much they liked me.

You could just say that the caffene will keep you awake so no thanks and feign innocence

Also becasue they keep saying how much they like you perhaps its how much they would like to sh*g you to bits. If they really did like you in a wholesome way theny they would agree to more dates.

And also I don't look like a slapper so it's not like I'm giving off vibes to guys that I'll go home with them. Nor do I try to lead them on during the date.

I dont mean to offend you, an a lot of girls DON'T look like slappers, but a lot of slappers dont realise that they look or act or are slappers

Kell

Spyral wrote:

to reatard is a verb which means to hold back so pleasue use semi decent english :P

Perhaps you could learn to spell before challenging my use of English.

Dr. Bollocko- I believe that people should have moved beyond "he/she should do this that and the other because of gender". I will always react swiftly and harshly to anything that is remotely stereotypical.

K-

Mighty_Mouse

What a fúcking retarded point of view. We're supposed to chase for a while? What happened to liking what you see and going for it as opposed to fúcking around with stupid teenage games

Nice.
There's a difference between games & good honest flirtation.
"Me suitable man, you suitable woman .......lets procreate"........doesnt work much outside Mayo.

Whatever about the "game-playing" etc. Fact of life for most men.
Its the chick that you need to work for a little that will attract you more. Thats my point.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

stovelid

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Then blankety blank for at least a couple of days. Let him do the chasing just a little.

Have to say that this is just game playing IMO. When I was dating, anybody that blankety blanked me for a few days got blankety blanked by me permanently for that day on, no matter how well we had got on or how she looked.

Floppybits

As someone else said on here its horses for courses. If it was me and I asked a girl back to my place for coffee and if I was refused (and boy have been refused) I wouldnt be offended. Some guys might be, why?, who knows. Just consider it a lucky escape, ask yourself how would you feel if you did go back with them and got jiggy jiggy and then they still didnt call or text again?

py2006

Another point of view here.

Ok, maybe he was just after sex but then again maybe he wasn't! Perhaps he didn't want the conversation/night to end etc.

If that was the case he probably assumed you saying "no" meant you weren't all that interested in him or that you felt you didn't enjoy the date!

If it was me I would take it that the girl isn't interested and I would have been a bit hurt by it!

It does happen you know!

vorbis

I've tried before and been refused before. I've never taken offence to it. Not having sex that night isn't going to kill me. 4 - 5 dates would be about my limit without any sex though.

_Kaiser_

Just to weigh in on the "blankety blank" approach..

Can't stand it. It's childish and game playing is one thing I've NO time for myself.
If I was out with someone and had a good night and was interested in seeing them again, I'd txt them later to say something like "hey, thanks for tonight. Had a great time. Hopefully we can do it again soon... nite".

I can't stand the theory that being honest and upfront with someone, rather than leaving them guessing for days, is somehow making it too "easy".

Zulu's post earlier gets my vote.

PS: As a guy, inviting a girl back for a coffee can be exactly that - especially if we've been having a good night up to that point anyway. Like a few others have said, I think more of a girl that doesn't just want to jump into bed on the first (or even the second or third) date anyway.

Doodee

ehh, playing mind games is just another form of dithering.
Please do not consider it flirting in any way shape or form, its a teenage idiocentric routine that doesn't work outside of this country.

If you like someone then wheres the harm in expressing it, and if someone is just looking for a one nighter then being upfront about it is far better than stringing them along and then just disappearing. and for the record it does work outside of mayo.

St Bill

If you're on a first date, the chances are you don't really know the person and you're just getting to know them. If a guy asks a girl back to his place after a first meeting, and she accepts, it's hard to know who is the more foolish. The guy doesn't know the girl and vice versa.

Now if I was asked back to someone's place, I would refuse on the grounds of my own safety. I wouldn't think much of my date for asking me back either. It's all down to common sense, and a bit of thought for the position you might be putting the other person in

Doodee

missionary no doubt

St Bill

Sexual postion posts should go in the Sexual Positions forum

King of Kings

OP
As a 29 year old single guy my humble opinion is that I'll ring you for a second date sex or no sex - if I like you and can see myself wanting to get involved with you.
The 2nd bit in italic is important. I can like a girl but know it's not gonna happen.

But any guy that gets upset about not getting first date sex deserves to be kicked to the kerb - they're doing you a favour by not ringing you back.

certainly sex on the first night isn't a problem for me in that i don't view the girl any different for it unlike some of the other posters here. But they seem to be stuck in the dark ages tbh.

you have to learn to dangle the bait just enough to wet their appetite for a second date
if you do it right in the teasing way they won't be totally shocked

_Kaiser_

You can make a guy/girl want to see you again without the need for teasing/game playing though. How about just being upfront with him/her instead.

Saves a lot of the "will he/she call" or "does he/she like me" guesswork.

CrazyPJ

Personally I like the chase and anticipation so I like a woman to be a bit reserved. Makes em more sexy in my eyes.

PJ

Talliesin

My one hard and fast rule about sex on a first date would be to run like hell from anyone who's judgemental about it in either direction. They'd be far to headwrecking to date on any long term basis, and a one-nighter is out because I've standards about those too.

I will add also though that I have brought people back for coffee and then proceeded to make them a decent cup of coffee and chat with them. This is all the more reasonable a decision given that the few places in Dublin that used to be open late where you could have a chat and some coffee have either closed or reduced their hours.

Hence I would personally recommend that if anyone looks shocked that you don't want to go back to their place for coffee you should ascertain if he is perhaps shocked that you took his offer of coffee and conversation up the wrong way. If he did mean sex and is shocked that you didn't want to have sex then he's a judgemental twat and you should avoid him from then on. Conversely if you invite someone around for sex after a first date with him and he's shocked then he's also a judgemental twat and you should avoid him from then on.

LegacyUser

I posted my question as the OP a couple of days ago and the responses have given me lots of food for thought. I even have to give Kell some credit re his coffee invitation. Gold Blend darling?

Sometimes on boards there is a sort of dichotomy where all the girls tend to go ‘yes, never respect a guy who wants to shag you on the first date’ and the boys go ‘aw chill out’ and the whole thread takes on a Go Ricki, Go Ricki sort of vibe. But this time is seems quite balanced with a lot of guys and girls sharing similar opinions.

By the way, in response to some posters, the guys I dated were definitely was looking for more than coffee, and I don’t just mean coffee with milk but I take the point that they may not have been looking for sex per se.

Zulu wrote:

It's amazing the attitude some people here still have towards sex. This she's a slut/he's only out for one thng is like something from 20/30 years ago. Let it go people - it's liberating and life is far more enjoyable when you do.

If you like someone, why wouldn't you want to spend more time with them? If you feel passionate, why wouldn't you to fool around?

Your post made me wonder if I do need to be a bit more liberated. It's not (and I state this emphatically) that I think that anyone who shags on the first date is a slut, but I suppose that whatever has made me into the person I am today is just not drawn to being intimate with someone I don't know. Does that make me abnormal?

The Corinthian wrote:

It has become increasingly commonplace for sex to occur on a first date, especially as you get older. It doesn't mean that it will result in a one night stand if it does, it's just that the dynamic of dating has changed. After all, twenty years ago you might have heard a similar observation to yours mooted by a woman who couldn't understand why men wouldn't wait until marriage.

I think Corinthian that you're spot on and maybe this is what I was pondering when I first wrote the opening question. The dynamics of dating have changed substantially and caught me unawares. I think I've woken up now.

The fantastic irony is that the spam question I have to answer to get my thread posted now is "what white liquid do you put in your tea"!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote:

Maybe they're getting the impression that you're not enjoying yourself because the invite for coffee could be genuine / just be an invite for some fun that doesn't involve sex itself.

Personally speaking, I find game-playing one of the least attractive features a girl can have and if you're not going back to his for coffee, a bit of kissing or even sex itself purely because "the rules" say you're a slut if you do, I'd be put off by the fact you can't think for yourself tbh.

Well said sleepy, If I get on really well with a girl I will want to continue the evenings fun well into the night and that doesn't have to mean sex. I'm much more attracted to a girl who will break or bend the "rules" as it shows character and strength.

I feel that girls who follow a strict dating game to acquire a relationship can be weak and empty.

Also, is it just me or do some guys suppress their raw desires in an effort to be a "nice" guy. Life is for living not pretending.

LegacyUser

Why not flip it on its head? Suppose they didn't ask you back for coffee, after a good date and maybe flirting. Would you not then wonder what was wrong with you that they didn't invite you back for coffee, or if they looked relieved when you said no?

There is no point obsessing about this point, because if they just ask you and you just say no, neither person knows the other's reasons.

As was said earlier, he might just want to chat some more or perhaps they don't like kissing in public. She, on the other hand, may have a variety of reasons to say no - too soon, not comfortable, don't like them, early start in the morning, etc.

So I say if asked you should say why you are declining, and if you are asking try to make it clear what your intentions are (without leering of course).

I also think it is quite different depending on whether you have gone out for an arranged night out e.g. dinner etc, or if you have just met that night in the pub and are roaming the streets looking for more booze.