Untitled

--- mainly because I can't think of a title for it. Here's a poem I wrote today.. enjoy:) Comments and/or criticism please:)

A new day awakens with a smile.
A shared pillow rests our head;
face-to-face, feet-to-feet.
Our lips meet and we kiss;
so softly yet so passionate
No words spoken; there is no need -
A smile, a look, a kiss speaks volumes.
We lay in comfortable silence,
our breathing synchronised, our lips entwined
Hell itself cannot rid us of its tranquility
our own blanketed Heaven

lemansky

I hate poetry.I despise it.But that was REALLY good!:D As i say i don't like poetry so that probably doesn't mean anything to you but i did find it good.It wasn't boring, full to the brim of images that take ages to grasp, or depressing! My opinion on these things doesn't mean much but there you go!

Peyton Manning

If I had written that poem, Id rate lemansky's review over anything a critic would write. To reach someone who doesnt like poetry is quite an achievement - but why were you in the poetry forum lemansky :P

I liked it. Very simple, last line is my favourite and it has a nice easy flow. Good post.

lemansky

Archimedes wrote:

If I had written that poem, Id rate lemansky's review over anything a critic would write. To reach someone who doesnt like poetry is quite an achievement - but why were you in the poetry forum lemansky :P

I liked it. Very simple, last line is my favourite and it has a nice easy flow. Good post.

Well I'll be honest-I clicked on 'new posts' and saw this one.....there was no indication as to what it was(take a look!)and it seemed mysterious so i said 'hey I'll take a look'.I found the poem and read it as I was there anyway!I may glance around here more often:)

lemansky

lemansky wrote:

I hate poetry.I despise it.But that was REALLY good!:D As i say i don't like poetry so that probably doesn't mean anything to you but i did find it good.It wasn't boring, full to the brim of images that take ages to grasp, or depressing! My opinion on these things doesn't mean much but there you go!

Thanks That's actually really nice of you.

I liked it. Very simple, last line is my favourite and it has a nice easy flow. Good post.

Thank you too. Both really nice comments.

smcgiff

There may be hope for the poetry on this site after all. Keep it up!

Jonesy3110

synchrised? Do you mean synchronised? You should send this poem to hallmark....i think its cheese. If I kissed my bf first thing in the morning I'd pass out from the smell of his breath. Oh and I think you should come up with a title, it's cliched and pretentious to call it "untitled", and I think your poem isn't artsy enough for it.

Jonesy3110

Jonesy3110 wrote:

synchrised? Do you mean synchronised? You should send this poem to hallmark....i think its cheese. If I kissed my bf first thing in the morning I'd pass out from the smell of his breath. Oh and I think you should come up with a title, it's cliched and pretentious to call it "untitled", and I think your poem isn't artsy enough for it.

Hah.

Well, lets see.. I left out an 'o' which is an easy typo. I don't care about my girlfriends morning breath. There's no better way to start the day than giving her a kiss the second you wake up.

As for the title, I am useless at coming up with them. I called it 'untitled' for this fact. Nothing artsy about it. Just my own inability. The cheese-aspect. It's a love poem about someone I care for dearly and truely. Of course its going to be cheese/

Jonesy3110

..and an n :P Im not trying to insult you, I just believe criticism is more valuble than praise, and if you can come up with a whole poem, you should be able to come up with a title? I was a bit harsh I suppose, it is a sweet love poem, but not much else. Just my opinion.

Jonesy3110

Oh and if it's any consolation - I liked A Winter's Walk, a nice traditional well written TITLED poem

Jonesy3110

Jonesy3110 wrote:

..and an n :P Im not trying to insult you, I just believe criticism is more valuble than praise, and if you can come up with a whole poem, you should be able to come up with a title? I was a bit harsh I suppose, it is a sweet love poem, but not much else. Just my opinion.

I value criticism.

Thank god for Proof Readers, I'll say that much. Unfortunately I can't change it myself, which is something I really think they should change on this forum.

Titles are a hard thing for me. A title has to be good and grab the readers attention from the onset. Unfortunately the best I could come up with was, "Morning Love" and decided to just leave it as untitled as it was just so much easier .. I'm a lazy writer. Hah.

Jonesy3110

Lol funny, I read it and thought "he should call it "morning love" or "morning kiss" or something :P

Sarky

*changes spelling of "synchronised"*

You just have to ask, you know.

Sarky

Sarky wrote:

*changes spelling of "synchronised"*

You just have to ask, you know.

I didn't even realise it was a typo until it was pointed out actually. Hah.

Jonesy3110

Deleted User wrote:

I didn't even realise it was a typo until it was pointed out actually. Hah.

Maybe you could try typing it into a word processing programme first, then cut and paste into your post?

shiv

I like the mood and sentiment. And the last line is the best.