ex back on scene

LegacyUser

been going out with my gf for about 5months, im 21, shes 20.

things going great ect.
few days ago she says she has something to tell me that im not going to like.
so she tells me her ex that she went out with for 14 months would like to meet up. he sent a txt. she replied with she was busy and wud let him know.

he broke up with her and they havent spoken in over a year. and she was hurt over it badly.

she says she wanted to tell me about it first to see how i felt and only go if i thought it was okay. so that tells me right there she wants to go, as she mentioned it wud just be an hour at the weekend somewhere if she went.

i didnt react well, i said i wasnt gonna tell her what do to as i dont own her, i asked her why she wanted to see him and the reply was curiosity to see what he wanted and she didnt know why. i also asked what she wanted to get out of meeting up with him and again, she didnt have an answer.

she got a bit upset when i stopped talking and said a few times to forget about it since it was upseting me. I just said i need to think it out more cos i wasnt happy he was wanting to meet up and also for her not knowing why she wants to meet up with him in the first place.

i suppose her lack of an answer is really whats getting to me to why she wants to go after she has my nod....

id like some opinions on this cos i dont think i feel very happy with it and i think im hurt over it to why she wud want to meet up with him.

thanks

Ishindar

the ex guy broke up with her. in her mind she may not completely understand why and may have a slight insecurity in her mind because of this. its likely she may be hoping to understand this better after meeting him again. she may not completely realise this herself hence having difficulty communicating it to u.

LegacyUser

she had a run in with him a couple of months after the breakup and made her feelings known.

i just dont know what to think about it or what to say next, if i say im not comfortable with it, will she hold it against me?

or shud i just let it happen and find out from her what he wanted, i just dont know.

SarahSassy

Firstly I am on your side but secondly you dont own her..... She can meet who she wants and she was fair in asking you if it bothered you before making arrangements. In saying that I think her suggestion was only lip service as I think she will meet him anyway. I assume he wants to get back with her so be prepared for that.

You need to play it cool meaning you should come across as trusting of her and that you are confident in your relationship. Dont start getting petty, anxious and clingy. This does put women off. Tell her how much you care for her and you are available to talk after she meets him if she needs to...

You need to bear in mind that the ex will probably still have some 'allure' for her. Maybe he is 'the one that got away' but its VERY likely that once she sees him again she will recognise his faults and see why they broke up in the first place. She may also be confused for a few days but I suggest staying close to her own this time but not asking about him every 5 minutes. Its acceptable to find out what they talked about but dont keep going on about it.

This is not a nice place to be but if you start acting nuts it will cause a rift between you and your GF and you will be playing into his hands.

kenzie

Unreg998765 wrote:

he broke up with her and they havent spoken in over a year. and she was hurt over it badly

I think this is probably why she is considering meeting him. This man has hurt her badly and she probably just wants some answers. However as another poster said her ex may have other intentions.

If u trust your girlfriend I wouldn't stop her seeing him- as you have no right to do so. I don't think you would tell her straight out not to, but your obviously making her feel bad about considering meeting him if she said she would forget it which I don't think is fair on her.

Once being in your girlfriend's situation I met up with my ex, not because I had any feelings for him, but because I wanted answers to things that would probably still be eating away at me if I hadn't have talked to him.

I know this must be really tough on you but in my opinion the fact that she told you and is willing not to meet him for your sake, tells me you have nothing to worry about.

The Corinthian

From your description, my guess is that she may be over him. Even if she does suddenly find all those old feelings flooding back, these tend to be temporary and as long as she does not act upon them, there shouldn’t be a problem. The ex on the other hand may be trying something.

Thus the only danger is in such situations is where they may meet up and a drink becomes five or six or more, late into the night, and then those old feelings end up mixing with alcohol with disastrous results.

So I’d suggest that there’s no problem with her meeting him, but arrange it in such a way that she meets him for coffee or a drink in the afternoon / early evening and you will meet her on later the same day for dinner or some other activity. This will avoid the above scenario and will also send a message to the ex that she’s with someone else.

SarahSassy

The Corinthian wrote:

but arrange it in such a way that she meets him for coffee or a drink in the afternoon / early evening and you will meet her on later the same day for dinner or some other activity. This will avoid the above scenario and will also send a message to the ex that she’s with someone else.

This is really good advice but dont let her know what you are up to or she may feel like you are trying to control her.

LegacyUser

'thanks for the replies, im feeling a bit better. its certainly its not a nice situation to be in thats for sure.

other stuff thats bothering me is that she texted him for his birthday after they broke up and before we were together and he never responded to her.

but now this sudden out of the blue text from him has spurred her interest in meeting him, i asked her what she would like to get from the meet and she didnt have an answer for me, she said she didnt even know what they would talk about..

that she wouldnt bring up the breakup unless he did, i dunno did she say this being upset or what, but the fact she says she dosent know why she wants to meet him is whats hurting me.

so say they meet up and get on and start to arrange meeting up more as "friends", that would rip me apart i know it.

I trust her, i just dont trust the ex.

argh.'

LegacyUser

'

SarahSassy wrote:

This is really good advice but dont let her know what you are up to or she may feel like you are trying to control her.

one of the things she mentioned was if she did meet him that she would do it at the weekend for an hour and then she said she would meet me afterwards.'

SarahSassy

I think you are pretty safe so but stay wise to him..... He is not meeting her to chit-chat.

davyjose

She probably just wants closure, man. She's now happy in a relationship with you and she wants him to see that. there's a lot of history there and she wants him to see that she's over it. Probably a bit of innocent curiosity too.
I'm in a very happy relationship a couple of months now, and the other night I texted my ex for the first time in a long time. It was, I dunno ... refreshing to be able to speak to her feeling how I did.

LegacyUser

'had a talk to her and i said i knew she had a past, but it was a past, and what was making me upset was why she wanted to open that can of worms with no idea to why she wanted to.

i asked what she wanted to gain from it again, i said i cared for her so much and trusted her implicitly but she is her own person.

i said she did the right thing telling me in the first place and nothing was her fault but that it did feel unfair to me making it feel like i was shaping her decision when all i wanted to know was her reasons for wanting to meet up, to which i didnt get. i trust her, i dont trust the ex out of the blue like this.

she said she could see where i was coming from and she was going to steer clear of 'that' can of worms like she had been for the past year, and that it wasnt a big deal.

now im pissed off because its made it seem like i was the deciding factor and i wud be better off if i just said to her to go for it even tho she dosent know why she wants to and its pissing me off no end.

argh, have i handled this badly, its such an aqward situation to be in and i know im not posessive or controling to her.'

Chinafoot

Unreg998765 wrote:

I trust her, i just dont trust the ex.

And if you trust her then there really is nothing to worry about. He can't force her to cheat on you. Your lack of trust in him is irrelevant.

LegacyUser

'

davyjose wrote:

She probably just wants closure, man. She's now happy in a relationship with you and she wants him to see that. there's a lot of history there and she wants him to see that she's over it. Probably a bit of innocent curiosity too.
I'm in a very happy relationship a couple of months now, and the other night I texted my ex for the first time in a long time. It was, I dunno ... refreshing to be able to speak to her feeling how I did.

if she wanted closure wouldnt she surly know this herself though..? and be able to convey it to me? it would make things easier to swallow.'

SarahSassy

So you came on to the boards to look for advice, people including myself took the time to give it to you and you ignored it all.....

Now are you back on asking us to reply to you again.... I hope for your sake that you won the battle and the war with your last conversation with her. Good luck.

Chinafoot

Unreg998765 wrote:

'

if she wanted closure wouldnt she surly know this herself though..? and be able to convey it to me? it would make things easier to swallow.'

She went out with him for 14 months. She went out with him before she got with you. She was dumped and hurt over what happened. If she wants to see him then it's up to her. The more upset and controlling you get over this the more chance there is of you pushing her away.

Maybe this is just something she has to do for herself. Like others have mentioned maybe it is closure that she needs. Maybe she just genuinely doesn't know. Maybe it's honestly curiosity on her part like she said.

She spent over a year of her life with this guy and it's unfair for you to expect her to never want to speak to or see him again just because it makes you insecure. Thats your problem tbh.

kenzie

SarahSassy wrote:

So you came on to the boards to look for advice, people including myself took the time to give it to you and you ignored it

Ok maybe i'm missing something here but whatadvise did he ignore? From the OP's last post he seemed to have a rational conversation with his girlfriend and he now feels guilty for maybe influencing her decision. I Honestly don't see where your coming from Sarah!

OP when I read your first post, I got the feeling you may be over reacting and that your girlfriend just wanted some closure. However you said your girlfriend was not going to bring up the break up if he didn't so I can now see where your concerns were coming from and that you had some reason to be upset. I don't think you should feel guilty though if you told her what you said you did in your last post.

SarahSassy

Unreg998765 wrote:

' if she wanted closure wouldnt she surly know this herself though..? and be able to convey it to me? it would make things easier to swallow.'

He was advised to trust her, not to push it and not to come across as him telling her not to see the ex.... In fact most people thought he was safe enough and could trust her but now he is the reason she is not meeting her ex.

From my perspective and reading between the lines he forced her hand, she now is saying she wont go and he is still not happy.... He has won the battle so to speak but he still wants answers as to to why she considered meeting him??? Because he asked her and she is perfectly entitled to.... I am friends with a few of my ex's and no BF would stop me seeing them because he is insecure. It would be a serious red flag for me....

I hope it does no damage to the relationship.