Friends Ex

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have started chatting with a friends ex.

She is part of friends group, and friend did the breaking etc.

The thing is we are getting on very well, met up regularly etc.


Now the question is if I make a move to see if there is anything there etc.. Is this a really bad thing to do? i.e. Are all friends ex's off limit etc....

friends-ex-q

SarahSassy

Ask your friend before you do anything... If they have no problem then see how it goes. If they do then stay away.

Cancer-chick

OP this is always a tricky one esp with lads

You will have to broach the subject with your mate or risk a split in the group (Have seen this happen many times) and tbh i would think carefully if this girl is worth taking that risk for because even if he says he ok with it ... Generally its one of lifes no-no's

melekalikimaka

tis pretty bad thing to even think bout... personal feelings for her aside she's be 'damaged goods' in my books

Jumpy

Hell no. Untouchable. Stay well away.

D-Generate

Its an official guy rule that you can't go out with a friends ex or their sister.

Seraphina

melekalikimaka wrote:

'damaged goods'

isn't that pretty insulting? i would be disgusted at any guy that regarded me as 'damaged goods' just because i'd been out with someone before.

OP it really depends on your age group, how serious the relationship was, how close a friend you are etc.
best option, talk to the lad in question.

humbert

Seraphina wrote:

OP it really depends on your age group, how serious the relationship was, how close a friend you are etc.
best option, talk to the lad in question.

That's about the height of it but if in doubt then don't. Personally if a friend went out with someone I'd been in love with I'd hunt them down.

SarahSassy

Seraphina wrote:

isn't that pretty insulting? i would be disgusted at any guy that regarded me as 'damaged goods' just because i'd been out with someone before.QUOTE]

I totally agree and from a moderator.... Why was he/she not reprimanded for being 'offthread' :mad:

Chinafoot

SarahSassy wrote:

I totally agree and from a moderator.... Why was he/she not reprimanded for being 'offthread' :mad:

Uhm because he wasn't. He gave his opinion and what he would do, or wouldn't do as the case may be.

I agree with Seraphina though. The only one who can answer the OP's question is the friend in question.

Peyton Manning

Sorry, this girl is out of bounds. Theres a reason rules were put in place..

melekalikimaka

Seraphina wrote:

I totally agree and from a moderator.... Why was he/she not reprimanded for being 'offthread' :mad:

it wasn't offthreading, its very on topic, thats the reasons i feel it unacceptable to be with a friends ex.

Sassysarah didn't quite get the jist of my message, i didn't say any girl was damaged goods, merely one who was with a friend of mine, i don't see how any girl would be offended by that, unless it was a friend of an ex of mine, and in that case, it should be understood that its nothing personal, she's damaged good as a result of her previous relationship and should accept my opinion of it

dudara

Sarahsassy, the poster who made that comment was not offtopic. Please leave the moderating of this forum to the moderators. Feel free to raise any grievances that you may have with any of us via PM or through the Feedback forum. But please, do not do it in threads in this forum.

dudara

mloc

melekalikimaka wrote:

tis pretty bad thing to even think bout... personal feelings for her aside she's be 'damaged goods' in my books

QFT.

Completely out of bounds. I suppose it depends on how serious they were or if you want to piss your friend off. Pecking order, and all that.

the_syco

Seraphina wrote:

isn't that pretty insulting? i would be disgusted at any guy that regarded me as 'damaged goods' just because i'd been out with someone before.

She's "damaged goods" as she's the ex of a mate. Many people wouldn't give a toss who she slept with before, but if it was an ex of a friend, they wouldn't touch her.

=-=

OP: how long has it been since they broke up? Sometimes after a few weeks it may be ok (if he doesn't mind), but getting it on a few days after the breakup will look suspicious.

Also, ensure she's not doing it to mindf*ck him, by screwing his mate. Guys and girls have done this to get back at the ex.

aye

D-Generate wrote:

Its an official guy rule that you can't go out with a friends ex or their sister.

this is bull.
it is a rule, but if you really have feelings for the girl, and talk to the friend first it should be ok. i know my friends wouldnt want to kiss their sister behind their back, if iwas up front about it tho they'd be ok with it.

look talk to your friend and see what he says. but be aware that it might be difficult for him to say no to you, cos it would be like saying he still has feelings for her. dont ask any mutual friends you have with this guy, keep it between you and him til you get your answer from him.

aye

melekalikimaka wrote:

tis pretty bad thing to even think bout... personal feelings for her aside she's be 'damaged goods' in my books

thats a ridiculous comment that doesnt help the OP and only show what an sap you are melekalikimaka.

melekalikimaka

aye wrote:

thats a ridiculous comment that doesnt help the OP and only show what an sap you are melekalikimaka.

how exactly is it ridiculous? read the op

friends -ex-q wrote:

Now the question is if I make a move to see if there is anything there etc.. Is this a really bad thing to do? i.e. Are all friends ex's off limit etc....

personal opinion and experience would be how most would reply to this, as i did, just beacuse everyone doesnt agree doesnt make me a sap. from your sanppy response your either a friends ex or dating one, if so i apologise for my choice of words i mean it merely figuratively not literally.

Beruthiel

aye wrote:

thats a ridiculous comment that doesnt help the OP and only show what an sap you are melekalikimaka.

aye
It is quite clear that not only have you not read this forums Charter, but you decided to ignore one of this forums Mods above.
Consider this your one and only warning.
B

Kell

Depends on how long they have been apart.

Unwritten/written rules? Bollóx. It depends on how grown up in the head your mate is. If the split was an agreeable one, your mate shouldnt have an issue. Your not betraying him or going behind his back.

You have to remember, you're grown adults (I think). You dont need anyone's permission to tell you who you can and cant see. Again, time dependant, if your mate cant handle it then tough. His problem. It doesnt have to be yours.

K-

Otacon

I was the friend in a situation like this and though I didn't have any feelings towards the girl anymore, it was pretty sh*tty what my friend did. We're friends again but at the time, I felt like ripping him open!

OP we don't know the whole situation but as a general rule, I tend to stick to the belief that one should respect a friend's past relationship enough to ask for their opinion on it and, even after that, still tread carefully by not flaunting your new relationship around.

Mr. CooL ICE

Otacon wrote:

I was the friend in a situation like this and though I didn't have any feelings towards the girl anymore, it was pretty sh*tty what my friend did. We're friends again but at the time, I felt like ripping him open!

OP we don't know the whole situation but as a general rule, I tend to stick to the belief that one should respect a friend's past relationship enough to ask for their opinion on it and, even after that, still tread carefully by not flaunting your new relationship around.

Agree totally with Otacon. I too was in a situation as the friend in question. I had broken up with the girl over 6 months previously, and it was mutual as we both realised we had no feelings for each other, but the way my friend went about pursuing her was worthy of a few punches IMO.

One night in the pub, he was talking to her and I didn't take any notice. It was approaching closing time, and he came over and asked me if I was going to the nightclub, to which I decided not to (hate nightclubs), but a few minutes later another friend convinced me to. So in I walked into the nightclub, and first thing I saw was my friend and my ex together. I wasn't exactly furious, just extremely disappointed and felt let down by my friend, as he has always been the most level-headed and sensible of all my friends, and the least likely to do this. He came up to me once he realised I had seen him, and said that if this meant jeopardising our friendship, he would never see her again. I quizzed him, said it was okay as long as he gave me his assurance that it was serious and not just a bit of fun for him.

If he had asked me beforehand, or if he got unconsciously drunk and did it, I wouldn't have minded, but he purposefully went behind my back and did it. 2 months on and I am making an effort to be cool, but I can't look at him the same way and still feel contempt, and am still not sure if I did the right thing or not.

edanto

OP, I think you should just have a chat with your mate about it. Maybe just saying something like you're thinking of taking her out, but were thinking about how it would make him feel. This is assuming that a few months have passed since they broke up and that they're not mortal enemies.

If there's any bad blood between them, then it could hurt your mate.

I've been in this situation once, a girl I broke up with started seeing a mate. Not a bloke that I'm awful close with, but while it was a surprise to hear through friends what was going on, I didn't really mind.

Now, afaik, things are still going well with the two of them and I'm delighted for them. It wasn't gonna grow between me and her and if the two of them are happy together, then what's wrong with that? It's all good.

Rules like people are talking about above are similar to some laws, in that they're more 'recommendations'.

LegacyUser

I will not do anything, I'll just be friends, I do no want to be nasty, they broke up about 5 months ago btw.

Regards,

friends-ex-q