should i suggest sleeping with other people

LegacyUser

Hi all

I was sitting here reading through the other threads when i came accross one that dealt with a guy who is in love with his girlfriend of 4 years and doent want to hurt her; but finds himself looking at other women all the time and feels powerful urges to have sex with them. Well i'm in the same boat.

I love my girlfriend, more than anything, and i would never hurt her. We have a very good sex life, and she is great in bed. she can be loving and tender, rough and dirty, sexy and coy, subby and the one in charge and so on. She is comfortable sexually and has an open mind to experimentation in the bed room.

But i constantly want to sleep with other women. I have tried cyber sex and have have met other women on webcam and that has been fun, but i would like some more.

So, my question. I would love to be able to have sex with other women, and i would love to get into having group sex and swinging and so on. I was hoping that there might be some people in this forum that could give me some advice. Has anyone been in this situation? Has anyone else made these suggestions to the one they love. This could end disastrously,or perfectly, and i would not like to put my entire relationship in jeapardy; so i was hoping i could get a feel for what peoples attitudes are to relationships and having sex with other people.

Cheers

....

BoozyBabe

.......... wrote:

Hi all


I love my girlfriend, more than anything, and i would never hurt her. We have a very good sex life, and she is great in bed.

.........

I have tried cyber sex and have have met other women on webcam and that has been fun, but i would like some more.

.........

i would not like to put my entire relationship in jeapardy....

So, if your gf read the middle sentence, do you not think it would cause what you said in the first line & lead to what you said in the 3rd sentence.

If you were my bf you'd be so dumped!!!!!

You can ask her. Maybe she's into that, but I doubt it.

If you want to shag other women, then do so, but leave your gf first!!

seamus

There are few straight men alive, who don't look at other women and find them desirable. That doesn't mean that you should try to have sex with them, or more that you *need* to have sex with them. It's just lust, nothing more. We all have to deal with it.

Do you actually want to "swing" or do you just want to have sex with other women? Swinging is fine, but how would you react to watching your girlfriend get hammered by some guy, or watching a small line of men form to take turns on her? If you're just looking to have sex with other women, and want to "open" your relationship, then how would you react if your girlfriend starts shagging everything around her? How would you feel if you knew she was getting more action from other people than from you?

Swinging and group sex are fine, if that's something you're both into, and your relationship is solid. So too for open "relationships". However, you don't strike me as anything more than a guy who was trouble distinguishing the desires of his little general from the desires of his head.

LegacyUser

yes i tould hurt her if she found out that i had gone online and met women on cam. i wouldnt be dumped, but i reckon it mighht put my relationship in jeapardy by introducing an element of uncertainty or insecurity.

I love my gf and her only, sexually and also as my best friend. this is the worry, this is the reason i have kept these urges to myself, because i dont want to jeapardise my relationship.

has anyone any experience in this type of situation?

Mr. Incognito

I think you should split with your girlfriend. You don't deserve her. Fact.

BeardyGit

BoozyBabe wrote:

So, if your gf read the middle sentence, do you not think it would cause what you said in the first line & lead to what you said in the 3rd sentence.

If you were my bf you'd be so dumped!!!!!

You can ask her. Maybe she's into that, but I doubt it.

If you want to shag other women, then do so, but leave your gf first!!

There are plenty of couples who have very successful open relationships....And plenty who have faltered at the slightest hint of wanting to start one I'm sure.

Looks to me like you've already weighed up the pro's and con's, and have progressed past the point of this being mere fantasy anyway, so I'm not really sure what you want from us. Do you want us to convince you it's not worth the risk? Or do you want encouragement to go and ask her?

Lynfo

I have to say, if my bf told me he wanted sex with other women i would tell him to go do it, and dont ever come back.

There are women who enjoy open relationships, swinging etc. but imo most women prefer a monogomous relationship.

You say you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, i think you already have. How do you think she will feel when you tell her you've had cyber sex? Most women I know would go nuts if they found so much as a playboy mag in their house. You have to be very careful here, if you want to keep your girlfriend, and you think she's not into the group sex thing, then you need to either call it a day on the relationship, or call it a day on the group sex.

You sound to me like you are addicted to sex - this is not intended to hurt you, but perhaps you need to look into that more. If you are constantly thinking of having sex with women other than your girlfriend, then I would recommend seeking help.

Wibbs

SetantaL wrote:

I think you should split with your girlfriend. You don't deserve her. Fact.

Brilliant deduction with limited information of the nature of the rest of their relationship. :rolleyes:

Gil_Dub puts the point well. What are you looking for here?

You know it would hurt her so you have a couple of choices. Leave her, have affairs or hope she comes around to your way of thinking.

One other choice; keep it in your pants. Resist the urges and if you meant what you said about her being the only one for you and apparently amazing in bed then it should be easy if you grow a pair.

I notice you didn't answer seamus' question about whether you would mind if she "swung" with other men.

LegacyUser

'ok.. well first in relation to Seamus and Wibbs question, would i be ok with my girlfriend sleeping with other men? i would be fine, i would have to be there and involved so that i knew what she was doing, but i thinnk i would be fine with it.

as a reply to Gil_Dub, who asked what it is that i want from this post, well i am getting exactly what i hoped for. a good idea of how people react to this kind of thing.

Some of you have had an immediate shotgun reaction and consider me undeserving of my relationship because of my sexual desires. Fair enough but you must understand that i have an excellent relationship and i make my girlfriend very happy.

Others feel that i am just thinking with my little general, that i am addicted to sex. Maybe some truth, but i think most men are addicted to sex to some degree or another.

Some feel that i need to grow a pair of balls and resist the urge - this is certainly something i have been thinking too..

somebody suggested i need help, well here i am..

thanks for all the replies, they are very helpful and help to put things into perspective..

has anyone ever approached this subject with their gf/bf? if so, how did they react?'

BoozyBabe

.......... wrote:

yes i tould hurt her if she found out that i had gone online and met women on cam.

So, are you saying it's ok then, so long as she doesn't find out?

You haven't expressed any regret, in fact you've said you want more than that!!!

You say she would be upset, yet you wonder would she be into swinging!!!!

Get real!!!

You think she won't mind so long as she's shagging others also!!!

Beruthiel

SetantaL wrote:

I think you should split with your girlfriend. You don't deserve her. Fact.

I took a minute to decide on whither to ban you for that comment, as of yet I haven't but I will not tolerate another word from you on this thread.
B

cornbb

OP after reading your first post I was thinking "well, there's a possibility his gf is the open-minded sort and maybe it would be no harm to broach the subject, if done in a proper and sensitive manner. Maybe they might both get something out of it and he can live the dream, the lucky b*stard". But then you said this:

yes i tould hurt her if she found out that i had gone online and met women on cam

Get real man, if she's clearly not of the open-relationship/open-minded persuation then you are clearly deluding yourself. Do the same as 99.9% of good boyfriends out there and restrict your "sexual urges" to wishful thinking. Be grateful for what you've got. Its not that difficult ffs.

Beruthiel

.......... wrote:

as a reply to Gil_Dub, who asked what it is that i want from this post

The Moderators of this forum is who.
This is a forum for personal issues, only threads with actual questions that require answers are allowed to continue, all other threads are deleted or moved.

well i am getting exactly what i hoped for. a good idea of how people react to this kind of thing.

I fail to see what other people think about this has got to do with how your g/f thinks. Isn't her opinion the only one that counts on this matter?

but i reckon it mighht put my relationship in jeapardy by introducing an element of uncertainty or insecurity

If you believe this to be the case, then what do you think will happen when you suggest having group sex and swinging? You already know the answer to that question don't you?
So what is it exactly that you want to know from us?

AnonoBoy

If your girlfriend has never so much as intimated an interest (even in fantasy) of group sex or swinging then I thhink it's highly unlikely that she's going to be on board with swinging/orgies from the outset.

In face I think most people aren't suited to this sort of activity - both men and women get very jealous and insecure when there's other people intimately involved in the relationship. Are you ready for the time when the really well hung and muscle bound dude is banging your girlfriend in front of you? Will you be forever wondering if these guys are better than you and if she's going to want them more?

aye

.......... wrote:

We have a very good sex life, and she is great in bed. she can be loving and tender, rough and dirty, sexy and coy, subby and the one in charge and so on. She is comfortable sexually and has an open mind to experimentation in the bed room.
....

this should be enough for you. its enough for most people. everyone windows shops, only the idiots make a purchase.

i dont think any man could handle watching his girlfriend shag another bloke.
i would keep it to yourself, and give up the cyber sex, thats effectively cheating on her.

Miss Fluff

You need to give the matter serious thought. When you've done that, think about it again.

You must remember that when you suggest this as an actual pursuit as opposed to a fantasy there is no turning back for you and your girlfriend. She could react with complete horror and she will then always think that she doesn't satisfy you which will effect how solid your relationship is and be a catalyst for trust/insecurity issues.

Why don't you have an open discussion about your fantasies and in an ever so hypothetical fashion broach the subject casually and test the water on how she would feel about doing some of these things in reality? If she is completely opposed then there is no harm done as it was only ever a "would you ever......." conversation.

I'd be loath to sleeping with other people without her consent though. That's cheating and if you feel that strongly about her then you need to go your seperate ways my friend.

Petey2006

.......... wrote:

I love my gf and her only, sexually and also as my best friend.

The only person you're fooling is yourself, buddy.

Isobel

.......... wrote:

and she is great in bed. she can be loving and tender, rough and dirty, sexy and coy, subby and the one in charge and so on. She is comfortable sexually and has an open mind to experimentation in the bed room. ....

Be careful what you ask for because you might just get it, for all you know she might be onboard with the idea at the start but who's to say she won't find someone better than you and decide the grass is greener on the other side? And leave you for another guy? Because from the above comment she sounds like the kind of girl most guys want and she may start to realise how little you actually care about her (which you obviously don't ) and leave for someone she never would have met had you not mentioned this idea to her in the first place. And then you'll have lost everything and will only have yourself to blame and thats going to hurt like hell.

Kell

Miss Fluff wrote:

Why don't you have an open discussion about your fantasies and in an ever so hypothetical fashion broach the subject casually and test the water on how she would feel about doing some of these things in reality? If she is completely opposed then there is no harm done as it was only ever a "would you ever......." conversation.

Best bit of advice yet. Loadsa people have said "most people would do this and that and rah rah rah". Theres a lot of people get kicks out of their GF/BF shagging someone else. Horses for courses.

OP- do as Fluff points out. Could be a can of worms. Could go further. Could get as far as gettin it on with another couple and then go downhill forever. Just have the chat.

K-

skywalker

Lynfo wrote:

Most women I know would go nuts if they found so much as a playboy mag in their house.

Very surprised no one commented on that. Seems very extreme.

Motley Crue

.......... wrote:

has anyone any experience in this type of situation?

obviously, but when it comes down to it, I just grit my teeth and get on with it...literally...you cant have them all, or two at the same time tbh, and most of them wouldnt want u or anyone else cause their image wouldnt allow it.

Isobel

Motley Crue wrote:

obviously, but when it comes down to it, I just grit my teeth and get on with it...literally...you cant have them all, or two at the same time tbh, and most of them wouldnt want u or anyone else cause their image wouldnt allow it.

Who is them? this post doesn't make any sense in relation to what you quoted and what image do you mean?

SarahSassy

.......... wrote:

'you must understand that i have an excellent relationship and i make my girlfriend very happy'

No you dont !!! It's now, since you cheated on her, built on a web of lies... I'm sure she would not continue to be 'very happy' if she knew what you have been doing behind her back. Before you start justifying it, cyber cheating is still cheating and I know as I have been at the end of it and it killed the relationship as it killed the trust. And while you may say that you haven't lied to her, in reality you have by not telling her about your cyber 'episodes'.

BTW I am not one of these anti-porn people but when you make it personal and have sexual contact directly with one person, even via webcam, its crossing the line between sexual curiosity and cheating. Therefore, IMHO the damage has already been done. You could try and ask her but my guess is that a lot of girls would be more open to trying other partners very early in a relationship before they get in too deep, however, I guess after 5 years she would be scared of the damage it could do to your 'happy' relationship.

padser

SarahSassy wrote:

No you dont !!!

How on earth do you know whether or not he makes his gf happy?

SarahSassy wrote:

cyber cheating is still cheating

To you, maybe, but not necessarily to everyone else including his gf. Different people have different notions of cheating and im certain that cyber sex falls outside many people's definition cheating.


OP I think you know what the majority of people's reaction is going to be. Surely you realise that most people are not into group sex so most people are likely to react negatively to it. So I think you are unlikely to find out anything you didnt know already about your gf's likely reaction by posting here.


I think Miss Fluff's advice is excellent. Why don't you simply broach the subject in a general sense and see how she feels about it. Done properly you can certainly get a feel for whether she would be likely to be up for it, without making it obvious you really want to do it - and without doing any damage to the relationship.

SarahSassy

padser wrote:

How on earth do you know whether or not he makes his gf happy?QUOTE]

Can imagine too many girls would continue to be happy if they knew the full facts....

During my issues with an ex on this exact issue I talked to a number of my female friends about it and since the dust has settled it has come up in a number of conversations. All of the girls involved in these conversations considered it cheating and a red card offense. Obviously I dont know about EVERY woman in the planet but the general consensus was that it was cheating.

Talliesin

.......... wrote:

She is comfortable sexually and has an open mind to experimentation in the bed room.

In which case if she hasn't already talked about what she thinks about group situations then she probably isn't into the idea, but it does at least indicate that you can bring the topic up without her immediately freaking out.

.......... wrote:

so i was hoping i could get a feel for what peoples attitudes are to relationships and having sex with other people.

What the hell use is that to you?

I know people that swing, I know people that have group sex, I know people that are polyamourous in a variety of different ways, and I know a lot of people who could only ever be happy being monogamous. I know people that are monogamous as far as some sexual acts go, but will play outside of that relationship as far as some other acts go. Pretty much any possible attitude you can think of to the matter I can find you someone that holds that attitude.

Unfortunately the chances are that none of these people are your girlfriend.