A Guide To Girlfriends

cson

Well, this is cson's (stolen off someone else) guide to girlfriends. Inspired by the 50 things I wish women knew thread. Some good advice in there....

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better". This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs, they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say you better be, and repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them.

7. If youre talking to another girl, make sure she,s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special, then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding, and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny, why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home, and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say, no she's not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell, a bad smell. You know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say no, its just the rain. Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call, you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Then dont call.

PM me with your thanks

melekalikimaka

its funny but i'd nearly cut and paste that into a pi thread bout why my relationships all end badly....not funny....more depressing than funny...<sigh>:(

connundrum

Another list ey.

Understanding women ey.

Hmmmm...

Pighead

A guide to cson:
He's rubbish at creating wonderous and dazzling awe inspiring threads
That is all.

Silverfish

You compiled this from speaking to my exes, haven't you.

cson

Pighead wrote:

A guide to cson:
He's rubbish at creating wonderous and dazzling awe inspiring threads
That is all.

Damn, I thought my limitations were well hidden on this one. Ah nevertheless, I shall retreat to my lonely cave and continue my plans for world domination. Hmmm watching some 'Pinky and the Brain' should produce some ideas.....

Pighead

cson wrote:

Damn, I thought my limitations were well hidden on this one. Ah nevertheless, I shall retreat to my lonely cave and continue my plans for world domination. Hmmm watching some 'Pinky and the Brain' should produce some ideas.....

Don't be too hard on yourself buddy, despite Pigheads harsh words I definitely see potential for you in the months to come.

At the moment you're like a new born wonky calf struggling to stay on your feet but in time I reckon you can become the one of the best and fattest cows these boards have ever seen. Tunnell vision.

Kintarō Hattori

Ahh I thought it was funny. Don't be bitter Pighead. Someone else has to create a humerous thread now and again. It's too awesome a responsibility to rest on your shoulders alone.

Pighead

eo980 wrote:

Ahh I thought it was funny. Don't be bitter Pighead.

Without bitter there cannot be sweet. Pighead is here to ensure sweetness exists.

Crappy username by the way e0980. Very unforgettable. Watch this, right, Pigheads just looked away from the screen, i'm counting to 10. Right I'll try and remember what your username is from memory: its gone.

A reflection on Pigheads brain or your crappy username. A bit of both perhaps, but mainly your crappy username.

Karoma

Pighead wrote:

Without bitter there cannot be sweet. Pighead is here to ensure sweetness exists.

Crappy username by the way e0980. Very unforgettable. Watch this, right, Pigheads just looked away from the screen, i'm counting to 10. Right I'll try and remember what your username is from memory: its gone.

A reflection on Pigheads brain or your crappy username. A bit of both perhaps, but mainly your crappy username.

Oh, play nice, crabbypants. ¬_¬

copacetic

Pighead wrote:

Without bitter there cannot be sweet. Pighead is here to ensure sweetness exists.

Crappy username by the way e0980. Very unforgettable. Watch this, right, Pigheads just looked away from the screen, i'm counting to 10. Right I'll try and remember what your username is from memory: its gone.

A reflection on Pigheads brain or your crappy username. A bit of both perhaps, but mainly your crappy username.

cmon pighead these 'crappy username' rants are beneath you, hit them where it hurts ffs. you can do better..

Pighead

copacetic wrote:

cmon pighead these 'crappy username' rants are beneath you, hit them where it hurts ffs. you can do better..

I pre-empted Karomas "Play nice crabbypants" warning so quite cunningly went for the non bannable username rant angle. Pighead:Sexy and Smart

copacetic

Pighead wrote:

I pre-empted Karomas "Play nice crabbypants" warning so quite cunningly went for the non bannable username rant angle. Pighead:Sexy and Smart

well that is true, but you could have gone down the road of 'people who post threads like this are a bunch of *******'.

the bunching skilfully avoids the ban, or so I'm told...

crabbypants was a bit severe though, miaoww. you should report it.

cson

copacetic wrote:

well that is true, but you could have gone down the road of 'people who post threads like this are a bunch of ******.

Well I never. And I only trying to help. Smithers......release the hounds.

Pighead

copacetic wrote:

well that is true, but you could have gone down the road of 'people who post threads like this are a bunch of *******'.

the bunching skilfully avoids the ban, or so I'm told...

crabbypants was a bit severe though, miaoww. you should report it.

Nah, thats Karomas pet name for me. Pighead calls Karoma hairynipples. Its just a bit of harmless flirting on our parts.

Kintarō Hattori

Pighead wrote:

Without bitter there cannot be sweet. Pighead is here to ensure sweetness exists.

Crappy username by the way e0980. Very unforgettable. Watch this, right, Pigheads just looked away from the screen, i'm counting to 10. Right I'll try and remember what your username is from memory: its gone.

A reflection on Pigheads brain or your crappy username. A bit of both perhaps, but mainly your crappy username.

Wow what happened to you? Where's your usual joviality. I'm aware I have perhaps the worst username ever, but it doesn't matter to me so much. It's just a username. Besides, it doesn't matter to me if you don't remember it. I'm not that bothered.

copacetic

Pighead wrote:

Nah, thats Karomas pet name for me. Pighead calls Karoma hairynipples. Its just a bit of harmless flirting on our parts.

but thats a fact. surely you cured the crabby pants problem with the creams?

scojones

Pighead wrote:

Nah, thats Karomas pet name for me. Pighead calls Karoma hairynipples. Its just a bit of harmless flirting on our parts.

I thought I was hairy nipples.

copacetic

eo980 wrote:

Besides, it doesn't matter to me if you don't remember it. I'm not that bothered.

hmmm, bothering to post seems to indicate that you are bothered. appears that pighead did hit you where it hurts. who knew.

red_ice

thats brilliant. I know the perfect person to show it to - she will go nuts, and our further hatred of each other will blossom even more!

Well done!

Pighead

eo980 wrote:

Wow what happened to you? Where's your usual joviality. I'm aware I have perhaps the worst username ever, but it doesn't matter to me so much. It's just a username. Besides, it doesn't matter to me if you don't remember it. I'm not that bothered.

Excellent post. And one that will ensure that this poster shall never again forget the one the only, eo980.

Don't mind Pighead oe890, I'm just a bit crabby tonight after seeing the thread in Feedback regarding 6th's banning. Can't believe that a Mod of Paranormal is being subjected to such bullying. Keep your chin up 6th. You're a Mod, they won't beat you!

Pighead

scojones wrote:

I thought I was hairy nipples.

No silly, you're hairy-wairy-spotty-arse. Anyway back on topic, girlfriends are great.

Kintarō Hattori

copacetic wrote:

hmmm, bothering to post seems to indicate that you are bothered. appears that pighead did hit you where it hurts. who knew.

Ah no, not really. I'm feeling great right now. I've just emailed some good friends that I haven't been in contact with for ages, one of them's just had a baby and I'm listening to some great music now that I'd never heard before.

I was just surprised at Pighead's response, usually he's not quite so aggressive. That's all.

Kintarō Hattori

Pighead wrote:

Excellent post. And one that will ensure that this poster shall never again forget the one the only, eo980.

Don't mind Pighead oe890*, I'm just a bit crabby tonight after seeing the thread in Feedback regarding 6th's banning. Can't believe that a Mod of Paranormal is being subjected to such bullying. Keep your chin up 6th. You're a Mod, they won't beat you!

Not at all Pighead. We all have our moment's of weakness and after your explantion here I don't think anyone could hold it against you. You're concern for a fellow poster is uplifting. Sniff.






* - Oh that was low and uncalled for.

Pighead

eo980 wrote:

Ah no, not really. I'm feeling great right now. I've just emailed some good friends that I haven't been in contact with for ages, one of them's just had a baby and I'm listening to some great music now that I'd never heard before.

I was just surprised at Pighead's response, usually he's not quite so aggressive. That's all.

Ah listen oe7890, without aggression there can be no peace. Pighead flipped the lid for a nano second because you implied I was the bitterest bastard on boards.

All is well again though and I hope that from this day on Pighead and eoio97821 can be boards buddies for life.

cson

Ah Pighead, I'd imagine that you've some of my advice already tried and tested, charming individual that you no doubt are.

*cson cowers and waits for impending smack*

Kintarō Hattori

Pighead wrote:

Ah listen oe7890, without aggression there can be no peace. Pighead flipped the lid for a nano second because you implied I was the bitterest bastard on boards.

All is well again though and I hope that from this day on Pighead and eoio97821 can be boards buddies for life.

No no I was just joking, I wasn't seriously implying that you were actually bitter. I've been around here long enough to know that's not the case.
Well you're inability to remember my username, despite the fact you've quoted me several times isn't a problem. I'm in top form tonight and this is just the internet.

copacetic

jesus lads, talk about a love in, get a room already..

Pherekydes

What about getting back on thread?

Girlfriends are great; who could do without them? Not me anyway. Or my sister.

copacetic

Slow coach wrote:

What about getting back on thread?

Girlfriends are great; who could do without them? Not me anyway. Or my sister.

you get us back on topic by telling us you, your bird and your sister are in some
kind of sordid ménage?


sweet. pics?

Kintarō Hattori

Slow coach wrote:

What about getting back on thread?

Girlfriends are great; who could do without them? Not me anyway. Or my sister.

They most certainly are great but jesus what's with the irrationality?!

Pherekydes

copacetic wrote:

you get us back on topic by telling us you, your bird and your sister are in some
kind of sordid ménage?

Eh, no, davey. How did you get that out of it? No, my sis and I have separate girlfriends. In fact, we live in separate countries, so sharing a GF would be tough (on the GF).


P.S. Birds are for other birds. Us humans should stick to humans. Handier for mating. Though I do enjoy an egg every now and then. For eating, before you ask.

copacetic

Slow coach wrote:

Eh, no, davey. How did you get that out of it? No, my sis and I have separate girlfriends. In fact, we live in separate countries, so sharing a GF would be tough (on the GF).

ah well, maybe if your sis moves back here you can get something going. glad to see that at least you are open to it..

aidan_walsh

Pighead wrote:

Without bitter there cannot be sweet. Pighead is here to ensure sweetness exists.

Reminds me of that wonderful quote from The West Wing (possibly taken from somewhere else)

Josiah Bartlett wrote:

Do you know what the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is? An pessimist is a person who says "My God, look at this situation, it cannot possibly get any worse"; an optimist is a person who says "Oh, yes it can".

Tony Danza

That's one of the funniest things I've read in a while!

WindSock

Why, oh why do you fob it off as your own? This and the other thread about women are not original, they are stolen.

copacetic

boreds wrote:

Why, oh why do you fob it off as your own? This and the other thread about women are not original, they are stolen.

in fairness too him as crap as the thread is he didn't 'fob it off' as his own. In the first line he said it was stolen

cson wrote:

Well, this is cson's (stolen off someone else) guide to girlfriends

WindSock

Oops. in the first line and all. Snorry:p

Sabre0001

Very good, quite funny!

biko

So AH is all about posting someone else's lists these days eh?

What are these girlfriends you speak of?

Anti

boreds wrote:

Why, oh why do you fob it off as your own? This and the other thread about women are not original, they are stolen.

Yes clearly as i stated at the beginning...

Karoma

biko wrote:

So AH is all about posting someone else's lists these days eh?

Yes. AH has suddenly taken a dive for the worst; it is now the home of the unoriginal and unamusing thread. Unlike before...

On-topic, etc.

The Sweeper

Where does that leave the humour forum?

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote:

What are these girlfriends you speak of?

A peripheral device for pleasure apparently.

matt-dublin

seen it before, still funny tho

R0ot

cson wrote:

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

Damn forgot them, so thats why I got dropped...

Zillah

Pighead wrote:

Don't be too hard on yourself buddy, despite Pigheads harsh words I definitely see potential for you in the months to come.

At the moment you're like a new born wonky calf struggling to stay on your feet but in time I reckon you can become the one of the best and fattest cows these boards have ever seen. Tunnell vision.

Then we eat him, right?