I deserve everything thats coming to me!

LegacyUser

hi people,right where to start long time member so goin unreggie for this!sorry if this is a long one!

basically been goin out with the boyf for over 5 years,we both still live at home and basically dont get enough time to ourselves!ive suggested movin in a lot of times but he wont.we dont even have a sexual relationship till his parents are gone to bed for his fear of them hearing us having sex!

so apart from that ive got myself mixed up in this situation with this guy ive been friends with for years before myself and the boyf got together.he visited me a couple of weeks ago and we were sharin the same room.we never had a relationship although we had always been attracted to each other.we ended up in the same bed kissin each other,but nothin more. i love my boyf very much and i know he didnt deserve this,i hate myself for doin it, but theres always been somethin between myself and the other guy!he said he wanted to be with me before that happened but since it has happened he has barely spoken to me and i feel quite upset bout it.

he broke important plans with me and couldnt even send me a message to say he wasnt comin,which upset me so i dunno wat to think bout him we have been friends for over 10 years,then theres me and the boyf,he didnt deserve wat i done to him,my head is so messed up over this.i deserve wats comin to me i no he would never cheat on me.i dunno wat to do i have barely eaten and am havin trouble sleepin thinkin of the fact ive just ruined a relationship and a friendship.

i dunno wat to do i have trouble trusting people ,i know i cant talk after what i done,but i had a very bad childhood and a lot of that still haunts me and its just eating me up to think i could be so horrible.
please any helpful responses would be very much appreciated

Ruu_Old

You have to decide which you want to do. Be honest and tell your current boyfriend what went on and hope he forgives you, then rebuild the relationship though it looks like this is not what you are looking for you. If you are not fully into him then I suggest you end it and let him move on. People in love don't hurt each other, even if you didn't mean it.

Wibbs

Ruu wrote:

You have to decide which you want to do.

Very true. Sit back and honestly try to figure out what you want outside what you think others want.

Be honest and tell your current boyfriend what went on and hope he forgives you,

I'm sorry Ruu, generally you're spot on and it is only my opinion, but DO NOT DO THIS YET OP. If at all. Some would have you believe that honesty is always best. Sometimes it is not. Until you figure what's going on in your own head blurting stuff like this out will not be helpful at this stage.

then rebuild the relationship though it looks like this is not what you are looking for you.

Yes this is what you'll have to do and as I said You'll have to figure what you want in your own time.

If you are not fully into him then I suggest you end it and let him move on.

Love isn't always set to volume 11. It can vary. Sometimes quite a bit.

People in love don't hurt each other, even if you didn't mean it.

Eh they can. The idea that "love means never having to say you're sorry" went out with the bow and arrow.

Mr. Incognito

Look, it happens.

If you tell your boyfriend it will destroy his trust in you in the short term, In addition you'll def lose your friend as the first rule I would make in his position would be a promise to stop seeing this mate for a while.
When you're caught between two people like this your emotional radar will play havoc for a while. In the short term it's not worth telling him as the green monster should have no place at the minute.

You need to spend some time with your boyfriend without seeing your mate for a while. He's just showing up something else, that you're not concentrating on your relationship. Maybe after 5 years you're stuck in your habits. Try something different. A weekend away perhaps. Examine your relationship and don't take it for granted. Maybe your boyfriend isn't the one for you but you're not going to find out by cuddling up to someone else and feeling guilty. It'll manifest itself in other destructive ways.

If something was going to happen with your friend it would have happened a long time ago. Sit him down and explain that your boyfriend comes first and you two should avoid vunerable positions.

I know you think you have romantic feelings for him but it could be anyone when the eye starts wandering. The problem with your relationships are in your first paragraph. You need to address thoses. Tell your boyfriend you want to move in together or have somewhere that you can hang out without being under your parent's noses. If after a few months going back to basics with your boyfriend you still have strong feelings for your friend then re-examine the situation but I don't think that'll be the case.

*Edit* All the stuff about your childhood is just an excuse. Take responsibility for your own actions. Some of us had ****ty childhoods too but we don't use it as justification for our own bad choices.

AnonoBoy

Blaming your bad childhood is a cop out. I used to be friends with a guy who used his 'bad' childhood as an excuse for his appalling behaviour and to be honest it was just that - an excuse.

You ended up in the same bed as this guy. You make it sound like an accident that this happened. Let's be honest here you both knew bloody well where it was going when you hopped into the same bed to 'keep each other warm' or whatever your excuse was.

Your friend has barely spoken to you because he feels guilty about what he's done - messed with another guy's girlfriend and potentially messed up your relationship.

You have to cut contact with this guy for a while. Otherwise you will 'accidentally' end up in a situation like this again with him. If you tell your boyfriend he will insist that you don't see this guy anyway, that is if he doesn't dump you.

Telling your boyfriend is something to ease your own guilt really. He will not trust you again for a long long time if you tell him.

Cut contact with your friend and try to stay faithful.

r3nu4l

Hi OP, look, what's done is done. Stop beating yourself up and fix the problem. As AnonoBoy said, your friend is probably feeling very guilty right now. Maybe call him and say that while you enjoyed it (I assume you did at the time!) it wasn't the right thing to do and you need to concentrate on resolving things with your boyfriend. For that reason you shouldn't see each other too much for a while or if you do it should only be in company with friends.

I would also advise against telling your boyfriend as it really is just an easy way to clear your concience. Instead, live with what you've done and make an extra effort to improve things with him.

Be romantic, go on dates, summer is on the way and I'm sure there are places you can go together, things you can do. In a fwe weeks discuss with your boyfriend why he won't move in with you. Discuss, don't row! Maybe he feels it's too soon, maybe he feels that renting is a waste of hard-earned money, maybe he likes having his Mammy look after him Either way, chat about it and try to see his side while also presenting yours.

While there are a few issues to be solved the main one right now is to be sure that you aren't with this friend again.