Psychic exhaustion

LegacyUser

Over the past while I've been involved in caring for sick loved ones. It's been a steady downpour of bad news, complications and near death experiences. I've all but put my life on hold to help as best I can. In my family I'm the one with the most flexibility, and everyone else has additional stuff to cope with that I don't, so I don't mind taking up the slack as best I can, but it's taking its' toll.

Today is one of those despondent days where it all seems to catch up. It's not altogether physical exhaustion but psychic or emotional, like I just can't think about it any more, a sort of mental block. It's really draining. I do have outlets, and I've not let it get on top of me. Nevertheless, I'm sick of just feeling like sh!t so often.

The sense of frustration, the anger, the physical and mental fatigue, it all just sort of piles up. I do have good friends, but most can't relate and don't know how really to help. Neither do I, come to think of it, and I don't want to share misery with anyone. My family are hard to fall back on as they're going through the same thing, and have other strains as well. I know I need a holiday, but I can't plan anything definite as everything could go to pot at any time. It might sound silly too but I think I would like someone to be there for me, but I'm reluctant to get involved with anyone whilst I'm carrying this airport conveyor belt of emotional baggage around with me.

I don't know what I want to achieve posting this but perhaps some of you can relate to it and offer advice. Thanks.

crazy2000

i think you need to take a step back from all this emotional and draining stress. You should really tell your familly how your are feeling. Im sure they will understand the strain your begining to feel in your life.. Tell them how you feel but let them know that you will help out as much as you can but you need a bit of your own time aswell to de-stress yourslef.

Drift

I don't really have any advice OP because I haven't been in the same situation. But I did help out when my gran was ill before she died as did all my family and I can say that in the future when you look back on caring for a sick loved one (whether they recover fully or not) you'll be very proud you did it. It will give you an inner strength and peace inside that no-one can remove because you did what you did for love expecting no reward or recognition, you did it purely because it was the right thing for you.

I know this probably isn't much help to you now but hang in there.Your family mightn't say it much but I'm sure deep down they think the world of what you're doing. And I'm sure none of them would mind you unburdening the load on them once in while.

solas

well, I was there at one point. I find the term vicarious trauma suitable in describing the situation and learning to step back from it is still an ongoing process for me. (and always will be) At a point I completely numbed out and chose not to feel anything at all and that probably worse. Its better to feel something than nothing.
I know there's all kinds of books out there and a gazillion things you can do but its difficult to absorb much of any of it once you've shut down on every level.
I do recommend one piece of advice though.
I remember listening to some fella talk about letting go and while they are words we hear all so very often that they no longer had much meaning to me, but he put a new slant on it and one which is under the circumstances is digestible.

Letting go doesn't mean getting rid of, it means giving something space, letting it be. when we are unable to give something space its like putting a drop of indian ink into a glass of water and the glass clouds up and becomes all inky, when we give something space it's like putting the same drop into an olympic sized swimming pool, it disappears, its no longer an issue.
Learning to step back from our stressful situations is a similar process.

p.s. I also sought a career change.

Kell

yulquen wrote:

I know I need a holiday, but I can't plan anything definite as everything could go to pot at any time.

When things go to pot, they do whether you are there or not and you have to accept that there is little you can do either way.

Part of the problem is that you have no definite plans, and limbo land allows your thoughts to do to you what they are doing now. Try and learn to develop plans that dont involve whats going on with your immediate life. They serve as something to look forward to and, once you have plans, the rest of your family may also stop using you to cope with things they cant.

Your point about you taking up the slack because other people in the family have their own cráp to deal with shocked me. Why should you bear the brunt of family difficulties? If you seem to take up the slack, other people will let you.

As a starter, convince yourself of one thing. YOU are the only person you will ever have really worry about. ACCEPT that there is only so much you can do for someone and you are no lesser person for not going any further. FORGET about putting your life on hold. You're no use to anyone like that. ABANDON any sense of guilt you may have if you dont spend 100% of your time looking after people.

Hope it works out.

K-

Femelade

i know exactly how you feel, a few yrs back, i was in a situation that left me mentally wrecked....
You need to take a break from all that you are doing, i know its probably not as easy as it sounds..but surely you could explain to a family member how you are feeling and they would be able to relieve you of some of your work load even for a day!..

Marksie

yulquen wrote:

Over the past while I've been involved in caring for sick loved ones. It's been a steady downpour of bad news, complications and near death experiences. I've all but put my life on hold to help as best I can. In my family I'm the one with the most flexibility, and everyone else has additional stuff to cope with that I don't, so I don't mind taking up the slack as best I can, but it's taking its' toll.

Today is one of those despondent days where it all seems to catch up. It's not altogether physical exhaustion but psychic or emotional, like I just can't think about it any more, a sort of mental block. It's really draining. I do have outlets, and I've not let it get on top of me. Nevertheless, I'm sick of just feeling like sh!t so often.

The sense of frustration, the anger, the physical and mental fatigue, it all just sort of piles up. I do have good friends, but most can't relate and don't know how really to help. Neither do I, come to think of it, and I don't want to share misery with anyone. My family are hard to fall back on as they're going through the same thing, and have other strains as well. I know I need a holiday, but I can't plan anything definite as everything could go to pot at any time. It might sound silly too but I think I would like someone to be there for me, but I'm reluctant to get involved with anyone whilst I'm carrying this airport conveyor belt of emotional baggage around with me.

I don't know what I want to achieve posting this but perhaps some of you can relate to it and offer advice. Thanks.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Myself and my family have been in exactly the same situation with my father and his terminal illness. It was compounded by distance as they were in the UK.

The mental exhaustion seemed almost constant.

At time though all we could do was allow other members breaks and accept that they needed a holiday. You may have to explain that to the family and allow them to take some of the strain, at least for a while

While on some level we placed our lives on hold, we still planned getaways and breaks. For myself I used meditative techniques to try to release some of the pent up worry and frustration, if not getting rid of it all, then at least putting it into perspective and into manageable proportions.

In being there totally for others and seeing yourself as the sole source of support you are just heaping more responsibility on yourself. I think if you explain to them they may help. Another possibility is some form of respite care perhaps. I don't know what the situation in Ireland is in this regards to be honest, and of course i don't know your personal circumstances but it is perhaps an option worth exploring.

As for not wanting to plan in case it goes to pot. Well my advice is to plan something, at the end of the day you are trying to predict what may happen. I am afraid that you have it in your head that you cannot do these things

As Kell says you have put yourself in a Limbo land .

In the end if things go to pot, they will do so whether you are there or not. It is not a callous statement to say that and at the end of the day you can also either cancel plans or return early.
The same with a relationship, or potential relationship. There is nothing but your own thoughts there to stop you at least enjoying a night out and a date with someone and seeing where it leads.

CathyMoran

I can relate to what you have been going through too. Less than 3 years ago my mum had a brain hameorrage and I felt that my life was totally on hold, I remember when I dared to go on holidays, it was such a big deal, but I needed it for me.

My advice is not to put your life on hold, as it turns out for my life other things happened from my granmother dying to me getting cancer but it has not stopped me living my life to the full, you have to turn a negative into a positive and make the most out of life, as you have seen life is too short. I got married recently and it was the best thing that I ever did in my life. Use this time to reassess your life and see what you want, where you want to be. You can not support your family 100% of the time - we used to have a "one man down" policy where we would support when one of us needed a break, it looks like you could do with a break now.

Wishing you all the best.

free2fly

Dear OP I know exactly what you are feeling. I went through the same thing for the past 3 1/2 years with my mum. I was physically and mentally drained all the time!! But I found that I was a lot use to my family, and to myself, when I made time to do something for myself. You're exhausted. You need to re-group. You will be useless to everyone if you get sick or have a breakdown. Make plans to get away for a weekend. You don't have to go far. Stay within a reasonable driving distance if you have to. But get away from everyone and everything for a few days. Your family will understand your need to do it. And you will be amazed at how much better you will feel after just a few days away

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for responding, it's great to read the replies.

If I made it seem that I've taken the brunt of the workload and responsibility, then apologies, it's really not that way. We do divide up the load as best we can within reason and whatver constraints people have at the time. It's not quite a case of letting others live their lives whilst I put mine on hold - the crap they've to go through is really quite substantial, I'm not making excuses for them.

I don't really need to tell my family about how I feel - we do discuss it and everyone else is in the same position. I have gotten away from it all for a few days here and there, but upon return it's back to the same grind, and the fatigue builds up again, and it seems relentless. This is maybe the hardest bit, that foreboding sense that it's unending.

I like that term, vicarious trauma. Sounds apt. I don't mean to give the impression that I'm in a constant numb state though, I'm usually ok with it all and dealing with it well (now: for a while I was a wreck), but sometimes it builds up and becomes stressful and frustrating.

As for the relationships/dating thing, I don't think I'm in the right place for any of it, don't have the energy. I'm not looking to begin something special with anyone. The trouble is something of a craving for someone to be there I've developed. It's led to me making some mistakes and regretting doing things and saying things to people, and feeling like a complete spanner. It's weird, of all the things I outlined - aggression, frustration etc, this is the hardest to explain. I've always been a loner, an introvert. The impulse for intimacy does make me uncomfortable.

Again, thanks for the replies, they're great to read. I posted last night in that cloud of fatigue and frustration, but today I do feel an awful lot better. It'll come and go. Thanks.

LegacyUser

'I hope the Mods don't mind me resurrecting this thread, but I dug up the thread to read the responses again, and sort of need to vent a bit.

Since I posted originally, the person I was caring for, my mother, passed away. It's been tough, but not least because not long after the date of the thread, my father was diagnosed with cancer. His prognosis was (and is) excellent, but tonight he's in hospital with a very very dangerous infection. His immune system is on the floor, and the infection could be lethal.

He's in the best place he could be, but today it's all come crashing back. Despondency and fatigue, that horrible exhaustion that's neither physical nor mental. It'll come and go, whatever happens, and things go on. We've just to pull together through it I suppose. It's tough this time because we've been caught on the hop with it.

So tomorrow's a new day. We've really just to hold tight and hope the antibiotics do the trick. I dug up the thread because the responses are great to read. They'll be with me for a long time.'