Dealing with death

KdjaCL

Been to a few funeral masses in the last few days and another coming up, i sort of deal with death in a weird way and take the "lived a good life, remember the good only" type attitude towards them. the funeral was for a woman over 70 and she had lived a good life loads of kids to be proud off, grandkids with all she was happy with life. Another was a child who never lived died at the age of 7 of leukemia without really knowing life, i accept disease is part and parcel of life and everyone is vulnerable. But the next one has just kicked me in the nuts. I knew him and we always got on well, only in the last few months did i get to know him really well.

But of all the people i know who have passed none have made me feel this way, i actually cried for the 1st time. I buried family and never cried but this one has just knocked the stuffing out of me. I dont think its because he was the same age as me i have never questioned my own mortality as i know im going to die just hope its explosive and exciting. But for once i dont think i can deal with death


anthony

Nevyn

It is a lot harder when it is someone of the same age the same generation and if the death was sudden.
The death of a peer makes us look at our own lifes and reflect on how fragile life can be and in comparison how futile death can be.

It could well be that you rationilised all the other 'other' losses and the emotional side of this has caugth up with you.
We mourn for ourselves, for our feelings and for how we will miss the person gone it is the way of things, give yourself the time and the space to ride the emotional rollercoaster.
If you find that it is all too over whelming there are breivement cousellors who can help.

stepbar

Its a tough one. Thankfully I have never had to deal with anybody close dying. But there will come a time when I will have to deal with it (my granny is 91) and TBH when she does die, I will be heartbroken. I would also like to hear how other people have dealt with death.

LegacyUser

KdjaCL wrote:

Been to a few funeral masses in the last few days and another coming up, i sort of deal with death in a weird way and take the "lived a good life, remember the good only" type attitude towards them. the funeral was for a woman over 70 and she had lived a good life loads of kids to be proud off, grandkids with all she was happy with life. Another was a child who never lived died at the age of 7 of leukemia without really knowing life, i accept disease is part and parcel of life and everyone is vulnerable. But the next one has just kicked me in the nuts. I knew him and we always got on well, only in the last few months did i get to know him really well.

But of all the people i know who have passed none have made me feel this way, i actually cried for the 1st time. I buried family and never cried but this one has just knocked the stuffing out of me. I dont think its because he was the same age as me i have never questioned my own mortality as i know im going to die just hope its explosive and exciting. But for once i dont think i can deal with death


anthony

I am really sorry for you. I know what you are going through. Around this time last year within 6days of each other two very close family members of mine died. One was my granny and it was her time but she had lived with me my whole life. So when another young man close to us died very tragically so young and so soon after we were in bits. I have lost 8 family members in 4 years and it has been very hard especially the last two.

You do get through it if it's any consolation. Spend time remembering the good times, you can be surprised by how a happy memory can bring some comfort to you. There is no point dwelling on your own mortality that is very depressing. Sometimes bad things happen. My advice, talk to those around you about how they feel. Share your fellings. Don't get bogged down. Cry as much as you need but don't lose control. People will need you just as much as you need them. Be strong and take care of yourself. I am thinking of you.

crazy2000

you can never be prepared for death or be able to cope with death. I have lost a lot of friends ( whom were all in their teens) and a lot of older people and familly whom were much older who passed away suddenly .. I never thought i could cope with the loss of so many good friends, but did you ever hear the saying "time is a healer" well its true.. as the time goes by it will get easier i promise you will just have to take it one day at a time.

i am sorry to hear that such a young lively mate so close to you has passed away, and it is a very difficult time for you, but you will get true it, you will be stronger than ever as time goes on..

you shud consider getting councilling if you feel like you still cant deal with it in a few months time.. These sessions can help you cope with pressures that you face in life and help you overcome these obstacles in life..

keep me posted and let me how you are coping...

(Crazy2000)

Marksie

KdjaCL wrote:

Been to a few funeral masses in the last few days and another coming up, i sort of deal with death in a weird way and take the "lived a good life, remember the good only" type attitude towards them. the funeral was for a woman over 70 and she had lived a good life loads of kids to be proud off, grandkids with all she was happy with life. Another was a child who never lived died at the age of 7 of leukemia without really knowing life, i accept disease is part and parcel of life and everyone is vulnerable. But the next one has just kicked me in the nuts. I knew him and we always got on well, only in the last few months did i get to know him really well.

But of all the people i know who have passed none have made me feel this way, i actually cried for the 1st time. I buried family and never cried but this one has just knocked the stuffing out of me. I dont think its because he was the same age as me i have never questioned my own mortality as i know im going to die just hope its explosive and exciting. But for once i dont think i can deal with death


anthony

In someone older you view their passing as part of the natural order. In someone who is younger and a peer it seems sensless and will impact on yourself more as you can see that, literally it could be you, it is no longer an abstract.

Part of what you may be feeling is perhaps grief and self awareness.

Wondering how or when you are going to pass on, while occurring to you should not dominate,while considering how you would handle death, it is more important to consider how you will progress in life.

Cancer-chick

OP i have a serious illness and like most people in 20's/30's didnt think it would happen to me.. Not after losing my mum to it.

I buried my mum after 3 long years of a battle with breast cancer and i can honestly say i never thought i would get through it.. But i did and you will.
When i myself was diagnosed i lost 2/3 friendships because some friends could not handle the fact that i was so ill and the future was so uncertain. I went through phases of telling everyone how much i loved them and telling my loved ones that i was going to do everything that i had ever wanted to do because life is so precious.. But then i would hit a phase of thinking 'My mum wont see me get married , Will i see my daughter.. ' and i would hit a black wall in my head.
When you hit that point, (and im in my late twenties) You start to think about death a lot..
You cant change death but you can live your life to the full if you are blessed with good health and some courage!
I feel for you having lost your friend. But maybe try to see it as a sign of how precious our time here is .. You will be ok.. I found counselling helped when i just couldnt explain to anyone how choked up i was thinking about my mums last days .. maybe try that because it really helps just to have someone impartial listen.

Sorry for the rambling but i hope that helps

Cateym

stepbar wrote:

Its a tough one. Thankfully I have never had to deal with anybody close dying. But there will come a time when I will have to deal with it (my granny is 91) and TBH when she does die, I will be heartbroken. I would also like to hear how other people have dealt with death.

My grandad passed away 4 weeks ago today and was 91. I am slightly concerned at the way I've dealt with it. In a way I've be waiting for it to happen for a long time. I lost my other set of grandparents in my teens and both died suddenly which was very tough.

Grandad got ill almost 3 wks before he passed away and I had a chance to see him and get used to the idea, even though he couldn't see or talk to me.
I was very very close to him as a child and teenager but I moved away to uni and for work and the closeness reduced a bit.

I cried of course but I don't think it has sunk in at all. I am away from the family home and I think this has alot to do with it. I'm waiting for it to hit me.

Pirbright

I lost my Dad when I was 9. He was only 35 when he dropped dead of a massive heart attack. 24 years later I'm only now dealing with it as back then "boys didn't cry" and I was told to be the "man of the house". I never went to the funeral (Mum thought it would be too upsetting) so I never went through grieving as in my mind I had nothing to grieve at. It was like he disappeared. Whats made me look at death and the shock, anger, frustration, sadness and lonliness it leaves in its wake was the fact that I nearly died last summer. it opened up a can of worms for me which took me a couple of months to get a handle on and realise that to overcome the fear of death you need to accept it happens to everyone and can strike whenever it feels like. You can't fight it. You just have to accept.

_blank_

KdjaCL wrote:

Been to a few funeral masses in the last few days and another coming up, i sort of deal with death in a weird way and take the "lived a good life, remember the good only" type attitude towards them. the funeral was for a woman over 70 and she had lived a good life loads of kids to be proud off, grandkids with all she was happy with life. Another was a child who never lived died at the age of 7 of leukemia without really knowing life, i accept disease is part and parcel of life and everyone is vulnerable. But the next one has just kicked me in the nuts. I knew him and we always got on well, only in the last few months did i get to know him really well.

But of all the people i know who have passed none have made me feel this way, i actually cried for the 1st time. I buried family and never cried but this one has just knocked the stuffing out of me. I dont think its because he was the same age as me i have never questioned my own mortality as i know im going to die just hope its explosive and exciting. But for once i dont think i can deal with death


anthony

Hey Anto.

Sorry to hear about your mate's passing, I really am.

I lost a very close friend three years ago this June ( Jesus, I can't believe it's that long ago)

This is how we got through it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=167599

Everyone deals with death in a different way, and it's not wrong to cry, jesus, of course it isn't.

There are people who are sharing this with you, be there for them, they'll be there for you.

When someone like this, who has very similar interests, is of a very similar age, and someone who you had such a good friendship with passes, it's then that you look at yourself. It's a part of your life that has slipped away.

Just remember this, whenever you are around the people who also shared in the interests he had, whenever you see people enjoying the things he enjoyed (what the lads did last night was brilliant btw), he will be there in all of your hearts. It's his earthly existance that has passed. Not his memory, that will never go away.

He's gone somewhere we can't be, but he can be still here with us.

Chin up mate.

CathyMoran

I think that when someone your own age dies it always hits you harder. When I was 6 my best friend who was also 6 died in a fire, to this day I still think about her. Like Cancer-chick I have recently had to face my own mortality both with my mum (who luckily did not die from a brain hameorrage but who was badly injured as a result) and with myself where I am living with cancer (in remission at the moment).

A few months ago I was living my life day to day because I did not know how long I had - it was actually a wonderful experience as you learn to live every day to its fullest, so it is nothing to be scared about.

Councelling is a good idea if you are finding things hard.

AthAnRi

seansouth wrote:

Hey Anto.

Sorry to hear about your mate's passing, I really am.

I lost a very close friend three years ago this June ( Jesus, I can't believe it's that long ago)

This is how we got through it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=167599

Everyone deals with death in a different way, and it's not wrong to cry, jesus, of course it isn't.

There are people who are sharing this with you, be there for them, they'll be there for you.

When someone like this, who has very similar interests, is of a very similar age, and someone who you had such a good friendship with passes, it's then that you look at yourself. It's a part of your life that has slipped away.

Just remember this, whenever you are around the people who also shared in the interests he had, whenever you see people enjoying the things he enjoyed (what the lads did last night was brilliant btw), he will be there in all of your hearts. It's his earthly existance that has passed. Not his memory, that will never go away.

He's gone somewhere we can't be, but he can be still here with us.

Chin up mate.

This line is only haf correct. Everyone deals with death exactly the same way however their reactions to their emotions are all expressed differently.

there are 3 stages involved in dealing with loss. Loss does not necessarily mean death but quite often it does. Losing someone you love is dealt with by you body and mind in exactly the same way.

First stage is Shock/Denial
When the news breaks first it is devastating.so your mind shuts down and so does your body. you don't feel like eating and your mind is all over the place. You don't know whether to laugh or cry

Second stage is Anger/Depression
When the news finaly sinks in and you know it's a fact you start to feel down and somtimes angry. You feel that it's so unfair that someone can be taken from you just as you were getting to know them.

Final stage is Acceptance
Pretty self explanatory but this is also the hardest part. once you have accepted the news then you can start to move on.

the length of time these stages take vary from person to person. However it is important to know that feeling these emotions are a very positive thing. It means you are aware that you are healing and this in iself can speed up the process.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

Shinners23

Everyone deals with death differently. But the four stages detailed above will always occur. I know when best mate past away people would say " times a great healer" - it was the one comment that made my blood boil but it is very true.

Schlemm

Although death is the sole certainty that we have in this life, it is also 1 of the hardest things to cope with.

I remember coming to terms with my own mortality in a similar way to which you did - very suddenly. I was about 12 or 13 and I grew up very fast in some ways then. One day, the whole concept of death sort of hit me, it was like a slap in the face, a wake up call. The trigger for this was basically I found a cyst on my arm - totally harmless, but I had no idea at the time - and I thought that I had cancer and would die. Complete overreaction I know! But I found out what it was and relaxed about it, the thought process that I'd been through had left a big impact on me.

Like yourself, I would never cry much at funerals, even some of the toughest I've ever been to. But when I became acutely aware of the whole idea of death by seeing it through another, and very personal, paradigm, I got very depressed and wondered what the point to life is at all. I saw death in relation to my own life, and this new paradigm of death triggered some massive changes with regards to my perception of both life and death alike. Perhaps you have seen a reflection of yourself in your friend in both his life and death, and you've gained new insights into your own life from the experience.

When you catch your reflection in a grim experience, especially for the first time, it is very tough to process. What I did initially was I read about death, I read stories of people who are terminally ill, I read Emily Dickinson's poetry, I read stories about people who die tragically, who are executed and so on. Around this time my Uncle had a near death experience on a life support machine....he says that it was one of the most peaceful experiences he has ever had and that he does not fear death, although he has poor health.

What I learned from it all is that death will come to us all, and we know not the day nor the hour.....but it is how we cope with it and percieve it that makes the difference. After my perception of death changed, I was initially terrified of death but I feel now that with some time and maturity that I have a better understanding of it. I recently watched the RTE documentary on the Hospice and there was much to be learned about both life and death from the people it featured, too much to detail within the space of a post here. Another interesting way to learn about death is to look at how animals cope with it, both in the wild and in domesticated situations. They are less emotional about death although they accept it with a great understanding and seem to be more in tune with their instincts when it comes to death. This has taught me that our emotions can both cloud our view of death as well as our better judgement, or can be used to colour our instincts with a deeper understanding and enable us to cope.

Understanding takes time, but do not shy away from the concept of death; rather educate yourself about it, and you will find that you will cope better and make peace with the idea of death. And although it sounds strange, coming to terms with death over time will make you appreciate every second of your life with renewed vigor. Savour and chew on the emotions that you are experiencing; writing down your thoughts will help you cope. If you can come to terms with this new realisation and make peace with the notion of death, your perception of life may well be the better for it.

TheDriver

I am a teacher in my late 20s and try seeing pupils that you taught for years dying. Seen few already from accidents to illnesses especially ones you know are heading that way. Its tough but must admit it has made me tougher as years have gone on, bit like guard or fireman who gets used to seeing it. You have to coz their mates are in bits the following days and we are the pillars they need.