Halfway Hotel

Argie

My stay has been too long
Here, in this Halfway Hotel
Of dreamlessness and structure
Each morning I pack my suitcase with hope.
My belongings too:
A toothbrush, a faded nightdress
And an idealistic book of battered poems.
With my world folded inside
The suitcase is still empty.

Each day I take a last look
At my sleep-stale room
I flip the sign on the door-handle
So the sheets are cleaned
And immaculately laid
In their strait whiteness.
They wait for the tossings and turnings
Of a new set of arms and legs
Until again, as always, I return
A disappointment.

I lie, each night, dejectedly still
A stone sleeper in sheets of steel
Suffocated by the orange gloom
Subtly soulless in my whirring room.

DamoBrad

i got quite a lot of pictures whilst re-readin this over and over.. so stop me if i'm wrong but i reali like how you roll out a picture of how life can be so materilistic and that moving lightly can pace the unheaval of problems that life throws at us.


"And an idealistic book of battered poems." draws attention that possibly this is either a ticket to the buildin montage that there is more to come or its a diary concept of how each day deals the same..

but top marks.. its well written and i love how it conveys dramatic images unique to each individual reader..

Paligulus

I like this, I think the second stanza is the strongest by far. In my opinion it would have had more impact if you had of left the final four lines out (I lie...room). It kind of takes away from stanza 2....thats just my opinion though!!!:)

Argie

Thanks to both of you.
Damobrad: It is kind of intended to mean different things to different readers, I'm not even sure what it means.

Paligulus: I see your point about the last four lines and every time I look back I'm torn. Thanks for your opinion, it certainly has a great deal of merit, regardless of the mental torment it's caused

OliverTheLithe

Yes!

shiv

I like the flow of images in this one, lovely...

Think you could do without the last line or last verse as someone else said...

Valmont

no no leave the last line in, it pulled my tongue out as I mouthed it!

stevejazzx

excellent poem
don't like the last verse except
'stone sleeper in sheets of steel'
dejectedly sounds too direct...and subtly soulless just doesn't work but apart from that I thought it was really good in particular the phrases 'dreamlessness and structure' and sleep-stale room. that has quite a Joycian sound to it. kudos.

Outcast

I think I'm going to side with the taking the last verse out camp. It's a bit too explicit, doesn't fit with the rest...