What is going on here - weird friend behaviour

LegacyUser

A bit trivial, but it's starting to bother me.

I'm twenty-seven, my friend is twenty-six.

Now, I recently moved in with another friend (he is also 26) who got his apartment on the shared-ownership. It's great.

So, he recently broke up with a girl after a relationship of about a year, however, they work together. The week I moved in she put in a complaint about him in work, he wasn't talking to her, well he was, but just in a strictly professional sense, and had stopped all social contact. Anyway, he told me about this, but asked me not to mention it to our other friend. Fair enough, I said, your business is your business.

Anyway, the boss asked them to come to a meeting to sort it. A week later she stayed the night in our apartment. I was like wtf?! but again, fair enough, your business is your business. He has always been quite private about his realationships. I have no problem with that. He again asked me not to say anything to the other friend, about his ex staying over. Again, fair enough.

Now, two weeks ago this other friend wanted to come over on the Wednesday evening. On the Tuesday my housemate told me he was thinking of having his ex over for dinner, and would I mind putting my other friend off if he was. I agreed, anyway, I realised that I had forgotten some other plans I had made for the Wednesday, so I got in touch with my other friend and told her that, instead of hurting her feelings that housemate didn't want her in the apartment that evening. A little white lie I suppose, I had got other arrangements.

I was out at my prior engagement, which finished up at about ten and I knew that some other friends were in the pub with the friend I was supposed to be having over. She texted me asking if I was coming down, I was tired, so I declined. She then said that she wasn't really enjoying the evening in the pub, and wanted to head up to mine. I asked if my housemate was in the pub. He was, so this indicated to me at least that he hadn't had the ex over for dinner, and it would be ok for her to come back. Maybe I should have rang to ask him, I didn't.

She arrived to the apartment at about eleven, and we had a couple of cans. I was watching some sport highlights, but we were chatting. She was lying on the couch, and went quiet, so I assumed she was asleep. The highlights weren't over by the time housemate arrives home. The ex was with him. He lost the rag completely. "What's she doing here, she was in the pub and didn't tell me she was coming" etc. She didn't stir on the couch, so I assumed she slept throiugh this. He was muttering something else to his ex, but I don't know what, more ranting I suppose.

I got up for work the next morning, and she was still on the couch, I didn't wake her, as I knew she'd be up before the other two and make tracks.

She rang me at about ten that morning, she was at home, saying she had heard all he had been saying, and that the pair of them had sat up for about another hour and he hadn't stopped saying stuff about her. She wasn't too happy, but seemed ok with me. Afterall, I hadn't done anything to her, had I?

Next evening, when housemate got home from work he apologised to me for his ranting the previous night, fair enough, I accepted, no point letting things fester. He also explained that he didn't really want the other friend around when the ex was there. OK then, it's your place.

Now, fast forward to the middle of last week, she rang me to tell me some friends of ours were heading up to Dublin from Carlow for the weekend. She had told me this a few weeks back, and I said I'd definitely be up for meeting them for a few drinks or whatever. The next day my girlfriend told me she had decided to leave her job earlier than her notice, so would be leaving last friday, and then heading to see her brother in Italy for a while on Sunday. This meant my plans had to change a little. I used to work in the same place as her, so I wanted to go out for her 'leaving drinks'. I told my friend that my plans would be changing, and she went very cold on me. Telling me I should at least make the effort to see our friends form Carlow, as they had out us up on a recent visit to them. I agreed, but explained to her that with my girlfriend leaving early on Sunday morning, I'd want to either stay in hers, or have her stay in mine on Saturday night and not be out oo late. I'd be watching the Ireland match on Saturday, probably in the apartment with the lads over, so might not have the time to meet the Carlow crowd.

I asked her to let me know what the plans were for Saturday, that I might head to see them for the match. I never heard form her again last week, so on Friday headed straight from work to my girlfriend's work thing, and ended up staying her place on Friday. On saturday morning I texted my friend to ask where they were watching the match. She told me her brother's house. It would have been next to impossible to get there form my girlfriends in time for the match.

I told her this, no reply, and I haven't heard from her since.

This is VERY strange, as usually she'd at least ring every second day or so, or call up to the apartment.

What I fail to see, is what I did wrong.

I have two questions really.

1. What did I do to my friend to warrant her cutting contact like this? WTF is going on with her?

2. Is it fair for housemate to insist that I don't have OUR friend in the place when the ex is around. Like that night, I didn't know she would definitely be coming back, so thought it would be cool to have the other friend there. Do I have to call to ask him everytime I want to have OUR friend over? He is my landlord now, but this is the only thing I can see a problem with. We've been friends since early childhood. We get on very well.

MojoMaker

No way on God's good earth you guys are 26 & 27.

davyjose

conf?sed wrote:

2. Is it fair for housemate to insist that I don't have OUR friend in the place when the ex is around.

If you pay rent, then NO.

Alter-Ego

Maybe you could, i dunno, ask her whats wrong?

Am i thinking too far outside the box?...

Red Alert

it's very unclear in the first paragraph exactly who broke up with who and who stayed over - maybe i'm just reading this a little too late at night

the_syco

davyjose wrote:

If you pay rent, then NO.

I second this. You pay rent, then you don't have to follow every rule he makes up on the spur of the moment.

4Xcut

1)Just ask.

2)No, its not fair. Not without good reason anyway. I would ask that he give you a reason if he is going to insist on this as she is your friend.

boffin

1. Nothing as far as I can tell from your post. Other reasons could be that she has a "thing" for you and in that case got jealous of you spending time with others or felt that she always makes the effort to stay friends and make arrangements etc. But this is complete speculation and you could come up with a 100 of them so I would suggest you just ask her

2. Its not fair of your friend to this this. I can see where he is coming from in that he wants to keep it private while they are sorting things out and seeing where things are going but its not fair to ask you never to ask her around if his ex is there. That would be like living at home always having to ask permission - what a pain!

Beruthiel

conf?sed wrote:

On saturday morning I texted my friend to ask where they were watching the match. She told me her brother's house. It would have been next to impossible to get there form my girlfriends in time for the match.

I told her this, no reply, and I haven't heard from her since.

Once again, I will say, that texting is the worst form of communication ever!
Have you picked up your phone and called her to talk since?

This is VERY strange, as usually she'd at least ring every second day or so, or call up to the apartment.

Perhaps she overheard somethings that night and hasn't told you about them. Again, ask her.

1. What did I do to my friend to warrant her cutting contact like this? WTF is going on with her?

You lied to her. I wouldn't lie for anyone. If they wish to tell lies, fair enough but I wouldn't lie for them on their behalf. At 26 that's just pure silliness.

Is it fair for housemate to insist that I don't have OUR friend in the place when the ex is around.

It's his gaf, he can insist on whatever he wishes. I'd suggest moving out if you cannot live with him.

Do I have to call to ask him everytime I want to have OUR friend over?

Isn't that a question you should be directing to him? How are we to know the answer to that?

Something's clearly going on with him, try talking it out with him and explain that you are finding the situation very strange and awkward.