girlfriend might break up with me

LegacyUser

I am very concerned.
Before I met my current girlfriend I had seen another girl a few times and slept with her a couple of times.

After I met my cgf I saw ag once and slept with her. Then a week after that I lold ag I couldn't see her anymore, because I had developed feelings for cgf.

I mentioned this to cgf and she hit the roof. She said that from the moment we started seeing each other I shouldn't have seen anyone else. I mean WFT? Was I supposed to have feelings for her from day 1.

Anyway I want advice how to smooth this problem away.

tia

Beruthiel

OP
I find it exceedingly difficult to read your text above. Any chance of you using proper english please?

worriedsick wrote:

II mentioned this to cgf and she hit the roof. She said that from the moment we started seeing each other I shouldn't have seen anyone else.

If I understand the above correctly, you slept with your g/f when you just met her and then someone else just after?
If this is the case, then how were you to know at that stage that you would be going out with her again on a regular basis?
She needs to calm done and think about logically.

LegacyUser

she thinks I should have known my feelings from the beginning and the whole start of our relationship is coarsened by my having seen someone else at the same time as her.

But I didn't know I was going to be in a monogamous relationship with her after only 1 week.

Beruthiel

worriedsick wrote:

she thinks I should have known my feelings from the beginning and the whole start of our relationship is.

Ya sure :rolleyes:
If you're Mystic Meg.
What age are you guys, cos that sounds like something a 14 year old would say.

BeardyGit

You realise it was a foolish thing to tell your girlfriend in the first place, don't you? What were you trying to say to her anyway?

The whole idea of a new girlfriend having a recent 'past' with someone else wouldn't bother me much, as long as I wasn't yet sleeping with her at the time as 'my girlfriend', if you understand what I mean. I wouldn't want to hear anything about it....Like who or why etc.

When it comes down to it, there's nothing to do really at this point. You can say what you like, but she'll just be thinking of you having that last shag with 'yer wan'. No amount of whispering sweet nothings will fix that.

That was just silly.

{edited for clarity}

shellie11

worriedsick wrote:

she thinks I should have known my feelings from the beginning and the whole start of our relationship is coarsened by my having seen someone else at the same time as her.

But I didn't know I was going to be in a monogamous relationship with her after only 1 week.

Was one girl not enough for you? You must have known that this was going to upset your current girlfriend - nobody would be happy to hear that someone they are currently dating is sleepinig with someone else too:eek:

Just be honest with your current girlfriend and if you have strong feelings for her and she really wants to be with you well then she may forgive you.

AnonoBoy

Despite the original post being nearly illegible I'll do my best to offer advice.

First off - were you officially 'going out' with this girl? Were you referring to her as 'my girlfriend' when you slept with the other girl? If so then you probably should have kept it in your pants and not shagged the other girl. If however you were only starting out and there was no definite position then it was fair enough.

Your mistake was telling the girl. What was the point of that? Were you trying to make her jealous or make her realise that you could have lots of girls? I can't imagine what you thought was going to come of it - what girl would want to hear about you shagging someone else just after you had met her?

My advice - chalk this one up to experience buddy and learn that, whether you're in the wrong or not, girls really don't want to hear about other chicks you've shagged.

Boston

Beruthiel wrote:

If I understand the above correctly, you slept with your g/f when you just met her and then someone else just after?
If this is the case, then how were you to know at that stage that you would be going out with her again on a regular basis?
She needs to calm done and think about logically.

You see, you say that and I agree with it, but a lot of people don't. Personally if you haven't had the "We're in a relationship/exclusive" conversation or where there's doubt over whether or not in just some fun which might stop at any moment, then all is fair. Mentioned this view recently to a group of friends and some where totally appalled at the attitude.

AnonoBoy

Boston wrote:

Mentioned this view recently to a group of friends and some where totally applauded at the attitude.

Did they stand and take a bow in appreciation of this applause they were getting?

spinandscribble

i think most ppl assume it as cheating once you're offical a couple. im guessing you were still in the "what are we stage"?

BoozyBabe

Yes, as others have said.

I think the question is:- when you slept with the other girl, did you consider your now girlfriend as being your girlfriend, or was it still at the stage of "nice girl who I met that I might meet up with again"

If you already had the 'we're an item conversation', then you were wrong, as that automatically implies a monogamous relationship.

If not, then she's a bit OTT. In saying that, even though we know our partners have a history, we'd rather not know about it.

So, for that part, you were just stupid for telling her!!!!

vorbis

yeah, I'd echo other people in saying that you did nothing wrong except one thing. Telling her! Why oh why oh why did you tell her something like that? You'll just have to wait and see if she gets over this. Don't apologise for it, just explain that ye weren't a couple. Still though, never tell a girl something like this again!

PeakOutput

worriedsick wrote:

I am very concerned.
Before I met my current girlfriend I had seen another girl a few times and slept with her a couple of times.

After I met my cgf I saw ag once and slept with her. Then a week after that I lold ag I couldn't see her anymore, because I had developed feelings for cgf.

I mentioned this to cgf and she hit the roof. She said that from the moment we started seeing each other I shouldn't have seen anyone else. I mean WFT? Was I supposed to have feelings for her from day 1.

Anyway I want advice how to smooth this problem away.

tia

as far as i am concerned until you have the awkward conversation about "being exclusive" then either of you can be with someone else if you want to be. if she doesnt believe the same thing then in her eyes you have cheated on her but i think thats a bit of an extreme stance for her to take.

i dont have any advice on how to deal with the situation i am afraid but from jsut what you have told us i dont think you have done anything wrong

PeakOutput

vorbis wrote:

Still though, never tell a girl something like this again!

i dont know why but that made me lol hard so so true

iguana

Or maybe, just maybe, to his current girlfriend (if she still is) the act of sleeping with someone is a fairly big commitment. Lots of people do feel like that and it certainly does not make her immature or unusual.

When I was single I had plenty of sexual partners, but if I slept with somebody who I had the hope of seeing again, then I would wait until I knew that we weren't going anywhere before having sex with someone else.

I can see why the OP's girlfriend would be upset and I think the only real chance the OP has is to try and understand why she is upset.

PeakOutput

iguana wrote:

Or maybe, just maybe, to his current girlfriend (if she still is) the act of sleeping with someone is a fairly big commitment. Lots of people do feel like that and it certainly does not make her immature or unusual.

When I was single I had plenty of sexual partners, but if I slept with somebody who I had the hope of seeing again, then I would wait until I knew that we weren't going anywhere before having sex with someone else.

I can see why the OP's girlfriend would be upset and I think the only real chance the OP has is to try and understand why she is upset.

well maybe it does but i doubt if she had that strong feelings on the subject she would of slept with him in the first week???

i cant find where the op said he had slept with his "cgf" at the time he slept with "ag" for the last time.........are we sure they had slept together?

Cake Fiend

I think it's reasonable to expect that if you've boned someone, and there's a good chance that you'll meet up again, that you should clarify whether the other person expects it to be exclusive right off the bat or not.

TBH, I think most people would expect it to be.

~nop~

Shouldn't have told her.

And nowhere in the original post does he say that he had slept with the "cgf" before he slept with the other girl.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the good advice.
She was thinking about our first weekend together and I slept with this other girl the night before that. Anyway all is sorted, I explained that we are a couple I would never cheat (I am not the cheating kind) I didn't say sorry. But all is OK'

padser

Schoolboy error telling her that. It was never going to go down well. However it sounds like she is making a big deal out of it to get attention. I would call her bluff.....tell her if she can't deal with then it will have to end......I'd put money on her climbing down!

davyjose

Gil_Dub wrote:

You realise it was a foolish thing to tell your girlfriend in the first place, don't you? What were you trying to say to her anyway?

Exactly - unless you had genuine guilt, which would imply that you partly agree with current girlfriend perhaps???

LegacyUser

'Now she tells me that she feels that we have to talk this though. She keeps grilling me about dates and so on. I slept with this other once after I had been with my current girl twice.

I don't think it is cheating.

She doesn't agree or at least it is stuck in he rhead.'

Chinafoot

worriedsick wrote:

She was thinking about our first weekend together and I slept with this other girl the night before that.

worriedsick wrote:

I slept with this other once after I had been with my current girl twice.

So you shagged this other girl the night before you got with your current girlfriend. You were then with your current girlfriend twice before sleeping with this other girl again..

Now the occasion the night before you and your current girlfriend got together is irrelevant as you weren't together then.

Maybe she (your current girlfriend) thinks that because you and she had been together more than once there was more of an implication that you two were at the beginnings of your relationship and you should have been giving it a chance instead of seeing what happens with her while going off and having sex with someone else..

Had you only been with your current girlfriend the once, I wouldn't see a problem as who is to know if anything further would have happened.

It's hard to define the relationship at the start though, as you don't want to be seen to be rushing things but I guess it solves problems like this.

It's understandable that she wants to talk it out. In her mind she might see it as cheating whereas to be honest it seems like a lack of communication and people expecting very different things. I guess that, after being with with you twice and obviously liking you a lot, she wanted to see how things would go and maybe she felt that being with someone else at the same time wouldn't be right.

Also, I agree with the others. You shouldn't have opened your mouth about this. Why did you even tell her?

Gyalist

Hmmm... you have what I'd call a "high quality"problem. This is actually very easy to solve.

You need to *reframe* your thinking about this situation. What your girlfriend is doing is expressing her insecurities that you might dump her for another woman. For very many evolutionary and psychological reasons, women are attracted to men who other women find attractive. Your girlfriend knows that other women find you attractive so you should use this to your advantage. Instead of moping around about your girlfriend being about to dump you, explain to her that you had a choice to make and you chose her.

Now the way you express this is crucial. If you do this in the usual logical way that men speak to each other, all that she will hear is "the other girl... blah, blah, blah". You have to learn to speak like a chick and use the same emotional words that they use. Tell her that your heart was torn but you chose her and that you're very happy with your choice. This appeals to women's innate competitiveness with other women and also subcommunicates to her that she is better for you than the other woman. After that, do not keep rehashing the topic even though she may want to. Show your commitment through your actions and not your words.

Do not discuss your previous relationships with your girlfriend except in the most general terms. If she wants to know tell her "what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom". What you are establishing is that she can trust you to be discreet and that whatever she confides in you during the relationship will remain just between you and her.

Do not apologise for this incident. Just acknowledge her fears and manage them. Never apologise for being a man, never apologise for being sexual for therein lies the path to unhappy, unequal relationships.

padser

Gyalist wrote:

Hmmm... you have what I'd call a "high quality"problem. This is actually very easy to solve.

You need to *reframe* your thinking about this situation. What your girlfriend is doing is expressing her insecurities that you might dump her for another woman. For very many evolutionary and psychological reasons, women are attracted to men who other women find attractive. Your girlfriend knows that other women find you attractive so you should use this to your advantage. Instead of moping around about your girlfriend being about to dump you, explain to her that you had a choice to make and you chose her.

Now the way you express this is crucial. If you do this in the usual logical way that men speak to each other, all that she will hear is "the other girl... blah, blah, blah". You have to learn to speak like a chick and use the same emotional words that they use. Tell her that your heart was torn but you chose her and that you're very happy with your choice. This appeals to women's innate competitiveness with other women and also subcommunicates to her that she is better for you than the other woman. After that, do not keep rehashing the topic even though she may want to. Show your commitment through your actions and not your words.

Do not discuss your previous relationships with your girlfriend except in the most general terms. If she wants to know tell her "what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom". What you are establishing is that she can trust you to be discreet and that whatever she confides in you during the relationship will remain just between you and her.

Do not apologise for this incident. Just acknowledge her fears and manage them. Never apologise for being a man, never apologise for being sexual for therein lies the path to unhappy, unequal relationships.

Considering adding Gyalist as my first ever boards 'buddy'. This is the most magical post I have ever seen on boards.

Top advice as well, really top quality advice

ILMF

...and the next time you have sex with ag, don't say anything about it to your cgf!