Help? Need Good Advice! Relationship

LegacyUser

Ok so me and my girlfriend have been together nearly 2 years now. I felt we had a steady but not rock solid relationship. she felt it was rock solid. Recently I've been talking to her about my trust issues with her. I told her I didn trust her when she was under the influence or around one or two certain people. She told me the same.

Now Heres the problem:
Last Thursday We were talkin about all the problems we were having, We agreed after a lenghty chat that everything was sorted. Now one of the men that i didn trust her with is in her Work Group. They all went to Carlow for a night out. She invited me but I declined wanting to give her independence. I asked her to behave down there and she promised me that nothing would happen. She swore on her dead mothers grave that it would be ok and that I could trust her nd Im worng to have trust issues.

I happily went to work, Asked her to text me when she was home in hotel safe. She did. Went to bed happy. Next mornin she calls into me and tells me she kissed this specific man the previous nite. She said it was about six in the mornin and they were both hammered drunk. Ive since had an apology from him and her crying for hours upon hours over it and telling me how sorry she was and how important I am to her. She even wrote me a long letter detailing all of this.

I know a kiss is only a kiss but I dont know if I can trust her anymore and if I should end it or stay with it. I must add that I do love her so very much. But I am honestly heartbroken that she can promise and swear and yet do this to me.

She wants to sort it all oout but even the though of her with him makes me sick, I dont know if i can ever trust her again.

What should I do?
ANY ADVICE AT ALL WOULD BE SO HELPFUL
thanks everyone

spinandscribble

had anything ever happened before between them or has she done anything before?

what time did she txt you to her you she was home. i think its strange it was six in the morning when she kissed him since she told you she was home

catherine22

if you feel you cant trust her, i think you may have your answer but then it depends on how much you want to fight for the relationship.

as she works with him, she will probably see him again, may even go out to the pub with him again, how will you feel if that happens? you cant watch her all the time, nor should you have to.

maybe the fact that she kissed him will be a good thing for your realtionship because it will make her see how she really feels for you.

it comes down to trusting her enough. i am by no means an expert- far from it really, but the only person who can answer this is you. everyone can tell you what they would do in your situation but it wont really help you. give it a day or two, your feelings are probably still really raw. so dont make any snap decisions. think about what would happen if you did break up, how woud that affect you and then take it from there

melekalikimaka

its hardy like the convo you had with her wasn't fresh in her mind, if she did that right after the chat, whats the future gonna be like, once a cheater...

LegacyUser

Answer to first question, She was in her room with him and a lot of other work colleaugues, sort of an after club party! She has done nothin before only be perfect

Catherine I agree, they are still raw, I do wanna fight for this but is it worth the stress of bein worried about her loyalty all the time? Need some help I cant get it out of my head!

Wibbs

catherine22 wrote:

if you feel you cant trust her, i think you may have your answer but then it depends on how much you want to fight for the relationship.

Apologies in advance for nicking someone else's post but it's good advice and bears repeating.

you cant watch her all the time, nor should you have to.

True again.

maybe the fact that she kissed him will be a good thing for your realtionship because it will make her see how she really feels for you.

And how you really feel about her.

it comes down to trusting her enough. i am by no means an expert- far from it really, but the only person who can answer this is you. everyone can tell you what they would do in your situation but it wont really help you. give it a day or two, your feelings are probably still really raw. so dont make any snap decisions. think about what would happen if you did break up, how woud that affect you and then take it from there

Good advice comes in fours it seems.

like catherine22 I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of your relationship. All I would say, is why did she kiss this bloke? What is the reason she gave for kissing this bloke or any bloke? What did it give her that she maybe felt was lacking in her life(not always the relationship? It seems she wants to be with you, letter etc, so that's the reason I ask.

If it's blamed on the demon drink then she has to face up to some uncomfortable questions about her alcohol consumption. Don't always believe the old "in vino veritas" guff either. In my drinkin days I've told people I disliked I thought they were great and people I liked I dismissed all too easily. Hence I don't drink to that degree anymore.

You both need to sit down and thrash this out honestly, if you, the pair of you, have any hope of growing, either separately or together. The "once a cheater..." is all to often to pat an answer. the question you should ask yourself and her is why did she cheat. Is it because she wants out? Is it because she feels that she hasn't experienced enough? Is it the drink? there are many questions she and you should be asking.

It's a hard one though. I think the best advice anyone can give is for the pair of you to talk about this.

LegacyUser

Wibbs, thank you so much.

I probably should have mentioned this. She told me she kissed him because she had felt lately that I havent been as attracted to her as much anymore and she wanted to know if someone else was attracted to her!

She has also been worried about her alcohol consumption, She has had a rough time lately with stress and important exams coming up and her parents recently split.

It makes sense I suppose! no?

I tried to talk to her and at times all I want is to forgive and forget but other times the anger and pain is so strong that I cant stand to see her!

0utshined

ManInNeed wrote:

She swore on her dead mothers grave that it would be ok and that I could trust her nd Im worng to have trust issues...

...Next mornin she calls into me and tells me she kissed this specific man the previous nite. She said it was about six in the mornin and they were both hammered drunk.

You had a big talk on Thursday and told her all your concerns. After all that she went and got drunk and kissed some other guy because "she had felt lately that I havent been as attracted to her as much anymore and she wanted to know if someone else was attracted to her!"

That comes across to me as a bullshít excuse. If she was feeling you weren't attracted to her maybe telling you when you were having your big talk would have been a good idea? In fact she could have talked to you about it at any time. You've been going out two years, right?

I don't know you man, but if my girl did that after we had a talk like that she would no longer be someone I'd trust or want to know.

I'm not getting why the other guy would want to contact you to apologise though, what's the deal with that?

OLDYELLAR

Having been in a situation like this and not ended it at the time , Id have to say I totally regret not ending it , trust is a very major part of a relationship and for me anyway I think once thats gone theres not much left between ye as a lot of the spark and intimacy goes .

I know yea a kiss is just a kiss and there was drink involved etc etc but if yer going out with somebody you should be at least able to relax and trust them when their out on a night out on their own.

Breaking ups hard alright , but after a few months you`ll realise you did the right thing and find somebody that you can trust.

seamus

It's pretty much already been said.

You didn't trust her around certain people. She didn't trust herself. That should say it all for you. The very fact that you even felt the need to ask her to promise to behave, and the fact that she seriously agreed and swore to you (if it was a proper relationship, she'd have told you to grow up and she'd see you tomorrow! ), shows that even she wasn't sure if she could be faithful. A relationship is hard enough when one partner can't trust another, but when a partner can't even trust themselves, then you have no hope.

It's not like this could possibly have been just some drunken mistake. You had raised your concerns with her, just a few hours before she did it. To go ahead and commit the act anyway, is either an attempt to break your relationship, or a general blasé-ness about you.

Or perhaps she really is crazy about you, but has her own unresolved issues that caused her to do this. Either way, it's over. I wouldn't recommend fighting for this relationship, as all you're guaranteed is more heartache and stress. She will do this again. And she'll cry and cry and cry and cry, and you'll take her back and she'll do it again.

Cut her loose. She has her own issues to sort out. Let her sort them out, and if you're meant to be together, you may meet up again in a few years' time.

Wibbs

ManInNeed wrote:

I probably should have mentioned this. She told me she kissed him because she had felt lately that I havent been as attracted to her as much anymore and she wanted to know if someone else was attracted to her!

That's possible. It brings up a few questions too. Why does she think you're not as attracted to her? At two years the honeymoon period is probably over, hopefully to be replaced by something more intimate and lasting. This changeover can shock some. Also, is she right at least partially? Where you giving her a normal level of attention or where you taking her for granted.

Are there self esteem issues above and beyond everyones normal little insecurities? With the stress in her life that may be part of it.

It could be that while she's with you she feels that she may be stuck in a rut and wants to experience more things. Your ages might play a part in that. You're still mentally growing and that natural growth can bring you closer or drive you apart. TBH that can happen at any age. 2 years is a fair chunk of time. Relationships can go through many stages where it's make or break. It sounds like this is one of them.

She has also been worried about her alcohol consumption, She has had a rough time lately with stress and important exams coming up and her parents recently split.

She will want to keep a careful eye on that. Too many people have gotten into bad habits on the back of stress. All you can advise her to do, is be aware of that and that you and others are there for her. That and it will pass, it will get better, when things have settled down and she gets some perspective.

It makes sense I suppose! no?

When people's minds are all over the place, which it seems hers is at the moment, sense can be hard to come by.

I tried to talk to her and at times all I want is to forgive and forget but other times the anger and pain is so strong that I cant stand to see her!

Completely understandable. Both emotions are valid. She did betray your trust so being angry and hurt is natural. Because of the intimacy and shared life you've had for two years the forgive and forget aspect is fighting it's corner. IMHO You can only move on if you understand the reason for this current behaviour and through that understanding resolve it. It's doable, but will require a lot of communication, honesty and work from both of you. If it was me? I'd try. It'll be difficult, but if nothing else you will both learn from it. One way or the other. Sometimes in life the lessons we learn are not always the ones we think we want to know at the time.

Kell

0utshined wrote:

You had a big talk on Thursday and told her all your concerns. After all that she went and got drunk and kissed some other guy because "she had felt lately that I havent been as attracted to her as much anymore and she wanted to know if someone else was attracted to her!"

That comes across to me as a bullshít excuse.

Yup. It also písses all over the excuse that they were blind drunk which was the one she gave you originally.

Leave her where she belongs. Behind. Your fears and worries are justified, now stop wasting your time.

K-

metrovelvet

Was there a reason that you didnt trust her in the first place? That you needed to ask her to "behave?"

Do you think that somehow your expectations have shaped the outcome of this situation?

spinandscribble

her dead mothers grave yet her parents just split?....troll

anyway how is it she actually needed to take it that far to feel attracted? :rolleyes: clearly this guy was a threat and had shown interest since you were worried and clearly she knew this was a possibility since you told her. maybe this is a cynical view but maybe because you told her that this guy seemed keen she acted on it since she didnt know before...

i agree with what kell said above, your gf was back pedaling her story and trying to spread blame after the inital blow of telling you.

Maccattack

Mate. Its simple. You CANT trust her. Do you think she will NEVER do it again?

Dont kid yourself.

Respect yourself and let her go. If you dont you will regret it. maybe not now or in a year or 5. But you will regret it one day.

Respect yourself.