Cheater...

LegacyUser

Hey all

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. Boyfriend and I going out since last summer, long distance relationship (only 2 hours drive away though) and we were both going to be living nearer to each other from June. He had talked about plans for us for the future so I had no reason to doubt that the relationship was in trouble. UNTIL, a friend of mine told me that they thought that he was still in contact with an ex (whom he called a psycho!) and he was regularly getting numbers off girls when he was out and texting them-I mean 15 or more texts a day not just one here and there.

Obviously alarm bells went off, (he did admit to me before that he had cheated on a previous g/f), so my friend rang one of these numbers last week for me and guess what? it just happened to be a woman. Big deal says you...well I decided to confront him so I rang him and asked him straight out was he seeing this woman....."What woman?" So when I said her name he admitted to texting her, then starting grilling me on how I knew and when I refused to answer, he got aggressive and said he wasn't in the f***ing mood to deal with this now.

In my confused and hurt state I decided to ring this woman, spoke to her calmly, told her who I was and asked if she knew my boyfriend. She admitted she did, said there was nothing going on and when I pressed her further all she kept saying was "you have to ask him"

I am so hurt. I have since found that he's in daily contact with the "psycho ex" who by the why he told me was living abroad, when in fact she's very much in the country. He didn't contact me at all for over 24 hours after I rang him, then I got a crappy text saying "u not even gonna talk to me now.." when I didn't answer after 20 mins I got another one "I'll take that as a no....goodbye"

This guy was telling me only was Monday that he loved me so much and how happy he was with me. Am I so naive that I couldn't see through the act? I'm hurt, I trusted him so much....has anybody gone through anything similiar?? I need objective advice...and by the way we are not teens, both nearly hitting our 30's....

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that.

But this guy is a louser and U have to give
him his P45 I'm afraid and show him the
door. This chancer cannot be trusted.
End of story.

Ruu_Old

Sorry to hear the bad news. I think you can be certain there is no saving this relationship especially the way he went on the defensive when you asked about this other woman. Have you talked to him since or is it finished?

LegacyUser

I haven't spoken to him since I confronted him over the phone regarding this other woman and he got aggressive. Although he did text yesterday I didn't reply. He turned it on me by asking was I ever going to talk to him again even though HE hung up on me because he "wasn't in the mood" to talk about it. Its as if I was expected to call him back later at a more convienent time to discuss it. My feelings for him are just numbed at the moment. We had a family wedding coming up in a few weeks and a holiday in early Summer.

Why are some guys never satisfied.....?

axer

All the signs indicate that he is cheating on you. It also looks like he is incapable of being faithful considering he cheated on a girlfriend before this aswell.

Dump him. You can never trust him after this.

Gracie78 wrote:

Why are some guys never satisfied.....?

Some guys, like some girls I believe, have mild attachment disorders in that they need more than one attachment to feel complete. I have no problem with people like that as long as they are honest about it and have an agreed open relationship as a result. His problem is more that he is a lier because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.

You are better off without a boyfriend like that - he cannot change.

Wibbs

Gracie78 wrote:

he was still in contact with an ex

Hmm not always a bad thing but....

and he was regularly getting numbers off girls when he was out and texting them-I mean 15 or more texts a day not just one here and there.

Alarm bells a dingin'.

he got aggressive and said he wasn't in the f***ing mood to deal with this now.

Given the circumstances and his age not a good answer. What is he? Thirteen? He throws his toys out of the pram, because the woman he "loves" wants an explanation of his errant behaviour?

In my confused and hurt state I decided to ring this woman, spoke to her calmly, told her who I was and asked if she knew my boyfriend. She admitted she did, said there was nothing going on and when I pressed her further all she kept saying was "you have to ask him"

I'd probably do similar TBH. The you have to ask him sounds like there may be something going on or she's shít stirring.

This guy was telling me only was Monday that he loved me so much and how happy he was with me. Am I so naive that I couldn't see through the act?

No, girl, if you are colour most of us here naive. If you weren't naive in some way you may never get into a relationship again.

I'm hurt, I trusted him so much....has anybody gone through anything similiar??

Yep and I realised, though it took a while, that my trust in her while misplaced, was not my error. I consider it a strength. If they don't appreciate that strength then they are the losers longterm.

I need objective advice...

For what it's worth I think you should walk away from this "man". I really do. I don't say this lightly but I think you should. Bearing in mind my attitude to a one off infidelity in an otherwise strong relationship, in other threads on the matter, this is not a kneejerk reaction of Never trust a cheater..

and by the way we are not teens, both nearly hitting our 30's....

If you were both 18 I'd say the same thing to you. Now please, this is not meant as offense to the younger men out there, but running around being the jack the lad with the laydeeees at 19 is bad enough. If he hasn't copped on to himself, grown a few basic manners, backbone and integrity in his dealings with a woman he claims to love by the age of 30, may I suggest his ex isn't the only psycho. If he hasn't twigged this by 30 the chances are a lot stronger that he never will.

I wish you the best of Luck here. BTW about hitting your 30's? Hit the fúckers right back.:D

Wibbs

Gracie78 wrote:

I haven't spoken to him since I confronted him over the phone regarding this other woman and he got aggressive.

Another reason to walk. Reacting badly the first time may be excusable. The second time is a red flag.

Its as if I was expected to call him back later at a more convienent time to discuss it.

It does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it. My advice? Don't be that cake.

My feelings for him are just numbed at the moment.

Of course they are. Just remember losing this guy, just means that sooner or later you're open to a better man coming along. Trust me.

Why are some guys never satisfied.....?

The same reason that some women never are. They're muppets(psychological term there). Often they're trying to fill a hole in themselves, that can never be filled until they take stock of themselves. Sooner or later they tend to rue the day too.

limklad

Gracie78 wrote:

I haven't spoken to him since I confronted him over the phone regarding this other woman and he got aggressive.

If he was not guilty then there would be not need to be aggressive and your conversion with the other woman have confirm your suspicions.

Gracie78 wrote:

Why are some guys never satisfied.....?

It is an ego thing! The more he can string on the better for his ego.

If he wasn't satisfied with you he should not have string you along.
As a previous post says give him his P45, normally would not advocate this, but sent it with a text.
Best to put this down to experience.

PeakOutput

limklad wrote:

It is an ego thing! The more he can string on the better for his ego.

i only half agree with that maybe for some fellas it is but i have the biggest ego going and i would never cheat on top of that (and iv only ever been in this situation once) i would not be with a girl i knew was with someone else and i have told girls to take a hike after i found out they had fellas even if they were throwing themselves at me(see big ego) i think alot of the time its cowardice and an easy way out of a relationship coz they dont have the balls to dump the girl to her face or watever

Tak3n

I hope he dumps you for being over possesive and not staying out of his business... what are you his mother ?

So what if he calls/txts other girls?

Wibbs

What? This guy is getting women's numbers and txting/calling them 15 times a day. They're not exactly his female friends now are they? And you don't see this as a tad dubious? He then comes over all aggressive at any inquiry with a woman he claims he loves Again, what? WTF more like

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Relationships to me are all about honesty & trust - if you don't have one or either of those things you don't really have a relationship worth having. Your bf certainly wasn't being honest with you & his behaviour as described in your post sounds less than trustworthy.

I don't mean to sound cheeky but when I read your final comment re your ages but I was surprised to say the least. His behaviour doesn't sound like the kind of open, honest, trustworthy kind that is likely to give you comfort & consideration into old age to me, so maybe you are better off finding out (even if I don't agree with your methods) & moving on. Best of luck.

axer

Tak3n wrote:

I hope he dumps you for being over possesive and not staying out of his business... what are you his mother ?

So what if he calls/txts other girls?

I know, tell me 'bout it. Its not like they are going out! :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

'Thanks to all for your replies, it's helping me to try and sort through this mess. Just a few things...

Wibbs, you made a lot of sense and made things a lot clearer. I just want to say that I have absolutely no problem with him keeping in contact with his ex (I'm still in contact with 2 of my exes and I never hid the fact from my b/f) but he lied about her still living near him and said she now lived abroad.

limklad-I don't really know if sending him a text would even cause him to bat an eyelid.....I feel like not wasting anymore time on him and just deleting his numbers.

PeakOutput: I think it's highly unlikely that he told this other woman that he had a g/f....we are living in 2 different counties at the moment. I also believe that if he wanted to dump me, he would have said it to my face but his behaviour recently was nothing out of the ordinary. We even went away for the long weekend and had a great time.

Tak3n: No I'm not his mother and believe me I'm anything but possessive-I really don't mind if he texts and calls other girls but when he's calling and texting up to 15 times a day, lying to me about doing it and using a second phone- that to me is not normal.

Ickle Magoo: I'm not proud of how I rang this other woman but I wasn't thinking straight at the time- I tried to get my b/f to give me answers and when he didn't I thought the only other thing to do was to ring her and appeal to her better nature. I felt I needed to know and that was the only way. Thanks for your good wishes.'

tbh

OP, he may not be cheating on you but it certainly sounds like he's keeping his options open. If he's not cheating now, he will sooner or later, IMO.

ZiabR

OP yeah i am afraid that he can't e trusted. If he really loved you like he says he does then i think he would have been ringing you to try and explain or at least to talk to you. Texting you after 24 hours, to me does not show that he is really bothered. I find the fact that he was talking about your future together and then does not have the b*lls to talk to you when you have a very valid question.

limklad

PeakOutput wrote:

i only half agree with that maybe for some fellas it is but i have the biggest ego going and i would never cheat on top of that (and iv only ever been in this situation once) i would not be with a girl i knew was with someone else and i have told girls to take a hike after i found out they had fellas even if they were throwing themselves at me(see big ego) i think alot of the time its cowardice and an easy way out of a relationship coz they dont have the balls to dump the girl to her face or watever

Yes it works both ways (gender). Everybody is different in how their ego is fed. What works for you is different for others.