Advice needed - is it over????

Anono2007

Hey guys, only new to this but need objective advice about something. was with my boyfriend for only 2 months but basically we got very close very quickly and I had fallen in love with him. he said he loved me and felt the same.

everything was going fine til one morning his mobile reminder came on and i went to turn it off (he wasnt in the room at the time) when i did this I saw a few text messages from his ex who doesnt live in ireland saying 'thanks for calling the other night' and 'i dont know if you have a girlfriend but ur my soulmate'.. i confronted him and he reassured me that he loved me and only wanted me and that he still kept in contact with this girl as they are still friends and she's a family friend too. later on that day he text me to say he was really dissapointed and annoyed I'd looked at his phone and needed to space to think about what he wanted. I tried to call him later that night but he ignored my calls. 2 days later when I still hadnt heard from him I rang and we arranged to meet up that night. he said he'd call later that day with a time but never did. he's now gone off on holidays with the lads for a week and I havent heard a word. could he be still angry over me looking through his mobile or is it over ? just dont understand how someone can flip emotions so quickly and I'm so hurt over the whole thing.

penexpers

What possesed you to go through his messages? That's a pretty big breach of trust imho. Although he hasn't exactly been honest with you, so maybe there's a lack of trust on both sides, which would mean the relationship would need a bit of work imo.

BoozyBabe

What do you mean you confronted him?
Honestly, where you calm, or did you get a bit worked up?

I've remained friends with everyone of my ex's. If my current partner had a problem with that, the current partner would sling their hook.

I email my ex generally once every few weeks, just to say hi. It doesn't mean I want to jump back into bed with him. Very far from the truth!
There's a reason he's an ex.
I am 1000% dedicated to my bf, & he knows this.

Has he only recently broken up with his ex? It's quite possible that he's long over her, but maybe she's not over him, & as you saw yourself, she doesn't know about you, so you can't blame her for maybe wanting another go.
You can't blame him for her wanting another go.

What about the "if he's serious about me he'd have told her about me" Not so. They're obviously still friends as they're still in contact. Telling a 'friend' that you got over them so quickly is not a nice thing, so it'd understandable that he wouldn't mention you.

I kept the fact that I was seeing someone new a secret from my ex for nearly 1.5years. I wanted to cause him minimal hurt.

It wasn't so I could keep all options open.
I have absolutely no interest in my ex whatsoever, except to care for him as a friend.

Text messages don't pop up when the alarm goes off. You had to actually navigate to his inbox to see & then read his messages.

That was very wrong of you. Trust is a very big part of any relationship, & you're shown your bf that you don't trust him.

He is very right to be mad with you. He has every right to be taking time out to decide if this relationship is worth carrying on with, as you don't trust him, etc, etc.......

I don't know if your relationship is over. I'd imagine most relationships could get over this little hickup, but that's your bf's decision.

If it doesn't work out, then at least you'll have learnt a very valuable lesson for the future.

Best of luck.

Anono2007

Hey boozybabe, I know you're so right. I shouldnt have looked at his messages at all.. I've been hurt in the past by someone who was seeing someone behind my back for ages so since then I suppose I find it hard to trust someone 100%. at the same time I think my bf (or ex bf as it may be now) was with a girl who was extremely jealous so we're coming from 2 different sides..

I know I was very wrong to look at his messages and I'm really sorry about that but he didnt give me the opportunity to talk and apologise. I know he kept the calls and text messages to her a secret but to be honest because she's not in Ireland I dont feel that she's a big threat really. it was the fact that he was all on for honesty and trust and said we should tell each other everything..

I'm just so hurt that he can ignore me...

BoozyBabe

Well maybe ignoring you is killing him also, but he wants to hurt you a bit too, or to make you aware of just how serious he is about you never doing this again????
Maybe he just needs a little space to calm down.

I would personally be upset by him ignoring you, If I was in your situation. I've always said I find that a lot more hurtful than having a blazing row.

I'd imagine he thought it was harmless to keep in contact with her, which it is imo, & that if he told you every time she text him it'd prob upset you & you'd want to put an end to it. So he never bothered to say.

In fairness, I've always let my bf know I'm still in contact, but I don't tell him each time we do make contact. I guess just in case it's a bit more often than what my bf would be comfortable with.

here, I'm waffling, so I'll just say this.

If he won't take your calls, or alloy you to get all off your chest when you do talk, then text him.

Say you're sorry, you know you did wrong, you won't do it again, you love him very much, you want to be with him.

& that's as much as you can do. The ball will be in his court to continue with the relationship or not.

Hopefully it works out for you.

Wibbs

Anono2007 wrote:

everything was going fine til one morning his mobile reminder came on and i went to turn it off (he wasnt in the room at the time) when i did this I saw a few text messages from his ex who doesnt live in ireland saying 'thanks for calling the other night' and 'i dont know if you have a girlfriend but ur my soulmate'..

Well you obviously now realise that was a major no no. Major. Personally if someone did that to me I would freak and I'm the very easygoing kind in such things. In fairness the soulmate part would raise some eyebrows, but the manner of discovery is well out of order. It was a deliberate act on your part, not a note you happened to read by mistake.

i confronted him and he reassured me that he loved me and only wanted me and that he still kept in contact with this girl as they are still friends and she's a family friend too.

Confronting him over some perceived wrong you think you've suffered is not on, especially if the information about that perceived wrong was "discovered" by accessing his private txts.

later on that day he text me to say he was really dissapointed and annoyed I'd looked at his phone and needed to space to think about what he wanted.

Seems fair.

I tried to call him later that night but he ignored my calls. 2 days later when I still hadnt heard from him I rang and we arranged to meet up that night. he said he'd call later that day with a time but never did. he's now gone off on holidays with the lads for a week and I havent heard a word.

Not so good.

could he be still angry over me looking through his mobile or is it over ?

Could be both. It could be either. You will have to sit down with him to find out.

just dont understand how someone can flip emotions so quickly and I'm so hurt over the whole thing.

I don't think it's necessarily flipping emotions. Different stages of a relationship have different pressures and expectations. The fact that you're only with him for two months may be part of that. If you were together for two years and this came up out of the blue, I think it might pan out differently. At this early stage, trust and jealousy issues like this are about as welcome as a fart in a sleeping bag. This is all the more the case if he has experience of extreme jealousy in the past. He may be thinking, better to get out now at this early stage rather than go for a year and split over the same thing.

The only reason I say this is I've had this happen to me. An ex opened my post 4 months into the relationship. Didn't find anything as there was nothing to find as it happened. For me, although I did like her that was game over. She tried to explain herself(badly), but the fact was a major trust line had been crossed. It feels too much like bunny boiler control freak to me. Now some may not react as badly, so opinions will differ. It hurt at the time but it was the right decision for me and her longterm(it turns out I was very right in this particular persons case).

I know I was very wrong to look at his messages and I'm really sorry about that but he didnt give me the opportunity to talk and apologise.

Honestly ask yourself, would you do it again. Honestly now.

I know he kept the calls and text messages to her a secret

Secret? Maybe not. Maybe it wasn't the time at this early stage to get into it. In any case he was with you not her.

but to be honest because she's not in Ireland I dont feel that she's a big threat really.

And what if she was? If she was in Ireland would you have trusted him less? Did you not trust him enough? I may be wrong here but it does sound like it. I'd think about that one.

it was the fact that he was all on for honesty and trust and said we should tell each other everything..

He was all on for honesty and trust and yet you broke that trust two months in? He didn't break trust with you. He wasn't seeing this other person and apparently told you he was with you and in love with you.

Telling each other everything is a lovely idea, but not always practical. I'm quite sure you haven't told him everything about you or you past. I wouldn't expect you to TBH. All that comes with time if it comes at all and hardly after 8 weeks.

Look, everyone has some jealousy in any relationship. Myself included. It's healthy in small doses, but when trust is abandoned it's a difficult thing to get back. If you can get it back you will have a better relationship. I wish you luck with that.

Kell

Anono2007 wrote:

I've been hurt in the past by someone who was seeing someone behind my back for ages so since then I suppose I find it hard to trust someone 100%.

So you make the really smart move and project your insecurities on your unwitting boyfriend? Jeebus. A) where did you get off reading his texts and so what if he is his ex's soul mate. She may be having a really shít time, but did you stop and think about this? No- you went off on one.

1) be thankful he hasnt impolitely told you where to go
2) be thankful he is still considering you are an option
3) quit trying to contact him. All that says to him is "I know you said you wanted time to think, but you know what? I am so fúcking selfish that I dont give a shít about what you want".

And 4) Lose the

Anono2007 wrote:

just dont understand how someone can flip emotions so quickly and I'm so hurt over the whole thing

poor me drama. You lost the right to be upset with your boyfriend when you looked through his phone and confronted him over something thats none of your business.

YOU brought this on YOURSELF

K-

Wibbs

Kell wrote:

She may be having a really shít time, but did you stop and think about this? No- you went off on one.

Nail on the head. That lack of empathy and self centered thinking is not an attractive combo in a person.

All that says to him is "I know you said you wanted time to think, but you know what? I am so fúcking selfish that I dont give a shít about what you want".

Sound of hammer hitting second nail on head. People often forget that actual love isn't all about them.

And 4) Lose the

poor me drama. You lost the right to be upset with your boyfriend when you looked through his phone and confronted him over something thats none of your business.

YOU brought this on YOURSELF

Harsh and insensitively put but true nonetheless.

Kell

Wibbs wrote:

Harsh and insensitively put but true nonetheless.

And you expected better?

K-

Beetlebum

Kell wrote:

And you expected better?

K-

Ha ha ha...I love skiving off work and rolling through all the personal issues. I almost rub my hands with glee when I see your advice Kell. It's always so harsh but so bang on the money. I always laugh cause it's borderline cruel, although if I had a problem I'd probably go unreg for fear of your wrath....on second thoughts, no I wouldn't, I'd man up (even though I'm a chick) and deal with it myself..

Anono2007

Thanks for all you 'objective' advice guys!!!!

Feel a million times better for posting... I now know I'm selfish and horrible!! Great!!

moto2006

No, not horrible.
You did something daft that some people (including your boyfriend) would consider a horrible breach of trust. You know you were out of line so there's no point harping on at you but as for it being over that is up to him.

It's early days in your relationship so maybe he is thinking what is he getting himself into? He might see this as a red flag, he might be really hurt you don't know. All you know is that he has told you, pretty clearly, what he needs - some space. You contracting him, pushing for this to be resolved is what you want!

Also someone has asked if you would do it again - would you? Its not a good place for your head to be at if you would. I get a feeling (probably wrong) that you are a bit jealous about the ex? Maybe feeling a tiny bit that if she was back in the country he'd be with her? I think its usually a good sign when people can stay in touch after a break up - yes "soul mates" is a bit weird but she could be more into him then he ever was to her? and ok, it would be nice if she knew about you but I've found it difficult to tell anyone I've met someone new, even friends... just hard to know how to bring it up!

Sorry now, I know it sounds a bit harsh but you did make a mistake - like we all do - and it's up to him now if he can forgive you. If you must contact him again send a text, say you are very sorry - and sorry means I recognise my mistake and will never do it again and wish I had not hurt you not I really want you to forgive me - and that you will be waiting for him when and if he wants to call and then leave it.

Best of luck, I think most relationships would survive this but I think you should leave him some space for at least a week before making any contact again and keep your fingers crossed

What used people break up over before the internet/mobile phones/easily accessed call records?:rolleyes:

Kell

Anono2007 wrote:

Thanks for all you 'objective' advice guys!!!!

Of course its objective. As I said, you chose to create this situation for yourself. You didnt have to.

You cant point a finger at your BF and blame him for carrying on behind your back. It was none of your business, and he was honest with you. Innocent until proven innocent no?

Beetlebum wrote:

on second thoughts, no I wouldn't, I'd man up (even though I'm a chick) and deal with it myself..

Someone called you a dude here a few weeks back when you were guilt free ridin your fúck buddy like a bad thing. So, did you fess up and tell the BF/ex?

K-

Beetlebum

Kell wrote:

Of course its objective. As I said, you chose to create this situation for yourself. You didnt have to.

You cant point a finger at your BF and blame him for carrying on behind your back. It was none of your business, and he was honest with you. Innocent until proven innocent no?



Someone called you a dude here a few weeks back when you were guilt free ridin your fúck buddy like a bad thing. So, did you fess up and tell the BF/ex?

K-

No, there was no need, I haven't been with either of them since. Usually I feel guilty if I squash a fly but for some reason with regard to that situation, I felt nothing. It's weird, like my emotions were on mute.

Kell

Beetlebum wrote:

No, there was no need, I haven't been with either of them since.

While despising your initial action, you did right in the end. Wanna get a room? I dont bite unless you ask nicely

K-

Beetlebum

Kell wrote:

While despising your initial action, you did right in the end. Wanna get a room? I dont bite unless you ask nicely

K-

I never ask nicely, it's not my style...

Sorry for taking over your thread OP....I have this strange feeling inside, maybe it's that guilt thing people talk about...no , wait..I'm actually not sorry at all..

Kell

Beetlebum wrote:

I never ask nicely, it's not my style.....

Raaaaaaaaaar.

OP- heres your thread back.

K-

Wibbs

Anono2007 wrote:

Thanks for all you 'objective' advice guys!!!!

Well you did ask and I can understand you not being happy with some of the responses, but it may I hope give you some idea how it freaked your partner. My worry is that you're upset, because a) you got caught out b) how the outcome is affecting you because your boyfriend is píssed off at you.

Feel a million times better for posting... I now know I'm selfish and horrible!! Great!!

I certainly didn't want to suggest you're horrible. Quite the contrary. What you did was horrible for want of a better word. It was at some level selfish.

Now everybody is self centered to one degree or the other. The danger comes when that self centeredness makes you do questionable things. Try and put yourself in his shoes for a second.

FYI if you love anybody you endeavour to trust them especially in the honeymoon period(and after hopefully). It seems you would have a trust issue with this guy with no basis in fact. The statement that you're less worried because the ex is out of town says it all for me. You didn't trust him and now you have to see if you can salvage this. Best thing is to look at why you did it and if you can actually change the behaviour that brought this out in you. If you don't future relationships will be hard on you and whomever is your partner.

Victor

On-topic please.