Relationship Advice

LegacyUser

This could be a long one so please bear with me…

Ok I’m a 24 year old lady living in Dublin and I’ve been seeing a 25 year old guy from Antrim for 2 years. For the first year we only saw each other at weekends and then he got a job here. He’s recently asked me to move in with him and it’s made me sit and think about the relationship.

I love him and I know he loves me, but there are times where I feel unhappy. I don’t necessarily think that he’s the cause of my unhappiness, but rather I am. I don’t like myself very much. I don’t feel confident about how I look, my personality, my ability in my job. I don’t have a massive amount of friends but the ones I do have, have been around for years. Although, if I’m completely honest with myself, I always keep them somewhat at arms length.

When my boyfriend moved here he pretty much knew just me. He’s made some friends through work but he doesn’t really see them outside the office, bar the odd work night out. He had a few other friends but one of them took a major disliking to me and the others seem to have dropped off because of this one person (I know, not exactly friends if that’s how they act). I feel completely awful about this. I have made every effort to make it easy for him to see them and I know that one of the other couples in the group wants things to go back to normal, but this one person in the group is having none of it and equally my boyfriend is disgusted at how his supposed friend has carried on. I’m the first to admit when I’ve messed up but in this case I know that I didn’t. This person hasn’t liked me since the word go and things just came to a head about a month or so ago.

I don’t want my boyfriend to lose friends over me. I also don’t want him to rely 100% on me all the time as I feel it’s putting a lot of pressure on the relationship. We need to be able to function separately and have separate friends.

I feel bad for him being stuck with me all the time. Lately I find myself getting really narky and snappy and there’s no real reason for it. I’m getting stressed out about the smallest things in the relationship and everything is bugging me and our sex life is suffering. I don’t want to be like this. I know I have self-esteem issues and I’m trying to get better. I get close to people and I just end up pushing them away. With my boyfriend it’s like I can’t understand why he wants to be with me or why he'd want to touch me or kiss me. Then there's times when he kisses me and all I can think is "he's only kissing me so he can get his leg over." I'm sure he's not as he's very loving but I can't seem to reciprocate. I've never been a very affectionate person but I seem to be getting worse. I can feel myself putting up walls and I don't know how to stop it.

I just don’t think I know how to be happy.

I’m sorry for the rambling post and I’m not really sure what my question is. I guess I’d just like opinions/advice on this.

Thanks.

PeakOutput

sounds like your doing the right thing by just supporting him through the move etc

without knowing the whole story i can only assume you did nothing you should be apologising for and assuming thats the case then there is nothing more you can do.........maybe try and organise dinner with the couple that wants to get back to normal or something like that........i would not let one mate stop me seeing someone else and indeed in the past i have stopped going somehwere when i was told my other mate had to be "uninvited" coz one of the lads secretly hates him.

i would not let this stop you from moving in together if thats what you really want

Talliesin

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I love him and I know he loves me, but there are times where I feel unhappy. I don’t necessarily think that he’s the cause of my unhappiness, but rather I am. I don’t like myself very much. I don’t feel confident about how I look, my personality, my ability in my job. I don’t have a massive amount of friends but the ones I do have, have been around for years. Although, if I’m completely honest with myself, I always keep them somewhat at arms length.

Like a lot of your post, this seems to be more about you than about the relationship.

While it's a lot easier to say this than to do it, try to get as good a handle as you can on just what in the bundle of issues here is about you, what is about him, and what is about the two of you.

If you don't you can find yourself trying to fix the wrong thing. Or worse, complaining about the wrong thing.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

my boyfriend is disgusted at how his supposed friend has carried on

Okay, you've chosen not to give us all the ins-and-outs on this one (and maybe it's such bizarre behaviour on this guys fault that you can't really explain it beyond throwing up your hands and going "WTF?!"). Your boyfriend is of the opinion that the guy behaved in a way that deserves disgust, lets just leave it at the guy behaved in a way that deserves disgust.

There's always be assholes in the world, and you can't spend too much emotional energy on them. Really, the sooner you're shot of them the better.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I don’t want my boyfriend to lose friends over me. I also don’t want him to rely 100% on me all the time as I feel it’s putting a lot of pressure on the relationship. We need to be able to function separately and have separate friends.

Now, since we've established that this ex-friend is an asshole don't worry about that. He didn't lose a friend over you, he lost a friend over that friend being an asshole. That's a nett-gain in his emotional life.

It also sounds like the two of you are emotionally healthy enough to realise you need friends in your lives and they don't have to be the same friends.

Don't worry too much about having separate friends. If you both just concentrate on being good friends to your friends and cultivating good relationships with them, then that will sort itself out.

It's not so much important to have separate friends as to have separate friendships - as long as neither of you is the hanger-on, it won't be an issue.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I feel bad for him being stuck with me all the time.

Do you honestly think he's stuck with you all the time.

I don't get the impression that you are (whether explicitly or through passive-aggressive actions) forcing him to be with you.

Maybe he actually likes being with you!

MessedUpGirl wrote:

Lately I find myself getting really narky and snappy and there’s no real reason for it. I’m getting stressed out about the smallest things in the relationship and everything is bugging me and our sex life is suffering.

How long is it since you've done something outside of your routine? You haven't said anything to this extent but I'm getting a vibe of sameness and repetition, or at least of a fear of a rut, whether its really there or not.

There's a long weekend coming up and a lot of hotels and such have special offers going.

This won't actually fix a damn thing, but it might give you enough of a breather to get the stress levels down and see things a bit clearer. Then you can maybe fix things.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I don’t want to be like this. I know I have self-esteem issues and I’m trying to get better.

Could you answer the question "what are you doing to get better?"

If you can answer it but don't want to share, fine, you don't have to (and shouldn't) share everything here. But if you can't actually answer it then you aren't trying to get better, you're just hoping that you will. This is quite common.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I get close to people and I just end up pushing them away. With my boyfriend it’s like I can’t understand why he wants to be with me or why he'd want to touch me or kiss me.

Why does your boyfriend say he wants to be with you?

Do you ever believe his answers to that?

MessedUpGirl wrote:

Then there's times when he kisses me and all I can think is "he's only kissing me so he can get his leg over." I'm sure he's not as he's very loving but I can't seem to reciprocate.

Possibly some of the time he's trying to get his leg over right then, because he finds you attractive, but the reason he was there to begin with can still be that he loves you.

The two don't have to be separate. Indeed most of us find they work better when they're not.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I've never been a very affectionate person but I seem to be getting worse. I can feel myself putting up walls and I don't know how to stop it.

If you can't be affectionate in a naturally unforced way, start doing it unnaturally forced way.

Do something silly like giving your boyfriend a different small silly gift (something you made yourself or that cost less than a fiver) every day for a week. It's corny as hell but you learn by doing and you'll get through your own walls faster by being corny than you will just waiting until you develop a natural tendency towards expressing affection.

MessedUpGirl wrote:

I just don’t think I know how to be happy.

Happiness is easy. Work out what you want to do and then do it.

It's the self-awareness to know what you want to do and the courage to do it that's difficult. Both tend to take a lot of, sometimes painful, failed attempts. However, your best bet is to try.

LegacyUser

'

Talliesin wrote:

Like a lot of your post, this seems to be more about you than about the relationship.

While it's a lot easier to say this than to do it, try to get as good a handle as you can on just what in the bundle of issues here is about you, what is about him, and what is about the two of you.

If you don't you can find yourself trying to fix the wrong thing. Or worse, complaining about the wrong thing.

I guess most, if not all, of the problems in the relationship stem from my own issues. I feel like I’m being unfair to him. A friend of mine always says “if you can’t love yourself you’re in no position to give love to anyone else.” I think he’s right too. I quite simply don’t like me. I don’t think I’m a nice person and I certainly wouldn’t choose to be friends with me, let alone have a relationship with me. (If you know what I mean.) I’m not quite sure how I go about fixing this.

Talliesin wrote:

Okay, you've chosen not to give us all the ins-and-outs on this one (and maybe it's such bizarre behaviour on this guys fault that you can't really explain it beyond throwing up your hands and going "WTF?!"). Your boyfriend is of the opinion that the guy behaved in a way that deserves disgust, lets just leave it at the guy behaved in a way that deserves disgust.

There's always be assholes in the world, and you can't spend too much emotional energy on them. Really, the sooner you're shot of them the better.

The situation here really is as you described – throwing my hands up and going “WTF?!” Out of nowhere I was getting verbally abused to my face with no explanation. I could understand if this was simply a clash of personalities because I’m sure most people have experienced that at some point, I know I have in the past, but for it to be so sudden and with no warning was just so bizarre. This person then expected everything to be totally cool with my boyfriend and I have spent the past few weeks encouraging my boyfriend to try and maintain his friendship but he said it wasn’t worth it. I guess I just feel guilty that I’m the reason he’s lost one of his few close friends here. But you’re right, we are probably both better off.

Talliesin wrote:

Do you honestly think he's stuck with you all the time.

I don't get the impression that you are (whether explicitly or through passive-aggressive actions) forcing him to be with you.

Maybe he actually likes being with you!

Maybe. I guess I can’t see beyond my own dislike for myself at the moment to grasp that he might possibly want to be with me.

Talliesin wrote:

How long is it since you've done something outside of your routine? You haven't said anything to this extent but I'm getting a vibe of sameness and repetition, or at least of a fear of a rut, whether its really there or not.

There's a long weekend coming up and a lot of hotels and such have special offers going.

This won't actually fix a damn thing, but it might give you enough of a breather to get the stress levels down and see things a bit clearer. Then you can maybe fix things.

That’s a very good point. I do feel like we’re stuck in a rut and in danger of getting deeper. We’ve had the odd weekend away and just last week I checked out some cheap flights and suggested we head off somewhere in August as it’s my birthday then and it’d be nice to be away. He hummed and hawwed about it and nothing was booked. Since then the price has gone way up and I guess this is a good example of the little things that are really annoying me lately. (Just to clarify, he’s the one with the credit card. I don’t have one.) I end up feeling angry towards him and then angry at myself because he hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Talliesin wrote:

Could you answer the question "what are you doing to get better?"

If you can answer it but don't want to share, fine, you don't have to (and shouldn't) share everything here. But if you can't actually answer it then you aren't trying to get better, you're just hoping that you will. This is quite common.

Well I guess my main problem is how I look. I feel like I’m very ugly and I have a bit of extra weight on me that makes me feel like I’m about 20 stone. I know I’m nowhere near that but when I look in the mirror that’s how I feel. I’ve recently joined a gym, started eating healthy and a friend of mine has volunteered to go walking with me in the evenings. I guess I’m hoping that by taking positive steps towards changing my appearance and getting fitter I’ll feel better about myself. I’ve also started trying to me more open with my boyfriend. When I get annoyed or upset I just completely shut down and refuse to talk about it. I know that keeping everything bottled inside is self-destructive and usually it builds up so much that the smallest thing will trigger it and I’ll freak out. I’ll yell and cry and scream and then walk away feeling even worse than I did before. Then I’ll apologise and it’s all forgotten. Nothing gets discussed and it starts over again.

I’m trying not to let that happen. I’m trying to talk about how I feel but it’s hard. I don’t find it easy to let my guard down that much. My boyfriend is also incredibly laid back and doesn’t like to rock the boat. He’s happy to let things coast along as they are. I don’t think I can.

Talliesin wrote:

Why does your boyfriend say he wants to be with you? Do you ever believe his answers to that?

I have honestly never asked him. I don’t really want to.

Talliesin wrote:

Possibly some of the time he's trying to get his leg over right then, because he finds you attractive, but the reason he was there to begin with can still be that he loves you.

The two don't have to be separate. Indeed most of us find they work better when they're not.

I know I should be happy that he’s so affectionate and I feel awful that I can’t do it in return. I don’t want him to think that I’m not attracted to him, because I am! I think he’s very sexy but I think I’m hideous. I enjoy sex with him, but it takes a while to get there. I feel ugly and fat and I don’t want to be naked and I’m not very adventurous and I’m sure it’s incredibly frustrating for him.

Talliesin wrote:

If you can't be affectionate in a naturally unforced way, start doing it unnaturally forced way.

Do something silly like giving your boyfriend a different small silly gift (something you made yourself or that cost less than a fiver) every day for a week. It's corny as hell but you learn by doing and you'll get through your own walls faster by being corny than you will just waiting until you develop a natural tendency towards expressing affection.

I’ll try that. He’ll probably think I’ve lost my mind.

Talliesin wrote:

Happiness is easy. Work out what you want to do and then do it.

It's the self-awareness to know what you want to do and the courage to do it that's difficult. Both tend to take a lot of, sometimes painful, failed attempts. However, your best bet is to try.

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it and I’ll do my best to try what you’ve suggested.'