Bum Grapes

Bod1

No self respecting man who enjoys good food, beer, and his man-chair should be without the obligatory bunch of Johnnie Giles, in fact, propagtion should be a must. My question to the good gentlemen here is can you give me some tips on correct pile maintenance. I find regular suffocation of the prescribed location excessive heat and strong curry works wonders for ensuring a strong throb and healthy colour.

A large brown trout dropped into the bowl from just above the seat gives sufficient splashback to allow a clean wipe with manly two-ply or shiny white.

Culling of side shoots can be achieved through the application of elastic bands to the runts which will drop off within three vindaloos.

Any other tips / pitfalls gratefully appreciated.

Supercell

Lots of fruit, lots of fluid, and eat brown bread/pasta instead of the white varieties and preperation H when you get a slight ring of fire feeling, don't let them grapes turn into oranges, believe me, that isnt a place you want to visit.

Lots of cider also keep you regular....

Mr. CooL ICE

Aye, you'll be amazed at the difference if you switch from white bread to brown bread. If you're not willing to do that, then make sure you have a night with drinking lots of lager and spirits followed by coffee the next morning...

...then prepare for liftoff!

tampopo

They don't sell Preparation H anymore. Tried to get it a couple of years ago, Chemist told me it's gone for good.

FlutterinBantam

No kiddin!!

Now the 'Bant is in agreement with other posters in the brown bread system.

In other words if you want to avoid the Chalfonts ,or arse grapes ,if you will,then good wholemeal or wholegrain brown bread is yer man.

Plenty of that and you will have no problem... out like a holt of otters into a river,no push or shove.

Its all the sludge that binds up the gut and causes the farmers.

Just one piece of advice..allow for spread,keep fairly close to the rim or you may have some collateral

Hagar

A well formed set of Farmer Giles can impart a very distinctive groove to a freshly hatched brown trout. As well as being visually appealing it can be used to settle those old "who left the floater" arguments. If it hasn't got my groove it ain't mine. No two grooves are alike, as reliable as any DNA test.

Supercell

tampopo wrote:

They don't sell Preparation H anymore. Tried to get it a couple of years ago, Chemist told me it's gone for good.

Not in Ireland, which is a pain in the ass ...boom taa tischh!!

However is easy to get online as no prescription was ever needed.

Nothing beats preparation h, anyone that tells you anything else is a fecking liar or has raisins..not grapes or plumb's...
More info than you probably want to know, but i'm suffering right now and i wouldn't stick anything up me arse bar preparation h!!!

trout

2 things i have learned Brothers, and learned the hard way...

thing 1 ... never, ever, ever eat weetabix for more than three days straight. your turds will have corners on them and be as flexible as a crisp

thing 2 ... never, ever, ever wipe yerself using bog roll laced with paint thinners left over from wimmin decorating the house ... unless you want to understand what Johnny Cash was wailin' about.

admiralofthefleet

i had a dose of farmers a few months ago and noticed that squatting over a pot of hot water with my clockweights nearly hitting the water was a great way of getting rid of them, the steam worked wonders

FlutterinBantam

Not being a medical doctor I hesitate to give medical advice,however a couple of pesseries introduced up the hole can calm down the Chalfonts.

That coupled with good quality brown bread and roughage served to loosen the stool and provide some relief from a debilitating bunch of bumplums.

They are no laughing matter if they get out of hand,and routine dump which can be performed in jig time turns into a traumatic and messy experience.

Look after you hole is very sound advice from the 'bant.

The Hill Billy

FlutterinBantam wrote:

...however a couple of pesseries introduced up the hole can calm down the Chalfonts...

'Bant - Suppositories surely! :eek:

FlutterinBantam

Hill Billy wrote:

'Bant - Suppositories surely! :eek:

No Billy, now suppositories is an alternate term for medication taken via the rectum,however pessary is also used as is is more all encompassing, and be ingested via the front bottom of ladies in certain situations.

The suppository would be mainly for constipation and a dose of the Chalfonts,and can be only introduced in the rectum, but the pessary would have more omni-introductory properties,and a greater pharmaceutical footprint.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pessary#Description

The Hill Billy

Thank God for that.
Still, tis better that there's no ambiguity about these things.

passmeby

trout wrote: »

2 things i have learned Brothers, and learned the hard way...

thing 1 ... never, ever, ever eat weetabix for more than three days straight. your turds will have corners on them and be as flexible as a crisp

thing 2 ... never, ever, ever wipe yerself using bog roll laced with paint thinners left over from wimmin decorating the house ... unless you want to understand what Johnny Cash was wailin' about.

Try shredded wheat - 'can you eat 3' ?.

Robbo

Zombie thread locked.