Girlfriend's ex back on the scene

LegacyUser

Ok, need some advice please.

I've been going out with a girl for the month and a bit; both in our mid-twenties, been getting on great and have been pretty much inseperable since we met. So as far as I was concerned everything was fine.

However, we were out the other night, and she seemed a bit off form. When I asked her what was wrong she kinda snapped at me but didn't give me any sort of reason. A friend of hers that she hadn't seen in ages was up so they spent a fair amount of time together, leaving me to just chat with my mates, which was fine.

But when we got home she started complaining about a load of little things I'd said or done over the last while that irritated her. Now I didn't even mind that too much; it was all little stuff and I can see in hindsight that a lot of it was stupid. But then she told me that she'd bumped into someone she knew and heard from him that her ex was back in the country (he'd left her to go abroad on a whim a good few months ago). They'd been in touch the odd time since he left, but it was usually just a quick "so how're things?" type of e-mail, nothing serious. But she rang him when she heard he was back and was talking to him for a while. And then when talking to me that night she was saying that despite the fact that he'd basically broken her heart and she was still pissed off with him, if he tried to get her back she wasn't sure how she'd respond. We talked foe a while about this, and the general outcome of the conversation was that she had been convinced she was over him, but now faced with the possibility of seeing him again she's not so sure.

Now this puts me in a bit of a dillema; I really like this girl and we do get on really well together, but I don't want to be constantly worrying about her getting back with her ex. She's not sure how long he's back in the country for, so maybe he's just visiting and the situation will pass, but I can't help but feel that'll be just sweeping it under the carpet until next time he's home. At the moment she's fairly confused about the whole thing herself, but the fact that she was actually talking about the possibility of getting back with this guy doesn't really inspire me with much confidence about us having a future together.

Hmm, reading this I realise that there really isn't much advice people can give here, I reckon I'll just have to wait and she if she makes her mind up about who or what she wants. Although if anybody's been in a similar situation please let me know how it went. Like I said, I really do like this girl, but I don't want to be constantly feeling like I'm second choice.

Anyway, enough ranting, thanks for reading.

D-Generate

Wow she is being a critic of you and giving out after only a month? I always thought relationships had that 3 month gracing period where you don't really fight.
To be honest I wouldn't go out with soemoen with relationship baggage. You just seem to be playing second fiddle to the ex who she is not over. Cut your losses now before you get even more emotionally involved.

axer

How long was she going out with her ex?

I wouldn't like to be in a situation like yours. I probably couldn't handle "not know[ing] how she would respond" and would be forced to break up with her. There will always be that doubt whenever the ex is around.

red_ice

sounds iffy, id nip that at the bud straight away - its only going to get messy. Relationships with ex's could lead to other things which in some peoples eyes are ok because they are ex's, but i havnt really seen that from personal experience, but my gf tells me some stories of her mates and its quite concerning..

it sounds to me like shes being bitchy for a reason, and its usually the men that do that trick to end a relationship

Ruu_Old

I wouldn't be able to put up with it, nearly like playing the other guy role. Having that doubt around at times would wreck my head. Get out of the relationship if she is not sure, I wouldn't let it go much further.

Call Me Jimmy

If it were me, and there was ANY doubt on her part I wouldn't want to be with her. She contacted him and everything? I would not be comfortable with her having so much interest in him.

BeardyGit

I know it's not a nice situation for you to find yourself in, and the cause of it is out of your control, but you really have to step up and call the shots on this one. If she's confused about things, and prepared to consider getting back with her ex, then you owe it to yourself to walk away now, before the situation starts really messing with your head and your heart.

The girl's entitled to have her doubts, but telling you about them isn't a commendable display of openness and honesty on her part - If she's being that frank about things, she's deliberately giving you what she thinks you'll need to just walk away. It'll make it easier for her if she doesn't have to feel bad about breaking up with you.....

Now you have two options the way I see it:

1. Decide you're going to give her space, and let her figure things out for herself. That leaves things open ended for her, and provides her with a safety net - You. I wouldn't chose this option myself.

2. Decide you're going to take second place in her heart and hope she forgets about 'yer man'. But you'll always have the doubt, as will she. Neither of you deserve that from each other.

3. Decide to just politely step out now. This situation won't get any better, not with a start like this. She's not trying to hurt you, but she will if you give her the chance. Just leave her to it, and don't go giving her options of deciding to come back to you....Leave well enough alone and chalk it all down to experience.

For me, option 3 seals the deal. This girl is on the rebound lad - Even many months after breaking up with the ex. She has unfinished business and you're just going to get mixed up in their shít if you stick around. Even when she takes care of whatever doubt she has (they'll likely end up trying it again), all her baggage is just going to trip you up.

CathyMoran

You could try talking to her but this really does not sound good, if she is starting to treat you badly when her ex turns up it does not look good, sorry.

ircoha

op: you write: << But she rang him when.... >>

Pull the plug right now and cut you losses.

rediguana

Lose her. There are plenty more girls in the sea.

Big Chief

she had been convinced she was over him, but now faced with the possibility of seeing him again she's not so sure.

sorry, save yourself the heartache that this will cause

getting more and more emotionally involved will only make you more hurt. It may only be a month but with comments like the above that she made, im just not sure if i could continue. Relationship baggage is one thing, comments like that after a month together are just basically saying "your not good enough for me and i still love my ex"

best of luck

nicolo

Ok same thing happened to a mate of mine in her position, basically she had this ex who was a total dick (girls always love them more) and they broke up, didn't see each other for a year and over this time she built him up in her head. then she started going out with this new guy who is deadly, mad about her and i thought she was mad about him, now the ex popped back onto the scene then , cant remember why but he did and she just dropped everything to give him another chance which lasted all of about a day before she remembered why she was better off without him.
now I know that wasn't the most uplifting thing to hear but she did get back with the nice guy and now seems very happy.
people have a habit of getting nostalgic over ex's, especially ones that have left them, as in "how could they give me up?".
also in fairness to your girlfriend, while she could have been more tactful at least she was honest. there is the reality behind a relationship, everyone gets into one and its "oh your the best the one for me!" etc but in truth actual deep feeling wont set in for about a year or so. a month and a bit and your still in that honey moon period where everything is (normally) roses. I'd sya the girls head is wrecked that her ex is back and shes probably gotten it into her head that hes back for her. I'd say if your relationship continues you have some rocky roads ahead but it could all end up ok.
If it was happening to me I'd dump her, let her see how she feels with no one (cos if the ex is willing to bog off traveling regardless of her feeling then hes doubtfully going to take her back) if nothing else it'll scare her into making a decision, cold hearted i know but if you let her get away with **** like this you'll never trust her and she'll feel she can just treat you like crap cos she has a new crush.

LegacyUser

'OP

proceed slowly and carefully if you do decide to stick with here. As Nicolo said, girls do have a rose tinted view of some of their ex's and she may still have a grá for him (which would seem possible seeing as she called him).

She was honest with you which is a point in her favour and in truth if she were to get back with him it may not last jig time. Thats not important now, whats important is that you keep the heart protected til you see how this pans out....

Good luck.

SS'

Poco Loco

This exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago...was seeing a guy for about a month, getting on excellent, then he started acting weird and admitted to me his ex was back on the scene, wanted him back, and he was confused as we get on well and he likes me but he has history with her. The advice I got at the time was to tell him that I don't want to get in anyone's way so if he feels he has something good with her he should go for it. So that's what I did. And he went with her. And it was hard. But I'm happier now. The reason I was given that advice (well, the logic behind it I guess) is that worst case scenario, I still walk away with my dignity intact. If he had gone with her at least I was the one who had said go do it (as opposed to 'pleeease pick me!!!') and if he picked me then all the better. Plus there was that thing in the back of my mind that I would never be able to trust him really and would worry if he was in contact with her. And I think trust is crucial at any stage of a relationship.

So now he's back with her, I decided it would be best to be mature/understanding about it and just keep in touch with him nicely as friends. They are together and getting on well and all lovey-dovey which is hard to swallow. But overall I think I'm happier that I made that choice....

So I guess (after that big rant!) maybe it would be better to suggest you and she leave it? If she comes back to you then at least you know she's sure... And if not then you've saved yourself some hurt...