Single forever?

CALI

It's Patricks night and I have gone home again on my own while my friends have all gone home with their boyfriends. I'm nearly 29 and never really gone out with anyone. i think it stems back to my childhood when I believed that boyfriends were for other girls and that when I was older it would happen to me. My college experience was different to most and it just wasn't really feasible to meet guys. I sometimes think this stunted my social development in relation to relationships. However my friends tell me that I was always gonna be like this-too shy to give a guy a chance. I never did cause I was convinced that guys were after sex and I wasn't into that unless they were serious boyfriends. and the reason i never gave anyone a chance to become a serious boyfriend was that I am convinced taht guys would get bored of me...that I am not interesting enough, pretty enough or have any traits that would want to keep a guy interested in me. I have this idea in my head that whoever I was with would with find someone more interesting than me.

I did see a counsellor once and she did make me think about my male platonic friends and how they obviously don't find me boring but I still can't seem to get it through my head that a guy might actually want to be with me.

I do get attention from guys, I 'm not dog ugly! But I am beginning to wonder if I am gonna be on my own forever? It's especially hard when you know people are wishing and hoping you will meet someone and can't understand why you haven't?...........

r3nu4l

Hiya CALI,

What can I say, you are feeling sad that you are single and life seems to be moving along while you stay static. Only this morning the girl that I've been with for 8 years and am marrying in July told me that she thinks she is so lucky because she never thought that she would find anyone who would want to be with her. She still feels that I might up and leave her any day :eek:

This is the woman I love and really want to spend the rest of my life with. I honestly believe that I'm the lucky one in the relationship. Your problem is all about perception of yourself.

'Boring' is a weird term. Boring is relative...I find politics and current affairs stimulating, I love Star Trek, I love BBC Radio 4 My gf likes Star Trek (Captain Piccard in particular ). My gf loves dance music, clubbing, dancing...I find that (mostly) pointless. I love Metal music, Commodore 64, computers.

My point is that everyone is different, on paper myself and the gf don't work at all and yet we have a deep love and spark for one another. Never be afraid of being boring as I have found that those who consider themselves boring are generally people of intelligence and merit. People who stimulate the brain (even if they think they don't). You are not as boring as you think, trust me on this, your post alone has made me interested enougt to reply

CALI

Thank you so much for your comment! There were some really good points in it that I must try to get thru my head!! Best of luck in July!

Baraboo

Hi Cali

Give yourself a chance I find that my girl and I are more interesting because of our differences, we compliment one another very well. She has learned to love Stargate and at one stage I could tolerate Coronation St.

We have many similarities but she has always felt she is lucky to have me - god knows why - and I know I am a boring nerd who knows it all and why she would stay with me I do not know.

By the way we are married 19 years this year but it did take a while to find someone as good as her.

As I said - give yourself a chance. There is someone out there for you.

Baraboo

rediguana

Confidence seems to be the issue. I think you should focus on building that before you worry about a knight in shining armour coming along.

You seem like a nice girl. Never put yourself down.

Even if there ARE things about you that may not be ideal (as is the case with everyone), as the person closest to you, you need to be relentlessly positive. It won't come naturally to someone who is used to putting herself down. But, like everything else, it's habit and will come with time and practice.

Annoyingly, it'll be just when you stop mulling over it so much that some guy will traipse along into your life. I'm desperately trying to get a (good) job at the moment, and I'm having limited success. I know that when I finally get one, that's when all the other offers will start rolling in. So it will be with you and men.

KingKenny7

Cali

I did the same last night, was out with the lads and their g/f's had to leave early coz of the whole me and her do this, we're buying that, going there. If you ever felt out of place it was there. So I legged it home, and got drunk in the local alone.

I am like you I wonder why I;m alone, and lets face it you may have friends but alone is what you are. I;m a nice guy, always helping my mates, considered quite good looking, and in a good job. But I too have no luck.
Like you I dont know what to do either...

Bunch of sado really..........

5uspect

If thats not a request for a date then I don't know anything!
Go for it guys!

KingKenny7

It wasnt actually.....
But you just gave me an idea. Perhaps the boards should have a section for dating And if Cali ever wants to have a chat, she can pm me anytime, its always nice to chat with someone going through the same thing

rediguana

Why ISN'T there a dating forum? I'd say it'd be the most active forum on Boards!

And why can't I access the Sexuality forum?? And what's in it anyway?

KingKenny7

rediguana wrote:

Why ISN'T there a dating forum? I'd say it'd be the most active forum on Boards!

And why can't I access the Sexuality forum?? And what's in it anyway?

Its a secret

rediguana

KingKenny7 wrote:

Its a secret

I bet it's stuff about SEX. I wish they'd let me see it. I'm 27 since January...

KingKenny7

Can anyone access it??? i cant either

rediguana

KingKenny7 wrote:

Can anyone access it??? i cant either

The system must recognise you as a deviant.

KingKenny7

I must be so.
And heres me thinking I;m a nice guy,

rediguana

KingKenny7 wrote:

I must be so.
And heres me thinking I;m a nice guy,

Don't beat yourself up. I can't get into it either

Back on topic, the beaten down among us here should take a trip to Eason's Dundrum and invest in "The Confidence Plan" by Sarah Litvinoff. I read it recently and found it very useful. It doesn't provide a magic wand for life's woes; it's all about taking baby steps to build small reserves of confidence that people can then build on to achieve greater success, whether that success involves getting a job or snaring a boyfriend (or girlfriend, in your case, KingKenny).

If anyone wants my copy they can have it. Call over to me by UCD. I highlight everything though, so it's kind of annoying to read.

KingKenny7

I dunno if a book could help.
I had a wonderful g/f and due to my ex best friend i lost her, and it messed me up, and her too. That was years ago, but since then my luck has vanished.
I found it hard to get work, kept getting offered jobs but the always fell through, even simple things like planning a holiday wouldnt go right. Hey last year I bought a new car and within a month it fell apart.

I look at my mates, and things fall easily for them, no matter what happens everything works out for them. When I wasnt single things worked for me, now i am nothing does.

Perhaps luck and general happiness are closely linked, but it seems a vicious circle to break.

Saruman

Actually there is a Dating section! Its on adverts.ie
So Maybe Cali can be the first one to use it
http://www.adverts.ie/showcat.php?cat=7

rediguana

KingKenny7 wrote:

I dunno if a book could help.
I had a wonderful g/f and due to my ex best friend i lost her, and it messed me up, and her too. That was years ago, but since then my luck has vanished.
I found it hard to get work, kept getting offered jobs but the always fell through, even simple things like planning a holiday wouldnt go right. Hey last year I bought a new car and within a month it fell apart.

I look at my mates, and things fall easily for them, no matter what happens everything works out for them. When I wasnt single things worked for me, now i am nothing does.

Perhaps luck and general happiness are closely linked, but it seems a vicious circle to break.

Even to listen to the personal narrative you've just constructed, it seems very negative. Something good must've happened during this period too? That's the thing, forget the negative things that happen in your life. Sure, learn from them, but then don't dwell on things.

I'm extremely indebted and am finding it difficult to get a well-paying job, despite having a degree and (nearly) a Masters. My good friend recently bought his second BMW, while I often struggle to put food on the table (admittedly because I'm such a sybarite and consume nothing only monkfish and Riesling). I'd be depressed too if I thought about it too much.

Instead I focus on the future, my health, the good things in life and - this is the important bit - I try to act to improve the areas of my life where I feel dissatisfied. I don't always have success, as it is commonly measured, but I don't feel powerless and at the mercy of fate.

I'll advise you the same thing I advise anybody who pines for an ex. Forget her! She's one of many millions.

rediguana

Saruman wrote:

Actually there is a Dating section! Its on adverts.ie
So Maybe Cali can be the first one to use it
http://www.adverts.ie/showcat.php?cat=7

Oh yeah, I saw that when I was trying to sell some wine on Adverts.Ie. Why doesn't anyone want to date? And where can I sell my wine? Adverts.ie broke my balls cos they said I was breaking the charter by selling alcohol...

5uspect

You're just being pessimistic. If you're in a good relationship your less phased by the bad stuff that happens to everyone. When you're depressed about life everything seems like one more kick in the teeth.

Be glad that your educated enough to be able to be work to afford a car or go on holiday. I'm a Ph.D. student, I earn less than minimum wage, and I'm always hearing stories of my former undergrad class mates making increasingly serious amounts of cash and as an academic with a Ph.D. I'll only ever earn the average industrial wage if I ever finish the bloody thing.

Everyone has a case to be depressed or annoyed. Being single compounds the problem, its not the reason. So get up off your ar$e and make it work!

KingKenny7

rediguana wrote:

Even to listen to the personal narrative you've just constructed, it seems very negative. Something good must've happened during this period too? That's the thing, forget the negative things that happen in your life. Sure, learn from them, but then don't dwell on things.

I'm extremely indebted and am finding it difficult to get a well-paying job, despite having a degree and (nearly) a Masters. My good friend recently bought his second BMW, while I often struggle to put food on the table (admittedly because I'm such a sybarite and consume nothing only monkfish and Riesling). I'd be depressed too if I thought about it too much.

Instead I focus on the future, my health, the good things in life and - this is the important bit - I try to act to improve the areas of my life where I feel dissatisfied. I don't always have success, as it is commonly measured, but I don't feel powerless and at the mercy of fate.

I'll advise you the same thing I advise anybody who pines for an ex. Forget her! She's one of many millions.

The ex is forgetten about except for days like last night.

I do have good things, I have a well paying job, and it going to get better. I ogt the car sorted out in the end. I have allot of friends, even if some of them are selfish so and so's.
So your right if I look at the good things I aint doing too bad, but my whole thing is, just like Cali, I;m lonely. I've no one to share my future success (i hope) with. Whats tthe point in living in a mansion if you've got no one to live with.

rediguana

KingKenny7 wrote:

The ex is forgetten about except for days like last night.

I do have good things, I have a well paying job, and it going to get better. I ogt the car sorted out in the end. I have allot of friends, even if some of them are selfish so and so's.
So your right if I look at the good things I aint doing too bad, but my whole thing is, just like Cali, I;m lonely. I've no one to share my future success (i hope) with. Whats tthe point in living in a mansion if you've got no one to live with.

I recommend online dating. It's so efficient. If you're on your way to achieving a mansion, you should get lots of interest.

If friends are selfish, they may not be real friends. Friends should make you feel good, not bad. Drop them if they're adding to the problem.

extraice

the chat up line i used with the girl is " Will i ugly and i am here " girls get lol out off it

online dating becare ful with it as most on them area fake profiles IE Girls and lot off men all trying for it and money you have to pay
online scamser there aswell

Some off the girls i know just have bf for show

wexford12

what part of the country are you from wouldnt mind going out with you myself you sound very nice but i have a gf wish i didnt lol

KingKenny7

extraice wrote:

the chat up line i used with the girl is " Will i ugly and i am here " girls get lol out off it

online dating becare ful with it as most on them area fake profiles IE Girls and lot off men all trying for it and money you have to pay
online scamser there aswell

Some off the girls i know just have bf for show

That chat up line makes no sense

5uspect

the charm is probably lost in the translation to text...

KingKenny7

Cali

going out on a limb here, and it might fall off, but would you like to throw me a pm and have a chat. Who knows we might have things in common.

Thats weird, I;ve never done that before....

extraice

KingKenny7 wrote:

That chat up line makes no sense

it brakes the ice
jurdy

passive

Originally Posted by KingKenny7
That chat up line makes no sense

it brakes the ice
jurdy

I think he meant semantically... did you leave out a word or something?

limklad

rediguana wrote:

I recommend online dating. It's so efficient. If you're on your way to achieving a mansion, you should get lots of interest.

If friends are selfish, they may not be real friends. Friends should make you feel good, not bad. Drop them if they're adding to the problem.

I tried several online dating and sent so many email on their sites. I do not seem to get many responses from Irish women. No problems with receiving genuine email from foreigners which goes on for several emails. Either Irish women are too picky or not self confident enough. I bet if I said I was a millionaires, I get plenty of replies. But I not my father who “exaggerated his status a lot” in getting women attention and end up marrying a selfish and greedy b****h, who became my mother. Thankfully I am complete opposite to my parents.
A lot of sites do set up fake profiles and have caught them out when they send me emails that I have email/s waiting in my dating site inbox. Pay to access and then 1/several emails from a girl/s replied and get no responses, do a detail search on them and found them to be fakes to entice people to gain subscription. One advice to online daters, the dating sites which are difficult to cancel subscription are the one who do the dog on you. I had to cancel my credit card twice over this.

ballsofire23

CALI wrote:

It's Patricks night and I have gone home again on my own while my friends have all gone home with their boyfriends. I'm nearly 29 and never really gone out with anyone. i think it stems back to my childhood when I believed that boyfriends were for other girls and that when I was older it would happen to me. My college experience was different to most and it just wasn't really feasible to meet guys. I sometimes think this stunted my social development in relation to relationships. However my friends tell me that I was always gonna be like this-too shy to give a guy a chance. I never did cause I was convinced that guys were after sex and I wasn't into that unless they were serious boyfriends. and the reason i never gave anyone a chance to become a serious boyfriend was that I am convinced taht guys would get bored of me...that I am not interesting enough, pretty enough or have any traits that would want to keep a guy interested in me. I have this idea in my head that whoever I was with would with find someone more interesting than me.

I did see a counsellor once and she did make me think about my male platonic friends and how they obviously don't find me boring but I still can't seem to get it through my head that a guy might actually want to be with me.

I do get attention from guys, I 'm not dog ugly! But I am beginning to wonder if I am gonna be on my own forever? It's especially hard when you know people are wishing and hoping you will meet someone and can't understand why you haven't?...........

WOW. Do you drink?

rediguana

limklad wrote:

I tried several online dating and sent so many email on their sites. I do not seem to get many responses from Irish women. No problems with receiving genuine email from foreigners which goes on for several emails. Either Irish women are too picky or not self confident enough. I bet if I said I was a millionaires, I get plenty of replies. But I not my father who “exaggerated his status a lot” in getting women attention and end up marrying a selfish and greedy b****h, who became my mother. Thankfully I am complete opposite to my parents.
A lot of sites do set up fake profiles and have caught them out when they send me emails that I have email/s waiting in my dating site inbox. Pay to access and then 1/several emails from a girl/s replied and get no responses, do a detail search on them and found them to be fakes to entice people to gain subscription. One advice to online daters, the dating sites which are difficult to cancel subscription are the one who do the dog on you. I had to cancel my credit card twice over this.

Caveat emptor - buyer beware!

Yeah, you gotta be careful and savvy. But that's always the case. You need to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff, and that takes experience and an open-but-cautious mindset.

In Cyberland, there are many fakes. If someone looks too good to be true, they often are, sadly. But so what? Learn and move on.

I'm not so sure about Irish women being picky. To see some of the mismatched couples I've witnessed, I would've said the opposite. Maybe the ladies can shed some light on this for us. But I do know that, on any dating site, you're going to be facing a numbers game, whereby there might be just one female for every seven males (I'm guessing here and I am open to correction). So it's not enough to put up your biographical details and wait for the pretty girls to come running. It still takes work. But you can do a lot of it in one sitting.

If you don't have a photo up, put one up. Avoid sending one-liner emails - "How are you?". This is lazy and lacking in character. Never be negative - if you didn't click with your mum keep it a secret for now. Don't be too forward or pushy but make sure you show interest where appropriate. I'm sure when girls are totting up scorecharts for guys, being rich is seen as a plus. Indeed, my own girlfriend assures me that this is the case. Don't fight the system, either get rich or work on your other strengths. Anyway, it's no less shallow than guys being suckers for pretty girls. And, all things being equal, I'd prefer a rich girl to a poor one.

limklad

rediguana wrote:

Caveat emptor - buyer beware!

Yeah, you gotta be careful and savvy. But that's always the case. You need to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff, and that takes experience and an open-but-cautious mindset.

In Cyberland, there are many fakes. If someone looks too good to be true, they often are, sadly. But so what? Learn and move on.

I'm not so sure about Irish women being picky. To see some of the mismatched couples I've witnessed, I would've said the opposite. Maybe the ladies can shed some light on this for us. But I do know that, on any dating site, you're going to be facing a numbers game, whereby there might be just one female for every seven males (I'm guessing here and I am open to correction). So it's not enough to put up your biographical details and wait for the pretty girls to come running. It still takes work. But you can do a lot of it in one sitting.

If you don't have a photo up, put one up. Avoid sending one-liner emails - "How are you?". This is lazy and lacking in character. Never be negative - if you didn't click with your mum keep it a secret for now. Don't be too forward or pushy but make sure you show interest where appropriate. I'm sure when girls are totting up scorecharts for guys, being rich is seen as a plus. Indeed, my own girlfriend assures me that this is the case. Don't fight the system, either get rich or work on your other strengths. Anyway, it's no less shallow than guys being suckers for pretty girls. And, all things being equal, I'd prefer a rich girl to a poor one.

Done all of the above - never be negative, put up photos etc.

I am always getting complements and offers from foreign (English speaking) girls from UK, US, Europe, even as far away as South Africa, New Zealand and Australia. I am just saying what I have experience with online dating here in this country. I have sent out loads of emails, and test them on foreign women as well and getting a hell of a lot of responses from them. The only emails I get here (Ireland) is from foreigners who leave after a few months to go home (Short term relationship only). The way things are going, I probably have to immigrate to find a woman to cuddle up to. You can only get a certain level of intimacy with a computer!! :eek:

rediguana

limklad wrote:

Done all of the above - never be negative, put up photos etc.

I am always getting complements and offers from foreign (English speaking) girls from UK, US, Europe, even as far away as South Africa, New Zealand and Australia. I am just saying what I have experience with online dating here in this country. I have sent out loads of emails, and test them on foreign women as well and getting a hell of a lot of responses from them. The only emails I get here (Ireland) is from foreigners who leave after a few months to go home (Short term relationship only). The way things are going, I probably have to immigrate to find a woman to cuddle up to. You can only get a certain level of intimacy with a computer!! :eek:

I don't have a theory for why foreign women find you more attractive than the Irish variety seem to. At least you're getting some joy.

Yes, your laptop is a means, not an end. Supplement your online wooing of females with real-world stuff too. I have no idea how to pick up outside of niteclubs and bars. I'm attached since 2002, though, so the last time I was systematically on the prowl, I was in my early twenties, so it tended to be all clubs.

People tend to cast aspersions on hooking up in clubs. But reserve judgement. Not EVERYONE is very drunk. I met my girlfriend in the biggest meatmarket (Reardens, avoid it) in Cork five years ago. I'll probably marry her. The good thing about clubs is that, generally, people are inebriated to greater or lesser degrees. So people who are usually timid, become bold; the cautious become more open; the shy get flirty. This kind of atmosphere can offer a promising avenue for making that initial contact with someone who may later turn out to be special.

CALI

Yep! It's a year down the line and i am still single! Yeah I know there must be something wrong with me....Another Patrick's night out and here I am home on my own, only soon hopefully I will be in my own house on my own and not renting anymore.. No doubt i will have cats to keep me company next paddys!! I think i have just gotten so sick of the nightclub scene and it's hard to meet anyone outside of that. Everyone is so drunk and even if a guy comes over to talk to ya he might be so drunk that you dont end up having a proper conversation. that has become one of my recent hates. I am sick of meeting my friends boyfriends and thinking they are nice and then never meeting anyone like them. I am at the age when fellas are with the girls they have been with for the last 4-5 years and basically i have missed the boat.
My friends say it s a lot to do with me not giving guys a chance which is probably true as i think i might actually be afraid of guys....mad i know but because i have been on my own for so long i am able to do everything for myself and never needed a guy..it appears that needy girls always have boyfriends. I think i am doomed for singledom!!

sorry bout the half drunken rant!:):D

Tuvok

I feel the same way as you too. I was out with my mates tonight (who all have girlfriends) and I am starting to think that I am never going to meet anyone that I feel comfortable with. I am a bit shy so I don't approach women but they approach me. For some reason or other I don't give them a chance and then I end up being annoyed at myself the next day about this. I am often interested in them but afraid to show it.....

I can remember a lot of times were I have been told that a girl likes me but even though I am attracted to her I don't do anything about it. I am in my early 30's and this has been a problem with me all my life.

LegacyUser

Hi Cali

Its scary reading your posts cos its like you are talking about my life!!! I am a little further on than you......I dont go out any more was sick of being the gooseberry. I was never the sort to meet a fella in a club and go home with them. 2 reasons for that one I a a bit of a prude(not into guys who are after one thing) when it comes to that and second I was always the one in the group(when we were all single) that fellas never approached. I have been told by friends male and female that i am good looking so i dont think its that. An ex friend of mine told me once that when i was out in a club i didnt come across as being very approachable when i asked why this was she siad oh i dont know you just dont???? HUH????

As for getting your own place.....i did that last year now dont get me wrong i love it and would give it up for all the world even if i am broke all the time BUT its ssssssssoooooooooooo lonely, to being with friends were calling all the time to see the new house but now........they are all off doing their couplie things and I have come to hate the weekends, sitting in alone from Friday evenin until i go to work on Monday.

I too long for some one to be with, share highs and lows, just to have some one there to day "how was your day" Why is it so hard? Why cant I meet some one? Whats wrong with me? These are questions i ask myself over and over again.

As for online dating, that whole thing scares me. Maybe i a wrong but i think it is risker for girls than guys. I would be afraid that its full of weirdos and i would have no way of knowing.

Sorry for rambling basically what i am saying is you are not alone out there, i know exactly how you feel.

Zen 2nd

You can never miss the boat. Just swim out to it!

CALI wrote:

i have been on my own for so long i am able to do everything for myself and never needed a guy..it appears that needy girls always have boyfriends. I think i am doomed for singledom!!

Technically anyone can go through life without a boyfriend/girlfriend but I would imagine their life to be very lonely.

Dudess

CALI wrote: »

I am at the age when fellas are with the girls they have been with for the last 4-5 years and basically i have missed the boat.

No you haven't. You're nearly 30 aren't you? My brother's 34 and he happened to mention the other day that plenty of his friends only started going out with their first partner in their early 30s. My uncle reckoned he'd always be a bachelor and met his now wife at 46 (she was 36) and they have three children!
It's not about age, it's about confidence - and you don't seem to have much of it. Start working on it. The first thing you can do is keep telling yourself until you believe it: "Actually I do deserve someone, I do deserve love."

Drift

Hey CALI, I'm a guy and I'm a few years younger than you (nearly 26) but in the same situation. I've never had a gf either. I don't really have much advice for you because if I knew the solution I'd be doing it myself. But I just wanted to let you know that there are quite a few guys out there in the same situation.

From a pro-active point of viesw all you can do is put yourself out there. There's a saying for guys that "faint heart never won fair lady" but it could just as easy be applied in reverse. All you can do is be brave and go for things you think you'd like. In the end we never regret the times we tried and failed only the times we never took the chance.

Also in the meantime don't put your life on hold waiting for the perfect guy to make you happy. Make yourself happy with life in general and it will make you more attractive and appealing to partners.

Good luck CALI. From your posts I know you'll be a great catch for some lucky guy.

Dragan

Heya Cali,

could i just ask what you have done differently in the last year that you didn't do before hand?

Sprouts

Just reading all these posts and thinking us Irish are just a bit complicated. From a girls point of view, they are normally out with their friends and have to deal with wave after wave of drunken blokes coming up and trying to chat them up, because of this the girls understandably raise the barriers and are defensive talking to anyone. Most lads now won't approach because of this, so tend to have a few before trying to run the gauntlet. Its a vicious circle. Nightclubs are terrible places for trying to meet someone.

StinkerbelleSix

Cali and unreg girl.. I could have written those posts myself. Absolutely everything resonated deeply with me. I'm 28, single, all my friends are settled down and I feel like a gooseberry when I'm out with them. Patrick's Day was a nightmare as everyone headed home with their respective partners and I felt so lonely going home on my own that I just wanted to cry...before that was Valentine's, before that New Years, before that Christmas (I won't go back any further.. You get the picture:o)

One thing I will say is that there are so many of us in the same boat, but sometimes in the lonlieness its hard not to feel isolated. It kind of eats away at your self confidence.. I'm actually quite good looking but any time a guy even approaches me I'm wondering if he's doing it for a bet..I guess being single in my late twenties makes me feel like some sort of social deviant!

Give online dating a try girls. I joined a site two weeks ago and its heartening to see just how many decent, hard working, good looking guys out there - many of them feeling the exact same way we do. I've had loads of emails already and some are definetly worth persuing. Whether anything will actually come of it is anyones guess. But I'm not about to give up now. And I suggest that you girls don't give up either

CALI

Dragon-I'm not really sure if I have done much differently in a year! I mean I have quite a good social life but I think my problem is that I am shy and like another poster says I am never convinced that when a good looking guy comes to talk to me that he really wants to. If that makes sense. I'm convinced that I appear like I am offering more than I am...as in I can be dressed up and look good but when it gets to the end of the night he will realise that I am just a prude who won't go home with him Not that i think I should be going home with guys cos that's just not me but at the end of a night out it's nearly expected....

How Strange

CALI wrote: »

Dragon-I'm not really sure if I have done much differently in a year! I mean I have quite a good social life but I think my problem is that I am shy and like another poster says I am never convinced that when a good looking guy comes to talk to me that he really wants to. If that makes sense. I'm convinced that I appear like I am offering more than I am...as in I can be dressed up and look good but when it gets to the end of the night he will realise that I am just a prude who won't go home with him Not that i think I should be going home with guys cos that's just not me but at the end of a night out it's nearly expected....

Cali, I don't think that makes you a prude. Personally, I think that shows you have some self respect. I was exactly the same when I was single and would be if I were single again. I was never into one night stands because you feel like sh1t afterwards.
Honestly, if a guy is interested in you then you'll exchange numbers and meet up again.
I think it's just that it gets more complicated as you get older. I was single for pretty much all of my 20's and I always refused to settle just to be like my friends.

One thing I used to do was be very abrasive towards guys because I questioned their motives especially in god awful places like clubs (good for dancing, bad for meeting guys) and ironically when I gave up completely and said f*ck it, I'm just going to enjoy being single cos it looks like I'll be that way for a while more I met my bf.

It's a catch 22 really. I know all about the lonliness and the gooseberry feeling. I remember one of my friends wouldn't come to a party I was having once because her bf wasn't around and she said she wouldn't know anyone except me. I told her that's how I feel all the time but I still go to parties and nights out.

I think we feel like this because we are sold the dream from when we are kids - happiness is being in love and having a partner. Therefore if we don't have that then everything else feels empty. We know it's complete BS but it's hard to overcome that kind of brainwashing.

I don't have an answer for you but from what I've seen on boards there are loads of guys and girls out there who feel exactly the same.

Dragan

If some dude thinks you are a prude simply because you won't go home with him then i think he is not the kind of guy you want to end up with anyway.

Sometimes it can just take a while to meet the one we are meant to be with. Sometimes it can take a long time.

Personally i have been through 2 relationships at the age of 26 that made me feel like i had found "the one". Not the case though so looming on 27 i find myself single and to be honest not even remotely worried about that.

I have found that the more you stress these things the more impact it will have on your life. I would consider myself to be like you in that i am not a massive fan of picking people up in the pub/club scene.

While this works for plenty of people i find that i am just a little bit off key from most people who go the "normal" pubs and clubs. I tend to base my interest in people off conversation and intelligence as well as looks, so i like to be able to chat with them, not shout things over crap music.

So, upon this realisation i kind of figured i would have to change things up to meet the type of person i want to meet. Now i find i have a fantastic freedom and will happily talk to anyone anywhere, whereas when i first started trying to do this my own shyness would cost me as well.

The simply fact is that sometimes we need to make a concerted effort to reach out to someone in an odd environment.

I guess what i'm really trying to say is there is not point in giving out about things a year down the line if, in the year, nothing has changed and no further action been taken.

I mean, if you lost you car keys would you sit on the couch and look for them, or take a walk around the house?

Wurly

Ok now I feel like a piece of crap. Im single 4 years. Having the worst drought of my life. Have barely kissed anyone in that time. Im so scared that this is it.


So being single for one year really isnt that bad cali.

Dudess

Read her opening post again, Tri. She's saying she has never had a boyfriend.

StinkerbelleSix wrote: »

I guess being single in my late twenties makes me feel like some sort of social deviant!

That crap is peddled by people from older generations whose views aren't relevant anymore, and by some idiots from younger generations who feel they have to comply with certain old-fashioned "norms". It's because of rubbish like that that people (mostly women) settle for someone whom they're not that madly in love with. I find it hard to believe so many people are madly in love with each other. Not all of these relationships are gonna last. A person changes hugely between 25 and 45.
You've got to be happy in yourself too. I also think there's a danger that people are just looking for an "other half" in order to feel validated.

How Strange wrote: »

Cali, I don't think that makes you a prude. Personally, I think that shows you have some self respect. I was exactly the same when I was single and would be if I were single again. I was never into one night stands because you feel like sh1t afterwards.

Yeah, I went through a phase of one-night stands but went off them eventually.

I remember one of my friends wouldn't come to a party I was having once because her bf wasn't around

That's idiocy. Can't stand that crap. What about you, her friend?! Some people are so ridiculously needy and it's not good for a relationship.

Wurly

Yes, I saw that. But she was referencing the time span of a year a lot. So thats why I posted and said that a year isnt that bad.

Ginny

Like Dragan I've had 2 serious relationships where marriage was talked about but at 29 I'm single again, and again like Dragan theres no panic.
I'm focusing on me, and what I want, Cali don't despair, but don't compromise either.
Like you I will not be going home with random blokes from a club and if thats a problem well then so be it.
As for online dating, I gave it a whirl and all I got was hookup requests...nice.

Dragan

GinnyJo wrote: »

As for online dating, I gave it a whirl and all I got was hookup requests...nice.

*grins* Tell me about it. Some of the things people can want to do to you based of a photo is very, very strange and often scary.

Personally i would once again suggest to people to just get out there and TALK to people with no other aim than simply talking.

I have always thought and have also read many people say here that the time your normally end up in a relationship is when you are happy with yourself and not even looking.

This is very, very true as confidence and inner happiness are key to attracting a partner.