On a break from boyfriend, can't help texting/calling

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend have decided to take a break from each other for a while, but the only thing is I'm finding it hard not to text him or call him. He seems to have no problem and won't write back when I do so I end up feeling really stupid. I want to give him some space but its hard! Any advice??

It's only been one day so far aswell! I dont know how long we will take a break for, we may not even get back together.

jesus_thats_gre

Jesus is it that hard to work out? Why did you agree to take a break when it is obvious that you like him.

Chinafoot

How long have you been together?

What was the reason for the break?

LegacyUser

'We've been together for 1 year and 7 months, but we split for about 1 month and 1/2 in August.
The reason for the break is we both think we see too much of each other and he says we've gotten into a routine.
Yes I do really love him, and I'm beginning to realise i love him a lot more than he loves me, which hurts quite a bit.
He goes out at night a lot about 4-5 times a week, usually I would go too maybe 2 of these nights, but now he's brushing off my suggestions to join him. He's been out Tues, Wed and now tonight without me with his mates. Its just im used to seeing him so much and texting him, but now its so sudden and I don't want to, I want to be stronger than that, to prove to him I am and also to myself. I reckon we'll just break up, its probably for the best.
I also dont really trust him and he knows that, i think im just really jealous!
i've been trying to occupy myself with other stuff but i still cant stop thinking about him and wanting to call him and see what he's up to.
He says he wants to take a break to sort things out in his head and he thinks i need to sort out my head too. which i do but its hard not to see him.'

Carrigart Exile

wewereonabreak! wrote:

Me and my boyfriend have decided to take a break from each other for a while, but the only thing is I'm finding it hard not to text him or call him. He seems to have no problem and won't write back when I do so I end up feeling really stupid. I want to give him some space but its hard! Any advice??

It's only been one day so far aswell! I dont know how long we will take a break for, we may not even get back together.

When men get hurt they go into themselves for some time, so he will ignore you - and if he is hurting he will actually enjoy ignoring your texts. Stop texting, that will bring him round if that's what you want.

BeardyGit

How old are you? I'm guessing you're teenagers if you couldn't hold off texting someone for 24 hours?

And I'd guess that he's the one who called the break if you're the one who can't leave him alone. Am I right or wrong on this?

Wibbs

All you can do is give him space. The fact is there's little you can do to change his mind about how he feels or doesn't feel, nor should you want to. The feelings have to come from him.

If you had a good basis for the relationship it's quite possible the time apart will strengthen that. He may realise what he had,he may not, but he will only realise what he had if you're not still around. It'll give you both the time to think where you both stand.

Beetlebum

It sounds like you are way too dependent on him. 24hrs without contact and your already at breaking point? That's insane!!
Keep yourself busy, spend time with your mates doing things you enjoy and don't give in to the temptation to call him. It seems that he takes you for granted and is abit bored by the routine you've gotten into. By calling him now, you'll just reconfirm what he already knows, that you're right there waiting for him. It sounds to me like you are quite clingy and needy and that's just not sexy. If he sees that you're coping fine without him and he doesn't hear from you then maybe he'll realise that he misses you but Jesus, give the guy a chance to miss you!!

Talliesin

wewereonabreak! wrote:

The reason for the break is we both think we see too much of each other and he says we've gotten into a routine.

Hmm. At this sentence I hear "Oh no. If we get into a routine, we might have a structure upon which we can build a successful and happy life together".

What exactly is his problem with having a routine?

wewereonabreak! wrote:

I also dont really trust him and he knows that, i think im just really jealous!

Why don't you trust him?

CathyMoran

When my husband and I were on breaks we constantly were texting one another (even when we were dating other people!), we probably should not have been apart in the first place.

Delete his number from your phone and write it down somewhere, go out and do things to keep yourself busy and look forward not to the past, you are on a break and you have no obligations to him.

tbh

firstly, I have to say that if you love someone, you can't spend enough time with them. Someone telling you they want a break because you spend too much time together is saying "I want to break up with you, but I don't want it to be on my conscience. So how about we take a break, and we just end up never getting back together? that'd be great". Now, that's just IMO, but it's based on experience.

Secondly, you've been with this guy for a year and a bit, and you've developed patterns of behaviour during this time. It's like stopping smoking in a way - you have learned to react to certain situations by contacting your boyfriend. If you see something you think he'd like, you text him. If you are feeling a bit dodgy, you text him. This behaviour has been reinforced for a long period of time, to the point where it's become automatic. You have to learn a different reaction, which is basically not texting him. It's not something that happens overnight, but it will happen. You won't wake up one morning thinking "Today is the day I won't text my ex!", what will happen is that you'll see something that reminds you of him and you'll realise that you havn't missed him or thought about him in ....how long? god, aaaages.

Finally, and I've said this before in other posts similar to this, texting your ex is like hitting the snooze button on your alarm on a cold rainy morning. You know you have to get up, just....not yet. You know you have to break off any contact, just.....not yet. The problem is that, when you break up with someone, you naturally go through a bit of a crappy time. It happens to even the coldest heart, and it just goes away after a while. However, you have to go through it to beat it. What you are doing by texting your b/f is postponing dealing with those hard feelings. When you text him, you imagine that he'll text back, and your imagination takes the ball and runs with it, he'll text me back, I'll text him, he'll call me, we'll work things out - you get a little "high" from sending the text, but this is balanced by a "low" when you get a text and it's not from him. The only way to avoid the lows is not to indulge in the highs. If you don't text him, you won't be disappointed when he doesn't text back. If you don't text him, you deal with the natural feelings of depression we all feel when we end it with someone, and thus you move on all the quicker. I always advice people, when you break up with someone, it's best to have no contact with them if at all possible for about six months, let your emotions settle and let the hurt heal, and then you are not swayed by feeling so much.

you have to be strong for your own sake, but it'll be worth it in the long run. This guy isn't the one for you.

Talliesin

tbh wrote:

firstly, I have to say that if you love someone, you can't spend enough time with them.

I agree with your post, though I would add that while it's not possible to spend too much time with a loved one, it is possible to not spend enough time doing something else, because of how much time you spend with a loved one.

Of course mathematically this is the same as spending too much time with a loved one, but mathematics isn't the way to think about these things

If either person was finding that they weren't doing important things (and important things includes spending time with other loved ones such as friends, as well as the pay-the-bills stuff and the develop-as-a-person stuff) then that is indeed a problem.

wewereonabreak!

wewereonabreak! wrote:

'We've been together for 1 year and 7 months, but we split for about 1 month and 1/2 in August.
The reason for the break is we both think we see too much of each other and he says we've gotten into a routine.
Yes I do really love him, and I'm beginning to realise i love him a lot more than he loves me, which hurts quite a bit.
He goes out at night a lot about 4-5 times a week, usually I would go too maybe 2 of these nights, but now he's brushing off my suggestions to join him. He's been out Tues, Wed and now tonight without me with his mates. Its just im used to seeing him so much and texting him, but now its so sudden and I don't want to, I want to be stronger than that, to prove to him I am and also to myself. I reckon we'll just break up, its probably for the best.
I also dont really trust him and he knows that, i think im just really jealous!
i've been trying to occupy myself with other stuff but i still cant stop thinking about him and wanting to call him and see what he's up to.
He says he wants to take a break to sort things out in his head and he thinks i need to sort out my head too. which i do but its hard not to see him.'

Oh just throw away your phone and get a new number.
He broke up with you.
Despite you loving him etc it shouldnt be acceptable to you that he wants to replace you with several nights out a week without you.
He will get with someone else probably several others.
Is that also acceptable to you?
Do you believe that you should wait right through that?
You are turning yourself into a doormat.

Quit now I say and move on.

Yours Bluntly
T.

tbh

Talliesin wrote:

I agree with your post, though I would add that while it's not possible to spend too much time with a loved one, it is possible to not spend enough time doing something else, because of how much time you spend with a loved one.

Of course mathematically this is the same as spending too much time with a loved one, but mathematics isn't the way to think about these things

If either person was finding that they weren't doing important things (and important things includes spending time with other loved ones such as friends, as well as the pay-the-bills stuff and the develop-as-a-person stuff) then that is indeed a problem.

yep agreed, but based on this story, I think when the boyfriend says "I want to do other things" he means "I want to do other people"

maybe I'm wrong. It's been known to happen.

Talliesin

Nah, I think you're right.

I also think though that it's good to try to either not make assumptions beyond what we know in an OPs post or else state "assuming that...".

Hopefully if the possibility I mention is likely then that will in turn help the OP weight up how to consider what you have to say on the matter. Conversely if the possibility I mention isn't likely this in turn gives the OP another angle to consider in weighing up what you have to say.

Either way the OP is hopefully in a better position when deciding whether to accept, ignore or partly accept what you have to say.

LegacyUser

'

Gil_Dub wrote:

How old are you? I'm guessing you're teenagers if you couldn't hold off texting someone for 24 hours?

And I'd guess that he's the one who called the break if you're the one who can't leave him alone. Am I right or wrong on this?

I'm 20 and he's 24. With our jobs (both evening jobs) we found it easier to text than call because if serving customers you can't really be on the phone. We both wanted the break its just he is dealing with it better. I definetly would have thought of him to be my best friend.

Beetlebum wrote:

It sounds like you are way too dependent on him. 24hrs without contact and your already at breaking point? That's insane!!

Yeah maybe I am. But we were never the couple to have a day without some sort of contact. This was his doing aswell.

Talliesin wrote:

What exactly is his problem with having a routine?

Why don't you trust him?

He is probably bored. He thinks we are too young to be getting serious, which is true i suppose. I don't trust him because he cheated on me very early on in our relationship (but so did i, but i just seem to ignore that!) and the fact he goes out so much, he gets a lot of attention, even when im there, like he is a very good looking bloke. i really try to trust him, but my mind wanders!

CathyMoran wrote:

Delete his number from your phone and write it down somewhere

I wish I didn't know it in my head from all this time!

tbh wrote:

Someone telling you they want a break because you spend too much time together is saying "I want to break up with you, but I don't want it to be on my conscience. So how about we take a break, and we just end up never getting back together? that'd be great".

Secondly, you've been with this guy for a year and a bit, and you've developed patterns of behaviour during this time. It's like stopping smoking in a way - you have learned to react to certain situations by contacting your boyfriend. If you see something you think he'd like, you text him. If you are feeling a bit dodgy, you text him. This behaviour has been reinforced for a long period of time, to the point where it's become automatic. You have to learn a different reaction, which is basically not texting him.

His reasoning for the break is he needs some time apart to sort his head out. This is fair enough. He admitted to me that if we broke up, a few days later he'd want to get back with me. He said he has a pain inside him because he rememebers all the good times.

Thats very true. Seeing as his was my best friend and i could tell him anything, i would call him and tell him something rather than one of my girlfriends. He would do the same to me, like call me when he's bored in work.

Tristrame wrote:

Oh just throw away your phone and get a new number.
He broke up with you.
Despite you loving him etc it shouldnt be acceptable to you that he wants to replace you with several nights out a week without you.
He will get with someone else probably several others.
Is that also acceptable to you?
Do you believe that you should wait right through that?
You are turning yourself into a doormat.

Quit now I say and move on.

Usually he would want me to come out but with college, I find it impossible to have so many late nights, but its just this week he has been saying in a round about way, he doesnt want me to go.
Yeah, I am aware that he could be with someone else during this time and I've decided I'm going to end it properly. I'm ok today, he called me when he got home last night at about 4am (which he would usually do) and woke me up, i spoke to him briefly about my night and then said i have to go. he texted me today to ask was i ok? i didnt reply. I would have rathered not answer the phone last night but i was asleep when he called and without thinking automatically answered to shut off the noise!


Thanks for all the advice. Hopefully I won't be talking to him this weekend but I may have no choice because we share the same circle of friends and my friends want to go to where he works this weekend but i'm going to try. at the moment i dont want to be with him, but with love and all that, i know that changes day to day!'

LegacyUser

He called me there and I didn't answer and now he has called twice after that so 3 calls in the past 30 minutes. its hard to ignore but i just put my phone on silent and forget about it. i feel bad for him calling and me not answer. he has always answered my calls. oh well!

LegacyUser

I know yous will all say "I told ya so" but turns out he has been cheating on me with this girl who just started working with him. She started working on Monday last (the 5th) and me and my boyfriend (ok, my ex!) went away with friends on the thursday the 7th, we get back on the tuesday 13th, take 'a break' on the Wednesday (14th).

Turns out, he goes out with her and another work friend on Wednesday night, kissed her(apparantly thats all that happened) and then met me later that night and i stayed over in his and we slept together (which i can't believe happened now if he had just kissed her that night!!), then thursday he didnt want me to go out with him, but i dont think he saw her, and friday(last night) they were working together, had a few drinks after work and kissed again and she went back to his flat.

i was up early for work today so i called him at about 7am, knowing he would probably still be up. I heard a girl laughing in the background. He says it's the TV, like im stupid or something!! Then i ask him to explain, he doesnt and hangs up and stops answering his phone.

And then this is where it gets messy: I decided to go down to his house, let myself in and i walk in on him and the new girl from work sitting on his couch watching tv, snuggled up, his arm around her, fully clothed they were still drinking from the night before. i dont know what possessed me to go down to his house but i am really glad i did now! it made me sick to see him with someone else!
They were clearly shocked to see me and didnt even move and i said to her "Do you know that is my boyfriend?" (i was very calm) and she was like "no, im so sorry blah blah, i'll go now."
So she leaves and my ex starts asking me why am i in his house and then says he needs to run after her to explain. so he leaves me in the house as he runs down the road! a total pric.k! Then we talk for about 1 1/2 hours bout everything.

I'm still in shock, i feel so sad. And the worse thing was i had to go to work straight after for 6 hours. I know they didnt sleep together because i went into his room and the bed still has things all over it and they would have only been finished work a few hours. it just really hurt to see her doing things with him that i used to do, only TWO days ago!

She works with him now so they are going to see each other everyday, obviously me and him aren't staying together but i asked him what he sees when he looks at me and he said "My best friend", he also told me that he loves me. I just don't understand why he did this to me!? I guess that is the same with everyone when they get cheated on
he has been apologetic but is in work again with her tonight and tomorrow and im sure they will sort things out and be together although he says he doesnt want to be with her, i dont believe him and i'll never know because they will spend so much time together in work. i hate guys!

dudara

You confronted him and her in his house, she leaves and he chooses to run down the road after her. Without being harsh, I think that says it all.

CathyMoran

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You need to get away from this situation, get away from his life, the fact that he ran after her says lots. I confronted someone who was seeing my then boyfriend, she had the cheek to say that all was fair in love and war and continued to see him. This situation will get more messy and you do not need the heartache. By all means check up on him in 6 months but I imagine that he will be dating her by that stage and you will be dating someone else. Do not wait for him, he is not worth your tears.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote:

You confronted him and her in his house, she leaves and he chooses to run down the road after her. Without being harsh, I think that says it all.

Yes i know. i dont want to be with him now! but i still love him but i really hope that goes soon!
hes after telling me that he and her talked in work tonight and they are going to stop, it was meant to be a "laugh" nothing serious. i know he will be with her. it just will be tough because i WILL bump into him a lot because of our friends etc. arghghghhg!

secret_squirrel

he's pond life at the end of the day. he's behaving like he's the 20 year old not you. regardless of what he says he loves himself not you. dump him and move on for the sake of your self esteme if nothing else. he doesn't love you no matter how many times he tells you.

LegacyUser

'Yeah we are definitley not together. He is scum, you are right. My friends could not believe it when I told them, because he never appeared to be that kind of guy. I'm feeling quite okay actually. I was in the same bar as him last night for a while and did not speak to him and felt grand about it. Thanks'