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WTF do i do?

  • 11-03-2007 01:02PM
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭


    I dont usually post here, but my head is messed at the moment and need some encouragement and advice.

    Ive got a job offer on the plate in england, its a fantastic opportunity for me which probably wont come up again, but the gf of 4 years doesnt want to go.

    i love her to bits and dont know if i can go ahead with it. Ive had it in my head that im definetly goin and have told her this, but over the last while ive started to realise that i dont think i can leave her. I know its only an hour away by plane and im totally committed to making this work but apparently from what her friends told me last night the gf doesnt think it will work.

    I know long distance relationships are based on trust we do trust each other, but seriously can it work or am i just being totally optimistic?
    My head is in bits trying to decide what i should do, this is the hardest and biggest decision ive ever had to make in my life.

    Any advice would be cool.


«1

Comments

  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Bloody hell, that's a tough one. Is there no chance the GF could be persuaded to go with you, even after a couple of months when you get settled? Is she on a career path here and that's why she can't go or is it her family?

    I'd get more confirmation of what her friends have said she said too. Friends can be very bad transmitters of reality, especially if they don't want to see her go. I'd talk to her about it and even mention you've heard she thinks it won't work. Ask her the reasons for her pessimism.

    Is this job permanent or contract? That might make a diff.

    Longterm, it's a hard choice to make and if you've been with this person for four years and she seems to be the "one" as it were, it's a total headwrecker. The romantic eejit in me would hope in a similar situation I'd pick the GF as a jobs a job. The realist in me is not so sure though.

    Best of luck there. I don't envy you.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 315 ✭✭danyosan


    Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this woman? Is the job a career furthering opportunity? You have to look at the long term picture here. If you answer yes to the first, I'd make the decision with her. If not, and it is a big career move, I'd call her bluff and go. Might be hard if she decides it not for her, but you would get over her eventually. You've got to think of the bigger picture here.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Ive got a job offer on the plate in england, its a fantastic opportunity for me which probably wont come up again, but the gf of 4 years doesnt want to go.

    If you are committed to putting the time and effort into the relationship there is no reason why is should not work. How serious are you about your girlfriend? My thinking would be that if you DON'T go, you will always harbour resentment towards her for stopping you.

    Yes, long distance relationships have to be nurtured and worked at (and long distance phone calls are a complete head wreck) but think about this logically. It's not Ulan Batur sweetheart, you can still see each other everey weekend (and spend quality time together).

    Also, you are merely going on second hand information through her friends. Have you had an indepth discussion with your girlfriend about this? If not, I would urge you to do so and think very carefully about giving up and oportunity that you have until now dreamt of. I can understand you are afraid of losing her but, as simplistic as it may sounds, it if is meant to work it will. Good Luck:)


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Gary, you posted in a thread in Abroad about getting a job in England. At the time (early January), you had no job offer there and were just thinking about it. Subsequently, you applied for several jobs over there, and got accepted for one.

    Did you not discuss moving with your girlfriend then? Would that not have been important? It seems you decided to go apply for jobs in England, move, and then see if your girlfriend is happy about it? You say that you don't think you can leave her, did this not occur to you before applying for a job in a different country?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    danyosan wrote:
    Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this woman? Is the job a career furthering opportunity? You have to look at the long term picture here. If you answer yes to the first, I'd make the decision with her. If not, and it is a big career move, I'd call her bluff and go. Might be hard if she decides it not for her, but you would get over her eventually. You've got to think of the bigger picture here.


    To answer this yes i want to be with her forever i think were perfect for each other, she thinks the same.

    Ye the job is a career furthering opportunity, I love the work il be doing and have a friend over there doing it. If i dont take this job, il never get a decent job in my choosen career here in ireland. Its rare an opportunity like this comes up.

    So i just dont know what to do, all her friends and my friends are really pissed off at me cos im planning on going and leaving her here.

    I know if i dont take it il regret it forever, but if i go i run the risk of loosing the love of my life.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,060 ✭✭✭✭biko


    How long is this job for? A year or several?
    You could take the job and give it 12 months. Then re-evaluate your situation.

    On the other hand, there will be more work opps but maybe not another girlfriend like her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    Faith wrote:
    Gary, you posted in a thread in Abroad about getting a job in England. At the time (early January), you had no job offer there and were just thinking about it. Subsequently, you applied for several jobs over there, and got accepted for one.

    Did you not discuss moving with your girlfriend then? Would that not have been important? It seems you decided to go apply for jobs in England, move, and then see if your girlfriend is happy about it? You say that you don't think you can leave her, did this not occur to you before applying for a job in a different country?

    We did discuss it and the long distance relationship was the conclusion, and i was happy with that at the time and convinced myself it would be grand for the year or so that im gone. But now as the time gets closer to going im having serious second thoughts about it


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    biko wrote:
    How long is this job for? A year or several?
    You could take the job and give it 12 months. Then re-evaluate your situation.

    On the other hand, there will be more work opps but maybe not another girlfriend like her.


    I dont know how long it will be for. I could hate it and come home in a month or i could love it and want to stay. But im planning about a year or so hopefully


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well, cheesy as it sounds, you gotta think of your future... This job could set you up for a good life, but is this the girl you're gonna stay with? If you're not 110% sure then go with the job...
    If you're sure she's "the one" then you've a few options:
    - Ask her to move with you
    - Try the job for a while, if it doesn't work move back
    - Let the job pass you by and hope you'll find one here
    You need to talk to her... Have a serious think... Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Gyalist


    Go and let the chips fall where they may. Do not alter your major life goals for any woman. Would she turn down an irresistible job offer in another country to stay here with you? I doubt it.

    You don't want to put yourself in the position a few years down the line where you are filled with regret for not taking the chance for a new adventure. That will breed resentment towards your girlfriend for having held you back.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    Gyalist wrote:
    Go and let the chips fall where they may. Do not alter your major life goals for any woman. Would she turn down an irresistible job offer in another country to stay here with you? I doubt it.

    You don't want to put yourself in the position a few years down the line where you are filled with regret for not taking the chance for a new adventure. That will breed resentment towards your girlfriend for having held you back.


    She would refuse an irresistible job for me, i know that. Im just a lot more driven and maybe ambitious than her and thats why were in this situation.

    And shes not just any woman, shes the love of my life and in know if it does end il never find anyone like her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,594 ✭✭✭forbairt


    The GF's been completely behind me on my decision to start being self employed ... its been a big step for me ... (we're getting married this year). I was looking at a job in london a while back and I guess she would have tried to move with me if I went there. So I'm not in the same boat but semi know what you're going through ...

    I personally think if you don't take the job you'll end up semi resentful ... maybe you don't think so .. but it'll come out at some stage in the future ... you'll wonder what if ... and so on ...

    England is a plan ride away and if ye are both commited to making the relationship work then I guess it wouldn't be that big a problem ?

    You could take the job for a number of months and see how the commuting works out for ye ? (assuming one of ye has weekends free) If it isn't working after 2 to 3 months settling in period .. pack it in and move back ?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think if it's only for a year youse could probably manage to do the whole long-distance thing or manage to persuade her to go with you if it's only a year. I personally would give it a go and if the long distance thing isn't working I'd come back, what's the use of a great job when you've got a broken heart? Only you know which is more important to you. Will you resent her if you don't go, will it affect the relationship? If she has said she doesn't think it'll work if you're gone then tell her she doesn't know that for sure and will never know until she gives it a try. I did the long-distance thing for 16 months and it was ok for the first year but gradually stopped working.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 flamingo


    It sounds like she's not particularly career-minded, from what you say, yet you would end up regretting it if you did not take this once-in-a-lifetime job ... so what are her reasons for not moving over with you for a year? Is it job, family, friends, etc? Are they 'valid' reasons?!

    Personally, I see no reason why the LDR option would not work - I mean, it's only a short hop, and it's perfectly possible to use up all your joint annual leave to ensure that you get to spend about a week a month together - which isn't really THAT bad, when weekend breaks are also such an easy option. However, if she is so convinced it wouldn't work (well, if what her friends say is to be believed) I think I'd be wondering what's that about. Why is she so convinced it would not work, without even trying it?! Does she have some unacknowledged uncertainties about the relationship?

    I recognise what you're saying about her being the love of your life, and that's great, but resentments can fester all the same. You both really need to sit down and bash it all out, considering ALL options, looking outside the box, at the pro/cons of all situations, and seeing option would be the least damaging for you in the long-term.

    I don't envy you tho!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,790 ✭✭✭slavetothegrind


    This may seem cold.

    You say she is the love of your life, but is the reverse true?

    Does she confide in her friends more than you?

    Is she 100% honest with you?

    If she has hinted at the relationship not standing up to a year apart it would occur to me that she would see this as a way out for her?

    It would be better to be hurt now than later. Have a heart to heart and resolve true feelings. Less than 100% positivity from either of you would probably indicate it is not to be.

    I have seen a friend of mine get married and have her leave him the following week when she "realised" it was not for her. A little bit of honesty could have saved a lot of heartbreak.

    I sincerely hope it works out for you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,311 ✭✭✭xebec


    Really tough one! I'll be in a similar situation in the near future, but have already discussed it with my gf, and at this time in our lives we've agreed that work and jobs are what we're going to focus on for a year or two. This means we'll be in seperate parts of the world, and will only see each other at irregular periods. But the advantage is that it will set both of us up for the future, no matter where we choose to live and work there shouldn't be any problem getting a well-paid job and living comfortably. But then, we haven't been together as long as you guys have, and while we're sure we want to be together we also realise that we have to do the right thing for ourselves as individuals too because who knows what the future brings.

    My gut instinct for you would be to take the job and make it work long distance for a year. It really is so easy to get between Ireland and England. Bring her over for a few weeks, you never know, she might fall in love with the place! And if it doesn't work out, it should give you a boost in the Irish job market when you come back (by the sounds of it anyway).

    Good luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    From the work and jobs forum I understood that you have accepted the job and are going regardless?

    I guess I'm not as tolerant as I thought because if, after 4 years togeth,r I was not involved in the decision I would be annoyed. I have given up a job I love to move for my relationship, It was something we talked over, examined all the possibilities and both decided it was the best option.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 643 ✭✭✭Beelzebub


    Good advice from joeclif and flamingo.

    This will be a major test of your relationship.
    If your relationship is truly strong then it will not only survive but become stronger.
    If your relationship is not strong, then you will know sooner rather than later.

    Good luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If she liked you enough, she would go...it is that simple.

    The fact that she isn't going means she doesn't love you enough to go...

    Don't try make excuses for her, just analyse her actions...if she goes, she adores you, if she doesn't go, she doesn't love you enough...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    cheesedude wrote:
    If she liked you enough, she would go...it is that simple.

    The fact that she isn't going means she doesn't love you enough to go...

    Don't try make excuses for her, just analyse her actions...if she goes, she adores you, if she doesn't go, she doesn't love you enough...

    Should I post ...
    if you liked her enough, you would stay, it is that simple. The fact that you are going means you don't love her enough. Make excuses for yourself. If you go you just don't love her enough. Make excuses, analyse your actions. If you stay you adore her. if you go, you don't love her enough...

    Of course not, we don't know enough about them, their careers or their relationship to say something like that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,585 ✭✭✭honru


    Gyalist wrote:
    Go and let the chips fall where they may. Do not alter your major life goals for any woman. Would she turn down an irresistible job offer in another country to stay here with you? I doubt it.

    I agree. A woman should always be second to your mission in life.

    If you told her tomorrow that you aren't going to take the job because you want to stay with her, I don't think she'll be too happy.

    Also, she said to her friends that she "doesn't think it will work". That doesn't prove much commitment tbh.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    I agree. A woman should always be second to your mission in life.

    If you told her tomorrow that you aren't going to take the job because you want to stay with her, I don't think she'll be too happy.

    Also, she said to her friends that she "doesn't think it will work". That doesn't prove much commitment tbh.

    She never actually said she "doesnt think it will work", friends got wires crossed and were drunk last night when it was said etc but that was never said by the gf.

    we had a massive chat about it earlier to clear things up.

    She knows what an opportunity this is for me and wants me to take, as has been said there would be resentment down the road if i didnt take it. She wants the best for us in the future and knows that I have to do this if im going to be successful.

    She wont go as shes to close to her friends and family, unlike me who wouldnt be as close to my family and all my friends are emigrating anyway. Tbh if it werent for her i would of went last year straight outta college with a couple of friends who were going at the time. I stayed for her and tried to get a good job but it didnt work out, and im really frustrated by it. As i said im a really ambitious and driven person and im frustrated by my lack of opportunities and life here.

    Besides my gf, there is nothing here in ireland for me, in fact my decision to go without her means that all her friends think im an asshole which is losing me more friends but that is neither here or there, but its putting more pressure on me and my gf during this tough time.

    And i havent actually accepted the job, but have to make the decision this week and i was all set to take it but am now getting second thoughts, hence the thread.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,260 ✭✭✭Elessar


    Good grief take the job. If you're not happy you can always come back. Your own goals and ambitions in life should always come before another person - I dont mean that in a bad way, it's just that your life is your life and you have to make the most of it, for you.

    If your relationship is strong you will make it work.

    As for your friends thinking you are an asshole - WTF?! Do they not realise you also have a life to live? They should be wishing you well.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 flamingo


    we had a massive chat about it earlier to clear things up.

    She knows what an opportunity this is for me and wants me to take, as has been said there would be resentment down the road if i didnt take it. She wants the best for us in the future and knows that I have to do this if im going to be successful.

    I'm glad ye had 'the' chat, Gary, and that it doesn't seem quite so negative now! Good luck with your decision, and I'm sure it'll all work out for ye :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 289 ✭✭louisecm


    Long distance (or medium distance in this case) relationships can work, but both parties have to really want it to because otherwise the strain can definitely have a negative impact on things. I have two good friends who are in long term long distance relationships and they are fine, their relationships are strong. But if there was any uncertainty about things on either side I reckon they wouldn't have survived. So I'd make bloody sure your girlfriend is as committed to your relationship as you say you are.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,574 ✭✭✭ZiabR


    I dont usually post here, but my head is messed at the moment and need some encouragement and advice.

    Ive got a job offer on the plate in england, its a fantastic opportunity for me which probably wont come up again, but the gf of 4 years doesnt want to go.

    i love her to bits and dont know if i can go ahead with it. Ive had it in my head that im definetly goin and have told her this, but over the last while ive started to realise that i dont think i can leave her. I know its only an hour away by plane and im totally committed to making this work but apparently from what her friends told me last night the gf doesnt think it will work.

    I know long distance relationships are based on trust we do trust each other, but seriously can it work or am i just being totally optimistic?
    My head is in bits trying to decide what i should do, this is the hardest and biggest decision ive ever had to make in my life.

    Any advice would be cool.

    This really is a tough one for you mate. If it were me i would only have to ask myself one question. "Can i see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman?" If the answer is "yes" then i think you know what to do, but if you have any doubt at all about how you both feel for each other then maybe you should take the job. Either way it is a very hard choice for you.

    One thing i will say is, there is no guarentee that you will like living over there and you might not like the job or the people you are working with etc. Then you might come home after 2 months, and ask yourself, you gave up the love of your life and took a chance and now you are left with nothing.

    I know its negitive for me to say that but it is all possible.

    Good luck with it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭gary the great


    logik wrote:
    This really is a tough one for you mate. If it were me i would only have to ask myself one question. "Can i see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman?" If the answer is "yes" then i think you know what to do, but if you have any doubt at all about how you both feel for each other then maybe you should take the job. Either way it is a very hard choice for you.

    One thing i will say is, there is no guarentee that you will like living over there and you might not like the job or the people you are working with etc. Then you might come home after 2 months, and ask yourself, you gave up the love of your life and took a chance and now you are left with nothing.

    I know its negitive for me to say that but it is all possible.

    Good luck with it.

    i dont really get you, were not breaking up were going to go with the long term relationship option. If i hate it, i can just come home and continue with the relationship a couple of months later, knowing that i tried and there will be no regrets.

    were both definetly commited to this, even though its going to be really really hard. Im still not totally certain im going to go, my head is wrecked thinking about it every minute of everyday.

    It would be great if she would come with me (she definetly wont, she likes Ireland, her friends and family to much) or if i could get a good job here, but lifes a bitch.

    I know friends should be encouraging me and wishing me well, but they cant believe im doing this and leaving her here.this has become a big issue over the last few days as there not afraid to tell the GF what they think of me for doing this and its increasing tension between everyone. They think it means i dont love her enough to stay for her etc but tbh its made me learn a lot about them and i dont mind leaving them behind now.

    Arrrrrrgh!!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,574 ✭✭✭ZiabR


    i dont really get you, were not breaking up were going to go with the long term relationship option. If i hate it, i can just come home and continue with the relationship a couple of months later, knowing that i tried and there will be no regrets.

    My apologies mate, i misread the post. It is great that you are both commited to this and commitied to giving it a shot.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    What happens if you adore the job and excel at it, constantly getting promoted? What if you're offered a fantastic promotion, but you have to move to California for it or something?

    I think you need to think in the long term here. If your girlfriend is never going to leave Ireland, and yuo feel you'll never get a decent job here, then you've got a problem.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 500 ✭✭✭warrenaldo


    personally if it was me - the girl or the job. id choose the girl.

    jobs can be changed and you can move around until you can find the right one. but will you ever find a girl as good?

    and what if you dont like the job when you go over. maybe youll be working long hours - might be stressfull.

    i have a friend who moved over to the UK in similar circumstances. about 6 months ago now. altho he finshed with his g/f a few months prior to leaving.

    he is moving back next month as he feels a bit homesick. he has a good social life over there but misses his friends and family and the lifestyle he had over here.

    food for thought.


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