Guilt and shame

LegacyUser

Hi, I need help with something ive been going over and over in my head lately and im not sure whats the right thing to do. Im not even sure where to start really.
For the last 5 years or so ive been suffering from clinical depressin and anxiety. In this time I have become quite isolated and I dont really have any friends as such. I have some aquantances but dont really see them very often and ive been single for a very long time. In fact, ive never really had a proper relationship at all.
About 9 months ago, I was having a look at personal ads on some website. I decided to answer a few. Never really got any responses or anything though untill one day when I got a response from somebody which said "see more here", it turned out to be an "escort" website. The idea of seeing an escort never even entered my mind before but I couldnt help browsing the site. At some point, I had the idea in my head that I was never really going to have a proper relationship with anybody and just felt pretty crappy. I didnt have much going on in my life or have any friends or anything so seeing a girl advertised here seemed like a good idea. So I did. I wish I could say I only seen the one but I have seen quite a large number now. It seemed to give me something to look forward to.
Relatively recently, I have met a girl who I am really starting to like and she seems to feel the same. Nothing has happened yet but it seems that a relationship might develop. The problem is, I feel so guilty about having seen escorts. I feel like im lying to her about the type of person I am as she dosnt know about this. If I told her about this, Im pretty sure that it would be the end of us before we even get a chance to start. But how can I not tell her? If this is the type of person I am then she has to know this. I cant lead her to believe im something im not. I really wish I never seen any escorts and then maybe now I could feel happy about meeting someone.
What are your thoughts/opinions? Should I just tell her what I have been doing?
Thanks.

louisecm

First of all, if its early days in your relationship you do not need to confess all. Wait to see if its worth baring your soul before you lay it all out there.

If you feel that things are going well, and you trust her (because lets face it if you don't trust her theres no point in any of it), tell her the truth. Tell her the way you told this board, in the context of how you were feeling, but that you don't feel that way anymore. Tell her you didn't want to hide it from her but that its not something you're particularly proud of. If she is the right girl and she really cares about you she will understand.

Also, I really don't think you should feel TOO guilty and ashamed. Forgive yourself and move on.

ZiabR

louisecm wrote:

Also, I really don't think you should feel TOO guilty and ashamed. Forgive yourself and move on.

I really have to agree with this, you are being very hard on yourself and this is not the way to be feeling. Let things play out before telling her anything. If things are going good then maybe tell her the exact same way you have told us here .

Good luck.

cold_filter

you went to escorts before you got with her, dont worry about it

nodger

ihateme wrote:

For the last 5 years or so ive been suffering from clinical depressin and anxiety. In this time I have become quite isolated

This says a lot. You were going through a very rough patch and you just turned to one of the less orthodox ways of enjoying the company of another person. Don't beat yourself up over it. As has already been said, it's very early to be bearing you soul to this new girl, so keep a lid on it for a while. If she's a rational person, she'll be a lot more understanding when she hears about it in the same context as your depression. If not, then she's probably not the person you want a lasting relationship with anyway.

Jesus Wept

ihateme wrote:

Hi, I need help with something ive been going over and over in my head lately and im not sure whats the right thing to do. Im not even sure where to start really.
For the last 5 years or so ive been suffering from clinical depressin and anxiety. In this time I have become quite isolated and I dont really have any friends as such. I have some aquantances but dont really see them very often and ive been single for a very long time. In fact, ive never really had a proper relationship at all.
About 9 months ago, I was having a look at personal ads on some website. I decided to answer a few. Never really got any responses or anything though untill one day when I got a response from somebody which said "see more here", it turned out to be an "escort" website. The idea of seeing an escort never even entered my mind before but I couldnt help browsing the site. At some point, I had the idea in my head that I was never really going to have a proper relationship with anybody and just felt pretty crappy. I didnt have much going on in my life or have any friends or anything so seeing a girl advertised here seemed like a good idea. So I did. I wish I could say I only seen the one but I have seen quite a large number now. It seemed to give me something to look forward to.
Relatively recently, I have met a girl who I am really starting to like and she seems to feel the same. Nothing has happened yet but it seems that a relationship might develop. The problem is, I feel so guilty about having seen escorts. I feel like im lying to her about the type of person I am as she dosnt know about this. If I told her about this, Im pretty sure that it would be the end of us before we even get a chance to start. But how can I not tell her? If this is the type of person I am then she has to know this. I cant lead her to believe im something im not. I really wish I never seen any escorts and then maybe now I could feel happy about meeting someone.
What are your thoughts/opinions? Should I just tell her what I have been doing?
Thanks.

Don't be hard on yourself

And don't ever tell her, everyone has skeletons, she does too, and its better if you don't share them, or it would mess up what could be an otherwise fulfilling relationship.

am i bovvered

[QUOTE= I feel like im lying to her about the type of person I am
Thanks.[/QUOTE]

Hi , From reading this i would say you seem like a good person , like most people you have made mistakes , the thing to try to do is learn from them and move on , good people can make bad decisions.

LegacyUser

I don't think anyone tells their new partner everything they did sexually with previous partners - so I would keep it to yourself. Also you seem like a genuine and nice person and don't be so hard on yourself.

However to make sure that you start things with a clean slate you might consider getting a full sti screening - then you can start things knowing that you are fine. I am not just suggesting this just because you have been with escorts but I think it's a good idea and also the repsonsible thing to do before being with any new partner.

Good luck with the start of a possible new relationship and I hope it works out

LegacyUser

Hallo.

A closed mouth catches no flies.

And - what about her ?
Is she really going to tell U all things about
her background ???

Maybe her last sexual experience involved
half a dozen guys putting it into every orifice
she has ...

I once had a g/f where we decided to be very
honest with each other. In fact, I was so honest with
her - that when I said 'something' to her, she
told me to f*ck off and get out.

And, that, my friend, was the end of that relationship.

Miss Fluff

Would be a different matter if you were seeing escorts while in a relationship with her. The escorts are now hopefully in your past my friend because you have a fabulous and exciting new relationship to look forward to. There is no need to lay yourself bare to everyone you meet and I think it's no harm to have a few secrets, especially when it comes to past conquests etc. Don't understand the compulsion to share your entire life with a new partner. Life is not the Jerry Springer show, no need to be so vulgar as to air ALL dirty washing in public. See it as a closed chapter sweetheart and good luck with this new girl, what's in the past is in the past

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks for they replys. I realise its a bit early to say anything about it to her now, but im just thinking ahead really. As for not telling her at all, I dont think I can do that. It seems that she actually thinks quite highly of me and I just feel like a total fraud now. Thats the reason I feel I should tell her. I know I dont need to bare my soul to her thats not what its about really. I cant help but feel that she would deserve someone better
Thanks again for the replys

Miss Fluff

ihateme wrote:

It seems that she actually thinks quite highly of me and I just feel like a total fraud now.

But you may not be that person any longer so there is nothing fraudulant about it imo. People do stuff they later regret, it doesn't mean you are that person now. If I were you I'd put it down to when you were at a low ebb and something you no longer want to pursue. It's only an issue if you didn't have protected sex.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

But you may not be that person any longer so there is nothing fraudulant about it imo. People do stuff they later regret, it doesn't mean you are that person now. If I were you I'd put it down to when you were at a low ebb and something you no longer want to pursue. It's only an issue if you didn't have protected sex.

The last escort I seen was not a long time ago though. And to be honest, if I still felt that I would never have a proper relationship with someone, I would probably continue to see escorts, does this mean I am still that person?
There is no way I would see an escort if I was in a relationship with someone or if I felt that I would be in the future. I think I was just feeling very lonely and seeing escorts really just gave me something to look forward to and something I could pretend was real.
Really what I am looking for in life is a proper loving relationship, not just casual sex. Seeing escorts is not something I want to pursue. But the fact that it is something I would pursue if I was out of a relationship and feeling alone is bothering me.
Thanks for all the replys.

Oh, and no I didnt have unprotected sex and will be getting a full test asap.

LegacyUser

'

unrogggggie wrote:

Hallo.

A closed mouth catches no flies.

And - what about her ?
Is she really going to tell U all things about
her background ???

Maybe her last sexual experience involved
half a dozen guys putting it into every orifice
she has ...

I once had a g/f where we decided to be very
honest with each other. In fact, I was so honest with
her - that when I said 'something' to her, she
told me to f*ck off and get out.

And, that, my friend, was the end of that relationship.

Knowing that telling a girl something about my past could cause her to tell me to "f#ck and get out" is pretty scary!'

yermandan

Having seen escorts does NOT make you a bad person.It was just a choice you made in life,it doesent define the person that you are.If anything, you developed your social skills enough to enable yourself to get to a place where you could make this brilliant connection with this person who feels the exact same way.See it as an investment in your own personal development.

The fact that you are depressed will make you view yourself in as bad a light as there is. If you are serious about this girl then it will all come out when it needs to.Trust is built over a long time and the level of honesty also increases with time as you open up to her.You seem like a really nice person who,inspite of your medical condition,has it relativly together.

So be proud of yourself buddy, give yourself loads and loads of credit for the strides you have taken to better yourself and to get yourself out there.If she is as special as you say she is then she will take it like a mature adult and deal with it and understand that it is something that enabled you two to be together!!!

Best of luck

dan;)

LegacyUser

yermandan wrote:

If she is as special as you say she is then she will take it like a mature adult and deal with it and understand that it is something that enabled you two to be together!!!

Best of luck

dan;)

Thanks for the kind words Dan. She certainly is special. Id be so happy to even have her as just a friend. Anyway, thanks everyone, to be honest, I thought I was going to get ripped apart in this thread.

Cateym

yermandan wrote:

Having seen escorts does NOT make you a bad person.It was just a choice you made in life,it doesent define the person that you are.If anything, you developed your social skills enough to enable yourself to get to a place where you could make this brilliant connection with this person who feels the exact same way.See it as an investment in your own personal development.

The fact that you are depressed will make you view yourself in as bad a light as there is. If you are serious about this girl then it will all come out when it needs to.Trust is built over a long time and the level of honesty also increases with time as you open up to her.You seem like a really nice person who,inspite of your medical condition,has it relativly together.

So be proud of yourself buddy, give yourself loads and loads of credit for the strides you have taken to better yourself and to get yourself out there.If she is as special as you say she is then she will take it like a mature adult and deal with it and understand that it is something that enabled you two to be together!!!

Best of luck

dan;)

My boyf and I were together about 3 months when he told me he had slept with a prostitute when he visited Amsterdam a few years back. Initially I was disgusted with him and couldn't imagine being with someone who would do that but then a good friend said what happened in his life before he met me was essentially none of my business and I should get over it. I put it to the back of my head and we are still together 3yrs later.

Basically what I'm trying to say is there is no point saying anything at the moment if ever. If you really do feel the need to tell do so carefully.

Beruthiel

Listen OP
What you did was in the past and for yourself they were valid reasons at the time.
This is the now, you have a great g/f, she likes you for who you are now. When it comes to something like this, it's your own business alone, I would have thought what you did before you meet someone new is not up for debate and they don't have the right to comment on it (does not apply if you've murdered someone )

You don't need to feel like a fraud, she likes what she sees, that's enough.
I presume you are not having sex with her until you are sure you are STI free?

Miss Fluff

ihateme wrote:

Thanks for the kind words Dan. She certainly is special. Id be so happy to even have her as just a friend. Anyway, thanks everyone, to be honest, I thought I was going to get ripped apart in this thread.

I actually think you're being very hard on yourself.

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

Listen OP
What you did was in the past and for yourself they were valid reasons at the time.
This is the now, you have a great g/f, she likes you for who you are now. When it comes to something like this, it's your own business alone, I would have thought what you did before you meet someone new is not up for debate and they don't have the right to comment on it (does not apply if you've murdered someone )

You don't need to feel like a fraud, she likes what she sees, that's enough.
I presume you are not having sex with her until you are sure you are STI free?

No, until im 100% certain im STI free, nothing will be happening'

Marksie

ihateme wrote:

The last escort I seen was not a long time ago though. And to be honest, if I still felt that I would never have a proper relationship with someone, I would probably continue to see escorts, does this mean I am still that person?
I think I was just feeling very lonely and seeing escorts really just gave me something to look forward to and something I could pretend was real.
Really what I am looking for in life is a proper loving relationship, not just casual sex. Seeing escorts is not something I want to pursue. But the fact that it is something I would pursue if I was out of a relationship and feeling alone is bothering me.
Thanks for all the replys.

Oh, and no I didnt have unprotected sex and will be getting a full test asap.

It is something you pursued because you thought That that was all that life had to offer you, now you know different.
You were lonely and sought comfort.
As you said it was something for you to look forward to.

Now you do know different, it is best to accept it as something in your past, a mind state you were in and move on.
You are now beginning on something that if infinitely better than the brief transitory comfort you were used to.

I don't know if this gives some different perspective, but i had a friuend who was on the other side of the fence. She said that with the majority, the sex was almost secondary to the fact they could get close to someone and talk to them. Even just to cuddle.

So don't look back, look forward. Move into this openly and with acceptance of who you were and who you are now. You are discovering the joys of a loving relationship as regards to a brief emotionless encounter. That is now something you should always hold in your mind, so that it is something you will always pursue as this is really who you are .

Edit: and why should you be ripped apart, you posted and honest, open PI. Fully deserving of the kind of thoughtful advice you have recieved. If others say different, in the end it reflects on their attitudes not you.

ballsofire23

ihateme wrote:

Hi, I need help with something ive been going over and over in my head lately and im not sure whats the right thing to do. Im not even sure where to start really.
For the last 5 years or so ive been suffering from clinical depressin and anxiety. In this time I have become quite isolated and I dont really have any friends as such. I have some aquantances but dont really see them very often and ive been single for a very long time. In fact, ive never really had a proper relationship at all.
About 9 months ago, I was having a look at personal ads on some website. I decided to answer a few. Never really got any responses or anything though untill one day when I got a response from somebody which said "see more here", it turned out to be an "escort" website. The idea of seeing an escort never even entered my mind before but I couldnt help browsing the site. At some point, I had the idea in my head that I was never really going to have a proper relationship with anybody and just felt pretty crappy. I didnt have much going on in my life or have any friends or anything so seeing a girl advertised here seemed like a good idea. So I did. I wish I could say I only seen the one but I have seen quite a large number now. It seemed to give me something to look forward to.
Relatively recently, I have met a girl who I am really starting to like and she seems to feel the same. Nothing has happened yet but it seems that a relationship might develop. The problem is, I feel so guilty about having seen escorts. I feel like im lying to her about the type of person I am as she dosnt know about this. If I told her about this, Im pretty sure that it would be the end of us before we even get a chance to start. But how can I not tell her? If this is the type of person I am then she has to know this. I cant lead her to believe im something im not. I really wish I never seen any escorts and then maybe now I could feel happy about meeting someone.
What are your thoughts/opinions? Should I just tell her what I have been doing?
Thanks.

The total downer all of sudden sounds to me like a crash from some sort of high like love/ or another stimulating activities gone abrupt.

I'll give you some personal tips, what I do when I feel like that, is I eat a banana and a stimulant eg a drink of coffee etc and that makes me feel a nice release of dopamine. Just a thought give it a try.