What to do now?

the bride

Hi guys, I have a bit of a dilema with my ex boyfriend and I hope you can offer me some advise as I feel like I'm loosing my mind,it's a bit of a long story so Il try not to bore you for too long. We broke up a year ago, we had been togeher for 2and a half years and were very much in love, since then we have stayed the best of friends,always going out togehther, movies, weekends way etc, we work togehter and he's best friends with my brother so we said we'd be friends, anyway, many times we would end up togther and had often talked about getting back togeher but we didn't, mainly to do with him. The last time we talked about it was in Dec and he said us getting back 2gether was huge,but he'd think about it. Anyway when I asked him about it the other day he said he didn't think it was a good idea, that he had so much problems to deal with right now, so I asked him why he kept leading me on and I told him I hated him for the way he treated me,I was very angry at the time. I also told him I didn't want us to be friends anymore. The thing is I don't thnk I meant it, I'm still soo in love with him and I'm deperaltey unhappy that I don't know what to do now, I miss his firendship very much, he is my best firend and now I can't sleep at night, because he's always on my mind. I feel soo lost!..Can anyone offer soem genuine advise, please?..Sorry it's so long.

Beruthiel

Lets be clinical about it.

He's not getting back with you, or at the very least, he's messing you around.
You are allowing him to mess you around, so are as much to blame as he.
you are still madly in love with him.
He does not feel the same way.
You want to stay friends.

If you ever want to move on with your life and get over him, then cutting him out of your life is the only way to go. Anything else you try to do will only prolong the misery you are in right now.
You get to live once, then you'll die. How long will you spend of that time on someone who hasn't a clue and wouldn't appear to be that interested?

dr.bollocko

When you confronted him and told him that you hated him for how he was treating you, that was your inner-strength. You were refusing to play any more games, go on with any more charades, and basically accepting that you weren't willing to jump through hoops for some guy and would rather be on your own and not have your head wrecked.
Right now you are going through the pain of loss, where you suddenly realise that through your actions you have taken a great and enduring love out of your life. You cannot understand why you did this, feel really bad and just want to apologise and sort it out just in case there is a chance that the relationship might somehow, at some stage continue.
So basically its quite similar to an addiction problem. You had the moment of clarity and realised what you needed to do to move on with your life. You are now crawling the walls a few days into treatment desperate for a fix.
Fair play to you for saying what you did and I hope you can start sleeping soon.

jdivision

I think in this case you're better off not seeing him anymore. It's just hurting you. He's made his opinion clear and you're going to spend years pining over somebody if you continue to see him. Given the closeness he has with your brother, I'd still be cordial and so on but I wouldn't hang around with him anymore. If you do unfortunately you'll just be making yourself miserable

Elphaba

If you continued to be friends and do everything together then it sounds like you didnt have any time (or real reason) to get over him. Friendships after relationships are hard to pull off in any situation but in my experience you really need to cut the ties and deal with that before you try to be just friends.
Obviously you're upset if you want to be back with him and he doesnt. If you're as close as you sound then he'll know you didn't mean what you said but In my opinion you need time apart to come to terms with it all. Seeing him all the time is a short term fix so it doesnt hurt. I've been there. In the long run it's worse. It's tough but you have to seperate your life from his for now. I dont mean dont speak to him at all or anything. Just get used to doing stuff with other friends or on your own - plans that dont include him basically.
Hope that helped.

Red Hand

Why did ye break up in the first place?

You both need to sort out what you are to each other for definate. You say that ye were the best of friends for the bones of a year, so I guess that neither of ye have moved on from each other fully or actually broken up per se if ye're spending so much time together.

If he says that he doesn't want to "get back together" then maybe accept it, and put some distance between you both until ye meet someone else.

loismustdie

you cant be friends with someone who you are in love with and you cant make him love you so you may make a whole new life for yourself, don't worry you'll probably soon find that you dont really love him anyway

Femelade

why dont you just send him what you just wrote there. it seems to say what you want to say..

Zambia

Old saying

I will get over you when you get out from under me...

Move on

the bride

Hi Guys, thanks for all your replies and your all right, I guess what I'm finding so hard to deal with is the fact that I always thought we would get back together because that's what he led me to believe, he had told one of my friends many times that he was still in love with me and wanted to get back, but was scared!..So now I'm just confused!.. I guess your right, I just have to distance myself from him, but it's a bit hard when we work together and I'm afraid that when I see him ,I might say something I regret.

Zebra3

the bride wrote:

but it's a bit hard when we work together

Well, pack your job in and get a new one.

Stay away from him and have no contact with him.

Talliesin

the bride wrote:

Hi Guys, thanks for all your replies and your all right, I guess what I'm finding so hard to deal with is the fact that I always thought we would get back together because that's what he led me to believe, he had told one of my friends many times that he was still in love with me and wanted to get back, but was scared!

You can't bank on something like that.

You clearly weren't - and clearly aren't - clear in your mind about how things were going to go. Why expect him to be?

He owes you his best attempt at whatever he has committed to, and you owe him the same, and what you had committed to was friendship.

You both chose to stay in a limbo situation were becoming an item again was on the cards, but not definite. That's not "leading on", that's two people making a choice as to how their relationship is defined, and if one of them isn't happy with how that works, then they've got nobody to blame but themselves. And if one of them went into that not really meaning "we'll see" but with a set outcome in mind, then they're the one that's been messing with the other.

You can be friends with someone you're in love with, but you have to accept that how you want things to go (or at least partly want things to go) probably won't happen. Otherwise you're leading yourself on.

LegacyUser

'U need to move on, luv.
This guy is just messin with your head.'

LegacyUser

the bride wrote:

Hi guys, I have a bit of a dilema with my ex boyfriend and I hope you can offer me some advise as I feel like I'm loosing my mind,it's a bit of a long story so Il try not to bore you for too long. We broke up a year ago, we had been togeher for 2and a half years and were very much in love, since then we have stayed the best of friends,always going out togehther, movies, weekends way etc, we work togehter and he's best friends with my brother so we said we'd be friends, anyway, many times we would end up togther and had often talked about getting back togeher but we didn't, mainly to do with him. The last time we talked about it was in Dec and he said us getting back 2gether was huge,but he'd think about it. Anyway when I asked him about it the other day he said he didn't think it was a good idea, that he had so much problems to deal with right now, so I asked him why he kept leading me on and I told him I hated him for the way he treated me,I was very angry at the time. I also told him I didn't want us to be friends anymore. The thing is I don't thnk I meant it, I'm still soo in love with him and I'm deperaltey unhappy that I don't know what to do now, I miss his firendship very much, he is my best firend and now I can't sleep at night, because he's always on my mind. I feel soo lost!..Can anyone offer soem genuine advise, please?..Sorry it's so long.

Look, it's ok to be upset. It's time to call it a day K. Ur probably calling yourself foolish for saying please lets get back together; but that shows you're love and committment and it's mean to cut you off before you finish talking. So you deal yourself a holiday, and a hot waiter and you forget himself, he cut you off the phone and out of you life. He's the looser, you live from today for living not for worrying about someone like that. He'll end up like you are now in time, sleepless night nobody will marry him. He is like 5 men I know. I'm sure you're gorgeous, but he's good yes but not good long term. You find you a stunner, and he phased into a mood that's why he's gone off you. He sounds absolutely 122 thousand percent moody to me. If you both marry, you'll say in a few years or even months "i wish I never met you". Call a travel agency or someone, but get out of there for a maximum of 2 weeks and let your hair down and think if you lived with that moody man all your life look at all the spice of life u miss out on. Enjoy, best of luck.

the bride

thanks for the advsie lads!..And your right 'time to getup" he is very moody at the best of times and I don feel foolish for saying lets get back togehter but Im one of those people that if you can make it work you should, becuse you never know what could happen to you tomorrow.