Don't know how to cope

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago today. We were together four years, and were living together for almost two.

Straight from the start, we were very very close, we saw each other every day, and were almost in constant contact with each other.

He never liked pubs or going out, so I ended up drifting apart from all my friends because I preferred to be with him than go out. He was my best friend.

We'd been having problems from when we moved in together, initially we shared with a friend of mine, who constantly put me under pressure because he wouldn't do his share around the house, and I basically passed on her concerns.
This led to a good few arguments, but we moved into an apartment together three months ago, and it all went from bad to worse. He started going out with work, but still was reluctant to go out with me, because I put pressure on him and he didn't like pubs, so I got jealous of this, there was some other stuff too, and we ended up arguing a lot.

The problem was, when it was good it was very very good, and when it was bad it was practically armageddon.

Things just escalated until we broke up last Friday and I moved out, and now I am completely devastated. I can't eat, I've lost about half a stone this week. I can't sleep, and I'm crying constantly. I have a pain in my chest that just won't go away. Things just keep getting harder and harder, everything reminds me of him.
I still have stuff in the apartment, and I went over tonight to get some more stuff, and as well as that just to see him and talk to him, but I ended up making things worse for both of us because I just can't keep my mouth shut.

We talked about the relationship and we both agreed that we rushed it, seeing each other every day from the start and moving in together too quickly, and I made a suggestion that I had thought of the other day that we try again ( of course) but this time not live together, just start again from the start, try seeing each other twice a week or so, at the weekends, learning to appreciate each other again and take it slowly.

His answer was a blank no, he just feels we have too much baggage, and wouldn't be able to forget what passed before. I feel that I would, considering all our problems were mostly in my head because I let my world revolve around him, never went anywhere without him, and every little thing became a big deal. I just want to forget everything that happened completely, and try again with him, slowly.

Now, I have to face that its over, completely over, and there isn't anything I can do to work things out, or start over doing things properly like any normal couple, which we weren't.

I'm back to square one again, crying, pain in my chest that won't go away, shaking, I've done a week of this already but I'm just so alone, I don't have anyone to turn to or talk to, because for nearly four years he was all I had.

How do I move on, and try and get over this?

Rb

Have a read of this thread.

It won't just disappear over night, but try to eat and maintain your own health and just remember that time heals. Try to start going out with your friends again, not necessarily to meet other guys but to get your mind off it and have fun and just try to keep yourself busy.

loismustdie

the only reason you are feeling so down is because you have noone or nothing else, i was something similar with and ex and at the time i knew it wasn't losing him that upset me, it was losing my life. can't you get back in contact with old friends, or make new ones at work? start going out to pubs, clubs, gym etc with anyone possible, even if it's a cousin you don't even like but you'll find other froends that way and i promise you as soon as you ahve something to do your life will be better than when you were with him because to me honest it sounds like you didn't have much of a life at all, just a relationship.

Black Swan

broken232007 wrote:

How do I move on, and try and get over this?

It's like an injury that takes time to heal. I know, I have gone through a major breakup. There are no easy answers. I decided to take the opportunity to make some major changes. Went through an agent and took a job overseas. Made new friends at my new work, and others after that.

Firetrap

It's horrible what you're going through but you'll start feeling better when you start doing something positive. For starters, get back in touch with your old friends and don't drop them if you meet someone new. Maybe take up something in the evenings. The old adage of time being a great healer is true - I know you're in a dark place now but you've got to understand that things ARE going to get better.

Saskia

Hi OP its something we all have went through before or will go through at some stage. I wont lie to ya, unless you get back with him or meet the man of your dreams (not likely as you will push him away in your current mental state) then you are looking at at least a few months of been in bits. At least. You will find that girly weeks away and getting out as much as possible with them will help however. Your friends are your rock right now.

g-punkteffekt

you should never have ditched your friends for your man, too many men and women do this. Everyone should still have a life outside of their relationship, it shouldn't be the be all and end all of your life, that's my opinion anyway. Why you would want to spend every waking moment with your other half is beyond me, I think everyone should have their own time and their own nights out regularly etc.

Saskia

Hi OP I hope you're feeling a bit better. Keep us updated

Saskia

Hope the OP is ok, she hasnt posted since. We've all been there and it takes a long time to bounce back.

Miss Judy

It happened to me 8 years ago, and I did the same as you. We moved into together after 6 weeks, madly in love and we rarely argued, went everywhere together and I did the same thing as you, lost contact with all my close friends, even my best friend and rarely saw my family. We went everywhere together, did everything as a couple. Then 18 months later it all started to fall apart, you see at the time he was the only lad amongst all his friends in a relationship and they caused alot of trouble between us, to the extent that one of his mates encouraged him to sleep with someone behind my back in the full knowledge I would walk in on it!:eek: .
I loved him to bits, and my heart broke the day I moved out of there and left him. I used to hate having to go back to pick up the rest of my stuff or any post. My heart used to nearly burst out of my chest when I had to see him and he used to do things like pinch my arse saying he missed it etc and wanted to try again. I moved back home and tried for a while but it never worked, never trusted him again and I did not like what I had turned into coz of it so we ended it for good. It killed me as I still loved him, and I never thought I would get over it but I did!.
I threw myself into my job, made new friends in work and had a mad social life, had a new bloke every week and had the laugh, got back with my real old friends and loved being out with them, going away for weekends. I got "ME" back, he still came into my mind alot but I stopped crying. Then in 2001 I met my husband, have 2 wonderful children and we are very happy and I believe it was meant to be. As the saying goes "what's for you won't pass you".
Chin up and get out there and live your life, you are better off in the long term and you need to find you by the sounds of things, it took enough out of your life. Please move on and think of you and don't waste time on this any longer and you will be much happier okay!

Kell

rb_ie wrote:

Have a read of this thread.

Hmmn. Get her to trawel through someone elses drivel and useless advice from people who cant actually assist the OP in anyway. Hmmn.

What the OP "Should" do is examine-

broken232007 wrote:

We'd been having problems from when we moved in together

He started going out with work, but still was reluctant to go out with me

I let my world revolve around him, never went anywhere without him

and ask herself what the fúck she was doing. Realistically she only has herself to blame and when she figures this out, she will get over things much easier. As soon as it became apparant that armageddon ensued after arguments, it was time to take a hike. Not four years later. Thats just plain dumb.

Its all very well to point a finger at someone else and say they are responsible for your problems and have left you in the shít. Its far more difficult to take the truer approach and point a finger at yourself.

K-

F1fan

Kell wrote:

Hmmn. Get her to trawel through someone elses drivel and useless advice from people who cant actually assist the OP in anyway. Hmmn.

What the OP "Should" do is examine-



and ask herself what the fúck she was doing. Realistically she only has herself to blame and when she figures this out, she will get over things much easier. As soon as it became apparant that armageddon ensued after arguments, it was time to take a hike. Not four years later. Thats just plain dumb.

Its all very well to point a finger at someone else and say they are responsible for your problems and have left you in the shít. Its far more difficult to take the truer approach and point a finger at yourself.

K-

Well that's very compassionate and caring isn't it? Don't know why some people on here have to be so harsh when someone who is obviously distressed is looking for help.

Very easy to know the rights and wrongs when we aren't the ones caught up in it all. In hindsight,we'd probably all do the 'right' thing if we could make some of our decisions again,instead of the one we thought could have a happy ending.

It will get better OP,but right now you are going through the most horrible time. Ina week or two you'll realise you've been away from him that long and the world hasn't ended,maybe you've even managed a giggle or two at your fav programme,and once you know you CAN survive,it'll make enjoying your newer and better life easy

Good luck x

Kell

F1fan wrote:

Well that's very compassionate and caring isn't it?

Cups of tea and kleenex dont help you get over anything quicker. In fact, they delay the process, hence me being a bit blunt.

You spoke about hindsight and doing the right things had you the chance to do them again. What about foresight and recognising shít before it happens? What about pointing a finger at yourself after the fact and popping a giggle for letting yourself get duped?? As soon as you can pop a giggle at yourself your 90% there to being over stuff. I find it helps to start the process early.

K-

neuro-praxis

Kell wrote:

Cups of tea and kleenex dont help you get over anything quicker. In fact, they delay the process, hence me being a bit blunt.

What nonsense. Tea and sympathy is the natural beginning of the grieving process. It can't go on forever, true, but if you don't allow yourself to feel grief at what for the OP has been a very deep and significant loss then you are setting yourself up for some serious mental health problems in the future.

Kell, you may think you give wonderfully astute advice but it is possible to be both astute and compassionate!

OP, there is nothing that can be said to console you. You are broken hearted. All that you can do is make positive decisions in spite of feeling like a crumpled rag. Decide to eat right. Force yourself out for a walk with your mp3 player. Get back in contact with friends and family, one person at a time, and try to rebuild what was lost, apologising to them if necessary.

There are some things that unfailingly cheer me up...going to my favourite restaurant, watching the Gilmore Girls, reading a good novel, going to the cinema. Remind yourself what your favourite activities are, and take yourself off to do them, even if you are alone. It won't fix you, but it will give you some pleasure while you're trying to get healed up.

Good luck. You will be fine.

Linoge

g-punkteffekt wrote:

you should never have ditched your friends for your man, too many men and women do this. Everyone should still have a life outside of their relationship, it shouldn't be the be all and end all of your life, that's my opinion anyway. Why you would want to spend every waking moment with your other half is beyond me, I think everyone should have their own time and their own nights out regularly etc.

It would be great to have such foresight at the start of a relationship. How many relationships have you been in G-punk? You are right, but I'm not so sure that you are speaking from your own personal experience. TBH you sound like a dumped friend, more angry at the OP (and people like her) than sympathetic or helpful...

Kell wrote:

Cups of tea and kleenex dont help you get over anything quicker. In fact, they delay the process, hence me being a bit blunt.

You spoke about hindsight and doing the right things had you the chance to do them again. What about foresight and recognising shít before it happens? What about pointing a finger at yourself after the fact and popping a giggle for letting yourself get duped?? As soon as you can pop a giggle at yourself your 90% there to being over stuff. I find it helps to start the process early.

K-

Exactly, what about foresight? This is AFTER the event. Foresight is of no use at this time. I don't think allocation of blame helps anyone either, beit yourself or the other person, understanding what caused problems is (and the OP has written about this).

The whole popping a giggle at yourself is oversimplifying what the OP is going through. She didn't get duped (and what a word to even relate to the situation to, really)

Kell

Linoge wrote:

The whole popping a giggle at yourself is oversimplifying what the OP is going through. She didn't get duped (and what a word to even relate to the situation to, really)

Um, she duped herself. To look at her description of her relationship spells out in mile hi letters that it was NOT a good relationship. Anyone with half a head on their shoulders would have walked away before it ever got this sour.

The whole pop a giggle at yourself is perfectly apt. I hope the majority of people on boards never encounter the crap that I have in the course of my life. With practise, popping a giggle at myself and saying "you know what, you fúcked up" turns the crappest of situations into something that can be dealt with, logically, very quickly.

Believe me dearie, it would suit me wonderfully to wander around pointing fingers at people for the crap I have been through, but you know what, I chose that crap.

The OP CHOSE her crap too, as do all people who wander around in SHíT relationships because they dont have the spine to get out.

<Edited>

K-

louisecm

Kell wrote:

Um, she duped herself. To look at her description of her relationship spells out in mile hi letters that it was NOT a good relationship. Anyone with half a head on their shoulders would have walked away before it ever got this sour.

The whole pop a giggle at yourself is perfectly apt. I hope the majority of people on boards never encounter the crap that I have in the course of my life. With practise, popping a giggle at myself and saying "you know what, you fúcked up" turns the crappest of situations into something that can be dealt with, logically, very quickly.

Believe me dearie, it would suit me wonderfully to wander around pointing fingers at people for the crap I have been through, but you know what, I chose that crap.

The OP CHOSE her crap too, as do all people who wander around in SHíT relationships because they dont have the spine to get out.

Oh. Sorry- is that too simple for you to grasp or would you like me to simplify it for you further?

K-

Now you're actually just being rude Kell. Whatever about your opinions, thats unnecessary.

Beruthiel

Back on topic please.
This thread is not about Kell, he may not sugar coat his opinions, but they are all spot on and brought about by his own experience.
B

Kell

louisecm wrote:

Now you're actually just being rude Kell. Whatever about your opinions, thats unnecessary.

A very rare retraction for my final comment. Post edited.

K-

louisecm

Kell wrote:

A very rare retraction for my final comment. Post edited.

K-

Fair play.

Kell

louisecm wrote:

Fair play.

Must be the effects of my hang over. Can we get a room now?

K-

louisecm

I reckon your effed up life plus my effed up life equals paradise - lets go! (Sorry OP you can have your thread back now...)

Kell

louisecm wrote:

I reckon your effed up life plus my effed up life equals paradise - lets go!

Schnookums <Swoon>

K-

LegacyUser

'Look Kell, I'm sorry, but I couldn't walk away from a three year relationship and someone I was living with because things went to **** for a few months, I thought it was just a bad patch. I thought it could be fixed, if that makes me stupid, well then I suppose I am. But what was I supposed to do? How many times could he go out with people from work and not with me before I should have packed my bags and left? Once? Twice?

I don't know how its my fault - the jealousy was, some of it, but unfortunately people are not made of stone and sometimes people do things that will make their partner jealous.But don't think I don't blame myself as well, because I do, every day when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep I blame myself for what I lost. And he blames me too.

All relationships have problems, I don't expect a rose-garden all the time, but you are saying to me that as soon as things go sour, I pack my bags and hit the road. I can't do that. I believe if relationships need work, and if you love the other person, you'll work at it.

I've tried getting back in contact with my friends, making new ones, going out, but it only eases it for a few hours then I come home to the pain of not having him in my life any more.
If anything, its getting harder and harder to function as the time passes, its not getting any easier.'

Jules

OP,

It wasn't your fault things went wrong, people change, suitations change. Fair play to you for trying to get up and go out and meet new people. Your new friends are there for you, and im sure they would be only willing to be a shoulder.

Kell

broken232007 wrote:

I thought it was just a bad patch.

I believe if relationships need work, and if you love the other person, you'll work at it.

Points taken, but my very blunt standpoint is that if you're gut tells you something is wrong i.e. this is a bad relationship then it is stupid to ignore your gut. Eveyone knows one way or the other that things are either going to recover or shrivel up and die. I suggest that you knew things were going to shrivel up and die, but didnt walk away at the time. I dont suppose for a minute that these things are easy to do, they never are.

Staying in a poor relationship when it has run it course leaves a fair bit of damage and makes you weaker for it next time around. I am curious as to why on earth youw would stay in a relationship for any more than a few months if someone who is supposed to love you socialises with everyone but you. That to me just does not make sense and you have great tolerance for being treated like shíte which should prompt you to ask other questions of yourself like "how really was my self esteem if I accepted being treated poor;ly on a frequent basis?"

Chin up, and definitely no offense meant to you. I am just a tad blunt.

K-

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

I am curious as to why on earth youw would stay in a relationship for any more than a few months if someone who is supposed to love you socialises with everyone but you.
K-

Maybe I didn't phrase it well enough before, but I'll try again.

It was only in the last 6 months that he started going out without me, when he started a new job. Before that, he would go out for the odd one now and again, and sometimes invite me along.
When he started a new job, he wanted to be out with them as much as possible, but still gave me the 'I hate pubs' speeches. Again, this was only in the last six months, before that there was not a problem, you seem to be implying that I let this happen to me for four years. It was the last six months.

So that is why I stayed in it for more than a few months - because for three years this was not an issue, and I would never have predicted it would be.

I appreciate what you are trying to say, and yes, if this had been happening from the start I would have been an idiot to stay more than a few months, but as we had already been together over three years, that's why I lasted another six when the problems really started. Not saying it was all roses up to then, we had our ups and downs, but the real issues started there.