Boyfriend - lazy or doesnt care?

LegacyUser

I need a bit of advice.

I moved in with my partner of 1 ½ years there 2 months ago. At the moment, already, I feel completely drained of the situation we are in.

I have been sick for the past few days, so I was a little temperamental. I was in pain etc.

Anyways, as I was saying, there are a few issues. I don’t know if he is being babyish or just so relaxed his head might fall off. He has lived on his own and with other people before this.

So, I’ve been annoyed for at least a week now, Ive tried to bring it up, but he is either too busy or something comes up. So, feeling sick, tired and exhausted it all came out last night.

He rarely helps around the house. I wont say he never helps – when I say this, I mean that once in a while he might load the dishwasher…….

I find myself constantly picking up after him. Constantly. I told him this last night and he got really thick with me. I gave him examples, he was still thick with me. I work full time and I also do an evening course twice a week which doesn’t allow me to get home until 10.45.

Anyways, there were other issues so I went onto the next one. Bills.

It is a bit confusing at the moment, as I don’t know what needs to be paid, when it needs to be paid etc…. I asked before when I first moved in and was told that it would all work out, but 2 months later I see bills coming in the door and neither of us are looking after them!

I confronted him on this. I said that I was worried as I had no idea who was supposed to be looking after what bill. In the end, we decided that we would put all bills (gas, electricity and satellite) in both our names. Then one of us would pay the bill and give the other person the money. But I am worried about this too. He is so relaxed. If I paid a bill of about 180 or something and looked for half of it, would he give me the money??? He already owes me money (issue no. 3 I suppose). I confronted him on this also. I said that I wanted my money back. That it was nearly a year since I lent it to him and that it had become ridiculous. He said he’d have me paid back over the next 4 weeks.

Is he just down right stupid, or does he not care? I guess I am asking myself these questions. What would be the best way to do the bills? In joint name?

Other than the issues above, everything is fine. I rarely bring the issues above up as I don’t want to spoil it. But that’s how I feel.

BoozyBabe

If you feel strongly about things, you need to discuss them, otherwise they build up into something even bigger.

If, after discussing things, he still won't change, you need to reassess your relationship & feelings for him.

Your post is an excellent example of why it's a good idea to live with someone before marriage.
You may find this easy to work through, others don't, but sometimes there's a ring on their finger before they realise this.

How about setting up a joint bank account & have som much of each of your wages going into this each week for bills etc, & at the end of the month the bills are taken directly from this account.
Save you worrying if he's gonna pay.

seamus

poiu98 wrote:

He rarely helps around the house. I wont say he never helps – when I say this, I mean that once in a while he might load the dishwasher…….

I find myself constantly picking up after him. Constantly. I told him this last night and he got really thick with me. I gave him examples, he was still thick with me. I work full time and I also do an evening course twice a week which doesn’t allow me to get home until 10.45.

This is thing which I'd say most couples have to sort out when they first start living together.

In general, men's definition of tidy, and women's definition of tidy are two very different things. Don't pick up after him. By picking up after him, you're letting him away with it, and even if you nag at him, he's going to continue doing it.
Instead of picking up his stuff for him, ask him to do it (nicely - don't nag, he just won't bother). Although it sounds moronic, give him kudos when he does something without being asked. Us men can be a bit childish at times, so if you give him praise and thank him for picking up the hoover when not asked (even though you should be taking it for granted), he will continue to do it because it makes you happy.

As said in another thread - write up a rota. Work it around your schedules so that he's on the rota when you're out at your evening course. As above, thank him when you come in for doing it (even if he was on the rota!), and he'll continue to do it so that he can see your happy face when you come in after college*.

It is a bit confusing at the moment, as I don’t know what needs to be paid, when it needs to be paid etc…. I asked before when I first moved in and was told that it would all work out, but 2 months later I see bills coming in the door and neither of us are looking after them!

I confronted him on this. I said that I was worried as I had no idea who was supposed to be looking after what bill. In the end, we decided that we would put all bills (gas, electricity and satellite) in both our names. Then one of us would pay the bill and give the other person the money. But I am worried about this too. He is so relaxed. If I paid a bill of about 180 or something and looked for half of it, would he give me the money??? He already owes me money (issue no. 3 I suppose). I confronted him on this also. I said that I wanted my money back. That it was nearly a year since I lent it to him and that it had become ridiculous. He said he’d have me paid back over the next 4 weeks.

Well, not trusting him to pay you back is something quite serious. Do you feel like he's freeloading off of you, or are you consistently bailing him out? I've always felt in my relationship that except for huge costs (> €300), it was a me-to-her gift and I couldn't care less if I received that money back or not. If I earn/have more money, then I have no reason not to share it with her unconditionally. But that may not be for everyone.

Would a join account solve this? You both agree to pay X amount (or X% of your salaries) into the account each month. This pays off bills and is used for any other household issues which may come up. Every few months you may have a small nest egg to put into a savings account or use to treat yourselves to a night out.

In terms of managing the bills getting paid, it's probably just a matter of organising yourselves. I've been living with my brother for the last six years, and bills have always worked one way. If a bill was yet to be paid, it sat on the windowsill in the kitchen. Whoever pays it, sticks the bill in a drawer and gets the money from the other person. Often cohabiting couples agree that one person looks after the finances, and sorts out all the bills, etc. This would be especially effective with a joint account. And with our modern era of online bill paying and online banking, this should be a trivial exercise for whichever partner takes it on.

* You don't have to do this forever. It's just like training a dog. Do it for a while, and he'll begin to want to do it for you.

Beruthiel

seamus wrote:

Would a join account solve this? You both agree to pay X amount (or X% of your salaries) into the account each month. This pays off bills and is used for any other household issues which may come up. Every few months you may have a small nest egg to put into a savings account or use to treat yourselves to a night out.

This is the best way for you both to manage your finances.
We have a joint, each month a direct debit of X goes from each of our personal accounts into the joint a/c. The mortage, lecky, gas, phone, refuse etc is paid from this account. Works a treat.

r3nu4l

Great advice from Seamus, especially about us men needing our praise sometimes

Anyway, I sympathise.

I'm going to address the finance side first. Having bills in both names is a great idea but I don't think a joint account is a good idea at all. If he is not that good with money in the first place you don't want to go to an ATM one day and find that you only have €20 left when you thought there should be €400 in the account.

Do you have the internet at home and access to online banking? If so, when a bill comes in, open it, sit down at your computer and pay it through your account. Then have your bf login and re-pay yo immediately.

If not then you should pay the bill and the next time you are our with your bf, as you pass by an ATM, ask him to take the money out and give it to you there and then. If he makes excuses then next time you are popping into town ask him for his card and pin number and tell him that you will take it out. He needs to realise that it's in his own interests to be proactive about it.

Housework. As Seamus says, we are all a little different in our perceptions of tidiness. Rotas are a great idea for general hosuework. For the guy who just drops things at his feet and walks away, it's a bit different (This is something I am slowly conquering myself ). Just remind him that you like to see a tidy house and that it makes you feel more cluttered. Let him know that you constantly try to keep the place presentable and that it gets you down when it's not that way. If he really appreciates you he'll make some sort of effort.

Don't let it build up until you are ready to kill him, talk about it and just remind him every now and then. Remind him why you are asking him and do give him praise and thanks everytime he does something good. We're a bit like big kids and dogs really, if we get a nice reward for good behaviour we're more likely to remember it and continue that behaviour

Black Swan

Who does what and when in terms of domestic chores needs to be worked out and agreed upon. Now, if you are uncertain that he will pay his part of the bills, or the amount he currently owes you, then this is more serious, cause it involves trust in your relationship. No trust, no relationship.

Beruthiel

r3nu4l wrote:

I don't think a joint account is a good idea at all. If he is not that good with money in the first place you don't want to go to an ATM one day and find that you only have €20 left when you thought there should be €400 in the account.

A joint account can be set up in such a way that it requires both sigs in order to withdraw money.... above problem solved.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies.

We opened a credit union account together. Its in a joint name. I made it so that I am the only one who can withdraw money.However, this particular branch doesnt support electronic transactions (pain in the butt).

He has his own credit union account - in a different branch. If he needs money, he needs to go there and get it out.

There is one thing that bothers me. He is a bit sketchy about his ATM card. He says he has an account with AIB, but I know he was in a bit of debt with them a while ago, so am unsure if he still uses them or is allowed to use them. Again, I ask and he gets all moody so I drop it.

I have no doubt that I will be paid back .......or for bills but put it like this....he had a bill of €160 for the last year and a half.........one day he just remembered he had to pay it and off he went and paid it!!! That seems to be the way it works for him. The thing is I am on very basic wages so cant afford to wait for him to "remember" to pay me or whatever. I like being organised and paying my bills and keeping copies off bills etc etc......he kind of does it ad-hock or something. He eventually does it kinda guy, when he feels like it.....not when it needs to be done.'

Zambia

Beruthiel wrote:

A joint account can be set up in such a way that it requires both sigs in order to withdraw money.... above problem solved.

If your at this level of trust you may as well leave him.

A joint account is the best way off of doing this

1: Find out an average monthly outgoing include food shooping.
2: Set up a joint account
3: Divide the figure per month by half , each of you add that per month by standing order.
4: Agree to review that account at the end of two months to see if you are paying enough or too much.

Chores
1: Give him a few things that are his alone , like dishes , hoovering , bins etc. Rotas are never stuck to and a pain. You do your zones and he does his.

This might work

Personnally he sounds like a fecjkless lazy eejit.

seamus

Zambia232 wrote:

Chores
1: Give him a few things that are his alone , like dishes , hoovering , bins etc. Rotas are never stuck to and a pain. You do your zones and he does his.

This too may also work. My better half and myself have agreed that when we move in together that there will certain jobs which are the man's jobs, and other jobs which are the woman's job. For example, taking out the rubbish and cutting the grass are the man's job. Cleaning the bathrooms is the woman's job - purely because I would never clean it quite as spotless as she requires it. Other jobs, such as hoovering and cleaning the kitchen are mutual jobs. We will clean and iron our own clothes.

jaarius

BoozyBabe wrote:

If, after discussing things, he still won't change, you need to reassess your relationship & feelings for him.

Well done BoozyBabe that was some sloppy advice. In any relationship you have to compromise. That does not mean meeting half way all the time. Indeed, sometimes it involves massive change or acceptance that things won't change.

@poiu98:
In my experience there are always two sides to a story. This partner of yours does sound lazy in fairness but have you ever given any thought to what he might say were he to draft a similar post? The first 18 months went well I imagine given that you decided to move in together. After that it’s a case where you work all day and study at night (not easy, I do this myself) and he sees you for the first at 10.45 and your concern is the dishwasher duty. Maybe before you moved in together he would leave things behind him and then pick them up later. Have you asked him about this?

You are looking for things to be as you want. What you seem to want is all very reasonable but it may just be a different way of doing things than he is used to.
Again the key is compromise.

Seamus is on the ball here. If you tell me to do something then chances are I won’t do it. Ask me to do something and I will bounce to it. Is this childish? I supposed you could say it is or you could just say it’s a guy thing.

On the money front.
So many relationships get in trouble over money. Online banking, direct debit or whatever, there are plenty of options but something needs to be done. This is one thing you need to have a serious conversation about. Train the guy like a dog (nice one Seamus) for everything else but money issues fester.

j

Kell

poiu98 wrote:

Again, I ask and he gets all moody so I drop it.

Um, thats the second time that you have mentioned that when you try and broach things he pulls a strop. As someone else says, he sounds like an arséhole who is quite happy to let you look after this and that and the other.

If I were you I would be asking myself why I am with someone who is lazy, doesnt carry out their share of stuff, leaves me stuck for money and who pulls a strop everytime I bring something up. No?

As for

poiu98 wrote:

I rarely bring the issues above up as I don’t want to spoil it.

I am surprised no one spotted that before. Thats like saying "if I keep him sweet, everything is fine, but if I express how I feel, then he pulls a tantrum".

Dear, thats not good. That is not whats meant by

poiu98 wrote:

Other than the issues above, everything is fine

Sounds to me like something is very rotten in the state of Denmark indeed.

K-

tbh

lazy AND doesn't care.

you'll waste your life with this chap, IMO.

Your call.

Caliden

stop cleaning up after him?

jubi lee

erm, if you pay a bill, you want him to pay you back his half? do you pay him your half when he pays something??

i'm living with my guy for last 2 months and if one of us pays for a bill, we don't go asking for the money back. just agree on what bills you will pay and what bills he will pay or split everything down the middle dead center.

as for the tidying... just tidy up after yourself.... leave his mess... he'll soon run out of clean clothes and will get fed up sitting in a dirty room. tell him ur not gonna clean up after him period.

Again my other half and I pretty much split the cooking, cleaning bills etc down the middle so there's no arguing about it.

if it's draining you already it's a bad sign...you're meant to be living with your future husband or whatever. it should be exciting and enjoyable (at the start anyway :-))

LegacyUser

'He would leave everything for maybe 2 weeks before hed get around or think of cleaning things, so Id have to live in squalor until then. I dont think so.

Ive never demanded or told him to do something. Just this morning he was arsing around before going to work. I was still in bed. I got up and thought he might have put out the bins. Nope. Didnt bother. So I asked him to do it before he left and yes I said thanks and all that too. He had often "forgotton" to do it, even after asking him to do it 10mins before.

Either he is a complete air head or he just doesnt care enough.

Hes not talking to me now anyways. He thinks its all my fault and feels sorry for himself (hes 30). Here is the thing....he says he is not mad at what I said, but how I said it. The fact is I didnt shout or anything - not until I was told that I was being unreasonable and unfair in the way I was acting and how/why I brought this up.

Feel like Im walking on egg shells here trying to talk about problems.

The sad thing is I am getting really turned off by this. I am the one getting anxious etc at the end of the day. How can someone be such of a baby? Im doing my best to compromise and be nice. I feel numb. I dont actually feel anything for him right now.'

jubi lee

poiu98 wrote:

'Thanks for the replies.

I made it so that I am the only one who can withdraw money.

'

why would ya do that???? if it's a joint account?????
you obviously don't trust the guy

tbh

poiu98 wrote:

'

Ive never demanded or told him to do something. Just this morning he was arsing around before going to work. I was still in bed. I got up and thought he might have put out the bins. Nope. Didnt bother. So I asked him to do it before he left and yes I said thanks and all that too. He had often "forgotton" to do it, even after asking him to do it 10mins before.

Look. In a relationship, things are supposed to be easier - the workload should be halved. Yours has doubled. This isn't working.

Either he is a complete air head or he just doesnt care enough.

Ok, but either way - do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy?

Hes not talking to me now anyways. He thinks its all my fault and feels sorry for himself (hes 30). Here is the thing....he says he is not mad at what I said, but how I said it. The fact is I didnt shout or anything - not until I was told that I was being unreasonable and unfair in the way I was acting and how/why I brought this up.

Relationships shouldn't be like this. You are compromising, he's not - is he worth it? Trust me, even tho I don't know you, I know you can do better. I suspect you do too.

Feel like Im walking on egg shells here trying to talk about problems.

The sad thing is I am getting really turned off by this. I am the one getting anxious etc at the end of the day. How can someone be such of a baby? Im doing my best to compromise and be nice. I feel numb. I dont actually feel anything for him right now.'

Give me three good reasons why staying with this guy is better than leaving him. Just three. I could give you a hundred reasons why I'm with my g/f.
If I behaved like this with her, I'd be out on my ass, and my mam + dad would be on her side.

You. Deserve. Better.

jubi lee

poiu98 wrote:

'He would leave everything for maybe 2 weeks before hed get around or think of cleaning things, so Id have to live in squalor until then. I dont think so.

well it's something you'll have to try out. otherwise you will be picking up after him for the rest of your life.

poiu98 wrote:

'Either he is a complete air head or he just doesnt care enough..

sorry but i agree with him about how you speak to him/about him. I wouldn't go around calling my other have an airhead or a big baby!

poiu98 wrote:

'The fact is I didnt shout or anything - not until I was told that I was being unreasonable and unfair in the way I was acting and how/why I brought this up...

you don't have to shout, it may be the look on your face or the tone of your voice..

you need to both grow up.

sit down calmly and work out what strategy you will use to pay the bills and the cleaning.
don't give out to him about how much you do for him etc etc you're a couple, you're meant to help each other out a little bit. just explain to him that you are finidng it a little difficult with work and college. Explain to him that you are worried about the money side of things. And keep repeating to him that you just wanna deal with it now and then get back to enjoying living with each other.

if you both can't do that, you're with the wrong person....

LegacyUser

'The thing is, I think its gone too far this time.

I am worn out trying to keep the peace while feeling horrible.

He is probably thinking about this also.

Grow-up? I dont think thats fair on my part. You are telling me what it should be like......but shur I cant get him to load a flippin plate into the dishwasher!!!

How can I grow up? Talk to him? I have. Ask not demand? I have. Please and thank yous? I have.

Its logger heads at the moment and am giving up. I am at college till late tonight. I know when I get home, he wont be there and the place will be in a mess. He'll go to the pub or somewhere, switch off this phone, to make a point "you are not going to tell me what to do" kind of stance.

You are right, I cant live like this anymore. I do love him but I cant anymore. This is what I was afraid of feeling when I started writing this post. I was wrong to move in with him. Its only been two months......am going to look like a fool. I was so sure it would work out.

Just to say to one of the posters above, we talked about moving in together and what it would be like and about who would pay what and chores and things like that....................goes to show talking about it doesnt equate to being in the situation. I hope your plan goes better than ours, but be careful.'

Kell

jubi lee wrote:

you need to both grow up.

:rolleyes:

That poster didnt read the girls posts in much detail.

If she is attempting to be reasonable with this A hole, how exactly is that not being grown up?

OP- if you feel you are walking on eggshells trying to broach things with your BF, that really is not healthy. You should really start considering moving on as it really doesnt look likely that you situation is going to change.

Hugs.

K-

jubi lee

i read the OP's post just fine.

they both have got to grow up and realise that when you first move in together there are most probably going to be teething problems. Getting all pissed off at each other over silly stuff is a total waste of energy. it's just a matter of finding a happy medium between the couple whether that means being relaxed about it or setting up rota's etc. each to their own.

it's a total waste if they broke up over dirty dished and a few bills!! but then again there seems to be a whole turst issue there especially with not letting him have access to HIS money in THEIR joint account.

she should stop calling him down right stupid, an airhead, a big baby etc.

tbh

jubi lee wrote:

i read the OP's post just fine.

they both have got to grow up and realise that when you first move in together there are most probably going to be teething problems. Getting all pissed off at each other over silly stuff is a total waste of energy. it's just a matter of finding a happy medium between the couple whether that means being relaxed about it or setting up rota's etc. each to their own.

it's a total waste if they broke up over dirty dished and a few bills!! but then again there seems to be a whole turst issue there especially with not letting him have access to HIS money in THEIR joint account.

she should stop calling him down right stupid, an airhead, a big baby etc.

This has nothing to do with cleaning and bills, and everything to do with the boyf's total lack of respect for his missus. Even if he doesn't think it's a big deal, the fact that she's getting upset over it makes it one, and he should be more supportive. What if they have kids - can she trust him to pull his weight there? Not in a million years IMO.

Beruthiel

poiu98 wrote:

am going to look like a fool

Better a happy fool than a sad one.
What do you care what you look like? You need to be happy in your life, whatever you have to do to make that happen is a positive thing and fuk what others think.
Chin up.

tbh

poiu98 wrote:

..am going to look like a fool. I was so sure it would work out.
.'

you'd look like a fool if you didn't do anything. As it is, you'll look like a woman who is not to be ****ed with!

jubi lee

do ya mind giving us a rough idea of your ages?

listen it is difficult. going out and living together are totally different things IMO.

you need to decide whether it's worth working through or not.

if not, move out. you won't look like a fool. quite the opposite. you tried, it didn't work out... move on...

maybe you moving out may get him to wise up a bit. how about staying with family or friends for the weekend?

Kell

jubi lee wrote:

do ya mind giving us a rough idea of your ages?

She said he was 30 in her 3rd/4th quote. I thought you

jubi lee wrote:

read the OP's post just fine.

:eek:

OP- you are not going to look like a fool. He sounds like a complete child and you dont need someone in your life like that. Yes it sucks and yes its going to hurt and yes you will be plagued by thoughts of whether you were too hard on him for months to come.

As you say, you knew where this was going when you started typing. You just needed to hear that people thought the same.

Many hugs.

K-

tbh

Kell wrote:

As you say, you knew where this was going when you started typing. You just needed to hear that people thought the same.

Indeed. It really is him, it's not you.

Zambia

Imagine if you had a kid ....