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boyfriend won't help with housework

  • 21-02-2007 04:09PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am at my wits end
    My boyfriend refuses point blank to do any housework
    When I say housework I mean basic cleaning up of any mess he's made.
    He's in college and I work for myself from home,
    I have no problem doing more than my fair share of the housework, as my work only takes up a couple of hours a day and he's in his final year.
    But he's not doing any college work, he spends any spare minute playing warcraft.
    He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.
    He says he is sick of my moaning and that if it wasn't the housework I'd moan about something else.


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Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.

    Charming.
    You're not the first person to hear the above from someone who's mammy clearly did everything for him when he lived at home.
    He's not a teenager anymore, you're going to have to sit him down and discuss this calmly. This sort of childish behaviour can spill into the relationship if it carries on as you become more resentful. I've had to contend with this in my time. Explain to him that ye are both adults and as such, will be sharing the household chores evenly. Asign him his weekly tasks, give him a choice of half. See how that goes.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Apologies
    I probably should have said I am looking for some advice on how I should handle this situation, or if anyone else has had a similar situation how did you handle it.
    I know it doesn't seem like much of a problem in the grand scheme of things.
    I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Its pretty clear that he was probably mothered to bits at home and the poor sod probably couldn't even get his smalls washed without you. To be honest, it is an attitude that is very very common amongst young student males, particularly those with a preference for weed and warcraft over study and hygeine. I'd say either go with what B says in an attempt to mammy him into it, or else DTMFA if it's that big an issue for you!

    In fairness, he's not being fair to you at all and not being adult about it or pulling his weight. agreed?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Sounds like he is treating you like his mother and the fact that you don't go out to work means you have nothing better to be doing then cleaning the house
    an sure isn't that womens work.

    Get a rota, get an agreement on housework or get a new bf.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.

    ok, the harsh reality:

    Your boyfriend has told you his position on this matter. He's perfectly entitled to live like a pig if he wants to (although he doesn't, does he? cause he knows you'll clean up *hint* *hint*)

    You have to ask yourself: Is this a person I want to be with? Do I want to spend my time/life with someone who is not willing to put himself out in the slightest for you, even when he knows that it's important? He's saying "I want to not clean more than I want to have a relationship" and he's saying "I'm going to let you do all the work, because I know you will, and i have so little respect for you that I'm not even going to make excuses for it"

    But lets be clear: he won't change of his own accord, and if you decide to stay with him, you're guilty of the same thing. Be very clear:
    If you decide to continue the relationship, well I'm afraid that you're just going to have to put up with that.

    if it were me, I'd say to him "I'm not going to live like a pig, and I'm not going to be disrespected like that. I'm off." Don't threaten him that you'll leave if he doesn't change - just go. I have a feeling that the place will be sparkling before the weekend, and if not, no great loss.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,976 ✭✭✭✭humanji


    This sounds like a joke answer, but it's not. With-hold sex from him and you'll soon find yourself with the cleanest house known to human kind.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 381 ✭✭DAVE_K


    I'd have to go with TBH on this one to be honest - some people are just the way they are - there's no point trying to change them - you either gotta put up or get out. I was living with a girl some years back who couldn't go shag all around the place - i mean her fair share, not everything - sometimes she'd be too lazy to even shower. I was cleaning the place and doing everything, she couldn't be arsed cos her mother had done everything for her. In the end that and a combination of other things led me to leave. I remember calling around to see her every now and then and seeing plates with food on them (and mold growing on it) lying around for weeks on end - it all helped to strenghten my resolve that i did the right thing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    humanji wrote:
    This sounds like a joke answer, but it's not. With-hold sex from him and you'll soon find yourself with the cleanest house known to human kind.

    see the problem there is that it starts a war of attrition - he won't give in out of principle, and she won't because she wants to save face. It goes for a week, then two, then a month, pretty soon you're living with a stranger. From the sound of her b/f, if it wasn't the cleaning, it'd be something else that responsible adults have to do everyday, which he wants to be exempted from. As the doc said, DTMFA.

    dan savage kicks ass. and probably other stuff too, but lets stay on topic ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,432 ✭✭✭Avns1s


    Thaedydal wrote:

    an sure isn't that womens work.

    Isn't it??????????


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If I gave him a list of chores he'd tell me to F#*K OFF

    With holding sex! that is not an option coz after I brought up the subject of the housework he's not talking to me really. we're just being civil to eachother, sex is probably the last thing on his mind, its certainly the last on my mind at the moment.

    I've let it fester and I have been pretty pissed off for a while now, as a result I've not really been great company, Its a vicious circle, He doesn't do any housework, I get pissed off and moan, he retreats to his room to play warcraft and does even less, and so it goes.

    I've tried the not doing any housework thing, I let it go for over a week, I eventually gave in, every pot and pan cup plate was filty. One pot even had mould on it.

    There was a time there that he would leave skid marks on the toilet bowl, He now cleans them off, He thinks he's fantastic for doing this.

    I love cooking, he thinks because of this I should be happy doing all the cooking and that it isn't a chore for me, therefore me doing the cooking shouldn't warrant anything in return from him.

    He says I'm a martyr and that there's no pleasing me,he says I'm miserable all the time.

    Thanks for the replies


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  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Mya Witty Walnut


    I agree very much with tbh. He has no respect for you, both in refusing to clean up and in telling you to stop moaning. Tell him you won't be treated like that, you won't live like a pig, and you're off. Better off that way than someone who doesn't even care about something important to you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,925 ✭✭✭✭challengemaster


    Thaedydal wrote:
    Get a rota, get an agreement on housework or get a new bf.

    definatly sounds like the best thing to do. no point being treated like shít over it, so if he continues to refuse after a good talk about it, ditch him


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    Tell him you're not his maid or his mother so grow up and start acting like an adult.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 757 ✭✭✭milod


    @Humanjii - gotta disagree with the withholding strategy - it's damn clever, and might work like a treat, but it's the start of the rot. You should NEVER barter or use sex as a commodity in a relationship - my ex tried it once, she didn't get a second chance...

    @OP - you need to get some backbone here - how badly do you need this loser?! He's a slob and plays warcraft all day!! You won't change him, but you need to set a bottom line for yourself and decide how low you are prepared to go!

    Seriously, dump him - anyone who can live in squalor and be so immature and utterly uncompromising on such an issue cannot have any self-respect.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,167 ✭✭✭✭Zebra3


    Stop washing his clothes.

    If that doesn't work, dump him.

    He sounds like an idiot and if he doesn't cop himself on, don't waste any more time on him. Then try and find a grown up to go out with.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15 Nala82


    ok.. u have to ask yourself, do u really really want to be with a person like him? seriously, how disrespectful and lazy is he....
    start thinking about urself for a change! tell him to ship up or ship out! simple as. why do u put up with s**t like that?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    What happens if you stay with him and have children ?
    Kids make soooo much mess ad you are constantly pickingup after them
    sounds like he would step over them as well as the mess they created
    and would ignore them and what ever they are at.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Been there, done that.

    He is not going to change, I tried going on strike, doing everything and pointing it out, asking and being told 'I'll do it later / this weekend / next week' , shouting, begging and nothing worked.

    Best advice - and I know you probably won't take it - pack your bags and go. Can you imagine what its going to be like 5 or 10 years down the line, possibly with children - and you still have to do everything?

    Just to add - whatever you decide to do, do it now, because it *will* spill over into other aspects of your life together, if you're like me, the fact he won't listen to you on something as basic as cleaning shows a major lack of understanding and respect, and will start to wear you down.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,204 ✭✭✭bug


    Don't do anything for him, and do all your own house work.
    Don't cook for him. Don't clean for him. DO NOTHING. No matter how much you might be tempted because of the filth.

    Let the place go to pot except for your own bits and what's necessary.

    He is impervious to the knacker that he is, so there is no point in going on at him. Don't say anything, and don't get bitchy about it. POINTLESS.

    In a few weeks time when you get totally pissed off, pack the bin bag with rubbish, double pack it, (so it doesn't leak) and put it in his bed with the covers over it. (you can make arms, legs and head for the fun of it if you want)

    DON'T BITCH

    Then progressively move all the crap he creates on the way or around the PC (cups etc).

    If none of this works then move out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,248 ✭✭✭4Xcut


    He says he is sick of my moaning and that if it wasn't the housework I'd moan about something else.

    If he's a relativly hygenic person, call this bluff.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    4Xcut wrote:
    If he's a relativly hygenic person, call this bluff.

    What eactly do you mean?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 17,555 ✭✭✭✭astrofool


    Sounds like a kid, treat him like one, take away his internet :) (then leave)


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,421 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    You honestly must love this guy to put up with him. He is treating you like his own personal maid, and you are just taking it. Seriously if this guy was simply a lodger in your house youd have him out on his ear! He sounds like he has no respect for you, and believe me, it will only get worse if you let him away with it now.
    You may have to face up to ending it with him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15 Nala82


    question for "at wits end".... what do u love about this guy? seriously,ur being treated like a door mat!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭loismustdie


    i know this sounds harsh but it's not about the housework its about his attitude towards you so dump him. don't let him change because deep down that's who he is, he cares only about what he wants and has the cheek to give you the silent treatment. dont worry he'll never meet a girl who will put up with it so he will learn and be so sorry, or if he does meet one they deserve ech other. please don't try to change him, if you think you can and he promises sum, moon and stars when you say you;re finishing it please don't believe it as he doesn't really care about your feelings


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,769 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    He says I'm a martyr and that there's no pleasing me,he says I'm miserable all the time.
    You will be if you continue living with him? Decision time?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ''
    Nala82 wrote:
    question for "at wits end".... what do u love about this guy? seriously,ur being treated like a door mat!
    I really do love him, but at the moment I can't stand him.

    We've been together for almost 9 years, We've been living together for almost a year now, we lived together when we were younger, but that was totally different, we were living in a kippy flat in town and were living a much more hectic lifestyle, This wasn't an issue then like it is now.

    Before we moved in together this time I did have reservations, He said he would make more of an effort. I just keep thinking this is totally ridiculous and it would be a shame to break up over housework. I kinda think it’s a bit bizarre, refusing point blank to any housework.

    To be honest I think it’s a symptom of a bigger issue. He's not ready to grow up, in some way he equates making an effort to do some housework as being domesticated, settled, tied down. He doesn't want to be settled down with me, simple as!

    I definitely have a decision to make, Thanks a million to everyone who gave advice, I am seeing things much more clearly now.''


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    'Except in cases of on-going violence I never say "just dump him" in PI, because as long as both people are in a place where they want things to work there's still hope.

    Can't really think of anything else to say here though.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 27,644 ✭✭✭✭nesf


    What eactly do you mean?

    Call his bluff if he isn't the kind of person who could live in complete squalor. If he's the kind of person who likes being able to walk without hearing something break or enjoys eating off plates that aren't covered in mould then he'll break.*


    *Note, keep a set of clean ware carefully hidden for yourself somewhere and memorise paths through the clutter just in case...



    That said, all the comments about dumping him are something that I wouldn't agree with. Bigger things have been thrashed out and sorted by couples, and usually some compromise can be reached (if he doesn't like washing up, get him to hoover, if he doesn't like housework in general find other things that could be done).

    Also, as having done the going out with a neat freak thing and the sharing a house with a person who cleans compulsively, people do have a right to a certain amount of clutter acceptance in their lives. I'm not thinking of food being left out, or knives that had been used to cut meat being left out unwashed on the counter, but of bits of clutter here and there. Some people have completely unreasonable expectations of cleanliness with regard to their partners, not that I'm accusing the OP of this, it's just the bandwagon of "he's a mommy's boy, dump him" ignores this very real possibility.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭kelle


    I have only one piece of advice - dump the f**ker! If his attitude to housework is like this, then just think if you have children he's going to leave it all to you. Imagine the scenario - you're stuck with the children 24/7, he goes to work followed by the gym followed by the pub or a visit to his mammy to be pampered. Your own social life will go down the drain.You read about this situation in problem pages all the time. You don't need this. There are plenty of guys out there who are considerate and will be terrific around the house, you don't need to be with this loser.
    Failing that, the only other piece of advice I can offer you is to drop your standards and gradually allow yourself to get used to living in a dirty house. Because you will never, ever change his ways and you'll work yourself into an early grave if you try to.


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