I'm so insecure+ it's completely ruining my life...

LegacyUser

I'm so scared. I feel like I'm going mad.

Ok, so basically I'm a 22 year old girl. My older brother has treated me like crap all my life. He's a bit of a control freak+ when I was growing up at home, he was always really controlling over me+ there was never anything I could do. Stuff that probably sounds silly... but so much of it... it has built up. He always got away with it. Stuff like monitoring all my passwords on the computer+ hacking into my email a/cs+ printing off personal emails and showing my parents... name calling... making me leave a room if he entered etc...

Only one friend who grew up near me, has seen what he is like. I'm now in 4th year in college. She told me in 1st year to go to see a councillor as she know's it's sort of messed me up a bit.

I've gotten away from home as much as possible... to avoid HIM. I even went working abroad on my own for a couple of summers, as all my friends were staying in Ireland. No one knew it was to get away from him. My mum has seen what he's like too+ helped my out this year with moving out etc, to be near college. I really thought that by moving out, any bad thoughts etc would go away, but they haven't.

I have a great boyfriend. We've been going out about 5 months, but I'm getting more and more insecure about us... even though I really like him.. I'm afraid of what will happen if he sees how insecure I actually am about everything in general...

I sometimes have really dark thoughts. I've looked up ways of how to commit suicide. I sometimes really consider it, but don't think I'd ever go through with it, as it would be so selfish. I used to make my leg bleed before...nt deep cuts, just small ones/ scrathes..stuff that didn't leave a scar. I've done that once since I moved out, as I felt so ****, for no reason.

I'm so scared to go and talk to someone. I'm planning on going to see the college councillor, though, as I promised a close friend I would (alot of issues came out when I was talking to her). I don't know whether to break up with my boyfriend, or tell him or what... he's going to think I'm so messed up.
I can't stop feeling low+ am so insecure about everything in general.. college etc... even though I'm doing ok. I worry so much+ I think it's because of my brother, I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone or anything

Has anyone ever been in a similar position?. Would the councillor think it was too stupid a problem.. I don't know... please help

Victor

please help me wrote:

Has anyone ever been in a similar position?. Would the councillor think it was too stupid a problem.. I don't know... please help

No, the counsellor won't think you are stupid. Lots of people suffer from the controlling influence of others, whether its parents, partners, employers or others.

Have a chat. Realise that having that chat may be difficult, but that ultimately it will help you.

And don't cut yourself because of bad people. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let the bad people win.

Black Swan

We all have some fear in life that we must deal with. To say otherwise, would be dishonest. You can see a councillor, cause that's what they do. You can seek additional solutions, too. Mine was to train in taekwondo, and during the past few years, my self-esteem, security, and physical fitness has markedly improved. It's not a total solution, but can help overcome some limitations. If you would like to chat more, PM me.

davyjose

Victor wrote:

No, the counsellor won't think you are stupid.

Nor will your boyfriend think bad of you in any way. you're away from that ****er now, so your new life starts here. Good luck.

LegacyUser

'I stayed up all night as I couldn't sleep+ decided to do college work instead. Went into the college councillor first thing this morning. Oh god, the next appointment is next monday. I don't know why I did what I did.. but I had a scalpal in my pencil case+ went into the bathroom + cut my leg. I never cut myself properly before. I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know how I'm going to get through to next monday. I would never do anything seriously stupid though. I'll hang in there. It'll be tough though. There's no where else I can go. Don't have the finances.'

b3t4

Bite the bullet and head to a counsellor.

If your arm was bleeding and you headed to the doctor to get stitched up would people think you daft or would they think fair deuce to her getting it sorted.

Treat what's going on in your head like that of a bleeding arm. Something is wrong and it needs to get sorted before it starts to fester.

The cutting is a coping method which you should try to replace with something else like counselling, writing stuff down, hitting a pillow against a wall (ok people might think you daft for this one but I assure you it's a great relief giver for an anger built up ) or anything else that releases the emotions you've bottled up in a save and positive manner.

[edit]
Just saw your response after posting. You need to remove any temptation to cut from your person. Everything that you have used or could use will need to be thrown away. It's tough at the beginning but it does get easier.

Well done on going to the counsellor

Try writing your emotions down. After being to the counsellor a well of emotions have probably raised their ugly head so it'll take some time to come to terms with this. Writing things down is an effective way to get things out of your head in a save way.
[/edit]

Best of luck with this.
A

Marksie

please help me wrote:

'I stayed up all night as I couldn't sleep+ decided to do college work instead. Went into the college councillor first thing this morning. Oh god, the next appointment is next monday. I don't know why I did what I did.. but I had a scalpal in my pencil case+ went into the bathroom + cut my leg. I never cut myself properly before. I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know how I'm going to get through to next monday. I would never do anything seriously stupid though. I'll hang in there. It'll be tough though. There's no where else I can go. Don't have the finances.'

Be strong. Self harming is an indication that things are getting away from you, so make sure and keep that appointment. i was in a realtionship with somene who had self-harmed in the past.

Does your boyfriend know this? Have you told him anything?

The insecurities and dark thoughts are all part of what has happened to you in the past.

I think that you have to talk to your boyfriend. You have written down what happened to you and how you feel.
It may be a good point if you write it down and use the points as a basis for a conversation with your boyfriend.
I am sure, from what you have said , that he will understand.
I am also sure that he will support you and help you through this time. he is on the ground as it were.

Keep posting your thoughts here as well, let us know whats happening, i for one will be watching this thread and giving support if necessary.

Take care
M

LegacyUser

'Thanks everyone for your replies. It means alot.

marksuttonie wrote:

The insecurities and dark thoughts are all part of what has happened to you in the past.M

I find that's a a helpful way of looking at things.. thank you.. so at least now, I can try and understand somewhat that there really is a reason why I have these stupid insecurities+ dark thoughts.

About talking to my boyfriend.. I would like to... + unless I completely avoid him or something, he probably will see the cuts (now,I'm thinking, ahhh...I so shouldn't have done that). He saw some mark on my leg a few weeks ago.. but it was sort of healing up+ I quickly said I didn't know how it got there+ changed the subject .
But how can I do that without making me think I'm some sort of freak?... don't guys absolutely hate girls with 'emotional' issues... I'm going to send the dude running...

I typed some things out last night about how I was feeling etc...
Here's some of it....

I used to cut myself.. lightly.. so I didn’t leave scars.. I didn’t do it that often… but I remember doing it, crouched inside my door+ my brother shouting at me from the other side..
Once, I was in the house on my own with him+ I forget what exactly happened. He had a knife+ he said something along the lines that I would be sorry.. + I remember I was terrified. Locked myself in to my room+ cried myself to sleep.

Before I ate something like a couple of sweets or something.. + I remember trying to make myself sick, as he started going on about how I was an ugly fat b****.

Just when I thought everything was ok.. and there was a party at our house+ our cousins were over and he was so nice to me in front of them… next morning.. it was ‘get out of the way you f*****g c**t’..’

I don't really expect any response to this... I guess... it just makes me think, that somehow... I'm letting the world know what he has done.. which is probably completely minor to other problems (I know there's alot worse out there)... even though all of this is completely anonymous...'

LegacyUser

'

marksuttonie wrote:

i was in a realtionship with somene who had self-harmed in the past M

How did you find out/ how did she tell you+ was it part of the reason things ended?.. no need to reply if you don't want to'

Drift

Hi OP, there's a recently opened "Suicide and Self-Harm Centre" in Lucan in Dublin. I heard about it recently on Matt Cooper's show. I'm not sure if you're in Dublin or not but even if you aren't it might be worth giving them a call. I can't seem to find their website but these are their details below:

Pieta House, Old Lucan Road, Lucan, Co Dublin, can be contacted at (01) 601 0000, from 9.30am to 5pm.

And these are some news websites about the opening of the centre:
http://www.oneinfour.org/news/news2006/lucan/
http://www.irishhealth.com/?level=4&id=10911
http://rte.ie/news/2007/0129/suicide.html


You've taken the first major step to getting rid of this problem from your life by booking a meeting with a consellor so hang in there until next monday. Its not too long really ...... maybe try and make sure your time is occupied until then.

From the bf point of view I know if it was a gf of mine that was having these problems I would feel a lot closer to her knowing that she trusted me enough to confide in me about her problems. And remember there's always that old saying about a problem shared being a problem halved.

I hope it all works out for you OP and don't worry you're never alone you seem to have at least one very good friend - the one who made you promise to see the counsellor.

Edit: Pieta House is free.

Marksie

please help me wrote:

'

How did you find out/ how did she tell you+ was it part of the reason things ended?.. no need to reply if you don't want to'

No i don't mind telling you if it will help you understand.

I noticed the scars and asked, her issues had been with her mother and father, and the self harming was in her childhood.

As was the vomiting after food and binge eating.

The issues that broke us up were not the fact that she self harmed, but partially the fact that she wouldn't tell me what happened amongst a lot of other things and i couldn't understand what I was doing wrong and thought it was me. Additionally, she lied about many things as she could not be open.

When i did manage to get to some measure of the truth it brought me into direct conflict with the main reasons for her behaviour.

UNLIKE you, she had not managed to make that break from the individuals who had caused this in the first place.

I would have done anything for her, but she had first to help herself. Being assaulted by her i could handle, it is when she turned around and began smashing herself against all the bathroom furniture I broke.

Thats it in a very small nutshell.

I can therefore see the similarities and differences between the two of you, she was also 7 years older than you and had had that much longer for the psyche to become entrenched.

I see in you now the opportunity to overcome this. You have made the break from your brother, your mother helped you. Remember what your brother says is not a reflection on you but on him. You have been browbeaten enough, you are much better than that, you just have to relearn it all. i suspect that the depression itself is stemming from the past.

Always remember too that you are a unique and special person, no-one is quite like you in the world. You add to it not detract.

Allow your boyfriend in, slowly and gently. He will appreciate it if you do, he may have some inkling of what is happening, your post indicates so. But be prepared to let him think about things, I belive if he remains open and just lets you talk, it will begin spilling out and years of built up emotions will begin to be released.

There have been resources opened for you ..take them. Take all the help you can to reconnect with yourself.

I am not a professional, but thanks to you having the courage to post here, you now know where you can get advice and help.
namaste
M

Petey2006

OP, I really feel for you. I used to feel rotten about myself all the time. Bullying in school and at home really took it's toll. My self confidence was permanently low and I too had contemplated ways and means of ending it all. I went into counselling after a lot of trepidation and doubts over whether it would work or not. I have to say, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm not completely over everything, but I can tell you, I fell a hell of a lot better than before. It's a really brave step to take, and I think in time you'll be really glad you did.

Kell

please help me wrote:

I don't know why I did what I did.. but I had a scalpal in my pencil case+ went into the bathroom + cut my leg. I never cut myself properly before. I feel like I'm going mad.

You need to go and see a professional therapist. There are levels to which a college counsellor can go but most dont have the experience to help you with this.

From seeing first hand the horrific lengths self harm can get to, I know it becomes an emotional vent, a lease. You have to stop the cycle of "I am numb/down/stressed, lets cut myself" before it starts.

I know I am being brutal here, but you really do need to get it into your head that self harm is really, really bad. If your mum knows your situation, then ask her for money to see a proper therapist. At some point you'll end up confiding in your mum, so why not now?

marksuttonie wrote:

it is when she turned around and began smashing herself against all the bathroom furniture I broke.

Tends to have that breaking PTSD effect doesnt it?

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Tends to have that breaking PTSD effect doesnt it?

K-

Yup, but in the end depends on how you turn it..inwards or outwards. Inwards you become bitter and isolated. Outwards you turn it to positive action, self awareness and the ability to deal/cope with other inevitable life crises.

Smart Guy

Firstly well done in recognoising you have a problem that is the first step. Secondly what you are experiencing is the effect, what needs to be addressed is the cause. It is the same as the flu you don,t treat the runny nose your treat the virus that caused the flu. It seems to me the way your brother treated you that you were raised by your parents but not nutured. Please get professional help because I know a person very close to me who was in a similar situation and through councilling came out the other end a whole different person. Tell your boyfriend and I.m sure he will support you as if he is honest with you he probably has seen behavioural signs already. If not he was not worth being with in the first instance.

b3t4

As the others have said it is good to tell your boyfriend but always, always remember that he is not a professional and will not, more than likely, be able to cope with all your stuff. He's only human and must be able to feel that he can still have a laugh and talk with his girlfriend.

The can of worms you've opened will take a while to heal and will be hard to deal with at first but with time and some patience things will improve. But as the saying goes it has to get worse before it gets better so prepare yourself for this.
A

limklad

Hi "Please help me". Like many other well done for coming out and well done for getting to collage and making it to Fourth year!
It not your fault that your brother is a compete b*****. That is his choice in Life, Not Yours.

I had parents like that especially my mother. She was all nice in front of other people and then went no one was looking or listening, she uses verbal and emotional abuse on me. When I was young she would hit me for minor things, and if someone sees her doing it, she makes up an excuse or exaggerates it. She used others to degrade me. My mother was not the only one. I was bullied in school to and my other sibling who always sided with my mother.

Your brother, just like many other abusers have no true self confidence. He is a coward and using you to boost his poor self esteem by using his physical aggression to cover it up. He is also very selfish, because he does not want you to feel better than him. It a perverse form of happiness on his part and it is always short lived and they why he keeps hurting you. Your mind is probably saying to yourself, that you must feel worst than him or else he will abuse you. My answer to this is to hell with him. The only thing he cares about is hurting you. You should not waste “your valuable energy” on what is he is going to do to you or what he done to you. You are also wasting it yourself by thinking about it in how would he continue to abuse you. The best way to beat him and other like him is to do your own thing in life and be happy and interested in doing it. You need to stop letting him get to you. You need to stand up for yourself no matter how much he hurts you.
You are also at a point in life that you don’t know what is coming next and you are conscious of it.
“When one door closes then another door or many doors opens”. It is your choice to do what you want in life. It is yours choice to do whatever you want from life. It is Yours, It is not your brother or anyone else’s.

You said it happen all of your life, therefore your parents betrayed you too. They are supposed to love and protect you. They did not protect and nurture you. They failed you.
They may have fed, clothed and had a roof over your head and sent you to school. This is not good enough, because it was there choice to bring you into this world, not yours. If they say any of the above things against you, then they are trying to escape responsibility to their duty and do not except it.
You said that you mother was helping you out in moving. She may feel some guilt and now that you are older and moved out, know you are unlikely want to travel home.

You may hurt yourself because you have been used to pain and when it gone, you may miss it because you have been used to it. You may feel guilty about been happy so you hurt yourself. I disagree with a comment about collage counselors don’t know anything about bullying or not worth a toss. If they don’t they should be sacked!! It is like saying that no one gets abused. There are more people coming out about abuse and you are not alone nor the first and unfortunately not the last. The counselor is there to help, listen and guide you in your first few steps back to recovery. You are now in fourth year (again well done) and the last thing the collage need is for you to fail. The better grade you get improves their reputation and if you get pass the first year then it is in their vested interest in you do well (within the rules of course as standard must be met).

You also have a boyfriend, so you have done well for yourself (under your present circumstances). You are attractive in way you might not relies it and if you lose him, then they are billions of men out here in this very big world. It is not him you are insecure about, it is you who you are insecure about, and how he would he react if he knew the truth. If you were my girlfriend, then the first thing I prefer above all else is honesty and come clean, no matter how much it hurts me. It is unfair on him, that you are hiding things from him. It brings dishonesty to the relationship and vice-versa. He may or may not have some experience about this kind of abuse. He may react badly or good about it. It will test his personality. If he has no experience then it ok. You need to give him a chance and time too to come to terms in what you experience. It will not be easy. Talking about these things is not easy, but they are worth talking about. Everything you experience in life will stand to you in the future, the good and the bad. Learn from it. Learn how to improve your life. Information is everywhere for you and help is at hand.
Now that you have start down the path for a better life, you need to come to terms of what happened to you in the past. I would not hide from it and just face up to it. Doing so brings you strength. If you do not believe in yourself, then I would say that “you have been there and you survived, you went to school (did Junior and leaving cert exams) and collage (which is no easy task for you)”. The choice for your recover is yours.
Also to help you more than anything else, write an autobiography, and express your feeling in it and how you and how others reacted and said. Someone else can learn from your life too or it just helps you to come to terms, so you can move on, so you can experience the best things in life with your wonderful and precious life.

Try new things out, and feel silly doing it, if others can do it you can too. It good to be able to laugh, Feel free to be happy, you deserve it. You can laugh and cry whenever you want. Everybody is entailed to be happy, provide it is not hurting others
(What I mean “hurting others”, is degrading and abusing like your brother).

Of all the things you need is honesty, with yourself and everyone else. Do not lie. Once you do lie, people will not believe you when you do tell the truth. If you do come clean.
Now for Yes and No questions.
Do you want a life free of this continuing abuse?
Do you want to feel better?
Do you want to be able to brush aside the abuse and not let it hurt you?
Do you want to be happy?
What do you want in good life in the future?
I can guess the answers are yes. You will heal because you want to.

For anyone new coming into your life or around you who don’t know, they may be completely ignorant about your situation or say thing that could hurt you indirectly.
Remember, that they do not have the experience of it and if they did imagine what they say then. They will be singing a different tune. So do not let it get to you, because you know better.
Like many others and I dedicate my biggest smile today to you , because you deserve it. And If I was there, I would hug you with happiness from my top and bottom of my heart for been here today because others out there in the world are listening to you now and in the future, again because you deserve it.
I would love to see you cry, laugh, skip, run with joy and take life in your heart again .
Have a good heart full talk with your counselor, friends, boyfriend and mother.
Keep us updated on your progress and this goes to others out there too.

LegacyUser

'So I met up with my boyfriend today for a couple of hours. We were both about to go our separate ways because of work etc+ as we won't be seeing each other until next week...I told him I needed to tell him something... so he refused to go anywhere... and we ended up going to a cafe to talk. I told him a fair bit. He listened patiently. It's such a relief that he didn't act all odd or anything. He's such a legend. I told him about the appointment next monday.

Even though my boyfriend was really understanding etc... I've no idea what he was really thinking... I hope that I can show him, and myself that I'm an extremely strong person, who is taking action to improve my life for the better+ get rid of negativity that has built up because of one 'person'. I just hope he won't start thinking worse of me...

I feel strong now. I know that I'll get through this. I'm actually looking forward to going to talk to someone on monday, as it will be the first step in getting rid of so much that has built up+ that I have blocked out. I promised myself, I'm never ever going to cut myself again. I'm looking at other ways.

Thanks again for all your replies. They've helped me alot.'

eezarthegreat

Hey....

My girlfriend used to self-harm, she had it tough when she was younger. You must be strong and keep your chin up, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you and I hope you are doing ok. I'm so glad that you have found some inner strength....Make sure when you go to chat on Monday that you say as much as you can. The person is there to help and will GLADLY listen, I hope you receive a sense of pressure lifting when you have said it all. Please keep us posted as to how it goes.

best of luck,
Joe

please help me wrote:

I'm so scared. I feel like I'm going mad.

Ok, so basically I'm a 22 year old girl. My older brother has treated me like crap all my life. He's a bit of a control freak+ when I was growing up at home, he was always really controlling over me+ there was never anything I could do. Stuff that probably sounds silly... but so much of it... it has built up. He always got away with it. Stuff like monitoring all my passwords on the computer+ hacking into my email a/cs+ printing off personal emails and showing my parents... name calling... making me leave a room if he entered etc...

Only one friend who grew up near me, has seen what he is like. I'm now in 4th year in college. She told me in 1st year to go to see a councillor as she know's it's sort of messed me up a bit.

I've gotten away from home as much as possible... to avoid HIM. I even went working abroad on my own for a couple of summers, as all my friends were staying in Ireland. No one knew it was to get away from him. My mum has seen what he's like too+ helped my out this year with moving out etc, to be near college. I really thought that by moving out, any bad thoughts etc would go away, but they haven't.

I have a great boyfriend. We've been going out about 5 months, but I'm getting more and more insecure about us... even though I really like him.. I'm afraid of what will happen if he sees how insecure I actually am about everything in general...

I sometimes have really dark thoughts. I've looked up ways of how to commit suicide. I sometimes really consider it, but don't think I'd ever go through with it, as it would be so selfish. I used to make my leg bleed before...nt deep cuts, just small ones/ scrathes..stuff that didn't leave a scar. I've done that once since I moved out, as I felt so ****, for no reason.

I'm so scared to go and talk to someone. I'm planning on going to see the college councillor, though, as I promised a close friend I would (alot of issues came out when I was talking to her). I don't know whether to break up with my boyfriend, or tell him or what... he's going to think I'm so messed up.
I can't stop feeling low+ am so insecure about everything in general.. college etc... even though I'm doing ok. I worry so much+ I think it's because of my brother, I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone or anything

Has anyone ever been in a similar position?. Would the councillor think it was too stupid a problem.. I don't know... please help

Catari Jaguar

You NEED to stand up to your brother. Tell him how you feel and what you think of him and that you're sick of him and you he will NOT have power or control over you because you will not let him. You are not afraid of him, you will not be a victim. You know what a worthless, sad, creepy little bully he is and isn't worth messing your head or life up over.

Get anger out with physical sport, kick boxing or something. Keep talking to a counsellor, and if you're boyfriend is any way decent he will support you and want to help you get better.

LegacyUser

'

Lil Kitten wrote:

You NEED to stand up to your brother. Tell him how you feel and what you think of him and that you're sick of him and you he will NOT have power or control over you because you will not let him. You are not afraid of him, you will not be a victim. You know what a worthless, sad, creepy little bully he is and isn't worth messing your head or life up over.

Get anger out with physical sport, kick boxing or something. Keep talking to a counsellor, and if you're boyfriend is any way decent he will support you and want to help you get better.

Thanks again people.
About standing up to him... I've tried that. It didn't work. If he did something nasty, I've even tried getting revenge, but that also hasn't worked, as he comes back worse. When I was younger, if never worked, as he was bigger than me+ I was scared of him. Now it's sort of the aftermath I'm trying to deal with. How he gotten away with so much stuff. It's just not fair.
Of the friends I've sort of told some things to do... they just think it's as easy as 'standing up for myself' too. But they just don't get it.

About my boyfriend. No matter what, I still think he's a really decent guy. I just deleted a big rambling paragraph there. I haven't seen him since Wednesday for a few reasons. I think I scared him away.... hmm.. shall have to wait and see.'

Lipperes

hey OP,
I have an older brother who were very hard on me during our childhood. However how you describe what happened you sounds worse than what I went through.

Anyway I went to the college counsellor for2 years, had 2 different counsellors. It was so beneficial, especially the 2nd counsellor. One of the things that will always stand out in my mind for me was what the 2nd counsellor said to me. She just sat there one day and said to me.. "you've had a rough time". and somehow someone sitting there in front of me after listening to me for a year and acknowledging that I had a hard time really made a difference.

Sometimes I think that we imagine worse things happening to other people and don't want to seem like we're complaining or moaning or we feel like we should be stronger. But lets face it, it sounds like you've had a bad experience, over a number of years, and you should give yourself credit for been as strong as you are now. So well done for getting through this, because you have, you can now go to a counsellor and work through the issues knowing that you managed to pull through a tough time and you'll be fine. xx

Marksie

Bumped thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thread closed
Lipperes... please dont bump old threads