Should I?

LegacyUser

I have been married for six years and I have two kids. Everything is going fine in my life but I have still got something from my past knocking around my head.
When I was a student I had a relationship with a girl from Finland (this is 1992). We split up before the end of her year abroad for various reasons but mainly the fact that she was four years older and I wanted freedom.
We stayed in touch by letter in the pre-email world. In 1996 I went to visit her in Finland and romance blossomed again. The last time I saw her at Helsinki station I was in love with her. However, I was not so in love that I made an effort to go to visit her again quickly. Instead I was enjoying my first flush of wealth and flying to Barcelona and Amsterdam for weekends with my friends. Naturally she was annoyed with this and made it clear that she did not want to be in touch any more. I was sad but not sad enough to bring myself to fly to her and make it right.
In 1997 I wrote her an e-mail to see how she was and got a long reply with some killer lines like "you said you wanted to marry someone like me but never that you wanted to marry me.....I choose my partners more carefully now, some like me should never be someone like you.......".
I got the message and went on with my life. I thought about her every day and still do. However, that did not prevent me from falling in love again. After some messing around I eventually fell in love with my wife and was ready to commit and so we got married. Our marriage has had more ups than downs and I have never had any kind of affair.
Now that ten years have passed since the last time I wrote to her I would really like to e-mail my ex again. I imagine that she is married and has kids which would be great because that is something that she really wanted. The reason I want to get in touch is to know how she is and to try to be some kind of friend again. The thing that I miss the most about her is that she was the best friend I ever had even though I didn't realise this until much later on.
She was older than me so I didn't quite understand some things that she said or was interested in until much later. For instance, my main interest is in multilingualism and my own children are growing up with three languages. She was brought as a bilingual Finnish/Swedish but I didn't even ask her so much about this at the time. Now I would burn her ear off about this. Another example is with films. I had very little interest in arthouse films after I last met her and now it is a major interest of mine.

Is it crazy to think of getting in touch with her after so many years? Is it ever a good idea to go messing with the past like this? Is it crazy to still think about someone every day so many years later?

Femelade

ah dont go contacting her again. she made it clear the last time that she didnt want to be contacted again, you should respect her wishes.
You are married now, with a family. I 'm sure it would bother you if you found out your wife wanted so badly to get in contact with an ex, that she thinks about everyday. I think its time to finally put the past behind, and concentrate on your family.
Ps. There are plenty of forums on the web for you to discuss things like, arthouse movies, and kids growing up with multiple lauguages.

Beruthiel

Leave the woman alone and get on with making your life with your family.
Some things should be left in the past, this is defo one of them.

Fanny Cradock

Yes, you are mad. How do think your wife would feel if she knew that you were contacting an ex? Or if she was to come across this gushing email? Alternatively, how would you feel if the roles were reversed. This is bad form in my opinion. Contacting a girl that you hurt just because you feel like it. Maybe you are bored in your marriage and feel the need to spice things up, but this is not the way.

r3nu4l

Stay away. You are married with kids and you should be putting time into trying to make your marriage more romantic and fulfilling.

It sounds to me as though you regret a lot of what happened between you and want to be sure she is happy etc but to be honest there comes a time when we all have to be big enough and draw a line under the past no matter how many regrets we want to fix.

Donegal Lass

leave well enough alone! it could potentially ruin your marriage!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback, it's pretty much what I was thinking anyway.

I think r3nu4l got it spot on. I do regret the things I did at that time but I am happy with what has happened in my life. It is one of things I find hard to take in life though. In a situation like this you would really like to try to rebuild some kind of bridge but the mess that that might create could burn other bridges and hurt other people.

loismustdie

there's no bridge to rebuild, your wife an family are the only infrastructure you should concern yourself with. was your ex a better friend than your wife? if so you'd want to recheck things in your head, imho anyway

5starpool

Ah sure what harm can it do?

Oh wait, lots!! It could lead to places you would deny wanting now, but deep doiwn you convince yourself there are reasons to do until it has got out of hand.

Most likely though she has a different email address for whatever reason and would be a waste of time anyways.

~nop~

Heya i kind of want to go against the general consensus here and say if it's just to check how her life has turned out, why not. You only live once afterall.

However if you feel that this will rekindle your old feelings, your feelings are still alive, or it will effect in anyway your relationship with your wife or kids then you definatly shouldn't do it. The grass is always greener remember. You also might find that she is not happily married with kids ets, and you have to remember she is not your responsibility at all anymore, it's not up to you to console her for mistakes you both made.

In reterospect maybe the cons outweigh the pros.

Petey2006

Putting aside the fact that you're now married with your own family, and from what you've said about the way you ended contact the last time, this is not a good idea.
I have an ex who I broke up with. I regret the way I ended things, it was a messy break up, and I often thought of trying to make ammends. I ran into her last year. We hadn't seen each other in about 5 years. I went up to her and was all friendly and asked her how she was, with the honest goal of just patching up the somewhat bitter break up we had. She was fairly cold and indifferent and the past clearly was an issue for her. That ended my desire to try and be friends again. Although if she approached me now, I'd still love to get to know her again. But basically, it's no longer an issue.
I think you'll find that what you want, wont happen if you contact her. Leave the past in the past. No point in opening old wounds.

Beruthiel

~nop~ wrote:

Heya i kind of want to go against the general consensus here and say if it's just to check how her life has turned out, why not.

Because maybe she wants to be left alone to get on with her life.
Maybe she doesn't need him stirring up the past and bring up old feelings better left there.
Because I doubt very much his wife would be too happy with him calling up old ex's.
Because it's a can of worms.

Marksie

I was looking at the friends reunited site a year or two ago and found my first ever girlfriend on it.
I considered contacting, looked at the fact she was married with two kids. I didn't it would not be fair and the past is tha past.

We had not had contact for 20 years... so it would not have been a wise thing to do.

Miss Fluff

whatdoyouthink wrote:

For instance, my main interest is in multilingualism and my own children are growing up with three languages. She was brought as a bilingual Finnish/Swedish but I didn't even ask her so much about this at the time. Now I would burn her ear off about this. Another example is with films. I had very little interest in arthouse films after I last met her and now it is a major interest of mine.

Let me see, how can I but this diplomatically? I can't. OK, well, the above is the biggest heap of horse-sh1t I think I ever read.:rolleyes: Get yourself a penpal if that's the case.

You say you love this woman, you think of her every day since you were together. You have obviously been married for six years and I'm sure in your heart of hearts a little bit of excitement wouldn't go astray. Contacting this girl is so not a good idea on so many levels. Just because you crave some thrills right now, not a good idea to go and disrupt her life. Unfortunately you shall have to view her as the one that got away.

LegacyUser

'

Miss Fluff wrote:

You say you love this woman, you think of her every day since you were together. QUOTE]

I don't remember saying I love her, how can you love somebody you haven't been in touch with for ten years?

Still though, thanks for the advice because any idea I had about it being an okay thing to do is firmly gone! Very sobering advice indeed...........'

LegacyUser

Quit splittin hairs with Miss Fluff.
Miss Fluff is alway right.

How will I put this nicely ?
Let's see.

Are U a bit of a Tool ?
Or - a Plonker ?
Or - both ?

Just - leave the woman alone.
U made your bed. U said U are now happy.
So - lie in it and stop being annoying.

Bob the Builder

Beruthiel wrote:

Leave the woman alone and get on with making your life with your family.
Some things should be left in the past, this is defo one of them.

Beruthiel is making sense today for some reason! Agreed! If you re kindle with an ex, the you will probably end up having an affair...

...Get a picture of her from when you were together,have a deep look at it, and throw it in the fire... and then throw that whole album where it belongs, in the fire...

Appreciate that what you need, you have, and Live without what you want that you dont need.

A good way to forget about someone is to remember all their bad habits, spend a couple of nights having nightmares about it, and soon enough you will live to hate her...

LegacyUser

'It sounds lime me now. (but from her point of view)

Leave her alone. You just want to get in contact to satisfy yourself, not for her benifit. You want to make a new special friend again. that's not fair. Don't go stirring up **** just because you want a warmer pillow at night.

Maybe take up a new hobby :-('

iguana

Another aspect is, what if she hasn't met someone else, is divorced or her life isn't going to plan in some other way. You contacting her and telling her all about your happy life with your wife and too kids might seem cruel. Of course her life might be going great, but you can't actually know that.

ELLIEJ

How ridiculous.... If you thought this was a good idea you would not be posting on here looking for people to justify it for you.

If its as innocent as you say it is why dont you ask your wife's opinion......

Grow up, live with your choice, learn from your mistakes i.e. do not treat another woman badly (including your wife) and move on.