German humour

connundrum

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that
their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange
men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes,
she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

fred funk }{

...........I think.

Plug

Quality!

Endasaurus

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.


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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

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Man 1: Knock, Knock

Man 2: Who's there?

Man 1: It's me Johnny.

Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

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What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.

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A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

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Knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

****, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.

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What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.

---

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

---

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

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How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

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So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.

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A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.

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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

" Would you like an ice pack? "

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Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!
"

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A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

---

A man walks into a bar

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

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Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

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Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.

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A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

_____________________________

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

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A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."

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What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.

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Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

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What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

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What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What do the Chinese call Chinese Food?

Food....

Capt'n Midnight

Endasaurus wrote:

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

.

AMHRASACH

. . the thing about Cherman food is . . no matter how much you eat, one hour later & you're hungry for power . .