stalker

Nmeol

Hi,
i have a friend who was going out with a chap for a few months and broke up with him a couple of weeks back. Since then he has followed her to the pub, locked her in his apartment, tried to check her phone, accused her of cheating on him (when they were together), threatened to kill himself, called her and me and some other friends all sorts of names under the sun, chased us home after the pub, sent vicious texts, rings at all times, calls to her mothers house and cries at her etc....
On Saturday night he assaulted (slapped) her twice, hit her new boyfriend (of one week), and his sister slapped her as well. All attacks were unprovoked and he was actually holding another girls hand when he hit her the first time!
Anyway that's just a bit of background story.
The thing is last Saturday was the last straw but we can't persuade my friend to report these incidences. There were plenty of witnesses and like i said the attacks are unprovoked. Now she says that she is not going to go out and hopes that it will all just go away. We have tried but there is no budging her.
Has anyone had any similar experiences and any advice as to how we can persuade her to go to the police about him. If he had hit me i would have gone but he didn't. My friend is so scared, can't stop crying and can't eat and is terrified in her own home and jumps everytime her phone rings

any responses would be appreciated
thanks in advance.

Silverfish

Can you report him to the guards?

I think he's done enough involving you to warrant it.

_Kaiser_

Yep. Get the cops involved.

Also tell her to change her number.

Nmeol

i could i suppose
i'd rather she did it tho
cos she is usually such a strong woman i hate to see him get to her like this
i'm compiling a list of the various times that i know of that he contacted her and me.
The worst he's done to me is called me names and followed me home but when i threatened him with the police he backed off
i just wish she would do the same because both he and his sister assaulted her and i don't understand how she can just take it
specially when she has a lovely new boyfriend and supportive friends
sigh!

chuci

try to talk her into it and if not report him to the guards for what he done to you and then mention that he is hassling your frind too they will approach her.she should really report this

Black Swan

Too bad there isn't someone around like the "Equalizer" you could call from the old telly series? Seriously, you need to convince her to go to the gardai! (Or just maybe you could position yourself in range to get slapped and go to them yourself? Naaaa, not really! The gardai needs to get involved)

LegacyUser

a friend of mine was going out with a guy for about 4 years and he used to beat the living daylights out of her aswell as putting her down emotionally,he really messed her head up to thhe degree where she was cutting herself to deal with this. they wer living together and she finally decided to break free and get rid of him.
he followed her around after that even when she called to my house we would look out and he would be there. we ran into him one night when we were out having a few drinks and he cornered me on the way to the loo,threatening me and whatever.i told him to get lost and leave us alone and exactly what i thought of him aswell,stupid maybe,but this was my friend he was hurting.that was grand.the same thing then ringing her at all hours was goin on.he haunted her so much that she caved in and went back to him.
fast forward about a month and we were out on a girls night out,we were having a brilliant time and then he shows up,d same thing following her around.i completely ignore him after him threatining me the last time.i get up to go to the loo and he grabs me by the throat and pins me to the table behind me threatening to kill me,only for someone behind me pulled him off he might just have succeeded.
we ring the guards but at the end of the day they couldnt do anythin cause we were in a dark club and no one wanted to get involved.the only thiing they could do was caution him.im not blaming the guards or anythin ,but god when you try do somethin about it its like gettin a slap bak in the face!i dunno what kind of advice to give you but no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse,i think your friend had a lucky escape of only bein with him for a few months, but hes still tormenting her,i think she should keep a record of whats goin on and report it to the gardai at least cause you just dont know what people are capable of these days.
sorry dont know if this has helped at all but i hope so.

Nmeol

we spent the whole afternoon/evening trying to get her to go to the garda station but it was no use
i think i will drop into the station tomorrow and see what they think
a caution from a garda would definitely soften his cough for him

Victor

Slapping her in public was probably a breach of the peace and probably doesn't need the complaint to come from her.

Please do not advocate violence.

dame

Definitely involve the guards.

If he slapped her or anyone else in a premises that has CCTV (or does so in the future) then I would go to the manager/owner and request that they save that tape as evidence to show the gardaí. Lots of places tape over the next day or a few days later.

Nmeol

v. funny blue lagoon ha ha i had actually thought of that sat night
but things happened so quickly. If he had a slapped me i would've been up in the garda station last night no debating but that's me
i will try and talk to her again tomorrow and see what the gards say
fingers crossed there will be something i / they can do

chuci

what else is stupid is that the guards cant put in a special request to get a no blocked to your phone i tried that when one of my exs wouldnt stop hassling me i asked them and they said ther was nothing they could do.in the end had to change my no. ask the guards can they block the no from both her phone and yours if not then your friend anyway should def change her no it makes life that little bit easier

dame

But keep any texts or phone messages he leaves obviously. Evidence always helps.

Nmeol

yep she has all the texts saved and voice messages he's left
and is compiling as much as she can remember
he doesn't have my number - thank god
And absolutely violence is not the way to go about things
she didn't retaliate at all last night - no one from our group did
they were coming to us - idiots

Nmeol

similarstory

thanks for that
it's unfortnunate that the gards couldn't have been more help in your case
we should have stood closer to the bouncers last night they would have sorted him out but then they only put people outside they can't control what happens on the street
yer man's sister hit her on the street
dunno bout breach of the peace
definitely assault alright

Black Swan

Nmeol wrote:

v. funny blue lagoon ha ha i had actually thought of that sat night
but things happened so quickly. If he had a slapped me i would've been up in the garda station last night no debating but that's me
i will try and talk to her again tomorrow and see what the gards say
fingers crossed there will be something i / they can do

Well, I had a stalker once in Dub, so I can identify with your friend's problem. Document and then get your friend to the garda station.

Red Alert

A report of a crime can be made by anyone, not just the victim of it. If somebody assaulted me, I would be down to the feds very quickly - it wouldn't matter who the person was.

I like the fact that after the breakup she has taken the time to realise her miskakes and get over him in a week !!

Nmeol

hey Dre as in Dray, she only went out with him since the end of October and finished it on the 5th of Jan. She met someone new last weekend. I think fir dues to her if she move on - he can't but that doesn't warrant what happened - wasn't like they were engaged or it was a long-term living together kinda thing.

I know that she needs to move on but she also needs to learn from the situation. I have seen first hand this kind of situation. Same thing happend to a friend of mine. In the last 6 years the longest she has gone single is 2 weeks !!
Due to this she lost sight of what she actually wanted and it became a habit. She then met one guy who was supposed to be "very nice" he ended up being psycotic, police had to be called and so on. Problem was there , she was going out with him not because she wanted to but because she had a need to go out with somebody. He could see it and this fed his already needy nature pushing it to a point of stalking.
She got out of this relationship much to the relief of us. But jumped into a new relationship with another guy because he wasnt as bad as the first. But this new guy was still bad and she couldnt see its as she was still blinded by the first one. She found herself in the same situation again . Eventually she has learned the error of her ways but i see this too often. Over needy guys going out with girls that dont need them. Its like dynamite !!

Caliden

Tell her to get a diary and make a note of the time,date and what he does to her. If she finally does go to the garda she has it to back up herself.

Nmeol

Been speaking to my mate again this morning
she has changed her number but i can't persuade her to go to the police
will drop by the station tonight and see what they say myself but not holding out any hope

Miss Fluff

Nmeol wrote:

Been speaking to my mate again this morning
she has changed her number but i can't persuade her to go to the police
will drop by the station tonight and see what they say myself but not holding out any hope

I'd advise you to work on your friend. These things RARELY just sort themselves out. If he is willing to be voilent publicly then God only knows what he is capable of in private. Like I say, these situations rarely just go away and oftentimes culminate in something far worse.

I'd also consider something else. I may just get slated for this but here goes. I have known a number of people in a similar situation. No woman WANTS to be or deserves to be hit or assaulted but there are some women out there who will thrive on the drama of it. I'd be concerned that your friend is not taking this seriously enough. All very well saving texts and voice messages but what exactly is she proposing to do with these if she doesn not intend to pursue it any further? Is it to play back to anyone who will listen? Is she seeing how far he is prepared to go? NOT a wise move, I'd urge her to get the cops involved before he really does some damage.

chamlis

Damn good point Miss Fluff. I wouldn't have been brave enough to suggest it. Well done.

Nmeol

no boder Ms. Fluff all angles appreciated - i don't understand myself why she won't go to the cops but she is definitely not getting off on the drama of the situation. she is genuinely upset over the whole thing and has been trying to keep out of his way but he finds her out on a night out and starts on her and always unprovoked. I know it's not wise for her to sit on her laurels but my hands are tied at the mo.

Up date - result!
she was just on and (must be the cold light of day r normailty r i dunno what) she is going to talk to a garda friend of a friend and see what he says and she has also contacted the night club to see if they have any cctv footage from sat night - there are 2 cameras i was down that way already today. Manager knows us but is off work today so she is to contact him tomorrow.

empirix

Actually had something similar happen to me(i.m a bloke), had no less than 3 chicks treathen to commit suicide, if i didn't go back to them, the last of which started following me - down to the pub, in the supermarket etc. Having a breakdown in the supermarket balling her eyes out trying to hug me, seriously out of character for this chick(so i thought!) Freaky experiences and a bit worrying. Basically i found it helps to be nice and understanding towards them but maintain your stance on not getting back, it eventually will iron itself out. The assaulting thin(especially for a man) is well out of order, report him.

StormWarrior

I was stalked for several months by a crazy bloke. He veered between sending me love poems and calling me his sweetie one minute, the next minute telling me how horrible i am for rejecting his advances. He followed me and let me know he was keeping tabs on me. Ignoring him didn't work. In the end I told him if you don't leave me alone I will call the police. That sorted it.

Capt'n Midnight

Nmeol wrote:

locked her in his apartment,

how long for ?
how seriously do the guards treat this sort of thing ?

Nmeol

the night she told him she wanted some "space" he asked her to come up to his apt to talk after pub (about 1am) and wouldn't let her out until about 7.30am in the morning
i know that's false imprisonment but she didn't do anything about that either
i think everytime somthg happened she thought it was the end and that it would just go away after that
anyway
She has been onto the night club and hopefully they will have somthg on cctv
one assault happened in the bar but because no bouncers were around we didn't think they could do anything but the manager tells us that there are 2 cameras on the bar and he is checking them this morning for her and says he will burn anything he has onto disc if she wants it for the gards and will bar him if he can see anything
she says if there is somthg on the cctv she will bring it to the gards

Talliesin

Never give a stalker an inch.

Report, report, report every single incident.

You should also report the incidents involving yourself.