Friend's attitude

LegacyUser

While I'm well aware of how juvenile this problem sounds, it's bothering me and I could do with some advice on how to deal with it with some tact. I have a mate who, truth be told, I'm not getting on too well with at the moment. I haven't discussed anything with her because I think some time to think about it would be better than just blurting out what first pops into my head. I have a few issues and one of them is her attitude towards the people around her, including myself. She can be very insulting sometimes and while I'm capable of laughing it off as a joke when it is a joke, I think repeatedly bringing up the same thing over and over again is a bit much. Recently she's been commenting on my social life and sex life...well actually, she's been at this for some months but it's now that I'm getting really touchy about it. On top of being derisive towards others, she's quite capable of complimenting herself when the opportunity arises. She takes an inordinate amount of pride in her accomplishments and if she gets a compliment from someone she let's everyone know about it.
Now, normally I'd be quite happy to tell someone where to get off but this particular friend has some serious self-confidence issues so I'd like to find a way to tell her to knock it off but at the same time not cause a major argument. I'm worried that if I approach this in the wrong way we'll fall out and as annoyed as I am at her at the moment I'd like to keep our friendship alive. Any suggestions as to a tactful solution would be appreciated. Thanks.

Dalfiatach

I'm not sure there is a tactful solution. She's obviously extremely insecure. This is why she feels the need to bum about herself and belittle others.

She'll never change, at least until she finally gets over her self-esteem issues and learns to accept herself.

So you have to a) find a way to get to the bottom of her raging insecurity and fix it (impossible unless you happen to be a trained therapist) b) walk away or c) grin and bear it.

Sorry. Not very helpful. But I honestly think this girl sounds so insecure that any attempt by you to raise these issues of inappropriate and/or hurtful behaviour - and it does sound like inappropriate behaviour, it's no fun to be constantly belittled in front of others by a so-called friend - will be seen by her as a vicious personal attack...

The real question you should be asking is why you feel the need to stay "friends" with someone who is rude to and about you in front of others.

Carrigart Exile

You can put your point without being hurtful. Next time she raises your social/sex life tell her simply to stop it, it hurts you (maybe she doesn't appreciate that).

We had a woman (in her 50s) in our office who sounds identical to your friend. When she started we used to say 'surprise us [name], say something nice about someone' in a jokey fashion. This became the office mantra, however, and she eventually got the message

Blitzkrieger

Most people grow out of stuff like that. Maybe if you can bring it to her attention without making it look like a witch hunt she'll improve.

LegacyUser

Blitzkrieger wrote:

Maybe if you can bring it to her attention without making it look like a witch hunt she'll improve.

That's exactly what I want to do, it's the "how" that's got me stumped.

Dalfiatach wrote:

The real question you should be asking is why you feel the need to stay "friends" with someone who is rude to and about you in front of others.

At the moment I'm really not too sure about that. Bear in mind that this is only one aspect of her personality and she does have many good aspects (although at the moment I'm so annoyed that I'd have a hard time putting together a list). I really don't want to make any hasty decisions, like ending our friendship over this but I'm not about to "grin and bear it" either because I really shouldn't have to. Part of the problem is that I've found in certain situations telling her that her attitude or actions are causing a problem doesn't work, she has to be told repeatedly for it to sink in and since I don't like having to have the same conversation over and over I usually just end up getting pissed off after a few attempts and biting my tongue until I snap.

Carrigart Exile wrote:

We had a woman (in her 50s) in our office who sounds identical to your friend. When she started we used to say 'surprise us [name], say something nice about someone' in a jokey fashion. This became the office mantra, however, and she eventually got the message

This is something I may try alright, I just hope my patience doesn't run out before the message sinks in. Thanks for the advise.

biko

My 2 cents: You should both be sober when you're talking to her.
Only address the issue that she is talking you down, don't bother with the self compliments.
You need a few examples to talk around.
Tell her that her carry makes you upset and sad and that you want it to stop.

She may not be aware of this problem or may think that pointing out other peoples shortcomings is amusing for everyone.

I_and_I

Well the way I see it is as her friend, and you sound like you really do care for her you should tell here the way it is and leave tact aside because its not going to help her self-confidence when all her friends drop her because she insults them chronically.

Black Swan

Bah! wrote:

Any suggestions as to a tactful solution would be appreciated. Thanks.

Empathy (try to put yourself in her shoes) and honesty.

Carrigart Exile

Bah! wrote:

While I'm well aware of how juvenile this problem sounds, it's bothering me and I could do with some advice on how to deal with it with some tact. I have a mate who, truth be told, I'm not getting on too well with at the moment. I haven't discussed anything with her because I think some time to think about it would be better than just blurting out what first pops into my head. I have a few issues and one of them is her attitude towards the people around her, including myself. She can be very insulting sometimes and while I'm capable of laughing it off as a joke when it is a joke, I think repeatedly bringing up the same thing over and over again is a bit much. Recently she's been commenting on my social life and sex life...well actually, she's been at this for some months but it's now that I'm getting really touchy about it. On top of being derisive towards others, she's quite capable of complimenting herself when the opportunity arises. She takes an inordinate amount of pride in her accomplishments and if she gets a compliment from someone she let's everyone know about it.
Now, normally I'd be quite happy to tell someone where to get off but this particular friend has some serious self-confidence issues so I'd like to find a way to tell her to knock it off but at the same time not cause a major argument. I'm worried that if I approach this in the wrong way we'll fall out and as annoyed as I am at her at the moment I'd like to keep our friendship alive. Any suggestions as to a tactful solution would be appreciated. Thanks.

Have you tried switching the tears on next time she has a go. That will let her see how much she hurts.