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Can't Handle Having A Girlfriend

  • 31-01-2007 08:53PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok, well I just got off the phone from my girlfriend...and for the one millionth time, I have all these jealous thoughts in my mind and it's getting to breaking point...please, tell me, am i paranoid or am i an idiot? (I know I'm going to regret asking this question because part of me dosen't want to know and part of me already knows the answer)

    Ok, so going out with my girlfriend for just over a year and I think it's safe to say we're pretty srious about eachother...we talk about a long future together all trhe time and I don't doubt for a second she loves me and I love her too. I would hate to break up with her / have to break up with her, but if I'm being honest, I DON'T TRUST HER!

    I think like most people in a relationship you hear things you don't like from your girlfriends past such as stuff about ex-boyfriends, other people she's slept with etc., nobody likes to hear these things, yet sometimes couples talk about it when learning about there partner. Now I'm not exactly the most trusting guy in the world (i.e. Naieve) but I'm also not completely distrusting (i.e. really possesive) and I often encourage her to go out with friends and have fun when I'm not around and have no problem doing so...but sometimes it plays on my mind what's going on, basicly because I'm not sure I trust her and I think I have reason not to, but how can I ever be sure?? I'll let you make up your own minds, so bearing all this in mind, please give me an objective point of view on a couple of things that have been playing on my mind recently...

    Ok so mostly 2 things:

    The first, a few years ago she went to america for the summer and met an Irish guy over there who she was with for a while (couple of months maybe) not going out, but may as well have been if you know what I mean, I know all this because she told me she was with a guy (as in seeing him) over there for a couple of months so I filled in the gaps..

    Now this guy is from Mayo, and herself and her friends were all very good friends with him and his friends, and all this information I know from an off hand conversation before so she probably dosen't remember the conversation or would have forgotten about it in later times when we talk, but for some reason it stuck in my mind...and whenever she talk about them (not often at all, but has been mentioned once or twice) she always sais they are great craic really funny and great fun etc...

    I knew about the Mayo lads before, but never knew she was seeing one over there untill later in out relationship, but earlier on (before I knew) I remember they were in Dublin (when me and girlfriend were together about 6 months) and her and her friend went out with him and his friend in town and partied in town till very early in the morning and were SH*T faced (even according to herself) when they were out...

    So my mind wonders, what might have happend? Old flame, out together in town drunk, havn't seen eachother in ages, wont see eachother in ages...have an ould snog? Also, I have no idea where she slept that night...as in I would be none the wiser if she had stayed in these guys hotel or something...

    Was her friend who was with her seeing the other guy who was out seeing eachother in the US (i.e. Double date?)

    And the reason for typing this message...when just on the phone, randomly, i was telling her about a friend of mine who met a girl from mayo on a night out in mayo and hooked up, got on really well but he wasn't going to keep in touch with her because she lives in mayo, too far and stuff...so I told her (my girlfriend) that I advised my friend to deffeanatly go for it! Who cares if she lives in mayo!!

    As soon as I said it, she kind of said a "hmm", kind of different to how she normally would when agreeing with me, more like agreeing with me but really thinking about or i hit a soft cord or something...It wasn't untill that second I thought of the mayo lad...

    Now, if she kissed him, honestly, it wouldn't be the end of the world, a drunked kiss, big deal, but i can't stop thinking "does she still have feelings for this guy?" and worst of all "did she sleep with him that night?"

    I keeping running things over in my head..am i taking little snippets of conversations we've had over time and taking little bits from each to paint a picture and I've copped it! Caught her out? Or am i reading too much into it, misreading past conversations and putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5??

    That's Problem A

    Problem B:

    A while back, when we were together about 8 months, she was going out with friends (she always hangs around with the same 5 or 6 girls on nights out, and in U.S. together and stuff) so I said go out with her friends have fun, I couldn't go out, but I'd be in my house later and she can come over after if she wants...She agreed and said she would.

    Night went normal enough, nothing out of the ordinary, untill I heard nothing around the time she was supposed to call her at, so I rang her. Was talking to her briefly, she was very drunk and with hr friends (would be none the wiser if there were guys there) and she said she was going to get food, which she normally does anyway, and said she'd ring me back.......half an hour, nothing....I call her and she said she was on the street with someone, she said some guys name, and she was looking for the girls or something...at this point I was getting very anxious (but not showing it over the phone) and said just get in a taxi and come over and she said, either she was going to try and find the girls or going home to get money for the taxi, i can't remember...now at this point i have to say she NEVER takes money off me and it would not be unusual for her to get money to come over or go out, she'd never let me give her money (lets me buy her stuff all the time though :)), so as far as i can remember she said she'd call back or I said I'd call her back...

    Sometime later I call her back and she's in her house, but I felt she was acting or talking weird, I dont know what it was, maybe anxiouty in her voice (am i being paranoind, reading into it too much?) but thinking back, it was eerely quiet in the background too.. (no music or TV) and she said she was going to look for money in her room and would give me a shout back...

    Sometime passes, again i call her, she said she couldnt find money and i kept saying i'll give it to you, you can pay me back, but no, wouldn't let me, again, very quiet in background...phone hangs up!!

    I call back, very flusterd again, she's not really saying anything, kind of shifty then phone hangs up again...I call back..it's off!!

    So, I confront her the next day...she said she was really drunk and doesn't remember talking to me in her room when she hung up...said she was in bed and must have turned off her phone casue she was trying to sleep in a drunken haze or whatever...

    Now, in fairness, she was very convincing when giveing this story, and she even said, wow! that did look dodgy, she's really sorry and all and the guy she was on the street with was some friend who ... and then gave a convincing story for that too, can't really remember, but thought it was fair enough...think I've met him since (not sure) and he's, not being bad, a minger, so if that was him i feel a bit better! haha!

    But what's running around in my head from this is: Was she with a guy? Did she bring him home?? Did she sleep with him??? Was he there beside her wharn I was talking to her???? Were they in bed together when I was talking to her and turned off her phone to have / continue to have sex with him?????????

    I cant stop thinking these things and I'm going mental thinking about it...

    What do you think?

    And remember my version of events might be slightly biased, but im giving a fair reflection of how everything appeared to me...

    That's a load off my mind just to see all these thoughts trapped in my mind on a page infront of me...thanks a million for reading and please give fair honest opinions and dont pressume for the sake of it and dont call her a slut or a slapper if you think she cheated...

    Thanks for help


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,947 ✭✭✭D-Generate


    Whats the male version of a bunny boiler? Well you're it!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 742 ✭✭✭easyontheeye


    I suppose being naturally jealous doesnt help in your situation because you are naturally going to dramatise every little sign or signal you get from her that makes you feel uncomfortable.

    on the other hand, only you know your girlfriend and if you feel at certain times she acts differently or behaves in a way that she normally would not, then you may be right OR extremely wrong. theres always a reason why someone acts anxious or flustered, be it a for a reason you think i.e. shes lying to you or be it something else.

    go with your gut feeling and have a chat with her (dont mention your jealous) say to her you were acting funny last night or something, see how she responds.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,943 ✭✭✭BeardyGit


    That post is the biggest mental puke I've read in a very long time.

    Carry on the way you're going kiddo and she'll have nothing but a legitimate reason to look elsewhere. In fact, If I knew her, I'd encourage her to go have some fun with someone who won't have an aneurism every time he thinks of her past. You realise she's probably had sex with another guy too, don't you. What do you think of that now bucko?

    I'm not trying to be mean. But you need more than a 'there there', and you bloody well know it. Stop acting like a 13 year old, will you?

    You're immature, insecure, jealous and needy.

    Well, that's what I think. And you did ask.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    I think you should talk to her.

    Her behaviour does seem a bit strange on the night she was out, so I'd definitely ask her about that. I wouldn't worry about the guy from Mayo business at all really.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,509 ✭✭✭✭randylonghorn


    and for the one millionth time, I have all these jealous thoughts in my mind and it's getting to breaking point...please, tell me, am i paranoid or am i an idiot?
    I haven't made up my mind yet! :D

    Seriously, mate, jealousy is an acid that will eat away at any relationship. I know no-one can say "OK, I won't be jealous anymore", but you need to work on it.

    Maybe I missed something in your post, but I can honestly see feck all for you to be jealous about. You're looking at a couple of bits of circumstantial evidence, and editing together a porn film in your mind. That kind of imagination could be very useful in other circumstances, but you're definitely misusing it!! :D

    For your own sake and hers, cop on to yourself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    so how many times did you ring the woman on "problem B" night? No wonder she turned her phone off.

    I think it's interesting that you equate naive with trusting near the top of the post? The two are not at all the same thing and my own opinion is that you don't know what trusting someone is about. From what you have said, there is not one single thing this woman has done that suggests she shouldn't be trusted? I get the feeling that if she lived as a hermit on a remote island (off Mayo or not) you would still find reasons to be suspicious.

    You need to decide how to progress from here. What can you do to overcome your insecurity/jealousy/overactive imigination?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,706 ✭✭✭craichoe


    Ok, so going out with my girlfriend for just over a year and I think it's safe to say we're pretty srious about eachother...we talk about a long future together all trhe time and I don't doubt for a second she loves me and I love her too. I would hate to break up with her / have to break up with her, but if I'm being honest, I DON'T TRUST HER!

    Thanks for help

    Ok ... some real contradictions in that paragraph.

    Seriously though, your your own worst enemy, if she was going to cheat then she will and you wont be able to stop her. If you find out shes cheating then dump her and move on, do not talk to her again or give her a second chance.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,368 ✭✭✭king_of_inismac


    Ok, you came on here to get some advice, and thats a good first step:

    You could break up with her, meet another girl and the same problem will happen again (I think if you think about it, you'd probably agree with me).

    so you've two choices:
    1. Be jealous, and let it destroy this, and every other relationship you will have

    or

    2. Trust her, and hope to overcome your jealousy, giving your relationship a good shot.

    So how do you overcome jealousy? Trust her. Think of all the great times you've had over the last year, and how deeply you love her. PLUS realise how insignificant her night out with the "mayo lads" is. Sure she might have fun, get drunk and have a laugh, but its so insignificant when you compare it with the relationship you have with her.

    Let her do her thing, and let this relationship be a learning experience, allowing you to get rid of the unwanted jealously once and for all!

    Best of luck mate!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Petey2006


    Dude, I once had a girlfriend who had a guy in her past that caused me a little concern. They had broken up after a holiday relationship, but she still wanted to travel to see him. She told me it was over and what have you but I was still paranoid. I beat myself up over it again and again while she said 'he lives abroad. It's over' and other such proclamations. Soon, I found a way of dealing with it.
    Do you want to know a sure-fire way of making yourself feel better? It's a little out-there, a little whacky, a little mad. But if you try it, you will feel a whole lot better.. here goes... LEARN TO TRUST HER. You say that you love each other. If this is true, then you're the one who's going to have to make a change. You're going to have to get over your paranoia. It's tough, but if you want the relationship to survive, you're going to have to get over yourself. This paranoia will build and build until you get to the point where you destroy the relationship, not her.

    As for the drunken incident... we all act differently while intoxicated. You ever tried to have a serious conversation while drunk? Especially with someone who's being paranoid about what you're doing? I'm not surprised she turned off her phone after you kept ringing her. And seriously, you're looking WAY too much into the lack of music and television in the background. I mean, maybe, just maybe she didn't want to wake everyone in the house? Dude, get over it. You're only causing yourself a lot of unnecessary grief.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,769 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    Relationships live on trust. You either trust her or you don't. Make up your mind. If you trust her, show it ... chill out and stop this second guessing business. If not, break up and move on.


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  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Evie Bewildered Snot


    Gil_Dub wrote:
    That post is the biggest mental puke I've read in a very long time.

    Carry on the way you're going kiddo and she'll have nothing but a legitimate reason to look elsewhere. In fact, If I knew her, I'd encourage her to go have some fun with someone who won't have an aneurism every time he thinks of her past. You realise she's probably had sex with another guy too, don't you. What do you think of that now bucko?

    I'm not trying to be mean. But you need more than a 'there there', and you bloody well know it. Stop acting like a 13 year old, will you?

    You're immature, insecure, jealous and needy.

    Well, that's what I think. And you did ask.

    I very much second this.
    OP: oh noes, she gets drunk and hangs around with an ex. I have friends who are exes. I don't get it on with them. I have 0 interest in any of them physically.

    You're right, you can't handle a girlfriend - but it's absolutely and entirely your own fault, not hers. Do her a favour and either get over it, explain some of this rubbish to her, and/or leave her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,409 ✭✭✭RobbieTheRobber


    your a freak buddy

    FACT.

    Most self proclaimed free speech absolutists are giant big whiny snowflakes!



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    RobbieTheRobber, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
    Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
    Have a nice day.
    Thaedydal


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    OP, you have many insecurities and confidence issues that you need to work on. I know because when I was younger, I was you! (Not literally of course :D).

    It takes time and work but is worth it. The key is to recognise the thought pattern when it starts and focus yourself away from it. It's not "ignoring the problem", it's retraining your mindset and it's a very important thing to do.

    Problem A, in my eyes, is not a problem at all.
    Problem B may or may not be. All I know is that Ive done and said some totally irrational and stupid things when I've been very drunk (not played away or anything, just stupid). When I've been asked why I did them (mostly in my youth or very early twenties) I've honestly been stuck for words and evasive simply because I don't know why I did those things :D These days I'm a bit older and hopefully wiser to go with it :)

    Anyway, when you find yourself beginning to brood on these things, occupy your mind immediately. Try writing out a list of all the countries you can think of off the top of your head. Write down a large word and see how many words of four letters or more you can get.

    e.g. microscope

    scope
    rope
    mope (don't be moping! :))
    pose
    rose... (you get the idea)

    Read a book, try a crossword or a sudoku.

    The key is to stop allowing yourself to dwell on these things. When you've finished that think about all the great things about your girlfriend, about a good day out you had. That way you associate those old negative feelings with the good aspects of your relationship.

    IF you are at home on your own while she's out enjoying herself, make it a night of your own or invite some male friends over. Watch a movie that your gf would never watch with you, have a few beers etc. Have a good night yourself.

    Don't worry about it too much, just don't allow those thoughts to crowd you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 938 ✭✭✭chuci


    t normal to be a little jealous in a relationship if your better half is out having fun without you etc.but seriously you need to calm down and relax seriously you will push her away with this irrational behaviour if you were my boyfriend and you started acting like You are you would be shown the door very quickly. must sat i agree with gill dub comment. cop yourself on if you dont she prob will just cheat on you or leave.why are with a girl you dont trust in the first place? i guess speak to her about the whole thing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40 summerwine


    First of all I'm the opposite of a jealous guy. All my ex girlfriends have been totally trustworthy and I have never had a problem with them. From my eyes and how you explained it sounds a little weird to say the least. (However I have never sat up waiting for my gf like you have). The best advice I can give you is talk about these issues, Say your problems(weaknesses) and if shes a good communicator, she will tell you hers. You could find out she had a very jealous bf in the past and this is how she deals with it! Or she just got very drunk!

    Its sounds that you have a good grasp of empathy in you and you are trying to be understanding. Be carefull about reading into things and leading to assumpitons!!!!! Someone once told me and its very true, Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see! Be Calm!! I'm 27 and only starting to understand this saying, theres alot in it!!

    Best of luck, :D

    summerwine


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40 summerwine


    And by the way everyone that has posted previously, you are judging this young man as its his fault. What if it turns out she is doing the dirt! You'd all feel like right tools then!


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Evie Bewildered Snot


    summerwine wrote:
    And by the way everyone that has posted previously, you are judging this young man as its his fault. What if it turns out she is doing the dirt! You'd all feel like right tools then!
    No I'd think too bad, but doesn't justify contant paranoia in any case.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40 summerwine


    Ok apart from bluewolf who doesn't have a consience!

    I know and sorry in advance! I'm expecting a sarky response. And I probably deserve it!

    wino


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Ok people giving you a lot of sh|t here but jealousy is normal.

    One thing that stood out here big time for me. I'm friends with a lot of girls who've had/have possessive boyfriends - One big problem they have is this
    A while back, when we were together about 8 months, she was going out with friends (she always hangs around with the same 5 or 6 girls on nights out, and in U.S. together and stuff) so I said go out with her friends have fun, I couldn't go out, but I'd be in my house later and she can come over after if she wants...She agreed and said she would.

    Night went normal enough, nothing out of the ordinary, untill I heard nothing around the time she was supposed to call her at, so I rang her

    In these scenarios let them ring you. If you really want text & say "how's the night going, pop over after if it suits-I'll be heading to sleep about X o clock"

    Ringing puts her under pressure, distracts her from her nights out & makes her resentful of you. Also your Freudian slip I've bolded is rather apt.

    I reckon just convince yourself nothing is going on. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE, THE MORE JEALOUS YOU SEEM THE MORE LIKELY SHE IS TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. TAKE YOUR CHANCES AND ACT COOL


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 56 ✭✭ELLIEJ


    I find your post scary and intense and I dont even know you.

    I would say this girl is doing nothing wrong - is this what you wanted to hear and the reason you posted? Is your decision on how to take this forward based on the posts you get here??? If so, you are barking up the wrong tree. You need to make a judgement based on your knowledge of her, yourself and the opinions of people who know both of you not random strangers on a website.....

    I do think you are overly possessive and you will lose her if you continue like this. She is entitled to go out as often as she wants with her friends, she is entitled to have male friends and she is entitled to meet ex's. To be honest, you dont sounds mature enough to be in a serious relationship. If you do love her, maybe you should do her a favour and let her find someone who loves and TRUSTS her to be herself.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Evie Bewildered Snot


    summerwine wrote:
    Ok apart from bluewolf who doesn't have a consience!

    I know and sorry in advance! I'm expecting a sarky response. And I probably deserve it!

    wino
    Saying constant paranoia isn't justified means I have no conscience? How exactly did you get to that?


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    yes, you are a complete idiot break up with the girl now. i will bet you a €1,000.00 that you will the one the one cheat, because you are so convinced she is/or will do it anyway, so you have to get in there first. i suggest you break up with this girl before she hates you


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Petey2006


    irishbird wrote:
    yes, you are a complete idiot break up with the girl now. i will bet you a €1,000.00 that you will the one the one cheat, because you are so convinced she is/or will do it anyway, so you have to get in there first. i suggest you break up with this girl before she hates you


    Why is there no gibberish-English option on babelfish?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 Spondulick


    Petey2006 wrote:
    Why is there no gibberish-English option on babelfish?

    lol.


    Tbh it does sound a bit suspect. You should tell her how you feel and that paranoia is reking your head. If she cares about you she will be understanding and try to put you at ease more often. Bottling this up will only make things worse, and as the babbling one said, she may come to hate you for it.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    irishbird
    Petey2006
    Spondulick

    Keep to helpful, on topic comments or don't post at all.
    B


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 232 ✭✭Angeles


    irishbird wrote:
    yes, you are a complete idiot break up with the girl now. i will bet you a €1,000.00 that you will the one the one cheat, because you are so convinced she is/or will do it anyway, so you have to get in there first. i suggest you break up with this girl before she hates you

    I disagree with this attitude, all he's doing is over-analysing the situations, not mis-treating the girl.

    OP did you have any past mis-treatment by any chance?
    You sound like you have a very similer mind set to myself and tend to analyse even the small things, but i've spent ALOT of time analysing why i do that.... "intresting turn of events ehh"
    Fact is i relised a few things in time, 1 was simply when i was younger, a couple of girls i had been with i had dumped because of them cheating on me, it actully threw of my trust of women in general from earlie on, even those i may love.
    I've also recently relised a few things from reading these boards in regards to that trust, and its risk.

    Do youself a favour and play the risk.
    Relise that loving and trusting someone requires a high amount of risk and it could lead to alot of pain, but thats also the reason relationships work, because both of you take that risk.
    You have alot of time togeather in your favour and could be very strong.

    Try not to be afraid of being hurt and finding ways to reduce the risk involved.
    You'll work out alot better, if she does do something wrong on you, believe me, you'd find out anyway from herself or others, so no point in presuming.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have to agree with last post. The only one getting hurt is the OP. I completely understand how you feel and ignore those calling you a bunny boiler. Sound like people who's answer to everything is always "Dump her!". NOT HELPFULL GUYS!

    I have been in your situation, it was kinda justified, but like you I kept over analysing and linking conversations with incidents and trying to create puzzle pieces so that it made sense, and I wasn't crazy. Drove me mad and solved nothing. So STOP! for your own sake.

    You could just tell her your insecurities and ask what really happened, and apologise because you don't mean to sound accusatory but just feel a little out of the loop and worried. Tell her that you need to develop a trust and ask of she can be open and make an effort to ease your securities.

    Calm down and be rational. If she freaks out, then I guess you weren't mean't to be.

    Best of luck with it :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    :) Thanks for the replys...

    Reading your comments and then reading back my post...what the hell! You're all correct, I've lost the plot here a bit...I didn't mean to and maybe it is an insecure thing...it's not like girls have ever treated me bad in the past, but with this girl I have been way too posseive and freakishly paranoid recently...I need to chill out!

    I've always been fair to her as in I've never tried to make her feel like I don't trust her, and I do love her...but I dunno, I'll have to see how it goes...thanks for the slap in the face, it wasnt easy to read, but it's what i needed to hear, it has woken me up! :)

    Oh and to the person who said I'd cheat to get in there first, no way...I'd never do that to the girl, when I tell her I love her I mean it...I'd never do that to someone I love.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,881 ✭✭✭Mighty_Mouse


    Mental puke is an apt description!
    untill I heard nothing around the time she was supposed to call her at

    When yer out yer out man, who the feck wants to be thinking about their partner when out partying ?

    Whats the point in a phone call anyways? "i love you too honey"?

    <ps unless to say home safe etc if needs be>

    Dude, yer a freak who seriously needs to relax a bit. I cant see any woman sticking that crap too long.

    Finally, for whatever reason: If you dont trust her = get rid.

    Best solution for both of ye


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