Tormented - do I stay or not?

LegacyUser

Hi guys.

Monday morning and all that. I had a horrible weekend. I am tormented.

I need your advice on something.

I moved in with my boyfriend of 14months about 4 weeks ago. At the time, we didn’t sign a contract – I just paid rent for the month of January.

We always knew we would have to sign a contact, but the landlord was busy etc so in a few days he now wants us to sign the contract (and where I would hand out a months deposit and pay a months rent).

Here is my dilemma, and I am tormented from it. I am not sure now that I want to move in with him. I feel sick and don’t know what to do. I am normally a fairly rational person, but lately my self esteem and self worth has gone way down.

I sometimes feel like he only wants me there to pay the rent – be someone at home when he wants to be there.

I am not happy at all. I am here in work this morning and I feel sick thinking about this.

I don’t know what to do for the best. We have some issues. I feel like I cant trust him sometimes. He is not as dependable as I thought he would be.

I have become a frantic, panicky nervous person. I hate being like this. I was never like this before. I feel my nerves are freyed. I am not sure I want to be with this person. I don’t know what to do.

Faith123

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is not to move in with him. you can't make a decision like that just because you feel pressured. you need to start thinking about yourself. you should only move in with someone if you are 100% sure it is the right think for you.
if you are any way unsure, you know that this is not the right thing for you. Listen to your feelings, and you'll make the right decision.

best of luck....

BeardyGit

It doesn't sound like a healthy place to be, for whatever reason. You need to figure out what's making you feel that way though, and in a hurry.

Sit down and make a quick list of the pro's and con's of living with him, as you would see it.

Be brutally honest and make no excuses. You don't have to tell anyone else what the list is and you really owe it to yourself to be truthful about the positive and negative aspects of your life, particularly if you're feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

Failing that (if it's too much hassle), just go with your gut instinct and do what feels right.

Good luck,

Gil

Beruthiel

Sometimes it can take time to adjust to living with a person for the first time.
Have you discussed your doubts with him?
That should be your first step before deciding what to do next.

I cannot give you any real advice though as you have not given us much to go on.

I am normally a fairly rational person, but lately my self esteem and self worth has gone way down

Do you know the reason for this? If it's to do with him, then I would just pack and leave.

Kell

PleaseHelp.. wrote:

I sometimes feel like he only wants me there to pay the rent – be someone at home when he wants to be there.

Um- what does he do/not do that makes you feel like this? Are you the ONLY one contributing to the rent? What issues have you got in the relationship?

Advice to follow more detail.

K-

Black Swan

Reading your post, I saw someone getting in over their head. Drowning. Not ready to live together with this particular guy. Have you expressed your concerns with him? After talking with him, if you are still not sure, then don't sign. Tell him it's a big step for you and you are not ready yet. It may end the relationship... but if it does, then I really wonder how deep it was in the first place?

LegacyUser

'He first asked me to move in about 7 months into the relationship.
And I told him I wasn’t ready then. I did/do feel ready to move in, Im just not sure about all the s*it that comes with it.

Maybe it is as Beruthiel said and its like a matter of finding your feet. I feel like a lot of boundaries need to be laid down, especially when he is out and I am at home. Is it like this for everyone? Do all/most couples find they have to do this? I don’t want to turn into a controlling psycho. He is always full of energy, wanting to go out or do something or away playing sport or whatever. Kind of panicked I guess at the weekend when I was home alone and he was out.

Im sure lots of men and women have different opinions on this.'

kaalgat

If you don't trust him then why bother? Isn't trust the basis of a good relationship?

If you're not sure and you don't trust him, doesn't that tell you what you want to know?
Why would you commit to something if you were unsure or had bad feelings about it?

dame

PleaseHelp.. wrote:

'He first asked me to move in about 7 months into the relationship.
And I told him I wasn’t ready then. I did/do feel ready to move in, Im just not sure about all the s*it that comes with it.

Are you sure you didn't just say yes this time because you were afraid to tell him again that you weren't ready? If you're not ready, you're not ready. And like last person said....if you can't trust him then there's no point.

Carrigart Exile

PleaseHelp.. wrote:

'He first asked me to move in about 7 months into the relationship.
And I told him I wasn’t ready then. I did/do feel ready to move in, Im just not sure about all the s*it that comes with it.

Maybe it is as Beruthiel said and its like a matter of finding your feet. I feel like a lot of boundaries need to be laid down, especially when he is out and I am at home. Is it like this for everyone? Do all/most couples find they have to do this? I don’t want to turn into a controlling psycho. He is always full of energy, wanting to go out or do something or away playing sport or whatever. Kind of panicked I guess at the weekend when I was home alone and he was out.

Im sure lots of men and women have different opinions on this.'

I suppose you have to ask yourself is it the commitment to him that is troubling you or the financial commitment that requires you to pay a fair chunk of your wages to keep a roof over your head? Did you recently live with your parents? If so, I can see the attraction of returning to that situation, no real financial commitments and plenty of spare cash. I wonder of its financial responsibility that is troubling you more

Beruthiel

PleaseHelp.. wrote:

I feel like a lot of boundaries need to be laid down

Sharing the house work is a good idea. Coming to a decision on how bills should be paid and keeping it equal. If these things aren't sorted out at the beginning it can sometimes become a problem for one or both parties.

especially when he is out and I am at home.

Well, what did you do when you weren't living together and you were alone?
Continue with whatever that was.

Kind of panicked I guess at the weekend when I was home alone and he was out.

Don't you have any mates to hang out with?
I love having the house to myself, means I can sit down and watch any movie I wish.

Kell

PleaseHelp.. wrote:

I feel like a lot of boundaries need to be laid down, especially when he is out and I am at home. I don’t want to turn into a controlling psycho.

I could be wrong, but I am reading that as "if you go out with the lads, dont come home shít faced, please be home by 12.30 and try not to wake me, and oh, please dont look at girls either".

Now, if those are the parameters you are laying down and it were me, you would be gone quicker than I could sneeze with a nostril full of pepper.

Your posts, for some reason, smack of nervousness about what to do about x, y & z. Living with someone isnt really that big a deal, so stop worrying about it.

K-

r3nu4l

Hi OP,

When I first moved in with my gf almost 8 years ago we too had times when we both felt like getting out of the relationship...now we're getting married in July

Moving in with someone is a big step, your life is still yours but you do lose certain freedoms that you took for granted before and you have to consider the other person far more often, as well as losing that feeling of 'your own space' and privacy.

It is a time of uncertainty, however, with the right partner these things soon fizzle away.

You should both share the cooking and housework, even if you are at home all day every day, he should still help with houeswork. You aren't his domestic slave!

That panicky feeling may be due to you feeling a loss of independence. Try taking up an evening course of some sort or join a sports team and get out and socialise with other people.

You don't say why you don't trust him or if he has done anything to upset you or make you worried. Has he done anything? Is he treating you like a doormat? This may just be that queasy realisation that things are changing and you are outside the life you once knew. Try to embrace it for a while and remember that you are stronger than you think you are and can easily change your life as you see fit.