A Poem... think its not great.. wrote it last week, let me know what you think please

Jacinta

Waiting...

Dazed by a sleepy submission,
Corrupted by a world of thoughts,
Lost amongst the transitions;
Waiting - on, this time to pass.

Convinced by a future;
That may never be,
Yet hopeful in dreamland
For the life that I've seen.

To go back now; to whom - I may have become,
Seems like a probable solution,
But how to return and carry on;
Take who I am, recreate who I've been
Mould them together to reach that ideal.

It feels like I'm captured - Locked away from the past,
Wanting what I had, but this time make it last
Dreaming of a future, if unattainable, if untrue,
Will negate everything;
Dreams,
Beliefs,
Me.

So Tell me, its not possible -
So that I may not aim
Now anything for a resolution
However unjust,
However in vain.


Any feedback greatly appreciated... thanks. J

djeddy

wow, i think there is a lot of food for taught in that poem, eddy

RonaldCox23

Cool Fresh Poem:cool:

Everytime I rhyme
I create my time
visions sublime
paper lime chase
cant erase time pace
ball later elevator penthouse wind scape
off a cigarette boat later
Just kickin letters if you relate
We all in the same weather
Bless it seems Hope..:cool:

Dutchology

Jacinta, I really like this poem, it makes you think, it's not stuck to a rigid style, and it's speaking from what seems to be experience. It's not the kind of thing you can just write from nothing, it comes straight from within you, so thank you for sharing.

antSionnach

Hi Jacinta, I like this poem. Have one question about it though. Is recreating consciousness - "who I am" automatically a function of the deliberate past? Does the "ideal" disregard the aspirations of the individual completely?

What sort of an individual does not want to change?

Jacinta wrote:

Take who I am, recreate who I've been
Mould them together to reach that ideal.

shiv

Hi Jacinta,

Thanks for sharing

I think the first verse is strong, although I'm not sure you need the dash at the end -- kind of drags the line out unnecessarily. Also enjoyed the third stanza and the overall sentiment as I can relate. The Dreams, Beliefs, Me also works I think. The last part kind of cops out to an easy rhyme in my opinion...

Jacinta

Thanks Folks for the feedback, very much appreciated. I don't actually know where this all came from but one day in work I just got the pen out and scribbled it down in the back of my diary. I used to write a lot a few years ago and I guess I gave up and got rid of most of it. I think something inside me changed a few years ago and recently I've begun questioning a few decisions I took back then. So now its like I'm going back to who I was and i'm wondering if its really possible or am I just fooling myself. Its sounds too wierd I agree but its just starting off all this writing now again. I've never asked for feedback on any of it before as I've never really actually told anyone that I write much. So thanks again, really appreciate it.
The who I am, i think represents who i am now, and i guess i want to mix and match the present me with who i was about 7 years ago. Its crazy i know but i want that time back, and if i can't have it I don't want to try...