Ex Girlfiend and i

comewatmay

broke up with my gf lately after a "break". The decision was mutual to break up but i am seeking advice.I still really like the girl right and now that we are broken up i dont know what to do. Should i move on...if so HOW?

or

Should i try to get things going again? I think there is still hope for us as we broke up for very little reason other than it wasnt the same as it used to be. I know this girl is still attrcted to me (she told me) but not sure whether she loves me. We were going out for 5 years, im 22 now. Due collage/holidays i wont see her for the next month but we are constantly texting each other and she even rang me the day after we broke up and we chatted like we were a normal couple for like 20mins. I still love the girl.

I just dont know what to do at all.Any advice would be greatly apprreciatted either here or in in pm. I especially want to know what females think of this situation

dont bother posting stupid comments please, just keep them to urself

Ruu_Old

Well if it didn't work out after the first "break", then I don't see much point in trying again. Keep yourself busy, get going out with a few of your mates and do what you can to keep your mind off her.

Mighty_Mouse

Whether or not ye do get back together after this break, I dont see the point in taking time out from a relationship only to spend all day in contact with the other person!!!

IMO a time out involves having time apart to get some context on the situation, see whats its like to be solo for a while in order to decide if the relationship is what you really want.

So if you do break up for a while and stay in contact. All the time-out becomes is a licence for the other person to date/score ramdomers guilt-free.

If you really want this girl. Then I presume you want her to want you also? The only way that can happen is if you genuinely let he see life without you. Cancel the texting/phoning. In fact write down her number in a diary and delete the number from you phone.

She instigated the break, which means she's the one in doubt. All your crying and pleading for her to come back (if you go down that road) will only result in you looking pathetic and her being increasingly turned-off by you.

So my advice. Blankety-blank and see if she comes running.

If she doesnt .............you know that even if you had "convinced" her to stay, in her heart she really wouldnt of wanted to/needed to

comewatmay

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Whether or not ye do get back together after this break, I dont see the point in taking time out from a relationship only to spend all day in contact with the other person!!!

IMO a time out involves having time apart to get some context on the situation, see whats its like to be solo for a while in order to decide if the relationship is what you really want.

So if you do break up for a while and stay in contact. All the time-out becomes is a licence for the other person to date/score ramdomers guilt-free.

If you really want this girl. Then I presume you want her to want you also? The only way that can happen is if you genuinely let he see life without you. Cancel the texting/phoning. In fact write down her number in a diary and delete the number from you phone.

She instigated the break, which means she's the one in doubt. All your crying and pleading for her to come back (if you go down that road) will only result in you looking pathetic and her being increasingly turned-off by you.

So my advice. Blankety-blank and see if she comes running.

If she doesnt .............you know that even if you had "convinced" her to stay, in her heart she really wouldnt of wanted to/needed to

The break we had is now a definite "break up" as in we are now no longer together. The whole blankety blnk thing would not come easy to me, for example today i woke up thinking of her for the whole morning...then home from collage and she rings me, we chatted for 29 mins as if things were totally normal.Now i just dont know what to do im so confused with it all,dont know whats the right thing to do

Do you think maybe she sees me as like a "best friend" thing or what.Maybe she might want a purely sexual relationship with none of the boyfiend/girlfriend stuff, although knowing her this is hardly the case.

Any thoughts??

Selphie

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Blankety-blank and see if she comes running.

No way that's gonna do you any favours. You can't blankety blank after five years. You clearly still adore this girl, and I don't see how pretending she doesn't exist is gonna help.

I'm a little confused as to one thing though. Why, if she instigated the break up, does she want to talk for ages and stuff so soon? Do you know why this is? I mean, I know people stay friends after they break up, but this is a little soon.

Is it possible you could meet up and ask her what this is about? At least you'd know for sure.

Selphie

Could it also be that she's calling just to make sure you're doing okay after the break-up? I'm sure she still cares about you, so do you think that could be an option?

dr.bollocko

Why don't you just ask her. After 5 years its not like you can keep your intentions hidden.
If you want her back, it will be pretty obvious to her. So you have to see if you can gauge what her thoughts are about returning to a relationship with you.
What were the problems that caused this break up? What was your part in these problems? What could you change to ensure that these problems don't re-occur?
If you REALLY want her back, get the hell over there and try and win her back. But its gonna take a whole lotta crap. And probably talking. Lots and lots of talking. And you are gona have to apologise for a whole lot of stuff that you maybe dont feel was wrong but its probably really important to her.

Be the nicest boyfriend type person you know how to be. Realise the things you have done wrong and tell her that you'll try harder. Book a hotel, buy her flowers, rub her feet, take her to dinner, show up at an unexpected time with a boombox playing your eighties coupley song, dance with her atop the eiffel tower, Harness the moon and give it to her, offer her multiple orgasms and a no-fart guarantee from now on, make the tea the way she likes it, go skinny dipping in the moonlight, make a picnic, put a bow on your willy, beg her on hands and knees, offer her a kidney, I dunno. Nobody on this board really knows.
But after 5 years, if you dont know, then why do you want to get back with her?

Selphie

dr.bollocko wrote:

Be the nicest boyfriend type person you know how to be. Realise the things you have done wrong and tell her that you'll try harder. Book a hotel, buy her flowers, rub her feet, take her to dinner, show up at an unexpected time with a boombox playing your eighties coupley song, dance with her atop the eiffel tower, Harness the moon and give it to her, offer her multiple orgasms and a no-fart guarantee from now on, make the tea the way she likes it, go skinny dipping in the moonlight, make a picnic, put a bow on your willy, beg her on hands and knees, offer her a kidney, I dunno.

Lol!That is amazing!

comewatmay

Selphie wrote:

No way that's gonna do you any favours. You can't blankety blank after five years. You clearly still adore this girl, and I don't see how pretending she doesn't exist is gonna help.

I'm a little confused as to one thing though. Why, if she instigated the break up, does she want to talk for ages and stuff so soon? Do you know why this is? I mean, I know people stay friends after they break up, but this is a little soon.

Is it possible you could meet up and ask her what this is about? At least you'd know for sure.

no im def not going to blank her that would be wrong plus too hard to do. on your second point i have no idea why she is still so much in contact with me so soon. its not possible to meet her for another 3 weeks.should i keep in contact or just cool it a bit so i dont get in the "friends" zone

dame

You were going out for five years from the time you were 17...of course you're going to miss her and still have feelings for her. You've basically never had any time alone as an adult so you're feeling cut adrift now. I think you should just forget about girls for the moment and concentrate on learning to stand alone for a while. There's no point getting back together if it wasn't working and there's no point in starting to see someone else on the re-bound. You're probably both different peole now than you were when you were 17. You're confused and lonely - I remember your post last week asking if it was too soon to kiss another girl. You need to learn who you are as a man, learn to support yourself emotionally (without the crutch of a girlfriend always there), and eventually you will start to realise what qualities it is you like and respect in a woman. From there you will be able to meet girls you would be more suited to.

comewatmay

dame wrote:

You were going out for five years from the time you were 17...of course you're going to miss her and still have feelings for her. You've basically never had any time alone as an adult so you're feeling cut adrift now. I think you should just forget about girls for the moment and concentrate on learning to stand alone for a while. There's no point getting back together if it wasn't working and there's no point in starting to see someone else on the re-bound. You're probably both different peole now than you were when you were 17. You're confused and lonely - I remember your post last week asking if it was too soon to kiss another girl. You need to learn who you are as a man, learn to support yourself emotionally (without the crutch of a girlfriend always there), and eventually you will start to realise what qualities it is you like and respect in a woman. From there you will be able to meet girls you would be more suited to.

i was just really really pi%%ed off last week thats why i was on about kissing another girl. Im not sure if im better off without her or not, for one thing im more welcoming towards strangers and friendly.U know when u have som1 really close to u like i had you dont feel the need to meet new people etc, i think im a nicer person towards other ppl when were broken up,but at the same time she is a wonderful girl who i miss dearly.


thanks for the advice

AnonoBoy

You've pretty much grown up with this girl. The changes you go through between 17 and 22 are huge. This girl has been there the whole way through with you and you're still very friendly. Naturally you'll miss her - and she you.

The thing is though, you've broken up. You're not sure why - things just weren't like they used to be. You've both slowly come to realise that you're not for each other, that something just isn't right and that there should be something more out there.

This is where it gets tough. You still get on with her. You're still attracted to her. So why not stay in contact? Because it will end in tears is why. Trust me - I've been through it. Neither of you will truly move on if you stay in close contact and text and talk on the phone all the time. Keeping in contact is fine - don't blank her or be immature about it. But you have to have distance and space. Being friends is a great idea but in practice it doesn't work. Not straight after a break up and not at your age. What will happen if one of you falls for somebody else. A huge heartbreak. As long as you cling to each other you're not really broken up.

You're both young. This happens to all of us. Without telling her to piss off you should slowly try to lessen contact. Don't answer texts straight away. Don't get caught in long phonecalls.

Oh yeah and don't jump straight into another relationship. You'll only mess with your own and the new girl's head. Leave it awhile - score some birds in nightclubs but leave it at that. You'll think it's a big new romance, believe me it's called being on the rebound.

Spend some time by yourself. Check out movies that she wouldn't have liked going to with you. Drink cans with your mates and spend whole afternoons playing Playstation. Do stupid things. Smoke pot. Buy some new clothes and drink in a new pub. Do something different.

I won't lie to you. You'll feel like **** at times but eventually you'll see that some things are best left in the past. Hopefully you will become friendly with your ex again but I'm sorry to say that it will never be like it was. Such is life. Not everything good lasts forever.

Good luck buddy.

comewatmay

AnonoBoy wrote:

You've pretty much grown up with this girl. The changes you go through between 17 and 22 are huge. This girl has been there the whole way through with you and you're still very friendly. Naturally you'll miss her - and she you.

The thing is though, you've broken up. You're not sure why - things just weren't like they used to be. You've both slowly come to realise that you're not for each other, that something just isn't right and that there should be something more out there.

This is where it gets tough. You still get on with her. You're still attracted to her. So why not stay in contact? Because it will end in tears is why. Trust me - I've been through it. Neither of you will truly move on if you stay in close contact and text and talk on the phone all the time. Keeping in contact is fine - don't blank her or be immature about it. But you have to have distance and space. Being friends is a great idea but in practice it doesn't work. Not straight after a break up and not at your age. What will happen if one of you falls for somebody else. A huge heartbreak. As long as you cling to each other you're not really broken up.

You're both young. This happens to all of us. Without telling her to piss off you should slowly try to lessen contact. Don't answer texts straight away. Don't get caught in long phonecalls.

Oh yeah and don't jump straight into another relationship. You'll only mess with your own and the new girl's head. Leave it awhile - score some birds in nightclubs but leave it at that. You'll think it's a big new romance, believe me it's called being on the rebound.

Spend some time by yourself. Check out movies that she wouldn't have liked going to with you. Drink cans with your mates and spend whole afternoons playing Playstation. Do stupid things. Smoke pot. Buy some new clothes and drink in a new pub. Do something different.

I won't lie to you. You'll feel like **** at times but eventually you'll see that some things are best left in the past. Hopefully you will become friendly with your ex again but I'm sorry to say that it will never be like it was. Such is life. Not everything good lasts forever.

Good luck buddy.

hey, thanks for the great advice. Things have kinda cooled by saying that i mean we haven't been in contact yet today. Just one question though, what if...and its a big if i know, we did stay in close contact and things worked out ok between us. I mean im of the opinion that if us two just started going out now wed probably get married, maybe we met too young and wasted our youth i just dont know.

a relationship with another girl is probably the last thing i want right now.I find myself looking at other girls and saying "yea shes nice, but my ex was nicer".You know what i mean? i keep comparing everyone to her, and she always wins. Id say if Paris Hilton walked past me right now id convince myself that my ex was nicer purely on the basis that i know and love my ex inside out.Im totally and utterly confused and heartbroken

thanks for the advice though it all helps

triona1

AHH u poor thing,i pm you if it helps,my heart is broken over you now

jcoote

sounds like you guys just need to experience a few more things like other girls/fellas and a bit of freedom.

no matter how much u care for someone being restricted (and lets face it no matter who u go out wit u do have to slightly compromise or restrict our personalities to keep them happy/make the relationship work).

between 17 and 22 is a horrible time to have to do this because its the beginning of your adult life and its great craic.

if it were up to me i'd let her go for now and enjoy your life for a bit. if she's meant for u she'll be back.

keeping the contact going is great when u are in the limbo stage u are now but when someone tries to move on or has a one nighter the **** will hit the fan...trust me.

just chill for a bit and suss your own head out instead of the whole situation..


oh and best of luck

comewatmay

jcoote wrote:

sounds like you guys just need to experience a few more things like other girls/fellas and a bit of freedom.

no matter how much u care for someone being restricted (and lets face it no matter who u go out wit u do have to slightly compromise or restrict our personalities to keep them happy/make the relationship work).

between 17 and 22 is a horrible time to have to do this because its the beginning of your adult life and its great craic.

if it were up to me i'd let her go for now and enjoy your life for a bit. if she's meant for u she'll be back.

keeping the contact going is great when u are in the limbo stage u are now but when someone tries to move on or has a one nighter the **** will hit the fan...trust me.

just chill for a bit and suss your own head out instead of the whole situation..


oh and best of luck

cheers buddy, hard to know what to do.She home next week so will just wait and see i guese

thanks for all the advice,keep it coming its very helpful

Noart

comewatmay wrote:

cheers buddy, hard to know what to do.She home next week so will just wait and see i guese

thanks for all the advice,keep it coming its very helpful

she's been suckin my cock and my mates!! Unlucky!! She does have a hairy ring though, smells likes a 2 week old dog kipper!!!!!

dudara

Straight out ban for Noart. Please go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

dame

dame wrote:

You need to learn who you are as a man, learn to support yourself emotionally (without the crutch of a girlfriend always there)

I repeat my advice. You're just feeling cut adrift and haven't had the chance to mature as a stand'alone adult because you've always had a girlfriend to lean on and to prop up your self-esteem.

Your post where you said you're nicer to other people since splitting up concerns me. It shows that you spent all your time with your girlfriend and ignored others to a huge extent. Of course you're feeling **** now - you've just finished with a girlfriend you grew up with, you have neglected your friends for five years, you haven't put any effort into meeting new people or being nice to people for five years. Get the picture? You've cut yourself off from the world around you and depended on one girl to fulfil all your emotional needs. Now that she's gone you've discovered you're a hollow little boy and that you never learned how to look after yourself or make your own choices as you always had this girlfriend to tell you you were wonderful and right. Sounds harsh but it's true.

Why are you posting all your questions on the internet since you broke up? Where are your friends? Why don't you feel comfortable enough to discuss your girl troubles with them? Do you have any close friends left or did you isolate yourself so much that you only have acquaintances left?

Getting back together with her now would be extremely unhealthy for you. Even hankering after her forever is unhealthy for you. You need to cut ties if possible, for as long as it takes, until you learn to be your own person again. You're scared to do this so you keep wondering about getting back together with her again or how soon to start kissing another girl. You have stunted your own emotional growth by relying on a girlfriend all through your formative years, and now you don't know how to deal with things on your own. Forget about getting back together with her and concentrate on finding out who "comewatmay" is again.

comewatmay

dame wrote:

I repeat my advice. You're just feeling cut adrift and haven't had the chance to mature as a stand'alone adult because you've always had a girlfriend to lean on and to prop up your self-esteem.

Your post where you said you're nicer to other people since splitting up concerns me. It shows that you spent all your time with your girlfriend and ignored others to a huge extent. Of course you're feeling **** now - you've just finished with a girlfriend you grew up with, you have neglected your friends for five years, you haven't put any effort into meeting new people or being nice to people for five years. Get the picture? You've cut yourself off from the world around you and depended on one girl to fulfil all your emotional needs. Now that she's gone you've discovered you're a hollow little boy and that you never learned how to look after yourself or make your own choices as you always had this girlfriend to tell you you were wonderful and right. Sounds harsh but it's true.

Why are you posting all your questions on the internet since you broke up? Where are your friends? Why don't you feel comfortable enough to discuss your girl troubles with them? Do you have any close friends left or did you isolate yourself so much that you only have acquaintances left?

Getting back together with her now would be extremely unhealthy for you. Even hankering after her forever is unhealthy for you. You need to cut ties if possible, for as long as it takes, until you learn to be your own person again. You're scared to do this so you keep wondering about getting back together with her again or how soon to start kissing another girl. You have stunted your own emotional growth by relying on a girlfriend all through your formative years, and now you don't know how to deal with things on your own. Forget about getting back together with her and concentrate on finding out who "comewatmay" is again.

great advice Dame thanks very much. In relation to why i am posting my queries on the net is because i just wanted other peoples opinions.I have discussed it with my close friends and they are not just acquatances-or however its spelt.

I realise now that i am better off without this girl i feel good about myself, more confident, outgoing, friendly etc im back to the old me. Thanks for your advice again i am very grateful to u and everyone else.

Hopefully things are looking up for me now and i can get over her quickly

Mighty_Mouse

Just one question though, what if...and its a big if i know, we did stay in close contact and things worked out ok between us

I really dont think the close contact thing is gonna work for you. You've still got feelings

Speaking from experience (same ages nearly!) I guaratee you vastly reduced contact is all that will work. I mean Christmas Card and Happy Birthday text at the maximum.

I dont even see the point it that much contact.

Plus you wont feel better for probably a year/year +. And thats taking for granted you do loads of work on your own head and change your life for the better.

You need to put yourself in a situation where life is more exciting/better without her. Career, clothes, fitness, activites, clubs, women, friends.............
Only then will you really start to think you wouldnt go back .

Again as for contact. Next time you have your deep and meaningful all day long conversation.....................who's mickey was she swinging from last night? What about the next time you're walking down the street and she's hand-in-hand with some real good lookin dude?

Mid-20's girls dont stay on the market long. Ie couple years dating and marriage is the way mid-20's girls think.

Seriously man, as tough as no contact is. IMO zero contact is easier.

comewatmay

thanks for the advice mighty mouse i am trying my best to reduce contact as much as possible, it seems to be working as i feel so upbeat and happy lately(when i dont think about her). Its just a matter of keeping my mind on other things i guess

wish me luck,
comewatmay

Mighty_Mouse

best of luck!

but seriously dude, she dumped you! WTF - just blank the b*ia*ch!

comewatmay

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

best of luck!

but seriously dude, she dumped you! WTF - just blank the b*ia*ch!

2 things-

1.i dumped her

2.dont call her a bitch

Mighty_Mouse

Due collage/holidays i wont see her for the next month but we are constantly texting each other and she even rang me the day after we broke up and we chatted like we were a normal couple for like 20mins. I still love the girl.

1.i dumped her

Wtf!!!!
So all this broken-heart is over somebody you dumped!!!
Jaysis! Usually people are happy to be out of a relationship when they do the dumping!

2.dont call her a bitch

Give it time;)

comewatmay

ok maybe dump is the wrong word but it is irrelevant who did what or not.also i dont think i could ever look on this girl as being a bitch

scojones

I came out of a four year relationship in July 2005. It still sucks, but you learn to live with it.